Disclaimer: If I owned any of these characters, oy would I be rich.
Spoilers: Parts of Season #4, and early season #5
Summary: A missing scene: Audrey and Diane talking about Jack mostly, a case of: how I wish it happened.
Author's notes:
Inspiration for this one came from the look Audrey had on her face when Jack came up to her office while she was questioning Diane.
"" Dialouge, '' thoughts
C.O.S.: Change of Scenery
Title: The Look
The look on Audrey's face told Diane more than any questions, more than any piece of body language, or tone of voice. It told her of memories, shared between her and Jack; evenings spent together, times when they'd laughed together, cried together- a veritable lifetime of them. It told her of the complete sadness that took over her days, and nights as she mourned for Jack, and the total elation knowing he's alive.
The look told Diane of this inner battle constantly going on within Audrey, of wanting to pull away, and yet being drawn to him as if by some magnet. And perhaps worst of all it told Diane, that despite all of it, she still loved him. Diane decided she needed to hear Audrey say it, confirm what the look already told her. She came up beside Audrey, and watched as her eyes constantly followed Jack's movements.
"Do you still love him?" Diane asked. Audrey tore her eyes away from Jack and focused on Diane. She gulped in a deep breath, before speaking and when she did it was with tears in her eyes:
"Yeah, I think despite everything I do." Diane gave a sad smile, as she replied:
"Thinking you love someone… is not good enough. It means that you pay lip service to love, go through the motions with someone; of marriage, having children, growing old. And one day in the middle of all that, sometimes even after the child is born you decide it's not enough anymore, you decide you want out- something more but you can't find it with the person you think you love, so you leave."
Audrey was silent, considering the woman standing next to her. The curly red hair that streamed around a wrinkled face, which, made her seem older than her 35 years. She was dressed plainly in jeans and a t-shirt, with a CTU jacket covering her against the slightest chill. Her gaze was strong and proud; yet held a raw quality, as if the eyes truly were a window through to the soul. The rawness told Audrey that she had lived what she said, a man that 'thought he loved her', had Derrick with her, then suddenly left without warning. 'This woman has a wisdom about her, that if I'm to be perfectly honest with myself I don't know that I possess' Audrey thought to herself.
Audrey motioned to Diane to follow her back upstairs to her office. She motioned her to re-take her seat on the couch while she sat behind her desk. There was silence, as both were lost in thought. 'It figures he'd be with a blonde, the antithesis of me, someone together, a career woman. Someone that's more his equal than, I could ever be. And yet, despite appearing all together, all with it there seems to be a haunted look about her, as if there's something that she wishes she could forget, but can't.' Diane thought to herself.
"I think you should know where I'm coming from; Derrick's father and I… we thought we loved each other, right up until the day he left us, I loved him. But he did leave, so please understand I spoke from first hand experience. When Frank, I mean Jack came along, we clicked. He's a very private guy; he didn't share, and I didn't press him. He got along with my kid, and that was a miracle in itself; usually when guys find out I have a teenager they run straight for the hills, and I never see them again." Diane explained.
Audrey smiled, and nervously laughed. She could see how Jack got along with Derrick, teenagers didn't like to be pushed, and neither did Jack.
"I met Jack at work. We both worked for my father- the Defense Secretary. There was instant chemistry between us; electricity unlike anything I have ever felt with anybody else, including my husband. Yes, I was married at the time to Paul; but we, were starting to grow apart, as the realization hit us that we married too young, and I was about to ask him for a divorce." Audrey began her story, and then hesitated, undecided whether or not to continue.
Diane was gazing at the other woman to intently not to notice the haunted look reappear in her eyes, and listening closely enough to catch the bitterness in her tone. There was a wound there, that was reopened, Diane could only guess at whether or not it had anything to do with Jack.
" When I first met him, he was the new guy in town. He kept himself to himself, and that helped set up an air of mystery around him, which, was kind of sexy. By the way, I took one look at this place and I saw why the need for secrecy. I got to know him a little bit, and he seemed an okay guy, but he was always sad. I needed the extra cash, he needed the place to stay so we struck a deal; at first it was all business- he'd do odd chores around the house, help my son with his homework, and I got a little extra cash. As time wore on, we got to know each other; he always seemed sad about something, as if he was missing someone in his life. He was haunted, constantly wore that haunted look in his eyes; the same one you had when you were talking about your husband just now. It was as if there were shadows in his past of things he had done, or hadn't been able to do, people he had wronged or had been unable to save. And I never pried; I always felt that if he wanted to talk to me about it, then he would talk. And then today came, and his other life came crashing into mine."
Audrey gazed at the other woman, marveling at how perceptive she was- she picked up on the connection between her and Jack after just one look, picked up on the fact although she was trying to forgive Jack, and reconcile the man he was with her, with the job he did, she couldn't. She didn't realize it until just then, but the reason she was unable to carry on with Jack was Paul; he was always there, a shadow lurking in the far corners of her mind managing to make her feel guilty. The relationship she thought she could rescue had been tainted likely beyond all hopes of repair.
