Title: Standing in the Light
Author: goldenwanderer
Rating: PG-13/T
Warnings: Child abuse, sexual references, angst, slight book spoilers, AU at the end
Summary: A collection of songs and short fics chronicling the life of Kahlan Amnell.
Notes: This fic is based off of my second fanmix, Standing in the Light, which was featured at Kahlan Night on the Confessor and Seeker Society forum, and which can also be found at my Livejournal (username: goldenwanderer, links can be found in my profile). As I have said in many places, this is a massive freaking thing. There are 50 songs here, with a short fic for each. It is divided up into four parts (four chapters here on ). To see the cover art and download the .mp3s, visit my livejournal or the CSS.
The ficlets are mostly in chronological order (though the first ficlet isn't necessarily in the timeline). They are based off of the Legend of the Seeker TV show. Please keep this in mind, book fans. I am using the backstory given to Kahlan in the TV series, not as in the books. (And for those of you who plan to comment on my failure to stick to book plot, I have read books 1-3, and am currently working on the rest.) However, the fourth from the last ficlet contains spoilers for the end of the first book (though not exceptionally explicit spoilers). At the end of the mix, I have not followed any particular canon (so it is basically AU at the end).
I hope you will be satisfied with my own individual interpretation of Kahlan's character. I did a lot of work on this, and I hope you enjoy it. Thank you.
Standing in the Light, a Kahlan Amnell Fanmix
Part One
Last of the Wilds – Nightwish
Instrumental
A woman in white stands upon the balcony of the highest tower in Aydindril. She gazes down at the city below, then raises her eyes to gaze upon the world beyond Aydindril, to all the Midlands. From here, she can see very far, though she knows that much still lies beyond her sight. She sighs, half wishing she could see all the world from here.
"Mother Confessor?"
A voice from behind her startles her. See all the world? She nearly laughs at her own thoughts. I can hardly see what comes in through my own door. "What is it?" she asks.
"Your supper is ready, Mother Confessor," says the serving woman. "When you're ready."
She does not need to turn around to know that the serving woman is leaving. The door shuts slowly, quietly, but she takes no more notice of it than she did the announcement that her supper is ready. She gazes out at the world once again. It seems all she ever does is gaze.
"I suppose I will go eat, then," she tells herself. But she does not move right away. She wishes again, absently, that she could see all the world from her windowsill. Perhaps then she would be able to do what needed to be done to protect her people.
She chides herself internally. There is more to knowing than seeing, she thinks, repeating an old phrase that her mother used to say to her. I doubt that all the seeing in the world would help me much at all.
She moves away from the window at last, turning to mind to significantly less important, but much less troubling matters, such as what would be on her plate this evening.
Now Three – Vienna Teng
Strangest beauty cries,
One and one, by and by,
Now three of us here lie.
Love, love, love for one so small,
Come fill me up, up, up 'til I can't see at all.
I want to be blind, only my heart to guide me.
Gather all the world inside me.
Kahlan darts past her father without sparing a second glance for him. Her eyes are only for her mother and the thing resting in her lap. With a cry, Kahlan leaps up onto the bed beside her mother.
"Kahlan, be careful! Your sister is sleeping!" Alana Amnell whispers sharply to her two-year-old daughter.
"Sorry, Mommy," Kahlan says. "She my sister?" she adds, pointing to the baby on Alana's lap.
"Yes, dear one," says Alana. "This is Dennee, your baby sister? Don't you remember her? She came only a few days ago."
Kahlan nods. She leans in closer, careful not to touch her mother or the baby. Mommy has said she can't hurt her or Father or Dennee, but Kahlan doesn't want to touch them anyway. Sometimes when she touches people, something happens that makes her shake and fall over. It's very scary.
But she isn't thinking about that now; she is too busy looking at the baby. She has a tiny bit of blonde hair, like Mommy. Kahlan has dark brown hair, like Father. Kahlan has always liked blonde hair. She wishes she could have it too, so she could be just like Mommy.
For a moment, Kahlan forgets her fear of touching people, just long enough for her to lean in to give her sister a small kiss. "That was very nice, Kahlan," says Alana when she's finished.
Kahlan smiles up at her. "I love my sister," she says, in the longest sentence she has ever spoken before. She likes it here, with Mommy and Dennee. It's perfect.
