A/N: This is a small one shot which was inspired by the Imagine Dragons song Demons. It's my idea of what might have happened with Christian after Ana left. In this, they've been apart for four days. Enjoy!
"This reminded me of a happy time.", I repeat for the thousandth time. In my hand is the model glider kit which I found on Ana's bed, the bed she slept in during her stay here in my ivory tower. I set the box on to the nightstand and collapse my body on to the mattress. Her scent is still on the sheets. Jasmine. I inhale that delectable scent, wishing I could bottle it up and carry it around with me. At least having the slighest reminder of her might help with the grief I'm feeling. Fuck, who I am kidding? It would only make me feel worse if that's even possible. Ordinarily, people grieve when a loved one dies. There is no death here, yet there's loss. It's the greatest loss I've ever felt which is ironic for a man who once claimed to never being able to feel. That was before Ana literally fell into my life. I tried to tell her and especially myself that I was no good for her, yet my yearning for her couldn't be denied. I needed her. Being the selfish monster that I was, I convinced her to be with me, wanting her to be my sub even though she continually wanted me.
"I don't do romance. It's not part of who I am.", I told her after she asked about us going on proper dates. Of course this was before I finally agreed to give it a try.
"I don't believe that. You keep telling me that you're not capable of these things, but I know there's more to you than you claim. You just need to knock down those barricades around your heart.", she said. Her hands start going towards my chest, but my reflexes are too fast and stop her.
"There aren't any barricades around my heart because there is no heart."
"You have a heart. Maybe you haven't believed it, but it's there, buried deep within you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can truly be happy."
That was one of several conversations Ana and I had in regards to her believing I was a better person. Over time, I had moments where I thought she might be right. In turn, I could possibly be capable of being the kind of guy she wanted, one who would take her out on actual dates, hold hands, etc. When she went to Georgia to see her mother, I missed her so much that I flew across the country to see her.
"What are you doing here?", she asked with bewildering eyes.
"I came to see you." I brushed a piece of hair away from her beautiful face and smiled.
"Why though?"
"Because I was missing you. Ana, you've enchanted me in a way that's scary and exciting at the same time. I'm going to try to give you more.", I replied as her face radiated like the sun.
Georgia was everything I had hoped it would be. Ana and I grew closer with each second. Unfortunately, the call came that woke me up. Leila, one of my former subs, had gotten into my apartment and begged Gail, my housekeeper, to let her see me. Gail tried to tell her that I wasn't home and wouldn't be for a while, but Leila was acting erratic. She started saying how she needed me and that we should be together. Then she snapped and grabbed a knife which she used to cut her wrist. Gail went to call for an ambulance, but when she returned, Leila was gone. I hated to cut my time with Ana short, but I needed to get back to Seattle to find out what was going on with Leila. When I first met Leila, she was a vibrant and happy young woman. She was also a good submissive, but over time, Leila started changing. The relationship we had wasn't enough. She asked if there was a chance for us to have more, but I said no. It wasn't until I met Ana that I truly wanted to be more with a woman. I ended my contract with Leila, and she found love and got married. The marriage ended, but she found a new love who tragically died.
The incident with Leila made me second guess whether I could be the guy for Ana. I wanted it more than any of the big money deals that I've ever done, yet my head kept telling me that Ana was better off. I had lived in darkness for so long, and finding my way out was likely impossible. Ana's return from Georgia was the beginning of the end. We started going at it with our mouths and hands the second she walked into my apartment. I needed to bury myself deep inside her so I could relieve myself of the inner turmoil plaquing me. Ana had other plans. She wanted to dive into why I am what I am, a subject I didn't want to discuss. She then shocked me by asking me to show her how bad punishment could be. I told her no at first, but she said she wanted more clarity. Each step we took towards the playroom was a step closer to the dissolution of us. Ana stripped and bent over while I took out a belt. I hit her once and stopped, but Ana didn't use the safe word. One by one, I kept hitting her until that fateful sixth lash. That was her breaking point.
"Get away from me! If this is what you want to do to me, then you're one fucked up person!", she shouted before running to her room. I was disgusted with myself. The monster had emerged front and center. I gave Ana some time alone before going to check on her. Seeing her crying on her bed was like a kick to the gut. I was responsible for each tear falling from her beautiful face. Me. I did that. The culmination came when Ana confessed that she had fallen in love with me. I immediately told her she couldn't be in love with me. I was incapable of love, and she needed to be with someone who could give her the love she deserves. She gathered her things and left. The moment the elevator door shut after her departure, a hollowness started forming in my body. I slid down to the floor and stared at that elevator for minutes and then hours, feeling the hate I had for myself grow.
"Mr. Grey, is everything ok?", Gail asked after finding me in my spot. My entire body had gone numb from being in the position for hours.
"Everything is fine.", I lied. "I'm just...I...don't know."
"Is Miss Steele gone?"
"Yes. She's gone and won't be back." Saying it out loud sent chills throughout my body. I finally managed to pull myself up and made my way to her bedroom where I found the box and note.
