Disclaimer: Thank god I don't own the Inheritance Cycle, oh perish the thought!
Author's Note: Before anyone asks, this is not meant to make fun of vegetarians in general as while I don't agree with vegetarianism I do respect vegans beliefs and principles. This is just supposed to be a silly parody only meant to poke fun at Eragon's supposed vegetarianism. He claims to be a vegan but then eats roasted lizards (yuck) or snake while out in the desert. Also, he's a Dragon Rider and human-born not to mention being an adopted Dwarf.
Those three things alone give him all the excuse to eat meat but he gets converted in seconds when he goes to the elves who are tree-hugging vegans yet wear sexy leather wetsuits at the same time and kill anything that's hurt or wounded, which doesn't make a bit of sense. Okay, enough said. Rant over! Again, I am not trying to make fun of vegans in general only Eragon's stupidity (or should I say CP's, no offence). So now without any further ado, allow me to present you my latest crack!fic!
X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X
Eragon was hunched over in the middle of the Hadarac Desert, polishing a shiny red apple. It was glowing brightly since he was hunched over it like a junkie holding some drugs and smothering the poor fruit to death with his hankie.
"My own," Eragon whispered creepily with an eerie glint in his eyes. "My very own, my precious..."
Eragon, are you okay? Saphira asked feeling concerned for her weird Rider, and landing next to him suddenly.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Eragon shrieked and leapt a foot in the air, nearly losing grip on his apple. "No one touches the Precious!"
Now Saphira was getting real worried. Since when did Eragon shriek like that? And why was he obsessing over some stupid apple? If they'd just go for a few hours of flight, they could find a whole orchard of apple trees!
Eragon, Saphira said gently. Is there anything you want to talk to me about? I'm your dragon, ya know. If there's anything you want to tell me at all I can listen to you. Is it about Arya? I mean, I know she turned you down so many times so I really don't mind if a good-looking guy attracts your attention. Who is he? Murtagh? Roran? Oromis?
Eragon could only watch in stunned disbelief as Saphira rattled off a list of names, filling his already tormented mind with disturbing mental images.
"No, please!" He sobbed, clutching his ears. "It's the voices again! Not the voices! No, please. I can't take it anymore. I'm too young to die!"
Okayyyyy... Saphira muttered warily.
Then she realised it: The Apple! That must be what was causing Eragon's strangeness. Taking a deep breath, she plucked it up from Eragon's hands and tossed it into the air experimentally.
"Nooooooooooooo!" Eragon wailed and charged towards the apple dramatically. "My precious!"
Poor dear, Saphira sighed, shaking her head sadly. He will be missed. In the mean time, I could eat a dear or two. Hmmm...
Meanwhile, Eragon was gallivanting after the apple which was bouncing crazily across the desert floor. Just then, the apple bounced onto a rock and hit Roran on the head.
"Hey!" Roran whined.
Glancing about furiously, he spotted the apple cowering before him and snatched it up punching his fist into the air in triumph.
"Yes!" He shouted victoriously.
"Not you too!" Eragon pouted and burst into tears.
Realising he had company, Roran glanced over to see who it was and was shocked to see Eragon bawling.
"Oh, Eragon," Roran said gently, patting his cousin's shoulder sympathetically. "I'm so sorry for you. It must have been hell to get rejected by Arya twice, but now Murtagh on top of it? How in the Empire are you holding up?"
But this just made poor Eragon cry all the harder. Why did everyone think he was lusting after his half-brother who was a traitor and an enemy of the state, by the way? It was so depressing. He sobered up though, realising his cousin still held his apple and did not want to pass up his tasty snack.
"Give it here, Malfoy!" He demanded holding out his hand and glaring at Roran.
"Um, are you okay, cousin?" Roran stammered, feeling very disturbed.
Malfoy? Malfoy? Who the heck was that? Had Eragon finally snapped and gone crazy?
"No one be touching the Precious but meeeeeeeee!" Eragon shrieked and lunged for the apple.
Roran yelped in surprise and dropped the fruit in fear, running for his life to avoid his crazed cousin.
"Yahoooooooo!" Eragon squealed like a raving fan-girl only to land in the dust because the apple was bouncing again almost in glee it seemed.
"Not again!" Eragon growled and charged after it.
After some running, he skidded to a halt bumping into Angela.
"Well, well, well!" Angela crooned, snatching up the apple and scrutinizing it appraisingly. "What do we have here?"
"Mine!" Eragon growled disturbingly.
"Is this an apple?" Angela asked in confusion, ignoring Eragon's demands. "But how can that be? Apples don't exist! Only pares exist. This cannot be an apple; it is a pair. What a paradox. I must consult my CDNB for advice on this peculiar matter."