Audrey realized that in addition to being perceptive, Diane was also tough; and that toughness was what made her decide to continue wit her story:
"Jack killed my husband." That remark made Diane look up her lap where from her hands, shocked. She gulped waiting for Audrey to continue:
"Or let my husband be killed, or sped up the process. I'm really not sure what happened that night exactly; all I know is that hours before Paul- my husband took a bullet for Jack; it saved his life, and was taken into the operating room for surgery- we didn't know if he would make it. Meanwhile, Jack found and brought in a wounded terrorist for surgery…"
Audrey paused as the images of that night assaulted her; Paul laying helpless on the table the surgeons working on him, then Jack bursting through the door, and holding a gun to the head of the surgeons forcing them to leave Paul; sacrifice the one for the sake of the many. And she remembered herself, being completely hysterical, railing against the world, and against Jack. She gulped back the tears, and continued:
"He held the surgeons at gunpoint, and all I could do was watch as the surgeons left my husband on the table and worked on the other creature. Meanwhile Paul died. I'll never forget what I felt that night; the absolute blind rage towards Jack- he'd just killed my husband. And the absolute guilt, knowing that I still cared about him. And I would never get to tell him that. I should be using air quotes for this next part: Then Jack died. I had a lot of unresolved feelings towards him, but gradually I worked through them and thought I had gotten past it all, I was able to forgive him. Then he showed up, alive and it come flooding back. I was shocked; the man I loved, the man I mourned for, standing there, alive in front of me. And instead of feeing unbelievable good fortune at second chance that I had been given, all the guilt, and all the pain over Paul's death overwhelmed me. Suddenly I realized that the forgiveness I had been trying to hard to grant him, the anger I thought I was past was still there." Audrey finished.
There was a long silence after that, as Diane grappled with what Audrey had just told her. It was hard for her to imagine; Jack seemed such a polite, decent guy. It was nearly impossible for her to reconcile that with him holding a gun, much less causing the death of another man. She glanced around at the office surrounding her, and considered all that she had learned today, about him and reconsidered her initial thought; he moved with quiet confidence, and this meek, polite guy appearance disappeared- replaced by a man that was used to getting his own way, and doing anything and everything to get the job done. Yes, Diane decided, she could see him holding a gun, and possibly killing someone. But he'd rescued Derrick, so he couldn't be all that bad.
She met Audrey's eyes, and read the confusion that showed there, and chose her words carefully and began to respond in a calm manner:
"I'm truly sorry about your husband Audrey. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you, but in hindsight you must admit that it was although not ideal, it had to happen that way. Jack acted to save the good of hundreds of people, and he did it and in the end you have to admit it had to happen that way."
"Hindsight doesn't work when your heart's involved. Believe me, I spent countless nights trying to tell myself that- it had to happen that way, if that terrorist had died, and Paul lived- probably thousands of people may have died. It was Jack the CTU agent doing that, not Jack the man I fell in love with. And for a while I succeeded, but now I can't get past it." Audrey replied. The phone went off: Audrey reached quickly for a tissue and wiped her nose. The next instant she was all business:
"Raines. She's right here Jack, let me put you on speaker." Audrey pressed a button and hung up the receiver.
"Hi Jack." Diane greeted him, attempting to be cheerful.
"Hey, how are holding up?" Jack asked in a gentle tone.
"Okay, still in a little shock though. Seeing this place, I see the need for secrecy, it's amazing." Diane answered.
"I'm just finishing up, I'll be up to see you in a few minutes okay." Jack said reassuring her.
"Yeah, I'll be here." Diane answered. Audrey pressed the button to hang up, then sat back in her chair.
"The bottom line, is that he saved my son, and he saved those people in the airport, so whatever he's done in the past, is just that: past," Diane said.
Audrey sat back in her chair and looked at her with wonder, and awe. It's not everyone that can be so understanding, so focused, and forgiving. It was as if the things Jack did before she met her never happened. And suddenly it dawned on her, that she could want to be, she could try to be that way, but the fact is she couldn't- all she could see when she looked at Jack, was Paul's body, laying naked and vulnerable on the table.
"You're a good person, you've just got to work through right now. " Diane said. Audrey started, at the knock at the door:
"Come in Jack." Diane twisted around to see Jack come through the doorway; she quickly glanced between them to catch any sign of the haunted expression on Audrey's face. Instead, Diane noted that her expression reverted back to the calm demeanor she displayed at the beginning of their interrogation.
"I'll leave you two alone now, you must have a lot to say." Audrey made her exit out of her office.
