Through The Storm
By: Caity

Disclaimer: I (sadly) do not own "Friends" or any of the characters, they belong to Bright Kauffman Crane productions. I swear, I'm gonna save my money and buy the rights to Ross one day :-P

A/N: I've been in such a stand-alone mood lately, lol. This is my first fic that's written in first person, so I was kinda nervous. But I showed it to one of my best friends and she really liked it, so I got kinda less nervous :-P. This is set in late season 9, after Rachel kissed Gavin and moved back in with Joey, but before she was attracted to Joey. Enjoy :-)

Emma's finally fallen asleep. It takes ages to put that girl to bed, I tell ya. Especially . . .well, especially with this change of scenery. I know she's not even one year old yet, but I can tell she knows. Things have taken another turn, another change.

Nothing's been staying the same lately.

I sigh and sit down on the yellow couch in the living room. For me, it feels familiar to be in Joey's apartment. I always liked how casual it feels here. But at the same time, since moving out and back in . . .I just can't tell if this is home. It feels like it could be. But it's not quite there yet.

Why?

I still have to figure that out.

I'm doing the right thing, right? I mean, living with Ross obviously wasn't working out. I should have expected that, but was it so bad for me to wish it would work? I mean, I've been wishing for years that things between us would magically click. But how we would click. That's always been a weird subject to think about. Probably because I can't even tell what I want anymore. Everything has just become so increasingly complicated between us.

Even before the pregnancy, he always popped in and out of my mind. Whether we were together or apart, he was just one of those constants in my life. Always there, you know? Just the biggest comfort. If I ever felt, I don't know, scared of the future, I'd think of Ross. I always pictured him, in some way or another, in my idea of the future, and that made everything a little less frightening. He'd be there to smile up at me with his deep eyes sparkling, to pull me into a tight hug. Even now, over five years after we've broken up, a simple hug from him always makes me feel better.

But sometimes, I get these thoughts. Ross and I are not a couple. We haven't been a couple in ages. Who's to say he won't just pick up, leave, and I'm here to fend for myself? Just me and Emma. I know, I know, Ross isn't the kind of guy to abandon his child. But I can't help thinking what Janice told me at the hospital was true. That's why I said yes to Joey in that stupid non-proposal. But Joey's not Ross. I realized that, even when I thought Joey would be there for me, I was still scared. But what was I the most scared of- actually being on my own with Emma, or losing Ross permadently?

Good lord. Who thinks of their ex-boyfriend like this five years after they've broken up?

Not that you can describe our relationship that simply. It's been a rocky ride, Ross and I. We dated for a year, and we had a really painful break-up. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to get over. And, if I'm being completely honest, I think a part of me never did. Despite what he did to me, I found myself falling for him over and over again in the months afterwards. In the years afterwards. Sometimes it feels like I get over him every night, and fall for him again every morning. It's like a spell; I just don't understand it.

Do I want to get back together? There's so many levels to that question, and even more to the answer. Emma has really complicated things. Not that I'm ungrateful of my baby girl, because of course I'm not. I love her to death. I never knew I could love someone as much as I completely adore her. Sometimes it feels like I love her even stronger than I loved Ross before. Maybe because she's a part of both of us. She has his nose; that's what I always think when I look at her. If I ever miss Ross, I just look at her, and it's like he's partially here.

Except Emma is not Ross.

When I found out I was pregnant, I remember going into panic mode. How was I supposed to explain to everyone that the father of my child was the man I broke up with, not to mention divorced (if you would consider an alcohol-induced Vegas wedding a marriage), years before? And, even scarier, how would I tell him? But once he found out, he was just the most supportive guy. I already knew how great of a father he was to Ben- I just knew our child would adore him, and he'd adore him or her. After that first sonogram, there was no doubt in my mind. Who better to be the father of my child?

That's when I really began thinking about him in a way I haven't in ages. Since his second marriage. All of a sudden, I didn't just see him as my friend and former-love Ross. I saw him as my partner in this, as the only person who could fully help me through it. I began to hope that, somehow, we wouldn't mess up again. It's not like we were back together, but I found myself wishing it would happen. I don't know, maybe it was my hormones going haywire. But it was all I could do not to just melt into him every time he did something completely adorable- which was often. He was so helpful.

And that kiss. Wow, that kiss. Right as we were leaving the apartment, when my water broke. That was just everything I could have hoped for. It instilled faith in me that we could be a family. If Ross felt the same way as I did, maybe the time was finally right for us to ignore our stupid pride and just give in. But Janice . . .I never thought I'd say this, but Janice put things in perspective. If Ross and I didn't talk about this, didn't decide one way or another, then I was really just fighting an uphill battle, one that would end with just me and Emma. No Ross.

But we didn't talk about it. I said yes to Joey, and unknowingly ruined any possibilities. Stupid hormones. But I can't really blame just that. It was always hard for Ross and I to openly talk about our feelings. Sometimes, I feel like we're the dramatic high school couple. You know, the ones every one knows are supposed to be together, but they always find ways to prevent it. And they never talk to each other about it, and, eventually, miss their chance.

