Re[Member]
– Are you aware that it's weird to watch people while they're sleeping? – Remus Lupin says without opening his eyes. It isn't necessary, the smell of cigarettes is everywhere. Who else could it be?
– You aren't sleeping, Moony – answers a slow voice from in front of him.
Sirius Black is sitting on his trunk, frowning and smoking. His black hair falls with elegance like always. His eyes are fixed on the pale Remus Lupin right across the room. He sits up, and now that the blanket isn't covering him, it can be seen; a body too thin, furrowed with lines like a map, some of them dark brownish scars, others old or new wounds in different shades of red. Remus is a yellowed map, old parchment skinned, light sand haired, honey eyed. Only the merciless lines crossing him all over prevent him from becoming a pure yellow.
Sirius looks at him angrily and Remus laughs, knowing that such action will annoy him more, but even if he wanted to, he probably couldn't avoid it. With blood injected eyes, messy hair, uneven breathing, and dry blood attached to his skin, Remus smiles.
– Where is James? – he asks, Sirius raises an eyebrow with an ironic gesture and Remus understands that obviously he's training, just like every Saturday. – and Peter?
– Extra classes. I think he has a few of those today – he answers with a bit of disdain – Do you do it on purpose? Laugh like an idiot?
– You don't change Padfoot, pissed off like a 13 year old boy.
– Because you're still a fucking lunatic.
– In the most literal way, right?
Remus can see exactly how the memory somewhat depletes the boy's anger. Sirius growls in frustration, walks slowly and sits on the border of the bed with his back towards the other.
– What an idiot, Rem, you still remember that.
Remus smiles openly but Sirius can't see him. They are now 17 years old, they are adults finishing their last year in Hogwarts. They are thinking of new places to live, and not only what to do this summer but for the rest of their lives. Nevertheless, sometimes they are 13 years old. Of course Remus remembers.
It's been four years since that, since they were in third. James and Sirius were sitting in the library doing something distinctly unusual: being silent. Remus had felt a little unwell so he had said he'd get there later, and he did. But as soon as he had sat down, Sirius practically jumped out of his chair and ducked behind some shelfs. James frowned, confused, and Remus sighed slightly. Sirius had been acting very strange around him the last few weeks.
The last full moon had been especially difficult for him. Mercury was retrograde and Jupiter was quite too close; those kinds of things could affect the transfiguration. When he woke up at the nursery the next day, covered with bandages and truly hurt; Sirius was in front of him, holding the bed frame so tight that it seemed he wanted to break it into two pieces with his bare hands. His hair was messy and his clothes dirty, very unusual. "Can you remember? Can you remember what happened last night?" he asked in a guttural whisper. Remus answered with honesty but without self-pity, "Every second" he said. Sirius looked at him with so much rage that for few seconds Remus felt fear, then he left, smashing the door the hardest he could. Ever since then, Sirius had been avoiding him in every way humanly possible. Remus stood up and followed him. Sirius wasn't even pretending to be searching for a book.
– Damn, just say it. Tell me, it bothers you.
– It bothers me that you're a werewolf – Sirius said with a voice that seemed to be breaking his throat in the effort he was making not to shout the answer – It really pisses me off.
Remus knew it, and because he knew it, he foolishly thought he was ready to hear it. He believed it was going to be like a hammer smashing his head, a violent punch, and he was used to and prepared for that kind of violence. But it wasn't like that at all, it was more like being on a boat in the open sea, and there suddenly being a hole in the wood, all the water getting in, and he not even trying to fix it because there's no hope. He feels his shoes getting wet, he can see everything sinking. It was just a matter of time.
– When we went to Hogsmeade, there were some women talking, you know. About the horrifying sounds that come out of an abandoned house. They had begun to call it the shrieking shack. They think it's possessed by dangerous and violent spirits. I asked them if they heard that all the time and they said no; but when it happens it's awful. To be honest, it was about once a month, they said. Don't you think that's funny, Remus? I do, in a very unfunny way, though. Do you know what did I do last full moon? I went to Hogsmeade, I just had to hear it myself. There are ways to get there, there are always ways. Never have I FUCKING E-VER listened something as disgusting as that shit. I'm a Black, believe me, I have heard and seen things I don't want to remember, but nothing like that. I couldn't stop shaking, I couldn't believe that was you.
