Title: Peaches
Rating: T for France's mind
Genres: Humor/Friendship
Characters: America and England
Summary: America tells the Allies about his favorite fruit. Oh god, that sounds so wrong. Songfic.
Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lotta peaches,
Movin' to the country, gonna eat me a lotta peaches,
Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lotta peaches,
Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lotta peaches.
It was a pretty normal day for the Allies. Russia was creeping. America was nombling a hamburger and chattering away to Russia. China was yelling into his phone about touching me inappropriately. France was sipping a glass of wine and not-so-discreetly checking out England. Canada was contemplating making everyone believe that HQ were haunted. And England?
England was muttering to himself, considering storming dramatically out, and, meanwhile, eating a peach.
When the odor of peaches had permeated the entire room, finally America noticed. "DUDE!" he cried, jumping up and knocking over his chair. "You have a peach? Can I have it? Huh? Huh? Huh? Please?" He stared hopefully at his former brother.
"No," said England flatly, taking a decisive bite of peach flesh.
"Aw, c'mon, Iggy! Just one bite! You're always telling me to eat healthier! Please? Please? You're supposed to be a limey, not a peachy! Please? Please? PLEASE?"
America had the exact personality of a Labrador Retriever, right down to incessant eating and begging. However, like a Labrador Retriever, his puppy-dog eyes were nearly impossible to refuse. "If you must," sighed England, handing over the peach.
"Woohoo!" cheered America, chomping into the fruit and chewing blissfully. He didn't seem to notice the juices dribbling down his chin. Eech.
"Ew! You shared spit, aru! Gross, aru!" exclaimed China, who had finally hung up on Korea's ass and watched the exchange. He wrinkled his nose in disgust.
America stared at the Asian nation. "Peaches? Gross? Never."
He leaned against the wall in a classic badass pose, nombling the peach, free hand on his hip. "Let me tell you something about peaches, friend." America picked up a scroll to use as a mike, and belted out, "PEACHES COME FROM A CAN, THEY WERE PUT THERE BY A MAN IN A FACTORY DOWNTOWNNN-"
"In Soviet Russia, peaches put men in cans!" chirped Russia.
"-AND IF I HAD MAH LITTLE WAY, I'D EAT PEACHES EVERYDAY, SUN SOAKIN' BULGES IN THE SHAAADE..."
France's eyes filled with tears. "Mon cher! You have learned! You are following in my footsteps! I am so proud!" He sniffled and tried to put an arm around America, but England swatted it away.
"Keep your creepiness away from minors," the limey growled.
"Protective, yes? Good, good! Your true feelings shall soon be-"
"Kindly shut up."
"But Angleterre, America just spoke as a true pervert! Of course I am proud!"
"He was talking about peaches you-!"
"Now, now, language, Angleterre. I'm sure you want to keep things appropriate around a minor."
"...GIT!"
"Denial!"
"Prat!"
"Idiot!"
"Frog!"
"FLAMINGO!"
"AMERICAN - wait, what?"
"HEY!" cried America indignantly. Unknowingly, his next remark spared the group of both France's explanation of England's flamingoness and England's [unnecessary to everyone but America] explanation of why 'American' was an insult. "I'm TRYING to sing the chorus here!"
"In Soviet Russia, choruses sing you!"
"Shut up, aru!"
"It's okay, China. Not everyone can have a personality. BUT ALL WILL ONE DAY BE ONE WITH RUSSIA kolkolkol..."
America, paying no attention to (read: not noticing) the argument, was crooning into his scrollcrophone, "Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lotta peaches, Movin' to the country, gonna eat me a lotta peaches-"
"I have duct tape in my car," stated England.
"I can think of some uses for it, honhonhon..."
"-Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lotta peaches-"
"...What do you...wait... WANKER!"
"Why are you angry, Angleterre? I was simply referring to duct taping America's mouth shut."
"In Soviet Russia, duct tape is mouthed!"
"...Why am I allied with you flamingos?"
"Honhonhon, I know that Angleterre loves us."
"Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lotta peaches-"
"You already said that, aru!"
America's eyes narrowed, clearly taking China's words as a challenge. "O RLY? I TOOK A LITTLE NAP WHERE THE ROOTS ALL TWIST, SQUISHED A ROTTEN PEACH IN M'FIST-"
"In your sleep? What were you dreaming about, honhonhon?"
"-DREAMED ABOUT YEWWW, WOMANNN..." For dramatic effect, America (who was getting extremely into the lyrics) dropped down to one knee and took England's hand, caterwauling into the scrollcrophone held in his other.
