Part of Me
July 1
It's a hot summer day. I'm sitting at the window sill as I write this, staring at the dark star shown sky. I find myself thinking of you again. Pretending in my mind that I was with you at this very moment, doing this same thing as you hold me in your arms and telling me I'm beautiful.
But you're not. You aren't even mine to begin with. It's improper for me to even be with you. Who would approve besides myself? You could only be with me if you wanted. But you don't see me the way I see you. In so many ways I wish you could.
If we were to be together, do we hide it or display it? Would we runaway just to be together or let the world know regardless?
I wouldn't care. I want to be indulged in your love. I want you to show it to me like you show it to your girlfriend. Whenever I see you with her or I see other couples I wonder... "What would it take, to be in those arms? To hear those words? To feel the love inside?" My heart burns to know it's almost impossible for it to be.
Maybe I'll just keep these dreams to myself and continue to watch you from a distance.
July 20th
It's late in the evening. I had just gotten home from spending a late night with him again. For the passed three nights I've been at his house with him. We do nothing but talk and watch rentals.
But I can't help but feel like there should be more there. It's nothing but mutual to him. When I lay my head on his lap while we watch, I can't help but feel like I'm missing something.
He only sees us as platonic. He tells his girlfriend he hangs out with me and knows there's nothing between us, from his point of view at least. At night he calls me over. He tells me about his day, his thoughts, his troubles, just about everything. Shouldn't he be telling these things to her? I'm just the second opinion because I have a "girl's point of view".
He's so near... yet so far. Far for me to touch him. How I keep all my emotions bottled up like this is unbearable. My heart feels wonderful when I hear him, see him, touch him, but in painful blows, my heart aches for him because I know, he doesn't share this with me.