The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has sunk into a hot tub. Just more madness from my tiny little brain while waiting for Season 10 to show up.
Krieger's Hot Tub Party
"Hello!" Krieger was in a huge hot tub. "It's a special hot tub edition of Krieger's Korner!"
"Let's get our sexy on! Whooo!" Pam whooped. She was wearing a blue bathing suit.
"I guess it's sweeps week again," Ray quipped. He was also in the hot tub with Cheryl.
"Sex sells," Cheryl nodded. "I wonder if that's why we lose our clothes like every other episode?"
"Is she talking about my show or the one that's in her head?" Krieger asked.
"Don't ask," Pam groaned.
"Any-who," Krieger waved. "Today's episode is sponsored by the Grand Tuntmore Hotel in LA! Where we are! Enjoying the penthouse suite!"
"I know we should be at work," Ray said.
"What work?" Cheryl laughed as she got a glass of champagne and sipped it.
"But since Ms. Archer is spending all her time with her son now," Ray said. "And Lana is doing something with her daughter today. And Cyril…I have no idea what Cyril is doing."
"Does anyone actually care?" Cheryl snickered.
Everyone else looked at each other. "Nah…." They said as one.
"We decided to spend a couple of days enjoying the good life at one of Cheryl's many hotels," Pam said. "Go to a Tunt Hotel! You'll have fun! We are!"
"Boy this viral advertising stuff is easy," Cheryl said.
"So are you," Ray quipped.
"Burn!" Pam pointed. "Let's dive right in! It's Fun Facts time! Start us off Krieger!"
"Did you know that Americans alone spent over forty billion on drunk shopping last year?" Krieger asked. "Good for you America! That's stimulating the economy!"
"Okay it was mostly food," Ray said. "More alcohol and cigarettes but still…"
"And shoes," Cheryl added. "Lots of people buy shoes when drunk for some reason. And cars."
"The only rule you have to remember when you're drunk," Pam said. "Is not to drive. Or hit a cop. Well technically that's two rules but the no driving one is the big one."
"Instead of driving," Ray said. "Go take a walk."
"To your local store," Cheryl added. "And shop! That's the American thing to do!"
"Remember," Krieger said. "When you're shopping while drunk instead of driving while drunk, you're helping people! Mostly online stores, cab drivers and pizza delivery guys. But that still counts!"
"Once Archer bought two time shares while drunk," Pam added.
"Okay that's another rule of what not to do while being drunk," Krieger added.
"To be fair," Ray said. "That's like a quarter percent of the time share business."
"So, the rules are when you're drunk," Krieger counted them off. "Don't drive. Don't hit a police officer. Don't buy a time share. Oh, and don't operate firearms. Or set off firecrackers. Those are all no-nos. Regular shopping is good. Just don't do the stuff on the bad list."
"And don't go swimming while drunk," Ray said. "That never ends well."
"Didn't for my cousin Darryl," Pam said. "He wanted to do a high dive at pool at this fancy hotel he was staying at. Problem was that they were cleaning the pool and it wasn't filled so…It was a nice funeral."
"I can top that," Ray said. "I had a cousin in Florida that decided to go skinny dipping one night. Bad idea."
"What's wrong with that idea?" Pam asked.
"It was at a particular pond during alligator mating season," Ray said.
"Okay that's a bad idea," Pam winced.
"On the up side my cousin's family didn't have to pay for a casket," Ray shrugged. "Put that extra money into a bait shop they opened up so…"
"Oh, I can top that," Krieger waved. "One of my interns got drunk and decided to swim with these experimental electric jellyfish I made…"
"I remember that," Pam said.
"You do?" Ray asked.
"I'm the one who had to fill out all those medical forms," Pam reminded him. "Why did you make electric jellyfish Krieger?"
"I was trying to figure out a way to end the energy crisis," Krieger explained.
"Using electric jellyfish?" Ray asked.
Krieger shrugged. "I was bored."
"I can top all of that," Cheryl waved. "My idiot brother got so drunk that he once bought a sea lab. I think we all remember how that ended! KA-BOOM!"
"Yeah I remember that," Ray growled. "I got paralyzed for months after that incident!"
"Technically that wasn't Cecil's fault," Pam corrected. "That was Archer's for playing around with the defibrator."
"And Krieger's for not rebooting me!" Ray snapped.
"Oh my God I apologized for that like a dozen times!" Krieger groaned.
"No, you didn't!" Ray snapped.
"You want your legs turned off again, Ray?" Krieger snapped. "I'll do it! I swear I will!"