Imaginary (Origin Version) – Evanescence
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light
Even when she's very, very sad, or very, very frightened, Kahlan refuses to leave her room to climb into bed with Dennee. (It wouldn't have bothered her to climb into bed with Mommy, but she doesn't like to think about that – it only makes her even more sad and more frightened.) She is five years old after all – much too big to crawl into bed with her younger sister.
But she is always very glad when Dennee climbs in bed beside her. Then Kahlan can hold her close without feeling too silly. It always makes Kahlan feel better when Dennee is beside her.
Tonight, Dennee's face is red and blotchy when she comes in; she must have been crying again. Kahlan wipes her eyes before Dennee can see her properly. She won't let Dennee see that she was crying. She does nearly every night, but Dennee doesn't need to know. Kahlan is the big sister, and Mommy always said Dennee looked up to her. And now that Mommy's gone, Kahlan has to take care of Dennee.
"Kahlan," Dennee sobs, scrambling under the covers of Kahlan's bed. "Kahlan," she says again, her voice cracked from crying.
Kahlan wishes she could tell Dennee that everything is all right. But she is a Confessor, and Mommy always said that Confessors don't tell lies – they get rid of them. Another tear falls unbidden down's Kahlan's cheek as she reaches to hug Dennee to her. She tries to blink it back, but it falls anyway, and she has no hands to wipe it away.
She struggles to find something to say to comfort her sister, but she can't think of anything. Finally, Kahlan whispers the only truthful thing she can think of: "You're safe now, Dennee. You're safe with me."
The tears start falling again; she doesn't try to stop them this time.
Watch Over Me – Bernard Fanning
So say you'll watch over me
When I'm in too deep
Tell me you'll always be
There to pull me free
There to rescue me
Mother always told her that she must never lie. Kahlan doesn't like to lie. She especially doesn't like the idea of lying to Dennee.
Of all the lies Kahlan will ever tell, only one other will hurt as much as this one.
But it is necessary. She can't let Dennee touch their father with her power. He may be one of the most horrible people in the world, but he is still their father. And Kahlan does not believe that she could live with herself if either she or Dennee put the man under Confessor control, again.
So as painful as it is, she lies to Dennee. She tells Dennee that if she ever touches Father with her power, she will leave and never come back. She would never do that to Dennee, of course, but she won't let Dennee hurt him. Dennee's tears at the thought of her sister leaving pierce Kahlan's heart. It is right at that moment that Kahlan determines just how much she hates lies.
Dennee is angry with Kahlan for a while after Kahlan's promise. She cannot understand why her sister would get so upset over the idea of using the Confessor power on their father. After all, he was under that power all of their lives. Why should it bother Kahlan so much to think of him under the power again?
But after a while, Dennee realizes how scared she is of Kahlan leaving. She clings to her sister for days, as though to make sure she can't get up and walk away.
One night, Dennee swears to Kahlan that she won't ever touch Father with her power. But she makes Kahlan swear that if Dennee behaves, Kahlan will always stay by her side. "Don't leave me," she whispers to Kahlan. "Please don't ever leave me."
Kahlan wishes so dearly to tell Dennee that she will never leave her, no matter what. But she can't, not now. "As long as you don't hurt Father," she whispers, her heart breaking as she says it. Her love for Dennee is not conditional, but there is no way to communicate that without nullifying her promise. "I love you, Dennee."
"Forever and always?" Dennee asks, looking up into Kahlan's eyes.
"Always and forever," Kahlan answers. That is the truth, and she hopes Dennee never forgets it.
Desperate – David Archuleta
You're reachin' out,
And no one hears your cry.
You're freakin' out again
'Cause all your fears remind you.
Another dream has come undone.
You feel so small and lost
Like you're the only one.
You wanna scream,
'Cause you're desperate
"No! I won't do it!" Kahlan never used to shout, but it seems like it's all she does anymore.
"What did you say?" asks her father, stepping toward her, a menacing look on his face. When Kahlan doesn't answer right away, he takes another step toward her. "Well?"
"I won't do it," says Kahlan. Her voice doesn't sound nearly as confident as she wishes it were.
Her father walks toward her until he is only an inch or so from her face. Out of the corner of her eye, Kahlan can see Dennee cowering in the corner of the room, her face filled with fear. "Do you want to say that to me again, girl?" demands their father, his eyes focused on Kahlan's.