Remus felt the water not only in his shoes, but all over. There was no boat anymore, it was quickly devoured by the sea. The only thing left was himself, drowning in salty water. There was no getting away, this wave had to come. Nobody saves monsters from shipwrecking.
– Sirius, I'm sorry..
– What the fuck are you apologizing for? Do you know what was I thinking while I was coming back? He probably can't remember. It must be like being drunk. The next day you feel like shit but you actually can't fucking remember what happened. So I went to the nursery to ask you, I had to know. "Every second." That was your answer. You can remember every fucking second. Holy shit, those must be some really long seconds. I felt they lasted forever, from fucking outside. So, yeah, I'm really pissed off. God damn it, it kills me to think about it. Why aren't you? Why aren't you pissed of with that son of a bitch that bit you? How the fuck it doesn't bother you that you have to go through that fucking nightmare every month in that shit hole? When you remember, when you think of those nights; how is it even possible that you don't hate the whole world?
Remus made a funny noise that could be laughter as easily as crying. The tide that was drowning him brought him to shore. He's was on mainland and couldn't believe it. Sirius wasn't disgusted, he was indignant and Remus could understand because for so long he had been so mad and indignant himself at carrying a burden that neither him nor anybody deserves. So he laughed, because there is at least one person in the world who understood what it felt like. He just laughed, because damn it, after all this time drifting away and even soaked wet to the very bones; he's now standing on mainland.
– Because it's just one night, Sirius. The rest of the time I'm normal, and have everything that normal people have.
Sirius growled in frustration and then kissed him. His hands were shaking in anger, the skin was still burning. He bit him, like he wanted to provoke him, to make a last useless effort in annoying him. Sirius wanted to make him feel the maddening intensity he was experiencing; which was foolish because Remus had felt it all his life long. Sirius kissed him choleric, he asphyxiated him, squished him and bit him again. He sucked him and licked him for dear life until his lips tasted like blood. It was a punishment made of skin, anger and saliva. 13 years old boys weren't supposed to know how to kiss like that, between books and with so much darkness.
– Merlin, you should take anger management classes or something – Remus said finally, cleaning off the blood that kept flowing from his bottom lip, foolishly hiding a smile with his hand.
– You're a goddamn lunatic, in the most literal way – Sirius replied, and more than accusing him, he's complimenting him. – I'll think of something
And Sirius had thought of something. At first, Remus believed he wanted to think in a way to annoy him, not to fix him. One day James sat next to him and said: "I'm kind of worried about Sirius, he's been in the library for a long time, I think something is wrong." Remus smiled and answered, "The dumbass went to Hogsmeade last full moon to know why they call the shrieking shack that, and well... he found out. Now he thinks that if he reads enough he'll fix me or something." He said this calmly, but he could feel his blood pumping faster. James carefully listened to him while jealousy and annoyance bubbled up in his expression. How didn't he think about that? And how the fuck did Sirius think he could "fix Remus or something" on his own? Nevertheless, James merely answered, "I see," took his bag, and left to the library, mumbling his mischievous thoughts.
And what a fuss he had made once he got there. Obviously, nobody understood what was the matter. "You can't let me out of this, you great ass hole. I was the one who found out, it was me!" he shouted in the middle of the library. James was never good at concealing emotions and Sirius was still mad about an unsuccessful search. It only took seconds before they were both rolling on the floor, fighting with their fists, like muggles. They caused the biggest mess seen in the library since Peeves charmed books to eat the students homework.
Madam Pince was furious. "You seem animals, animals I'm telling you. We should send you to the forest. Merlin knows that beasts mustn't be near decent people," she recriminated. The boys didn't understand the insults, for they both smiled and ran to hug her and tell her she was completely right. They danced around her and sang victory troubadour's songs. Madam Pince got so mad that she kicked them out the library for two whole months, but she thankfully forgot to give them detentions or even take points from their house.