"Shut up!" Cheryl snapped. "You're both forgetting what's important."
"Which is?" Ray asked.
"Me!" Cheryl shouted. "It's my turn to talk!"
"Of course," Ray groaned. "What were we thinking?"
"What are you thinking Glue-ia Roberts?" Pam asked Cheryl.
"I'm glad you asked that Pam," Cheryl said. "I've decided to help people. In particular my brother. By getting someone else to date him! Anyone else!"
"Technically that is charity work," Ray remarked.
"Okay," Cheryl held up a picture of Cecil. "I know he doesn't look like much. But he's rich so that kind of evens things out. And he's pretty easy to manipulate. Trust me on this. I made him do a lot of things he didn't want to do while we were growing up."
Ray asked. "Aren't you worried a bunch of gold-digging skanks are going to see this and answer your ad?"
"Honestly I can relate to the gold-digging skanks," Cheryl said. "I mean I've been working for Ms. Archer for years…"
"That's true," Ray admitted.
"Can't be any worse than her," Pam agreed.
"Ms. Archer is ruthless," Krieger nodded. "That's one of the things I find sexy about her."
Cheryl winced. "Eww…. Anyway, we're calling this Low Budget Bachelor! So click on that link Krieger put up for this episode. I think my brother can do better. Not much better but better."
"Speaking of relatives that can't do any better," Pam spoke up. "Guess what happened to my bitch sister Edie? She got demoted at the DMV! HA!"
"What did she do?" Ray asked. "Be nice to a customer? Make her line go fast?"
"Oh, way worse than that," Pam snickered. "She got caught eating her supervisor's lunch."
"Uh oh," Krieger quipped.
"Yeah uh, oh…" Pam snickered. "Long story short she's been demoted from teller. She now has to print all the forms they have at the DMV and clean the shredder. It's hilarious!"
"How did you find out about that?" Ray asked. "Did you call her?"
"I wouldn't call my sister if she was the only person in the world I could get a kidney from," Pam snapped.
"I would hope not," Krieger said. "Especially when I can get you a real good discount. What? I know people on the organ black market."
"I found out by checking out the gossip on my cousin Pearl's Space Book page," Pam told them. "She's one of the few relatives I can actually tolerate. Mostly because she's not a selfish ass bitch. And she hates Edie as much as I do. Especially since Edie slept with her boyfriend in high school."
"I wish I had a boyfriend in high school," Ray sighed as he got some champagne. "Okay there was that one teacher's aide but he doesn't count."
"You know who can't count?" Cheryl giggled as she drank some champagne.
"You?" Pam quipped as she got a glass of champagne.
"Burn!" Ray laughed.
Cheryl laughed and then thought for a moment. "How high are we talking about?"
"Oh, good lord," Ray snickered.
Cheryl paused. "One…Two…Three…"
"You don't have to actually count right now," Pam interrupted. "Countess Dim-ula. Who were you about to trash?"
"I can't remember," Cheryl thought. "I know it was somebody stupid."
"Well that narrows it down," Ray remarked.
"Courtney Vandergilt!" Cheryl spoke up.
"Who?" Pam did a double take.
"This girl I went to high school with," Cheryl explained. "We grew up together. Her parents and my parents went to the same parties. Our mothers were both in the women's league. Our fathers went to the same clubs and brothels. From first grade to high school we were practically inseparable! Oh my God! We did everything together."
"Was she your best friend?" Pam asked.
"Oh God no," Cheryl said. "She was as dumb as a box of hair and half of a fruitcake short of Christmas."
"So you had nothing in common?" Ray asked sarcastically.
"I'm not saying she wasn't fun," Cheryl said. "From time to time. But she had the biggest crush on my brother so…Yeah, no accounting for taste. On the other hand, she was the only girl in my clique who let me try some of her medications."
"So what happened to her?" Pam asked. "How come this is the first we've ever heard about this bitch?"
"I haven't thought about her in years," Cheryl admitted. "Just now this hot tub reminded me of her."
"A hot tub reminds you of a friend?" Krieger asked. "I gotta hear this story!"
"Either she died in a hot tub or somebody else in her family died in a hot tub," Cheryl thought. "I know there was a funeral I went to because I got out of school for it."
"Hang on," Krieger realized something. "What was your friend's name again? Courtney…?"
"Vandergilt," Cheryl spoke up. "Of the New York Vandergilts."
"Oh my God!" Krieger gasped. "I remember that trial!"
"Trial?" Ray asked. "What trial?"