It's been four days since I've found the box and note, and I still go into the room every day and hold them. I've considered sleeping in the bed in an effort to be closer to her, but fear of contaminating what's left of her scent has held me off. My routine though is the same. After waking up in the morning, I dress and go to the kitchen where I practically force myself to eat the smallest amount of food. I then go to Ana's room where I sit until it's time to leave for work. I used to be vocal and expressive at work, but now, I'm almost like a robot. I sit and pretend to listen to those around me. Who knows what I've actually agreed to these past few days. Once work is finally over, I go home and sit in Ana's bedroom some more. Flynn, my therapist, would come right out and tell me that I need to stop and take action. Fortunately, he hasn't seen me in this state. He's seen me during some pretty shitty times, but those don't hold a candle to this. One thing he's always told me was how he felt I could be a better man. How can I be a better man when all I am is a monster? Beneath my exterior is nothing but darkness. The one person who almost broke through was Ana, and she's gone.
After spending another thirty minutes in the bedroom, I make my way to work where I wade through a pile of messages. The Seattle Times called and said they'd like to do a piece on me. The mayor called and said he'd like to get together to discuss a partnership to help the city become more energy efficient. There are a few other messages, but none of them mean anything to me. I stand and head to the conference room where Reginald McClaren, a leading developer in the solar movement is waiting on me.
"Mr. McClaren, I'm sorry for keeping you waiting.", I say, shaking his hand and forcing myself to give him a smile.
"It's not a problem. I used the wait to get in touch with my wife.", he replies while sitting back in his chair. "She's back at our home in Portland and worries about me when I travel." Seeing the genuine smile on his face is almost sickening and yet I can't help but find myself a tad jealous of him. He has someone who worries about him. "With us only in our second month of marriage, I find myself not wanting to travel as much. That's one thing I'm hoping we can compromise with in our deal. I'd really like to set everything up so I can do most of my work in Portland."
"You must have it bad if you're willing to make such a huge adjustment for the sake of your relationship."
"I'd do anything for my wife. It's kind of ironic though since I used to be one of the greatest opponents of marriage. I was determined to stay single forever, but Mandy, my wife, changed that. She made me see that love isn't this simple concept. It's layer upon layer of good and bad." The more he speaks, the more nauseus I feel. I finally can't take any more.
"Mr. McClaren, I'm sorry, but I'm going to need to reschedule our meeting. I'm not feeling well. My apologies." He only nods and watches while I push my chair back and hurry out of the conference room in route to my office.
My assistant Andrea is confused when she sees me returning to my office, but she doesn't question me. I close the door behind me and scurry across the floor to the restroom which sits at the back of my office. Beads of sweat are trickling from my forhead while I feel like all of the air is leaving my body. I can't breathe. My hands grasp at my collar, but the feeling is only intensifying. In an effort to control the spinning of the room, I grip the sides of the sink, bringing my eyes to the mirror and seeing the monster before me.
"Ana's better off without you.", I mutter to myself. "When she looks at you, all she sees is the darkness. You wanted to hide the truth and hide the beast inside, but there's no where to hide. She thought you had a heart, yet the only thing you have is demons." No longer able to stare at my reflection, I slam my fist into the mirror, causing it to shatter.
"Mr. Grey, what's going on?", Taylor asks after rushing into the room. His eyes go to the shard of glass on the floor around me. "Your hand." I see blood pouring from my hand, and yet it's not the physical pain that's coursing through my body. It's the pain of having Ana leave me.
"It's nothing.", I shrug. Taylor grabs the towel from the towel rack and places it against my hand. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."
"Sir, you need to get stitches." I back away and take in the shards of glass. "I'll get this cleaned up. Don't worry about it."
"It's broken. I ruined it." My words are directed at the loss of Ana, not at the mirror. I notice that Taylor's eyes have softened, and he's smiling slightly.
"Just because something is broken doesn't mean it can't be repaired. In fact, it often turns out to be even better the second time around." Like me, I sense Taylor's referring to Ana. He's been witness to my life before Ana, with Ana, and now post Ana. I know I've put him through the ringer with my mood swings, but he still stands by me.
"Why do you stay? Taylor, you've been privy to what I am, and for some reason, you and Gail both stay. You haven't run yet. Why?"
"Because I know you. You don't think I do, but I do. I've seen the man you let the world see, and I've seen the man you are behind closed doors. However, neither of those men is the real you. You've got dark secrets, but that doesn't mean you're a bad guy. You're a good man. I know that. Gail knows that. Miss Steele knows that as well. One reason why I like her is that she was able to help the real you peek through."
"I'm too fucked up for her."
"Damn it Grey! How many times are you going to say that?" I can't believe he raised his voice at me. "We've all got some shades of fucked up in us. Do you think I've had this picture perfect life? I watched my best friend get hit by a truck when we were eighteen. For years, it haunted me. I blamed myself and felt like I should have been the one six feet under. I had another friend finally help me see that my dead friend would want me to enjoy my life. He'd want me to live life to the fullest and make it count. I decided to honor him by being happy. I'm no longer broken and now feel like a better person than I've ever been." Taylor's words are sinking in with me. I need Ana in my life. Despite telling myself she deserved better, I can't let my feelings for her go. I can't let my love wilt. Love? Ana said she loved me, but I told her I wasn't capable of love. Yet once again I was fooling myself because I am capable of love. I love Ana.
"Taylor, can you drive me to the ER so I can see about my hand. It might need stitches. Afterwards, I'm going home to try and get some sleep."
"Sleep?"
"Yes. If I'm going to get Ana back, I need to be at my best."