Kahlan summons up all of her courage and puts on her bravest face. "He hasn't done anything wrong. Confessors don't touch people who haven't done anything wrong, unless they're trying to kill us." She knows that her father isn't going to listen, but she has to try.
A firm backhand swing across her face knocks Kahlan to the ground. She forces herself to keep her hands away from the place where her father's hand made contact with her cheek. Father steps forward and pulls Kahlan violently onto her feet. "You'll do as I say, or you'll regret it, girl."
Kahlan hears Dennee's soft cries from the corner, but she doesn't let herself cry. "I won't," she says again, staring right into her father's face.
She struggles only a little as her father pulls a rope from his pocket and begins to bind her hands with it. The rope digs into her hands, but that isn't what makes it most uncomfortable. A Confessor's greatest protection is her ability to reach out and touch someone. Kahlan knows the power can work through any part of her body, but to have her hands bound feels like she is being left without any protection at all.
But she is careful to restrain her power as her father binds her hands. She looks over to Dennee, who has begun to move away from the corner. She shakes her head, warning Dennee not to come closer, as though reminding her of what she has promised will happen if Dennee touches Father with her power.
When he has finished with the rope, he hits Kahlan again, sending her to the floor again. "You will do as I say," he says. "And don't you try to untie her, or it'll be the same for you," he adds, turning to Dennee. Then he walks away, leaving the two sisters alone in the room, helpless and afraid.
Give Unto Me – Evanescence
All I want from you is your hurting
I want to heal you
I want to save you from the dark
Give unto me your troubles
I'll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I'll drink your deadly poison
When she stumbles, weary, into the room, Dennee is surprised to see that Kahlan has not moved. Her hands are still bound, as they were when she left, and Dennee can see the red marks left behind from her father's hands. Kahlan is lying in exactly the same position that she had been in when Dennee left. Quickly, summoning all of her strength, Dennee rushes over to her sister. She shakes Kahlan awake, whispering her name over and over. She doesn't bother to unbind Kahlan's hands, knowing it will do no good.
"Kahlan, are you all right?" she asks as her sister's eyes begin to open at last.
It takes Kahlan's eyes a moment to adjust and come to rest on Dennee's face. "Dennee?" she mutters. She tries to move, but is unsuccessful. Dennee has never seen Kahlan in such pain before.
"I'm here, Kahlan," says Dennee, vaguely aware of how strange it sounds for her to be comforting Kahlan, rather than the other way around. "Are you all right?"
Kahlan doesn't answer the question. She never answers when Dennee asks her how she is doing. "Did you do it?" she asks instead.
Dennee nods. "Of course," she says. They always end up doing what Father asks, in the end.
"I'm sorry," Kahlan whispers. "I meant to do it; I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize," says Dennee. "You don't have to do everything."
Kahlan shakes her head. "I don't want you to have to do any of it. You don't deserve it."
"And you do?" Dennee has heard Kahlan speaking this way before. She has grown quite tired of hearing it.
Kahlan doesn't answer that either. "I'll try harder next time. You shouldn't have to worry about doing it."
"You will not try harder next time," Dennee tells her firmly. "Just look what trying got you this time." Father has been hitting them for years, but this was the worst Dennee has ever seen. "I know you're pretending it doesn't matter, that it doesn't hurt at all. But it does matter, Kahlan. I know you don't want me confessing people when I don't have to, but I'd rather do that then see you hurt like this again."
"But I want to keep you from having to confess innocent people," says Kahlan. "I know how painful it is. I'd rather do it and spare you the trouble."
"You've told me that a thousand times," says Dennee. "But you have to let me do it once in a while or you'll only cause yourself more trouble."
Kahlan sighs. Dennee knows that she hasn't won the battle. She knows Kahlan will never give up trying to take Dennee's burdens from her. But at the very least, she's given up arguing for now.
In The Light – Full Blown Rose
Winter winds have gone and faded
I told the skies of thoughts of gray
Tears upon my pillow laying
A child lost to pain
I pray for better days
Lift me up
Lead me from this place
Let your love be mercy on my face
Rising up, I changed before your eyes
Out of darkness, standing in the light
She lies on the cold, hard floor. She is weary. She is broken.
The sounds of her sister's breathing nearby provide something to hold on to. She dare not sleep, for fear that she will not wake again. She would not mind never waking again, if it would free her from this place. But her sister needs her. And so she must remain.