"It's my own fault. You never volunteered, I never asked. And somehow, after seeing this place I highly doubt you would have answered honestly anyway." Diane remarked. "Sorry, it's just… You're not who I thought you were, calling you Jack, it's going to take some getting used to." She added, picking up on the sad look in his eyes.
"I didn't know who I could trust, that's it. I was alone, technically dead to all accept to four people. When I met you, I liked you- you have this quiet confidence that's appealing to me. The fact that you didn't ask, didn't demand anything; that was a plus, because I wasn't ready to talk." Jack answered.
"How long have you worked here?" Diane asked.
"Steadily for about 10 years, and off and on for about five. When I wasn't here, the work I did, always led me back." Jack responded.
"You met Audrey when you were working for her father?"
"Yeah, and for a while it was good."
"Was? What about now? Don't you feel anything for her now?" Diane continued questioning. Jack looked at her quizzically; he truly didn't know where this was heading, but still he humoured her:
"A lot's happened. When I disappeared, I couldn't tell her that I was alive. It had to be as convincing as possible- nobody was to know that I walked away from here. She believed I was dead, and I don't think she can ever forgive me for failing to get in touch with her." He left the rest of it unsaid, knowing that eventually they would have to go through it, but realizing that CTU wasn't the place to do it.
"She told me something that was pretty disturbing. She said that you had a hand in her husband's death; you held the surgeons operating on him at gunpoint and made them work on a terrorist." Diane stated.
Jack was silent as the images and sounds bombarded him as if from a violent nightmare. He vividly remembered the whole evening, and realized that it wasn't one of his finer moments. He was wracked with guilt over the death of Paul Raines, but the worst part was the sound of Audrey's voice telling him she hated him, and that she never wanted to see him again. 'She narrowly got her wish' He wryly thought to himself.
He slowly nodded, confirming her statement, and backed it up by taking her hand in both of his, and locking gazes with her:
"I never wanted you to find out like this. I never wanted that night to end like that, believe me. I let him die, and I have to live with that decision the rest of my life as punishment."
"Jack, whatever you did in your past, is just that: past. You saved those people in the airport, and most importantly to me anyway you saved my son; that is a deed that I could never repay you for. What matters is; what's in your heart, and the fact that you save lives when you so very easily could take them makes you a hero to me." Diane told him, determination coming into her tone. She kissed him tenderly, as they embraced both needing the other and neither wanting to be the first to let go. As suddenly as it began the embrace ended, and both were breathless.
"What do we do now?" She asked.
"We don't do anything. You and Derrick go home, and continue your lives- tell anybody who asks, that it didn't work out so I moved on. Then after this latest thing is over, I'll come find you." Jack decided. Diane quickly read the truth in his face and it confirmed what she already felt about him: Jack Bauer was a man of his word.
Diane sighed: "I should get going, Derrick and I have a long drive home."
"I'll walk you out." Jack pushed himself off the couch before offering Diane a hand up. She gratefully took it and followed him downstairs to near where the guards waited with Derrick. She glanced around her as they crossed the floor looking for Audrey and spotting her, tapped Jack on the shoulder.
"Give Audrey my phone number, if she ever needs someone to talk to, make sure she knows I'm only a phone call away." Diane whispered. Jack nodded imperceptibly.
"One last thing: Watch out for her, she's in a pretty bad place right now, emotionally speaking and I think it would help her to know that she's got somebody looking out for her, even if it is in silence." Diane added. Jack nodded a second time, and they continued onto where Derrick waited, with Chloe.
The sound of laughter greeted their ears as Diane and Jack approached.
"What are you two laughing about?" Diane asked Derrick.
Derrick looked awkwardly at Chloe: "It's a secret. I'll never tell."
"Really, we'll see about that, it is an awfully long car ride home." Diane ruffled her son's hair tenderly.
"Bye Jack thanks for today by the way, it's meant a lot. And Chloe: Thanks for teaching me that trick, I'll have to use it sometime." Derrick said.
Diane and Jack shared a last quick hug and pulled back placing something in the breast pocket of the jacket:
"I'll see you soon."
"See you soon" Diane said, and walked out the doors followed by Derrick. The pair got into the car, and drove off, riding in silence.
"What did he put in the jacket?" Derrick asked.
"He put something in the jacket?" Diane asked incredulously- she was too lost in the moment to see it.
"Yeah, just a sec let me get it out." Derrick reached into the backseat and pulled the jacket around into the front seat, and fished out a piece of paper with the message: In case of emergencies, call cell at: 627-0931, scrawled on it. He showed it to his mom, and she gave a small smile:
"We haven't heard the last of Jack Bauer."
"Great, because I actually think he's cool." Derrick answered. Diane laughed in response.
Well that's that. This is meant only as a one-off missing scene deal. I have no plans to make it into an actual multi-chapter story.
Reviews are always welcome. Thank you for reading
-A.B.