Three Cheers for Fanservice – a.k.a. 3C4FS
Part One: What kind of a name is Novacek?
"I'm sleepy," yawned Rei
"Well, go to bed." Makoto told her.
"SNL is on!" Re I pointed at the TV.
"Well then don't." Makoto said.
"I think I'll go to bed." Rei announced.
"That was pointless." Makoto sighed.
* * * * *
Rei yawned and flung back her bed covers. She looked in surprise at an ugly and scary-looking man already sleeping in her bed.
"Hi, I'm Jay Novacek, all-star member of three former Dallas Cowboy teams." The man in her bed said sleepily. "Get your hair cut at Sportclips™."
"What are you doing in my bed?" Rei demanded.
"Oh, that's right, I'm supposed to be an evil nemesis and fight you." Jay Novacek said, scratching his head. "But I fell asleep."
"Then we need a scene change." Rei said.
* * * * *
The requested scene change was put into effect, and Jay Novacek was now facing off with Sailor Moon and her entire entourage. Yes, that's right – all the scouts, the Starlights, Tuxedo Mask, and the three cats.
"I'm Jay Novacek, all-star member of three former Dallas Cowboy teams, and I will beat you." Jay Novacek said rather stupidly.
"I don't think so!" Sailor Moon cried as she struck various poses, all of which were physically impossible for a human being to perform. "I am Sailor Moon, and I fight for the moon! So, in the name of the moon, I will turn you into moondust!" In response, Jay Novacek brought out a football and threw it at Sailor Moon. It hit her on the head and she fell on the ground, legs sticking up in the air. Numerous sweatdrops appeared. With another inhuman feat of agility, Sailor Moon managed to pop back up to her feet with no effort at all, he body becoming nothing more than a smear of color for a few seconds.
"Oh no you don't! I am Sailor Venus, and I was a Dallas cheerleader, mainly because I am a blonde with no personality! I saw you on the field and you sucked!" Sailor Venus proclaimed and pointed an accusatory finger at Jay Novacek.
Nobody did anything for a couple of seconds.
"Aren't you supposed to do an attack?" Asked Jay Novacek. Venus sweatdropped.
"Heh, heh. Yeah. Love Me Chain!" Venus cried. A chain of beautiful pink hearts wrapped themselves around Jay Novacek.
"Hahaha!" Jay Novacek laughed. "I was not a member of three former Dallas Cowboy teams because of my intelligence! My immense strength will break your puny chain!" And because the author has realized there are numerous characters just milling around in the background just doing nothing that need to be included, he broke through the chain.
"Minna, attack!" cried Sailor Mars. "Burning Mandala!"
"Sparkling Wide Pressure!" yelled Jupiter.
"Shine Aqua Illusion!" shouted Mercury
"Silence Glaive Surprise!" cried Saturn
"World Shaking!" roared Uranus.
"Deep Submerge!" yelled Neptune.
"Dead Scream." Whispered Pluto.
Tuxedo Mask plucked a rose from his buttonhole and smelled it.
"Pink Sugar Heart Attack!" Chibi-Usa cried in a horrifyingly cute voice.
"Chibi Mandala Chibi Pressure Chibi Illusion Chibi Surprise Chibi Shaking Chibi Submerge Chibi Scream Chibi Heart Attack!" squeaked the small flamingo child.
As a result, a peculiar thing was hurled at Jay Novacek. It was a spherical object that was burning, yet made of water, with electricity, more water, thunderous shaking, green stuff, and a whole lot of sugar. A LOT of sugar. In fact, that was mainly what killed Jay Novacek. He pretty much drowned in all that hideously pink sugar.
"We didn't get to do anything." Complained Sailor Star Maker.
"We just watched." Sailor Star Healer said.
"I wonder if you could eat that sugar." Sailor Star Fighter mused.
* * * * *
"How am I supposed to work with her climbing all over me?" demanded Ami. Chibi-Chibi was crawling all over her like a small, bright red squirrel with an immense head.
"I say we kill it and eat it." Rei remarked. Chibi-Chibi looked over Ami's shoulder at her and snarled. "Whoah. I think it needs a rabies shot." Rei said, backing away.
"That doesn't matter, Rei-chan." Makoto said, waving her hands around and speaking patronizingly. "We have to find out who sent Jay Novacek to destroy us."
"Chibi destroy us!" Chibi-Chibi chirped.
"Shut up!" Rei yelled at it.
"Chibi shut up!" twittered Chibi-Chibi, and scampered off of Ami to climb up the wall and perch on the ceiling fan.
"I found out who sent Jay Novacek!" cried Ami excitedly.
"Really?" Minako asked as she entered Hikawa jinja. (Didn't I say they were at Rei's temple? Oh. Well, they are.)
"No, not really." Ami said. "That would make this fic shorter, and we can't have that, now can we?"
"Chibi can we!" Chibi-Chibi squeaked.
* * * * *
"Accio dictionary." Harry Potter said. A dictionary flew into his hand.
"We has Divination next," grumbled Ron Weasley.
"Oh, boy. Let's skip." suggested Harry.
"Great idea." said Ron.
* * * * *
"Have you found out who sent Jay Novacek after us?" Usagi asked Ami.
"No, Usako, you asked me that just a second ago." Ami replied.
"Chibi second ago!"
* * * * *
Now we will find out who the guy is. No, it wasn't Harry Potter. But that is an interesting idea, isn't it?
"Time for dinner, pumpkin!" a voice called down the stairs. In the basement was a scrawny pale fanboy names Norbert.
"Not now, ma!" Norbert yelled back. He looked at a small notebook in front of him. "Jay Novacek failed?" Norbert said in horror. "I'll have to send my back-up weapon." He walked to a wall with a single bookcase and pulled one book out from the shelf. The wall rotated, giving Norbert access to his secret laboratory.
"Norbert! Dinner!"
"I'm not hungry, ma!" Norbert yelled, entering the laboratory, and he began to plot his next attack against the Senshi.
* * * * *
Author's Note: Why is Harry Potter in here? Who the hell is Norbert? Why is he attacking the Senshi? And why did he send a retired football player? If you know, please tell me, because it's all so very confusing.
Next Time, on 3C4FS:
Usagi: My shirt is short enough.
Harry Potter: I can't find my way back to Hogwarts!
Norbert: Emmit Smith will destroy you with PowerAde!
Chibi-Chibi: Chibi PowerAde!
Can you make sense of it? All this and more in Part 2 of 3 Cheers 4 Fanservice!