Musical Nin-Chairs

I do not own Naruto. Seriously, would you want me to?

Um…hey.

For anyone who has me on an alert list and was expecting an update to Azure, I'll probably have that out…could be very soon. This…thing came to me during a very boring class, and I couldn't stop laughing to myself at the idea. Testing the idea with others made it seem better. I doubt the humor of the thought translates that well to paper, but I'm giving it a shot.

"Otanjoubi Omeditou!"

"Arigatou, everyone…" Naruto said happily. It was his thirteenth birthday, the only birthday that he had ever celebrated with so many friends…if any friends at all.

Upon the simple wooden table sat all sorts of gifts: a set of new kunai from Tenten, an autographed picture of Gai's smiling pose (for inspiration), an autographed picture of Lee's smiling pose (likewise), a set of experimental flavors of ramen from Sakura, and other wonderful (and weird) gifts.

"Here, Naruto-kun, have some Ramen!" Iruka said, offering a large bowl.

"Here, Naruto, have some birthday sake!" Tsunade said, offering a jug.

"Here Naruto, have some pussy!" A very drunk Jiraiya said, offering a Hinata.

"Dammit, pervert Sennin!" Naruto yelled, while poor Hinata could do no more than faint.

The party went on for some time, as the adults got more and more rowdy with sake and the youths got more and more awkward around each other and the drunken adults.

Sensing the mood, wasted Kakashi staggered over to Naruto.

"Hey…hey…Naruto-kun." Kakashi slurred behind his mask.

"Er, what Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked nervously.

"Everyone's getting all, like, tense. That's not good. We should have a shinobi exercise now, get everyone feeling good and sharp again, y'know? Like, a ninja game!"

Naruto nodded, somewhat hesitantly. "Well, OK. What should we play?"

Kakashi flashed a look at Gai, who instantly sobered up. Nodding, Kakashi disappeared.

"It's not just a game, Naruto-kun. It's a very difficult, very DANGEROUS shinobi training exercise. It will test your reflexes, listening skills, ability to innovate, and even your will to live!"

Naruto's eyes widened, and those near by leaned in to listen.

"What is it…?" Naruto asked breathlessly.

"It's called…" Gai dashed to the door and opened it with a flourish, revealing many wooden chairs littered about on the ground. "Musical Nin-Chairs!"

A large sweat drop formed on all assembled.

Gai smirked as Kakashi suddenly reappeared. "It is a simple game, on the surface. The players, or in this case trainees, walk about the area away from the chairs while music is played. As soon as the music stops, the players must dash to a chair and sit down. But there aren't enough chairs for everyone! Anyone who cannot sit down is out of the game!" Kakashi explained.

"Kakashi-san and I have played this twice so far, and I've beaten him BOTH times!" Lee squealed with glee at his sensei's prowess. "When it gets REALLY competitive, groups that once numbered in the hundreds will be cut to tens in two or three rounds, and sometimes more if anyone is killed in the mad rush for seats!"

The young ninja looked on, fairly disinterested. "Er, why should we play?" Shikamaru asked, cleaning his ear.

"Well, for one, it's great TRAINING!" Gai yelled, Lee simultaneously yelling "YAY TRAINING!"

Seeing as this had little effect on anyone else, Kakashi added "Also, the winner gets credit for an A rank mission, if you'd like."

The now ambitious, devious faces made Kakashi wonder if this was a good idea afterall. But, being more than a little drunk, he rationalized his misgivings with…drunken rationalization.

What'd you expect?

After a few minutes, during which time Jiraiya went to get an old music box from his things, the game began.

The little music box twinkled merrily as the young shinobi circled each other silently and menacingly.

Playing the game were Naruto, Sakura, Lee, Neji, Hinata, Tenten, Kiba with Akamaru, Shino, Shikamaru, Ino, and Chouji. For eleven ninjas were only seven chairs, guaranteeing at least a third of them would fall here and now. It would take all of their shinobi skills to pass this test.

And suddenly…the music stopped!

Before anyone could even blink, Lee had grabbed a seat. Apparently, he wasn't wearing his weights.

After that, it was an all-out shinobi melee. Tenten and Neji squared off, but in following the lack of real screen-time Tenten ever gets, Neji took a seat because nobody cared otherwise.

Hinata, mostly ignored in the battles, also took a seat.

Chouji, with his superior, er, fat-assedry (it's a word!), attempted to block his foes from a seat with his body. The tactic seemed a success as Chouji triumphantly sat down, only to leap back up howling with pain from the stinging bugs on the seat placed by Shino. Without a sound, Shino took a seat.

With only a few seats left, Naruto dashed for one close by. But unluckily for him, he found that Sakura was already heading for it.

'Damn,' he thought, 'Not close enough to out-run her. I hate to sink so low…' he thought as he created a kage-bunshin. While he continued for the chair, the kage-bunshin veered off toward the nearby forest and performed a transformation jutsu.

"Sakura!" It shouted. Sakura, intent on the chair, only briefly glanced in the direction of the voice.

But it was enough, for before her stood her love-idol, Sasuke himself…wearing only boxers.

"Sasuke" winked, and dashed into the forest.

Sakura, now blinded by lust and love, followed.

Naruto, sensing victory, cackled as he approached the chair. But just as he was going to sit in it, a sudden jolt to his side knocked him over. He looked up to find Kiba grinning in the chair, looking down on poor Naruto.

"Can't win with a fart now, can you?" Kiba asked mockingly. Naruto slumped: his dreams of becoming Hokage seemed over, for he had lost to a mere Kiba.

