Not Meant for You
This place was not meant for you. The words echo through my mind, resounding in my ears, confirmed through my working senses. Treachery - that's what this world has to offer. And they call our eternal residence Hell.
What was my point in coming here in the first place? I would have been much happier had I stayed at home. It is too threatening here. On this soil, I have been reduced to nothing but a shadow, a mere spectral shade. Wasn't I more than that before? Certainly I was a solid being before I came here; I certainly felt solid enough. But now I am such a vapor that the very air closing in around me brings me discomfort.
I've heard that some other shade-friends of mine have met up with old friends or relatives of theirs here. There has been talk of attempts at conversion, persuasions to stay, ridiculous talk of giving up one's rights, one's being, the very essence of oneself to obtain a solid body and come to know the One who embodies all Love, all Peace, all Joy, or whatever else you like. All you must do is give up yourself and journey into the mountains.
And now I ask, what kind of a God is that? What kind of God would take away a being's rights, a being's essential self, in exchange for living in this deadly country, where the blades of grass weigh more than the very bus I traveled on to get here? What kind of sadistic, self-absorbed God would do that? Isn't this the very God who promised freedom for all who would believe? I fail to see how giving up your very self could buy you freedom.
This place was not meant for you. I still hear the foreboding words. Why the invitation, then? I don't understand this place or those who live here. They are quick to want to change us, but who determined that any of us needed changing? I've gotten by fine on my own just as I am for countless years, both on Earth and in the Grey Town with its eternal hope of morning. I've survived on my wits. Besides, I've always believed that man is inherently good and that every path we choose, as long as it is moral, will lead us to Heaven, or some utopian afterlife. And isn't that what I have gained after all? I have a whole block all to myself in that Grey Town; I have solitude. I have unlimited time by myself. That's all I ever wanted in life, to be left alone. Well, I am certainly alone now. And I'd rather not be disturbed any further.
Those mountains in the distance do hold a certain appeal; something about the way the light hits them causes me to wonder what truly lies beyond their impenetrable peaks. Real light is nice for a change, an escape from the all-encompassing grey of home. And real acceptance? A love purer than I've ever experienced before? But it all sounds too good to be true. And hearkening to the old adage, it must be. I'd rather not be taken for a fool in this life as I almost was in the past one. Too much hope rests on this reality to let it all crash down in disappointment. That would be a disappointment too great to recover from, and then I would be even more unhappy in that Grey Town than I am already. Not that I really was unhappy to begin with. Not until I came here, anyway.
So, this place was not meant for me? I'll leave it, then. I'd rather keep myself, my pride, and my great wits, thank you. If this place was not meant for me, then I was never meant for it. What a cruel joke. And they call this Heaven.