England yanked his hand back, cheeks a red that could've put even florid Romano to shame. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GIT?"
"Question sufficiently answered, honhonhon."
"I'M NOT A WOMAN!"
"I have the same problem, aru!" China held up his cell phone.
"-I POKED MY FINGER DOWN INSIDE-"
"Onhonhonhonhon, America is less innocent than Angleterre thinks!"
"Seconded, aru!"
"In Soviet Russia, innocence loses America!"
"-MAKE A LITTLE ROOM FOR AN ANT TO HIDE-"
"...I do not understand...?"
"He's singing about a fruit, you perverted frog! Why must you corrupt everything?"
"-NATURE'S CANDY IN MY HAND, OR CAN, OR PIE..." As America named the can and pie, one of each appeared on the table.
"Where didd those come from, aru?"
"This is a music video. Nothing makes sense."
"In Soviet Russia, America comes from peaches!"
America suddenly meowed twice. The rest of the Allies looked at him in surprise, but his eyes were closed and his hands were thumping out a beat on the table. France looked dubiously at England, who shrugged and mouthed, Greek influence?
America meowed two more times. Then his eyes snapped open and he shouted, "LOOK OUT!"
Immediately, England and France hit the deck. Russia, China, and America suddenly stood back-to-back in a Teen Titans-ish battle pose, each armed: Russia with his spigot, China with a gleaming sword, and America with an... air guitar?
"This is no time for a guitar solo, aru!" china screamed, whacking America on the back of the head. America's eyes opened again. Three random ninjas sprang from various clever hiding spots, and the nations leapt into battle to America's war cry of:
"MILLIONS OF PEACHES, PEACHES FOR ME! MILLIONS OF PEACHES, PEACHES FOR FREE!"
Thus followed a long, epic-looking, and highly unrealistic fight. It was very Bleach-esque, with a convenient reduction of gravity and impossible agility. Somehow China and Russia ended up standing on a tree branch twenty feet in the air. INDOORS. And America, against all odds, brained a ninja with his air guitar. While singing,
"MILLIONS OF PEACHES, PEACHES FOR ME! MILLIONS OF PEACHES, PEACHES FOR FREE! Look out!"
England and France, who had been fighting over the popcorn, hastily duct. But America simply laughed. "Made'ja look!"
"I hate that git," muttered England.
Russia jumped off the tree branch, yelled "VODKAAA!", and landed in a snowbank that disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. Meanwhile, China floated down on a fart cloud. Seriously. It's possible. Try it. Send me pictures. Blame it on vodka, not me.
China snapped a photo of the vanquished ninjas with a combination iPod/toaster/flashlight/camera/stapleless stapler/dragon whistle/anime boob job coupon dispenser/miscellaneous cute robot with no apparent purpose that he had gotten from Japan. "Suck on that, aru!"
Through the entire fight, America, miraculously, had managed to keep playing his guitar solo.
"America," said England, eye twitching, "who wrote that song?"
"My bosses," said America cheerfully. "A few of them got together and decided to sing about peaches. I think there was tequila somewhere in there too."
England stared at him awkwardly.
AND THEN GERMANY AND ITALY HAD SEX.
THE END.
A/N: Explanations are due.
Why is 'flamingo' an insult? No idea. It made perfect sense when I wrote it, but that was at 3 in the morning...
What the L is a scrollcrophone? Scroll/microphone pairing name. Like Klaine or Percabeth.
What's with the meows? When I listened to it, I heard two meows. According to a lyrics site it's 'yeah, yeah', but meowing is just awesomer.
What's with the ninjas? In the music video, that fight actually does happen. Unfortunately there is no smashing with air guitars, Hetalia characters, or vodka. The bit about the tree branch and the fact that they fight three ninjas are.
Why did America say his bosses wrote the song? The band is called The Presidents Of The United States Of America. Naming your band that takes either drugs or some serious balls.
Why did Russia say 'not everyone can have a personality'? Because China doesn't have much for personality. He also doesn't get much screen time. I really don't know which is cause and which is effect. Whenever I write him he comes out sort of Polandy.
Why did you say 'duct' instead of 'ducked'? Because I wrote that by accident and didn't notice until the third edit. I thought it was so derpy I decided to leave it.
Aren't you going to do a disclaimer? Ahem. *clears throat*
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I don't own Hetalia,
So please don't sue,
And all authors are desparate,
So for Pete's sake, REVIEW!