She rises slowly from the ground. She moves silently to the small window. It is dark outside. The world sleeps, unknowing that a child waits in the silence. She cannot see very far, and the stars have hidden themselves from her view.
She always holds it all in, all her sadness, all her anger, all her fear, all her pain. But tonight she can hold it no longer. She does not scream, for that would wake her sister. But the tears begin to fall freely down her face, covering the red marks where her father's hands have been.
She mutters a single word – why. Nothing is there to answer her. And so the tears continue to fall.
She thinks longingly of her mother, whose death seems little more than an ancient memory, clouded by time. She knows that Mother would never have let this happen to them. She does not want to blame Mother for their trouble, but the thought crosses her mind anyway.
She does not know whether her mother can hear her, but she does not dare speak louder than a whisper, or else wake her sister. She quietly cries out for help, for salvation. She cannot bear to be here any longer.
For above all, she longs to be finally free.
Tangled – Maroon 5
There is nothing left to say to you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful
The other Confessors tell Kahlan and Dennee that their father will be punished for his actions. He has committed crimes, not only against children, but against Confessors, and he must pay for what he has done. They will not tell Kahlan and Dennee what will happen to him. They seem to want Kahlan and Dennee to be protected.
But Kahlan doesn't believe she deserves it. If anything, she ought to be punished as much as Father. She, too, has committed great wrongs. She does not deserve to be protected.
They only stay in Aydindril for a few days, while everything is sorted out. Or really, while the Confessors pull every last detail about the past six years out of Kahlan and Dennee. They want to know everything that happened, exactly as it happened. Speaking about it only reminds Kahlan of what she has done, and makes her feel even worse. In one sense, she is free at last, free from her father's grasp. But her heart is bound in chains of shame and guilt.
At last, when the other Confessors have learned all there is to know, the Mother Confessor – Serena, who became Mother Confessor after the death of Kahlan and Dennee's mother – decides that the girls must be taken to Thandor for the time being. In time, she says, they will return to Aydindril to learn to be proper Confessors, but they have been through a terrible ordeal, and there is no one better to help them heal than the Sisters of Light.
Kahlan goes with Dennee to Thandor, but only because the Mother Confessor said it must be so, and because it will be good for Dennee. Kahlan does not know much about the Sisters of Light, but from what she has been told, they can help Dennee recover from this trying time.
She does not take the time to consider that they could also help her. She isn't worthy of that.
Lift – Shannon Noll
I know you're hurting
Feels like you're learning
'Bout life the hard way
And it ain't working
Seems like forever
That you've been falling
It's time to move on
Your life is calling, yeah
"Kahlan?"
Startled, Kahlan looks up to see who has spoken. She returns to reading her book when she sees that it is just one of the Sisters of Light. Of all the Sisters of Light, Dalia has paid the most attention to Kahlan since her arrival, and in Kahlan's mind, is one of the kindest people she has ever known. But she does not feel like talking to Dalia today.
"Kahlan, dear?" asks Dalia, coming closer to stand next to Kahlan. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine," says Kahlan, not looking up from her book. But she knows Dalia won't believe her. Kahlan knows a thing or two about lying, and avoiding someone's gaze is a sure way to show them that you're lying.
But Dalia does not say anything against it. Instead, she sits down on the bench beside Kahlan. For a little while, she does not say anything at all. Kahlan watches her out of the corner of her eye, and all Dalia does is sit and stare out at the fields that make up part of Thandor.
"Kahlan, is something troubling you?" Dalia asks after a while, speaking quietly. When Kahlan looks up again, Dalia is watching her intently.
She does not answer right away, but Dalia's gaze always makes her feel guilty if she doesn't respond truthfully. "I suppose," she says. "But I don't know what, exactly."
Dalia smiles. "There's nothing wrong with not knowing exactly what bothers us," she says. "Sometimes, we do know what's bothering us, but sometimes, we're just troubled, for no reason that we can understand."
Kahlan nods. As she looks at Dalia, she is comforted by the woman's smile, and just by her presence. Hesitantly, she asks, "Dalia, do you mind staying with me for a little while? I know you've got other duties to attend to…"
"I would love to stay with you, Kahlan," Dalia interrupts. "For as long as you want me."
This time, it is Kahlan's turn to smile.
