Doomguy's Mind Episode 1
Author's notes: This fic was adapted from notes I wrote for a machinima series of the same name. I have yet to begin filming and won't be for some time. In case you're wondering, the Italics represent Doomguy's speech. Hope you enjoy this as much as I have writing it.
Out of the blue, he arrived on Mars. He had no idea why he allowed himself to be here, and the only thing on his mind at that moment was the unstoppable urge to find someone and complain. By the time his eyes adjusted to the darkness of the hanger, most of the other passengers have gone. Now it was time for this lone marine to begin his life on the Red Planet…
Oh man, that was the worst flight EVER.
He trudged towards a flight controller, who gave him a slight look before sending him away.
Controller: Welcome to Mars, all new arrivals need to check in at reception.
Yeah, let me just say that's the LAST time I ever fly with Easy-jet. I mean, when they tell you it's chicken curry, that's not what they really meant. What they REALLY meant is that it's two pounds of 'screw you' with a side of 'up yours'. That's how the airhostess can keep smiling even though you're asking her to pretty much be your slave; because at the end of the day, they know that everything they want to say to you is hidden away in the food they serve.
By now it became obviously clear that he was talking to himself, but that's never stopped him before. So he kept going, even as he left the controller's side.
But hey, I'm not a complainer by nature or anything, but having to go through nearly forty-eight hours with no sleep whatsoever didn't really help. I guess it's because of all the coffee I ordered beforehand except that was crap too; tasted like pig wee… not that I know what that would taste like, if that's what YOU were thinking. That WAS what you were thinking, wasn't it?!
Sitting before him was a frail and sick looking man who was mumbling to himself
Passenger: I gotta get out of here…
Yeah, that's right! You don't want to cross me, pal! I know how to break a man's arm in seven different places and I'm itching to try it out! Now let's see… reception. This is the only door, so I guess this must be it… and can I just say how bloody dark this place is? I mean I thought the airports on Earth were bad but damn, if you're too cheap to have a plasma TV showing the news then at least you can install some decent lights around here. Man…
The Marine stepped into the bio scan room and waited for further instructions. On the other side of the glass, a programmer began to set up a full body scan for any pathogens.
Programmer: Hello there, marine. I'm gonna need you to stand on one of those red squares for a bio scan, this'll only take a moment.
Good, it's not like I've got anything better to do right now, and I DO have a name, you know? It's Doomguy...!
Programmer: You're gonna need to hold still, moving around is just gonna make this take longer.
What…? All I did was talk! The only moving that involves is the movement of my jaw! God, next thing I know you'll be telling me not to breathe…
Programmer: All look good, you're clear.
That's more like it. I swear, for a second there I thought this was like a concentration camp where you can't even take a leak without permission…
The doors before him unlocked and he stepped into Mars City for the first time. The first thing that greeted him was a Sentry-bot crawling towards its recharge socket.
Whoa! Shit! What the fuck is that?! I'm tempted to use the word 'robot' but that's such a lame and overrated word. I mean for some reason, it always reminds me of slow, lumbering and useless things that look like a tower of cardboard than anything mechanical. That's why those big budget films rarely call them 'robots'. Instead, they call them things like 'Machine', 'Droid', 'Drones' or 'Terminators'. Yeah those are hardcore names. I think I'm gonna name you 'Mech-Destroyer', even though I'm not entirely sure if that's your purpose. But a guy can dream.
His attention turned towards the posters and notices as he mused.
Hmm, I wonder how much it costs to live here on Mars; cus I might have to stay here for a few years by the look of things. I've got no idea if I need to even pay tax around here; I mean how would they even apply that sort of rule on a foreign planet? And what about rent; rooms here can't cost that much, especially with such crap interior decorations. Hey, there's an idea; I should save as much money as possible and buy a couple of rooms in this facility. They must be cheap cus a lot of the stuff here are still under development. So if I hold on to those properties I can make a lot of money. By the time the UAC finally gets everything working and Mars City actually feels like a proper city for civilians, property value would quadruple! Then I can just sit back and cash in! Man I need to find an estate agent FAST!
Finally, he walked through another set of doors to find the Administrator.
Administrator: Welcome to Mars, first time?
Yeah, don't remind me.
Administrator: You can leave your bag there; I'll have it sent to your quarters…
Umm, no. There's valuable crap in there…! Hey don't interrupt me!
Administrator: This is your PDA…
The Administrator shows him a touch-screen device that oddly looks like an Ipod Touch.
Oh wow! Is that an Ipod?! Holy shit, that's why so many people are signing up to this!
Administrator: …don't lose it.
Are you kidding me? This baby won't leave my sight for a second!
Administrator: I see here that Sergeant Kelly requests your immediate attention. Head directly to Marine Command. It's just that way. Follow the signs.
Umm, yeah, sure...!
Abruptly, the 'New Objectives' sign popped up in his vision, reminding him of his new task.
Oh go away, you annoying thing! But yeah, I'll go right now! I won't get distracted or anything! Don't you worry!
He walks away far enough so that the Administrator can no longer hear him.