"The Vandergilt Trial!" Krieger said. "It was one of the hottest murder cases New York ever saw. Especially since the victims were boiled alive in a hot tub…"
"Oh right!" Cheryl said. "She went nuts when she learned her parents were disinheriting her and leaving everything to her brothers and sister. I forget the reason why. So, she killed her parents and one of the brothers…The other brother got away and the sister was in Montreal for the weekend…"
"You were best friends with a serial killer?" Ray was stunned.
"Technically she wasn't a serial killer," Cheryl corrected. "A mass murderer yeah. She murdered five members of her own family. But not a serial killer."
"Five?" Pam asked. "I thought you said her other brother and sister weren't killed."
"They weren't," Cheryl said. "Her uncle, aunt and cousins just happened to arrive in time to see her murder her family. She shot her uncle just as he was calling the police and ran over one of the cousins when she took off in their convertible."
"Oh my God…" Ray gasped.
"Oh, don't worry," Cheryl waved. "Nobody liked the cousin she ran over and odds are he was just going to be another trust fund slacker anyway. But that's the one who's funeral we got out of school for! Now I remember!"
"I remember hearing about that trial," Krieger gasped. "That was a huge scandal."
"Yeah she's dead now," Cheryl remembered. "Died in prison."
"She was put on death row?" Pam asked.
"No, a prison riot," Krieger explained. "Apparently Black Panthers get upset when you call them Honkies."
"She was confused about the lingo," Cheryl snapped. "It could happen to anybody! But yeah she was most likely going to get the chair or the needle nap or whatever."
"You used to be best friends with a mass murderer," Ray was stunned. "That explains a lot about you."
"Like anyone here is one to talk?" Cheryl laughed. "I mean between the spy agency and Pam's underground fighting and Krieger's experiments…"
"Point taken," Krieger admitted.
"If anybody's a serial killer in this group," Cheryl went on. "You know it's Ms. Archer."
"Definitely," Pam nodded.
"No argument there," Ray nodded.
"Okay let's talk about something that won't get us all arrested," Krieger coughed.
"There's no new news about Archer," Pam said. "Still passed out like Fourth of Ju-Luau. Only without the pig under him."
"Coma plotlines are so boring on this side," Cheryl groaned.
"And there's no real gossip among us," Ray added. "We're practically together 24-7 as it is."
Pam thought of something. "How are your clones doing Krieger?"
"They're good," Krieger shrugged. "Not much new going on with them. Well the ones that I'm in contact with. Or are still alive. Sorry, no news there."
"We really should come up with scripts for these things," Pam groaned.
"Or at the very least whiteboard them," Ray added.
"Isn't that racist?" Cheryl was confused.
"Anyone have any suggestions on what we can talk about next?" Krieger asked.
"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Someone screamed.
"How about that?" Ray did a double take. "What the hell is going on out there?"
"It sounds like a pig is running…" Pam paused. "Krieger…"
"Hey! I told Piggly to behave himself!" Krieger defended. "I told him to wait patiently out in to the hallway…"
"You brought one of your damn radioactive pigs here?" Ray snapped. "Are you out of your God damn mind?"
"I take that is a rhetorical question," Pam groaned.
"SQUEEE!" Piggly ran in, glowing and holding a bikini top in its mouth.
"OH GOD NO!" Ray screamed as he realized the pig was about to jump in the hot tub.
"Holy Radioactive Pig Snacks!" Pam yelled as they started to scramble out of the hot tub.
"I don't wanna be irradiated!" Cheryl screamed as she got out. "It's super bad for your skin!"
SPLASH!
"Guys come on!" Krieger said as Piggly swam around in the hot tub with him. "It's only a little radiation!"
"Noooooooope!" Ray backed away from the hot tub. He was wearing blue trunks.
"I'm with Ray," Pam said. "No way Clone J!"
"Even I think sharing a hot tub with a radioactive pig is stupid!" Cheryl snapped.
"Good thing we got out in time," Ray said. "Cheryl you are so going to have to have that hot tub cleaned."
"Oh great!" Cheryl groaned. "Come on guys! Let's get out of here! I have another suite we can party in."
"Oh Good…" Krieger began to get up.
"Not you!" Cheryl snapped. "I want you out of not just my hot tub, but my hotel! You and that animal are banned!"
"For how long?" Krieger asked.
"Depends on the Geiger counter readings," Ray remarked as they left.
"Squeee?" Piggly squealed as he offered Krieger the bikini top.
"Do I even want to know where you got this?" Krieger sighed.
"Squeee!"
"I can't take you anywhere can I?" Krieger sighed.