Problem Girl – Rob Thomas
Don't let 'em get where they're going to
You know they're only what they think of you
You heard of this emotional trickery
And you felt like you were learning the ropes
But where you're going now you don't know
When they all make you feel
Like you're a problem girl
Remember
You're no problem at all
The Sisters of Light treat Kahlan and Dennee with respect, care, and compassion. They know just what to say to the two of them to make them feel at home, and to give them the support they need to recover from what their father did to them. In fact, in Kahlan's mind, the Sisters of Light have become more than parents to her and to Dennee.
Only one problem still exists: she and Dennee are not the only children in Thandor, but they might as well be for all that the other children try to associate with them.
Kahlan cannot say she blames the other children. It is one thing for the Sisters of Light to care for two young Confessors who have been mistreated; they understand that the girls can control their power, and they are willing to look past that to see the people behind the power. But the other children only see Confessors when they look at Kahlan and Dennee. Each of the other children has some other gift that sets them apart, but the other children were not raised to fear those strange magical gifts. They were raised to fear Confessors, and Kahlan sees it evidenced every day.
One day, she tries to talk to a boy who is sitting by himself while the other children play a game. He looks lonely, and she doesn't like it when people feel alone – she knows that feeling all too well. But the moment she approaches, the boy gets up and moves away. He hurries to join the game. But the children will not let Kahlan join as well; they don't want a Confessor getting too close to them. She might get upset and hurt someone.
For a while, this bothers Kahlan more than it should, and she knows it bothers Dennee as well. But as time goes on, it begins to bother her less and less, as she begins to understand that this is the life for which she, as a Confessor, is destined. Confessors are friends with Confessors, and only with Confessors. She was born for a higher purpose than many of these children – to seek out and preserve truth and justice – but at the cost of losing so many things normal people take for granted.
After a while, she ignores the other children's treatment of her and her sister. They can act however they like. She will keep her head up as much as possible, no matter what the others think of her.
My Little Phoenix – Tarja Turunen
Gracefully she's circling higher.
She has the wind beneath her wings
and looks down on us
She said:
"Robbed of my innocence, had no more time to play.
I sure got my feathers burned, but I'm stronger than the flames"
Here she comes
rose again from the flames
my little Phoenix
"It's an honor to have you here, Confessor," says Dalia, bowing slightly to the woman who has only just arrived at Thandor. "May I ask why we have the pleasure of welcoming you here today?"
The Confessor nods. "The Mother Confessor sent me," she says. "By our records, the Amnell sisters have been here for five years now, and if they are ready, she would like them to return to Aydindril. It is time for them to learn to be proper Confessors."
"Of course," says Dalia. "Would you like to see the girls?" The Confessor can only know if the girls are ready if she has met them face to face.
The Confessor nods again. "Take me to them," she says.
She follows Dalia through Thandor, all the way to the small home where Kahlan and Dennee Amnell have been staying for the past five years. It isn't much, but none of the children's homes are particularly grandiose. The Sisters of Light prefer the children to live simply, just as they do, and the children seem to enjoy it just fine.
Inside, Dalia immediately finds Kahlan sitting at the table, reading a book. The girl looks up as the Sister of Light and the Confessor enter. No longer a child, but a young woman of sixteen, Kahlan has become very beautiful, though she would never admit it to anyone. Upon seeing the visitors, Kahlan shuts her book and stands, only slightly wary. Despite her best efforts, Dalia has not been able to get Kahlan to be very trusting most of the time. She expects that once she has become a Confessor again, this will only get worse.
"Confessor, this is Kahlan Amnell," says Dalia, beginning introductions. "Kahlan, this is Confessor Marta. She has come to see you and Dennee."
"It is an honor to meet you, Confessor," says Kahlan. "Should I go fetch my sister? I think she's outside somewhere." She addresses this more to Dalia than to Confessor Marta.
"Yes, please do," says Dalia, and without another word, Kahlan moves past them and out the door. For a moment, silence follows her departure.
"She seems like a healthy child," Confessor Marta says at last. "Has she become emotionally stable since she arrived? I heard about what happened to her as a child," she adds after a moment.
Dalia nods. "I believe so," she says. "She still has a ways to go yet, but she has grown a great deal these past five years. She survived things that no other child should have to face, and she's come out of it with strength and grace."
"Excellent," says Confessor Marta. "If she's anything like her mother, she'll make an excellent Confessor." Dalia did not know Kahlan's mother, but she imagines that what Confessor Marta says is correct. Kahlan will make an excellent Confessor.
She only hopes that Kahlan will make an excellent human being, as well.