"CDkB?" Eragon croaked, now thoroughly bewildered and depressed. "Paradox? Not my precious! Thou shalt not defile the apple!"
"It's not an apple, Eragon," Angela chided. "For the hundredth time it is a pare and by the way, CDKB means Creepy Dragon Knuckle Bones. Or was it Creepy Dragon Bone Knuckles? Hmmm... Another predicament..."
Heaving a sigh, Angela strolled away trying to sort out this puzzle absentmindedly tossing the apple over her shoulder. Enjoying its momentary freedom and not wanting to get bitten by Eragon's rotting never-been-brushed-before teeth, the apple leapt for joy and bounced along the desert. Eragon chased after it, sniffling like a toddler until he finally stopped to drool for a bit as he saw Arya. But his joy turned to sadness and anger as he watched her pick up the apple and place her succulent lips on it to take a bite.
"Noooooooooooooooo!" He wailed. "Not my precious!"
Lunging for the apple, Eragon unintentionally flew into the elf. The apple spun out of Arya's hands resulting in Arya falling backwards with Eragon on top of her and their lips locked together. Their eyes widened in surprise and then they began snogging each other senseless wondering why they never did this before.
All of a sudden, Eragon and Arya's little bubble of joy was rudely burst when a certain black-haired Dragon Rider stooped down to pick up the apple and admire its lovely shade of red.
"Wow, what a lovely specimen of apple," Murtagh said approvingly. "This must be one of the new batch from Surda. Wow, I never ate an apple before. I wonder what it would taste like..."
Just as he was about to take a bite however, Eragon suddenly realised what he was going to do and leapt off a very startled and affronted Arya crashing into Murtagh and knocking the apple from his hands. The two Dragon Riders collapsed on the ground in a very undignified heap with their legs and arms intertwined together.
But Eragon, Saphira said suddenly. You never told me you and Murtagh got together. And why are you two shagging when you just kissed Arya? I thought you had the hots for the elf woman, not your half-brother.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Eragon shrieked in horror, disgust, and alarm.
Instincts kicked in and Eragon leapt off Murtagh and went charging after his sacred apple. Arya fumed silently while Murtagh helped her up like a gentleman.
"Hello," He said with a charming smile. "My name is Murtagh."
"Hello," Arya said, slightly surprised and caught off guard by Murtagh's disarming kindness. "My name is Arya. Let's talk."
Murtagh agreed and the two were soon lost in stories of each other's youth and even began sympathising with each other, and comforting each other while Saphira watched over them guarding them with her wing.
Eragon, on the other hand, was still chasing after his apple when it finally stopped outside the steps of Uru'Baen – the Dark Citadel. He gasped when he saw that the Mad King Galbatorix himself had arrived and picked up the apple, admiring it.
"What a fine piece of fruit," Galbatorix said in awe and wonder. "I really feel like apples today, wonder if this belongs to anybody."
And then, before Eragon could react, Galbatorix chomped down on the apple and ate it in three large bites. Eragon stared, gobsmacked as his nemesis polished off the remains and whipped his chin from the crumbs.
"That was good, boy," He said, clapping Eragon on the back. "Got anymore?"
Surprise finally transformed into rage and Eragon lunged for Galbatorix, unsheathing his sword as he did so.
"No on steals my precious!" He shrieked and Galbatorix cowered in fear, clutching his hands to his ears to stop himself form hearing that freaky scream.
*cough* Gollum! *cough, cough* Gollum! *cough*
"Brisingr!" Eragon roared, and sliced off Galbatorix's head with one fell swoop.
"Oops!" Said the disembodied head before freezing from death and rolling to the ground with a dull thud, then dumping into the gutter.
Eragon stood there, frozen in shock and disbelief as he realised what he had done. Then he dropped his sword, and leapt up and down for joy.
"I did it!" He yelled, and everyone else froze in shock realising he had just freed them.
And so the war was over and won.
Eragon was crowned King of all the Land and the Empire became the Empire no more, but was christened the Kingdom of Apples instead. Eragon sat on a large golden throne crafted by the dwarves to look like an apple and wore a thin golden crown of apples and apple leaves. The world was at peace and the war was over. Eragon feasted on apples and everyone lived happily ever after.
The End
A/N: So again I wrote another Inheritance Parody. I never meant to write so many and you might have noticed that I barrowed one or two excerpts from my other one-shots. It's just that there are so many ways to make fun of the Cycle (no offence, hardcore fans) and I like to poke humour at it whenever I can. Well, that about sums it up for now. I hope it wasn't too painful to read and that it brought at least a grin to your face. Whatever the case, don't hesitate to comment or even PM me and I hope you guys don't mind this parody too much. Looking forward to your feedback whenever and however possible.
See ya!
~ The Winter Wizard, Signing Out