Misfire

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Rating: K+

Adversity is the first path to truth.

-Lord Byron

She watches him walk away and can't help but wonder what he wanted to say to her. She can't tear her eyes from him. Can't pretend that he doesn't...

She's a mess. Life and death situations do that to a person. But Josh came back for her. He came back and it means a lot. She recalls last summer and what it means not to come back. Not to try. So she has to let Castle walk away, regardless of what he wants to say to her.

Josh deserves her attention. He deserves respect. And if she tries really hard she can almost believe that they can work together. She isn't ready to give up anyway. She has never been a quitter, and she won't start now based on some hypothetical notion.

If he loved her... he would have stuck around. If he loved her... he would have come back. He didn't. Maybe he has some passing infatuation with her, but she can't risk her heart on that. Not when she has a man who wants her right now. A man who is willing to sacrifice something he wanted so badly because he knew it was making her miserable. What kind of person would she be if she ignored that?

She doesn't think Castle can understand just what it meant that Josh returned. She wants to believe that he does and that he's okay with it. But things have been weird since they kissed. And though it's true that it was as he put it, 'amazing' that didn't mean that the world stopped turning, or that she was going to run out and break a perfectly decent man's heart.

She loves Josh. Things aren't perfect but love is work. It's not some magic feeling. She's practical, she doesn't believe in magic. A strong relationship is built on honesty, and effort. It's about choosing to keep loving, everyday. It's about compromise and accepting. And maybe that isn't a romantic notion, but it's what she knows and trusts.

And she loves Castle. But it's not the same, it never has been, and it never will be. Castle is not the man she chose to build a life with, he's the man she shares her life with. Her bond with Castle means just as much to her as her bond with Josh does, but it's still different. She thought he understood that. Yes, some days she wishes things were different. Yes, sometimes she can almost image what it would be like if they were.

But they aren't.

That isn't what he chose and it isn't what she chose.

She just wishes that that voice in the back of her head telling her that it was all futile would go away. She wishes that she could believe with everything in her, that things would work out with her and Josh. There is doubt where there wasn't any before. And maybe she feels that doubt because she knows it won't work out, but that doesn't mean she gives up trying.

She doesn't have any other option left to her.

It's hard enough not to wonder what would have happened had she never met Josh. Had Castle never left and gone with his ex to the Hamptons. Had he turned around and listened to what she couldn't say.

But that train has passed. Those are missed opportunities that can never be reclaimed. It does neither of them any good to wonder on it.

Her differences with Josh are not things that they can't overcome. Her life with Josh is not something to just throw away. What she could never say to Castle, she has no problem saying to Josh. And that has to mean something.

She tells herself that Castle will be alright. He has family to go to. A mother and daughter who love him and will see that he's taken care of. Even though everything in her wants to run to him and make sure. She worries about him like a mother hen. Wants to protect him and keep him from hurt. But she knows there is a line she can't cross. What he needs now he can't get from her.

For the first time since she's known him, Josh's arms are not as comforting as they should be. His whispered words don't soothe her anxious soul, but she clings to him anyway. It's not his fault, it's hers. She knows that if she just gives it time, he will make her forget the whole thing.

Still she doesn't forget that she almost died. Can't forget that in those last moments, the only person who mattered was by her side. If she had to die, she was not sorry that it was with Rick. Somehow that seemed right. But if she's going to live, she has to be with the man she chose.

She has no regrets about what happened, even if she can't quite recall it all. (There are moments in that freezer, for example, where she was so numb with cold she didn't know what was going on.) But there is also no other way she could have done things. The ending is still not as satisfying though, and she can't figure out why. Why standing in Josh's embrace as her partner walks away feels so... off.

She sighs and brushes it off. When the adrenaline runs down, when life returns to normal, that's when she will figure it out. She doesn't doubt that this is just a by product of the mess. Decisions made in these kind of situations can't be trusted. Which is why she still isn't sure about Josh either.

But it's better not to rock the boat until she has some time to rest and recover. So she lets Josh take her home and hopes that Castle makes it to the Hamptons to be with his family.

What she refuses to forget, even when everything returns to normal, is that despite everything Rick Castle did something different this time. He stayed.

In the end, that means just as much to her as Josh's return does.