– Merlin, what happened to you guys? – Remus asked when he saw the boys entering the room in a pathetic state. It was late night and they were both covered in bruises and had quite too little balance.
– We got it, Rem, we got the solution – Sirius said, his breath stinking of alcohol.
– Did you fight with somebody? – Remus asked completely ignoring "the solution"
– Yep, Remus, we fought each other; but don't worry, we already made peace. – James said, stupidly laughing. They were drunk.
– And then we went to Hogsmeade to celebrate; there's a lot of fun in the Hog's Head, you know. We brought you some fire whiskey but we drank it on our way back. Next time we'll buy more.
– Or you can come with us – James added – you can join us cause we like you; right, Sirius?
– Merlin's beard! You both need to bathe and go to bed – Remus said, shaking his head with disapproval.
– You see, Rem? You're like a mother to us – Sirius said, and both boys burst into an almost hysterical laughter. James stopped abruptly, invaded by nausea, and left running to the bathroom. Sirius laughed even harder before carrying on – Werewolves don't like people, but...
– Sirius, the whole castle is going to hear you!
– Werewolves don't like people, but – he stated again, whispering with an exaggerated gesture – but they like animals; don't they, Rem?
– So you have decided to behave like animals? I should let you know that when I'm a person I rather be with people.
– Exactly, we have decided to behave like animals, to BE animals in fact – Sirius said with obvious triumph.
– What?
– Animagi, we are going to be animagi. That way you'll never be alone.
– Oh, of course – Remus said with warm voice, just like you answer a three year old child who says he wants to be first Minister of Magic. – Come here, mate. Let's take you to bed,
– I don't think I'm ready for that – Sirius said laughing at his own joke – I like the way this feels, everything is spinning around, Rem, It's really fun.
– You won't find it funny tomorrow.
– I'm going to be a grim, a big black dog and James chose something pathetic like a goat, I think. Aren't you glad, Rem? We'll always be together.
– Of course I'm glad – he answered, even if this was a dumb idea of irresponsible drunk boys, Remus couldn't help but feel tickles in his stomach – I'll make sure James is all right, ok?
And now they're 17 years old, they're still irresponsible kids who often end up drunk; but they are animagi and Moony is never alone. Remus wonders how he made this. How did he achieve the transition from the biggest outcast that had ever lived to the owner of the world? There weren't any rules or limits that affected him anymore. He went from locking himself in the bathroom to cry, to venturing in the forbidden forest, marauding every corner of the castle and breaking absolutely all Hogwarts rules at least twice. Remus laughs because he hasn't been alone again, not until last night.
– Was it too bad? – Sirius asked, even though there was no need. Evidence was everywhere. Remus had open wounds all over. He was dangerously pale, his hands slightly shaking. He seemed exhausted.
– Just like old times – he said calmly, and those words sent a shiver through Sirius' spine. He growled in frustration, because he really didn't want to do that, not in front of him. – what happened?
– McGonagall caught us when we were on our way. She fucking knew we were up to something, because she kept us all night cleaning trophies. James is so pissed off, I think today's Quidditch practice should be very intense.
– I figured something like that – Remus said serenely – I think you'll be glad to know I was also very mad – he continued and Sirius turned around immediately to look at him, frowning with a questioning look. – I mean, not at first; but then – Remus carried on, and Sirius understood completely what he meant by "then" – I was furious that you guys weren't there, the most human thought I had ever had. Ṕadfoot, I could remember you.
Surprising Sirius Black wasn't an easy task, but once he was surprised he couldn't possibly hide it. His eyes grew wide and he froze for a bit. Then his expression softened and he smiled. He got closer and closer until he kissed Remus, for once, very carefully. Hands in the air because it seemed like there wasn't any place he could hold without hurting him. "I'm sorry" he sighed into his yellow mouth. He caressed him with his tongue; it tasted like tobacco and coffee, it had had that flavor for years by now. An apology made of smoke, saliva and sorrow. 17 years old men are not supposed to kiss like that, between sheets and without even holding hands. Some things do change.