Asshole, who does he think he is? He's not my superior; I only follow orders when it's given to me by someone I can't stand up to, so there's no way I'm gonna… oh wait, that order WAS given by someone I can't stand up to. Damn. But I guess he didn't say anything about checking out my awesome new Ipod. In fact, he would want me to familiarise myself with it. Now let's see…
He pulled up his PDA.
Hmm… user data, mail, video… hey where's the web browser? Where's the free apps? And the games? I can't even find an option to play music on this thing! What good is an Ipod if it can't even do that?! Damn it, I knew there was a catch! Maybe this is the Ipod business edition. And the only reason why they're handing them out to everyone for free is because Apple realised that they couldn't actually sell a portable music player if it won't even play music. That must have taken a REAL professional to figure out.
He then entered through yet another set of doors in time to overhear a heated conversation between two men he never seen before.
Hmm, wonder what they're talking about in there…
Betruger: I'm not gonna ask you again buddy, did you spill my pint?
Swann: For the last time, I'm just a fucking tourist! Can't you see my shades?
Betruger: I honestly don't care either way: my drink was fine when I left it but a second later, it was on the floor. You were the only other person here. Don't tell me that's coincidence...
Swann: I'm not your butler, pal, if you can't look after your own bloody possession then that's hardly my fault, is it?
Betruger: I'm in control here, mister, so be careful what you say. I've got more guns in this office than anywhere else in this fucking facility and all I need is an excuse.
Swann: You can't scare me. I'm more deadly than you because I'm wearing sunglasses indoors!
Betruger: So it's a fight to the death, then. If that's how you want to play it then meet me outside in an hour. Be there or be squared!
The bald, Dr Frankenstein look-a-like left.
Swann: Let's go.
The similarly bald tourist followed suit.
Man they need to lighten up!
A set of nearby lifts caught the Marine's eye.
I wonder where this goes.
He tried to open it, only to be answered by an 'Access Denied, insufficient clearance' notice.
Aw what? That's ridiculous! Are you saying that I'm not good enough to ride in you? Man this hierarchy shit belongs in the Middle Ages, not here.
Annoyed, he then tried the door next to it, which had a guard standing by.
I wonder if I can go through here...
Guard: Listen buddy, you don't have clearance through here, move along.
You too?! Man they keep talking about 'equal opportunities' for everyone but no one actually gives a shit, and you're living proof of that...
He prepared to leave, but is interrupted by a fallen panel lying in the middle of the floor.
What the...? Is that a panel? What's it doing just lying on the floor? Did it fall from the freaking ceiling? That could've killed someone! Bloody hell, if I find the maintenance guy around here, I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind.
He continued walking towards Marine HQ.
Man everything here looks either broken or about to any second; that includes the people here. There should be a sign somewhere that tells us how many days it's been since the last accident. They won't even need anyone to change it cus by the looks of things , accidents around here happens every single…
Before he could finish, he tripped on a lose floor panel.
Shit! ARGH…! Fucking hell, what is this?! This is getting from inconvenient to absolutely ridiculous! Where's the maintenance guy?!
He runs back towards the section between the Administration hub and the main hall, where he first saw a man in overalls.
Hey you! You look like one of those maintenance types, can you please explain to me what the fuck happened there?!
Maintenance guy: I can't talk now I'm very busy.
Busy?! Well clearly you're too busy doing something other than doing your job! Man I could've been carrying delicate equipments or something! I swear, whoever gave you your job is an idiot. When I come to power in this base, I'm firing you first… and maybe the interior decorator but definitely you!
Grumbling, he headed back to where he was meant to be going.
Speaking of which, just how long did they actually spent interviewing the decorator anyway? I mean look at this, it's just grey everywhere. Grey, grey, grey, grey, oh look! A slightly different shade of grey!
On his right, he notices a common room with three people.
Hey a common room! Finally, some creature comforts. What's up gangstas? ...yeah, you just keep talking amongst yourselves. Actually, this place ain't too bad. I suppose a pool table and a dart board would be more appropriate, but I can't really complain.
He notices something in the corner and walks towards it.
Hey, is that a...? It is! An arcade machine! Oh whoever set a high score here last time; you are so getting pwned...! Wait a minute, what is this?! Is this 2D?! Where's the HD graphics?! What the hell, are we still in the 1980s?! I suppose it IS a classic... ah well, might as well as get used to it. After all, I guess the board of directors didn't exactly sit down and discuss how much money they were gonna invest in terms of gaming entertainments for the marines. In fact, I bet this was donated by some kid who had so much crap already and just wanted to boast to the other kids in class. I guess I ought to give this thing a spin. Let's see...
He starts the game. A turkey appears.
So, the first boss is this turkey, huh? No problem, I'll just give it a good beating like how I solve all of my problems.
The turkey explodes after a few punches.
OH!! Look at that! It exploded! That was strangely awesome. Now let's see, where's the next boss...?
Another turkey appears.
Wait what? This is the same boss! I don't want to play him again! Let's see if I can go around him... hey none of the other buttons are working! They're all punch buttons! This SUCKS!!
End of episode
Man how the hell did this thing get Game of the Year?