"Ah, don't worry, Naruto-kun. Your dreams will still come true!" Jiraiya said reassuringly to the depressed Naruto.

"R-really?" Naruto asked.

"Yep. I doubt very much that Hinata would think any less of you, and Sakura certainly CAN'T think less of you! They'll surely sleep with you!" Jiraiya said. "Becoming Hokage, however…that's impossible now."

Naruto wept.

Ino and Shikamaru took seats, unopposed.

Kakashi and Gai looked upon the remaining nins. "Hm, not bad. Eight left." Kakashi said.

"Is that the best you could do? You're too soft on them!" A voice shouted.

With the sudden shattering of a window no where nearby, the twirling form of Anko landed bloody and bedraggled on the ground.

"I'll be sure to cut their numbers in half!" she yelled.

Only stares met her.

"Anko-san…this is not a chuunin exam." Kakashi said slowly and carefully, like to a dim-witted person. "Please return to your home, and don't come out until you are SENT FOR. Also, take your pills."

"Great dynamic entry, though." Gai said cheerfully.

The group stayed silent until Anko limped slowly, and sadly, away.

"Now then," Kakashi said clearing his throat. "We reduce!"

Chairs were removed until only four were left. The seven remaining shinobi: Ino, Shikamaru, Neji, Hinata, Shino, Kiba, and Lee, paced about.

The music began…and stopped.

Again, almost before the music ended, Lee made a dash for the chairs. But he suddenly felt himself snagged, unable to move.

"Hehe, not this time sucker!"

Lee felt himself turned to face Shikamaru, who had prepared his Shadow Mimicry to reach Lee just as the music ended. "You're going somewhere else: I'm taking the chair."

Repositioning, Shikamaru maintained his control to guide himself to a chair, and Lee to a bit of Akamaru's freshly deposited crap.

Shikamaru got a chair: Lee got a stinky ass.

Neji made his way stealthily to a chair, but before he could make it was confronted by none other than Hinata!

"O-Oniisan…" Hinata stuttered, shy as ever.

"Erm, yeah?" Neji asked, sensing that something was amiss.

With a sudden lunge, Hinata opened her top and rushed Neji. "Take me brother!"

Neji fell, utterly paralyzed with horror.

The other nin felt sick to their stomachs. Naruto only cried harder.

And after a few seconds of seeming unconsciousness, Ino took her seat with a mischievous smirk.

Kiba and Shino looked at one-another.

"Two seats, two of us. Why fight?" Shino asked.

Kiba smirked. "Fair 'nuff. But next round you're gonna get it!"

They sat down, unopposed.

Silence reined: the semi-finals were heralded with the subtraction of two more chairs.

Round three began.

As they promised, Shino and Kiba immediately engaged. Kiba and Akamaru charged Shino, only to be met with a wall of bugs that crawled all over their bodies, hunting down their tenketsu. Thankfully, Akamaru's dynamic air marking was apparently poisonous to the bugs Shino wielded and, unable to properly defend, Shino fell to the Fang-over-Fang beast mimicry.

Lastly stood Ino and Shikamaru.

"So, the Ino-Shika-Chou finally confronts each other?" Ino asked cheekily.

Shikamaru smirked. "That's more true than you know, Ino-chan. Thanks, Chouji, for the shadow!"

Chouji munched happily while Ino, suddenly losing confidence, observed that she was completely enveloped in the shadow of their corpulent comrade. In mere moments Shikamaru's Shadow Bind was locked, before Ino could even attempt a skill.

Kakashi glanced at Gai, who appeared to be thinking the same thing:

Should they go to a bar or café after this?

Thus did the final round begin: Shikamaru vs. Kiba.

Only one chair remained.

The two fighters stared each other down as the music box slowly played.

And as soon as it ended, the fighters vanished in puffs of smoke.

Kiba hurled smoke bombs wildly, trying to buy some time while he retreated to a non-shadowy location, while Shikamaru took the time wasted by Kiba to figure out a strategy.

Once the courtyard was completely saturated in smoke, Kiba waited anxiously for an opening. The thick, dense smoke drifted up and away, creating a dense cloud cover.

Shikamaru smirked; Kiba had screwed up, big time.

The entire courtyard was now covered by shadow from the smoke: he needed no strategy. Just plenty of chakra.

Summoning his energies, Shikamaru used the entire shadow as an extension of his own, binding Kiba instantly.

"It's over, Kiba-san! Your pitiful attempt at strategy has failed!" Shikamaru yelled triumphantly.

But Kiba only grinned.

"YOU'RE the dumb one, Shikamaru! Akamaru, GO!"

'Shit!' Shikamaru thought, suddenly horrified that he had forgotten the dog. He turned this way and that, trying to identify the dog's trajectory.

But no attack came.

"…C'mon Akamaru!" Kiba said nervously.

All the other nins looked about, unable to spy the mutt.

"Wait…LOOK!" Lee yelled, pointing dramatically.

There, in the final seat, was Akamaru, wagging his tail and barking happily.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. 'A deal's a deal…' he thought.

Kabuto entered his master's chamber.

"Orochimaru-sama, I have news. I new genin has appeared in Konoha, one stronger than any other seen so far!"

Orochimaru quirked his head. "Is that so…? Show me your stat cards."

Kabuto pulled out his deck of cards, sorting through them until he found the particular one.

It read:

Akamaru, dog. 0 D-rank, 0 C-rank, 0 B-rank, 1 A-rank: S level genin, equivalent to A-level chuunin.

Orochimaru stared at it.

"You see this, Kabuto-kun? This…is why I hate Konoha so very, very much…"