Have Ross and I missed our chance?

Maybe we have. It was easier to imagine when I was still living with him. Ugh, I had to let Gavin kiss me.

Was I attracted to Gavin? Sadly, yes. Probably a physical thing, or from just how I cut myself off from dating and other men, all for a guy who I didn't even know if it would work out with. But that just all balled up, along with me giving that guy in the bar my phone number, and here I am. Alone on Friday night, because Joey has a date. And Phoebe does too. And Monica and Chandler went out together. Its just me and Emma, who's sleeping in the other room.

I wonder what Ross is doing. Does he have a date tonight? I hope not.

Or, wait. He can have a date. We're not together. We are not together. Why is it so hard to tell myself that? I'm sure quick to correct anyone else. "Well, Mr. and Mrs. Geller-" "Oh, no, we're not a couple." Its so easy to just snap and say that. It feels prerecorded now, an instinct. Yet, it looks like I'm the hardest person to actually persuade of that. Its like I still think of him as mine.

Well, you know, he could be one day.

But how long do I have to wait for "one day", if it ever even comes? The image of us being on-again is always distant. Its always in the future. There was only one time where its felt close enough to touch, to grasp and hold on to for dear life. That moment that Emma was born. God, it had to be the happiest moment of my life. I'm still in such awe when I think of how we just created this little person. And when Ross and I kissed, it didn't even feel like a future together was a question. It was the simplest kiss, and at the same time, it meant more than most of our kisses combined. I knew right then, that, the three of us? We could make it. Well, I thought I knew.

God, I really loathe myself sometimes.

I'm no where near being over him, am I? And, you know, now that I think about it . . .it's not like I've been holding on to just a memory for five years. There's always been chances. Sure, we've missed them, but each chance makes it that much harder to let go. But I probably should. Before I know it, I will just be holding onto a memory. Or maybe-

Ross has just come over. Gee, Ross, what lovely timing. Can I just go gag myself somewhere?

"I just came to check on Emma," he whispers, careful not to wake her.

God, he really is just the perfect daddy, isn't he?

"I just put her down a little while ago," I quietly say back. "She's in her crib, you can go say goodnight."

"Thanks."

I watch him as he disappears into my bedroom. Suddenly, a memory jerks up to the present. Well, sort of like the soundtrack to a memory.

With or without you, with or without you, oh, I can't live...with or without you.

That was our song, once. Hell, it still is. We're always waiting for something, even if neither of us has brought it up. We're always waiting. What are we waiting for? Will it ever even come?

And you give yourself away, and you give yourself away. And you give, and you give, and you give yourself away...

"Nice singing," I hear him say. I look up, my cheeks tinted with a blush as I realize that I've been softly singing out loud. "I still love that song."

"So do I," I quietly reply, averting my eyes. We sit in silence a few minutes. You'd think it would be awkward. But with Ross and I, we never really feel awkward. There's an unspoken comfort in moments like these. Sometimes words aren't necessary. Especially when you're with someone you have an eighteen-year-long history with.

I can feel his eyes on me. I finally look up, letting the path of my gaze fall into his.

There's something here . . .I know that look. That's not a normal, every-day Ross look. He doesn't look at other people this way, and I know because I watch. Or maybe I just hope he saves these looks for me.

God, I really hope he does.

"Well, I guess I better get going," he eventually says.

"Yeah," I sigh, a bit disappointed. Did I just miss another chance to say something?

Before I know it, he's pulling me into one of his patented Ross-hugs that I love so much. I lay my head against his shoulder, letting out a breath I didn't realize I was holding in. I can feel his hand rub my back comfortingly- he knows something's bothering me. He doesn't have to say it, he just does. He kisses me lightly on the side of my head- we've been so affectionate since the pregnancy. I like it. But its not enough.

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?", he whispers, pulling away. He might know something's wrong, but he doesn't know exactly what. Or the one thing that would make it all better. Well, to be fair, I'm not even sure I know. So I guess I can't blame him.

"Okay." I smile at him.

"Goodnight, Rach." He flashes me a smile, and leaves. I find myself staring at the door long after he leaves, a smile lingering on my own face. I pull myself out of the apparent trance and check on Emma one last time before getting ready to settle down for the night.

Maybe that wasn't a missed chance. Maybe it was a step. A step forward.

Yeah, I like the sound of that.

And suddenly, that distant future seems a little bit closer. I can't quite grasp it yet, but I can faintly touch it. Faintly. But I feel like we can move closer. We are moving closer. It'll take a while to pick up the pieces, but when we're done . . .maybe I wont have to move on after all. Maybe I won't have to hope.

What was that other part of the song I liked?

Through the storm, we reach the shore. You give it all, but I want more. And I'm waiting for you...

Story of my life, huh?