Lirael sat on the balcony at the top of the Abhorsen's house, looking out over the waterfall. She couldn't sleep. All she saw when she closed her eyes was The Dog's face before she died. All she heard was Orannis's voice telling her all would fail. All she felt was pain; the pain of breaking Orannis in two and the pain of losing The Dog. Sometimes, she dreams a different ending; that The Dog didn't die and somehow neither did she. Those dreams are worse, because then she has to wake up and realize they were only dreams.
She heard footsteps, but didn't turn.
"Do you mind?" asked Sabriel.
Lirael shook her head no.
Sabriel sat down beside her.
After a moment, Sabriel says simply, "Losing your friend hurts you a great deal. That is understandable." She paused and looked at Lirael, reading her reaction, "But your grief is consuming you. I'm worried about you." Sabriel said bluntly, yet gently.
Lirael turned to look at her sister, eyes wide.
"How did you know?" She had thought she was hiding it well; she had been trying so hard to not to worry them. It hurt, but she told herself that she had dealt with pain like that before. She tried to ignore the small voice in her head that so often reminded her that she'd had The Dog, and before that, without The Dog, she'd almost killed herself.
"Your eyes are empty. Nothing reaches them." Sabriel explained.
"I'm sorry -" Lirael started, turning away again so that her sister wouldn't see the tears welling up in her eyes. Her sister who was so strong through everything would surely never have allowed grief to crush her so, or at least would never have shown it.
"No." Sabriel cut her off. "Do not apologize for grieving for your friend."
"I just… I didn't mean to be cold." She whispered, tears brimming. They had taken her in and been so kind, she didn't want to repay them by being miserable and distant, but she missed the Dog so much...
Sabriel gently laid a hand on her sister's shoulder. Lirael turned to look at her, but couldn't see her face properly through her tears.
"Grieve and we will be here for you. You don't need to hide from us or fear that you are being cold. You can be alone if it helps, but know that we are here for you when you need us. You lost someone who you were very close to, a wound like that does not heal over night."
"You speak like you've known this pain. Did you lose people when you fought Kerrigor? How did you not sink in it?" Lirael asked quietly. She had heard that many died during the fight and did not know how her sister would feel about talking about it.
"Yes, I lost many friends and schoolmate I had known since childhood. I lost Ellimere. I was sinking in it as well because I refused to acknowledge that I felt it. I hid behind my duty as Abhorsen and tried to feel nothing. Touchstone brought me through it, made me acknowledge what I was feeling and deal with it. He helped me deal with it as I helped him not sink into his grief for his mother and sisters." Sabriel answered. She looked sad, but was clearly not angry at the question, as Lirael had feared.
Lirael nodded and laid her head on Sabriel's shoulder. Sabriel rested her cheek on her sister's head and brought her arms around her. They sat in silence for a long while and Lirael closed her eyes, grateful for her sister's support. It was still surprising to realize how her new family loved her.
So she had gone through this too. So had the King. Touchstone, I have to remember to call my good-brother by his name. Of course, I knew that Kerrigor had killed his sisters and mother, but I never thought about the fact that those must have also been Touchstone's sisters and mother and that, for him, it must have felt like they'd just died. And Sabriel had felt as I now feel. I didn't realize that hiding my feelings would be just as bad as showing them, if not worse. I can imagine Sabriel trying not to feel but I can't imagine Sabriel actually feeling this broken. But she had when she'd lost Ellimere. Wait. Ellimere?
Lirael lifted her head. "Ellimere? But…" Then she understood. "Your daughter was named after your friend."
Sabriel nodded. "She was."
"Who was she? The first Ellimere." Lirael asked, then quickly added. "If you don't mind speaking about her, that is."
Sabriel smiled a small, sad smile. "I don't mind. Not anymore. Now I'm glad to speak of her. She was one of my closest friends; a sister in all but blood. We grew up together since the age of five. We were inseparable, Ellimere, Sulyn and I. We were only ever apart during midwinter and the summer when they went home during the vacations."
