Watching, Waiting, Wanting.
I could feel the cool breeze flowing in through the open window, I know should go over and close it, it was bitter out there and I would never get to sleep unless I did, but it would take to much energy, energy I just don't have, energy that I had lost when I had flirted with him so many times, which there had now been no point to, it had all been a waste of time and completely useless now he was married, married to a women he barely knew, married to a women that was twice the women I ever I could be, married to women who had nothing to tie her down. Married. It seems so final, no more asking him if he's free after work for a drink, of course he wouldn't be, I mean what married man would ditch his wife, to go for a drink with someone who has had more men than he's had hot dinners.
I sat up on her bed and pulled the blanket around myself, tears falling freely down my face, no energy to wipe them away, as I thought about all the times we had spent together, how I had wished we would become more than just friends. Just friends. That's all we will ever be to him and to everyone else, but to me there will always be the what ifs, What if I had made more of an effort to show him how much I cared for him, what if I had made it clear to him I wanted to be more than friends, what if I had just came right out and said I LOVE YOU. What if I had just came out and said exactly how I felt about his marriage when he had asked me.
I muster up enough energy to walk across the room to close the window, Thinking if only forgetting about all the 'what ifs' and all the 'chances' I had could be shut away like shutting the window. But life's never that easy, life's about Watching, Waiting, and Wanting something or someone and when you finally pluck up enough courage to grab it, life pulls it away again. I flop down on my bed and pull the blanket even tighter around me, not caring that the pillows literally drenched in all the tears, Who knew someone could cry as many tears I have tonight and still have more to cry for the rest of my life remembering about what I have loved and lost.