Lirael looked away again, processing this new knowledge about her sister. "How do you get over loosing someone who meant so much to you?"
"You never truly get over it. Even when that worst seems to have passed, the wound lingers and bleeds anew when prodded by a memory or a comment… When Touchstone suggested we name our daughter Ellimere it hurt as much as when I first realized that she was gone, that I would never see her, never speak to her again." She looked over at Lirael.
Lirael nodded silently. Despite the time that had passed and Nicholas's news of her friend, every time she saw a dog her wound bled. And of course there were the dreams, the nightmares.
She frowned. "But then why did you name her that? How can you look at Ellimere without pain? Without thinking of your friend?"
"I was worried that I wouldn't be able to. Then Touchstone told me why he thought that would be a good name for her. All of the things I'd told him about Ellimere. I remembered how she used to throw herself into everything she did, how she would practically jump on Sulyn and I when they came back from their summer vacation. It hurts, but I also remember why losing her hurt so much; why I loved her. Then I knew that if I held onto that, it wouldn't hurt so much. I knew that I would love my daughter and I knew that she would add to the name, make it her own, but that I could tell her of the great woman she was named for." Sabriel answered, eyes distant but bright.
They were silent. Lirael tried to image how that must've felt. She couldn't.
"I don't know how to get there." Lirael admitted quietly.
"You will. That's all you have to keep in mind. There's nothing to figure out, though it all seems so complicated. Feel what you feel, but don't lose yourself in it and don't hide from it. Live you life and talk about her. In time you will be able to remember her without feeling like someone has stabbed you. Neither Touchstone nor I would have been able to get through it without remembering the ones we lost, without talking about them. That's how the wound heals." Sabriel advised her confidently but gently. "You are not alone in this, your friend knew that."
"I know." Lirael said sadly, "The Dog said there would be other friends." She deliberately left out the rest of what The Dog had said. "And I do remember that. I try to follow it. I like working with you. It helps. So does playing tennis with Ellimere and watching Sam make things."
Sabriel looked at her sidelong "Your friend the Dog also mentioned other loves, I seem to remember."
"Well… yes. She said that too." Lirael acknowledged, blushing.
"I believe Sam is sending a letter to his friend in Ancelstierre." Sabriel mentioned, too casually for it to really be casual.
Lirael flushed darker. She had thought of writing a letter to Nicholas as soon as Sam mentioned he was going to send one. She had always found writing easier than speaking, but this was different. She didn't know what to say to him. Everything she thought of sounded strange and she couldn't shake the realization that for some reason she had been sad that he'd chosen to remain in Ancelstierre. Besides, it all seemed so futile when the Dog wasn't there to tease her or tell her to stop being foolish.
"The Dog would tell me to write to him." As soon as she said it aloud, Lirael had the strangest urge to laugh, though the same memory had just made her want to cry. "She would bite my ankle and tell me to stop sulking and see how the nice young man was doing."
Sabriel smiled. "I'm sure Nicholas would like to hear how you fare as well."
Lirael wondered at that.
Would he really want to hear from me? Perhaps I will write the letter. Sam's sending his tomorrow. I'll just have to sit down and write it. Then I can send it off and not think about it.
Then she felt guilty. She had completely forgotten about The Dog for a moment.
"Don't feel guilty." Sabriel said, as if reading her mind. "I did not know her, but I know The Dog loved you a great deal and would not want you to stop your life, stop your feelings, for her. You yourself have said that she told you as much. So allow yourself be distracted, to continue living your life. Write to Nicholas. Help me with the Dead. Watch Sam work and play tennis with Ellie. The best way to honour her memory is to keep living."
The Dog would approve. She knew that instantly. She could almost see The Dog saying it and then sitting there with the smug grin she wore when she knew she was right, which was almost always.
She smiled. She spoke to The Dog as much as to Sabriel when she promised, "I will."