Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or its characters. They belong to the incredible Dick Wolf and NBC/whatever network has permission to play the episodes.
Note: This idea came to me earlier today while it was thunderstorming and I decided it would be fun to stand in it. I got soaked and cold but I also got this idea as well as another one that I will probably write tomorrow, so it was worth it. Some slight spoilers for season 5's episode "Serendipity" as well as "Smoked" from season 12. Warnings for some girl-on-girl love and I think I cursed like twice. I hope you enjoy!
~~~~SVU~~~~
When it rains in New York, it can be a very interesting thing to watch as people run from building to building as they try not to get wet or as they hustled while huddled under their umbrellas, or to just watch as the streets empty of their usual crowds down to just those few people mentioned previously. On this very rainy day however, Olivia Benson was not huddled under an umbrella or in a taxi; she was not hiding from the rain at all. In fact, through her grief, she couldn't even feel the pellets of rain against her skin. She couldn't feel her clothes soaking her to the bone or the tiny rivers running down her top to her bottom or that her shoes were not only soaked but sitting in a deepening puddle of runoff. Olivia Benson was completely, one hundred percent numb. It had been nearly a week since her Captain had given her the news that her partner of over 12 years, Elliot Stabler, was not coming back. Deep down, she had known that the shooting at the precinct had shaken him too deeply, that having to kill Jenna in order to keep her from killing more people in the wake of her mom's murder had destroyed a part of Elliot, the part that was loyal and compassionate for victims. But she had ignored that voice that told her he wasn't coming back venomously, defending Elliot left and right, and believing he wouldn't really leave her. But he had. And she had never been more devastated about anything. Her grief was overwhelming. And to make matters worse, Elliot was unreachable. No matter how many times she called, he wouldn't talk to her. And then she found out that he had packed up his family and left. His four oldest were in college now anyway- Eli and Kathy were the only ones left for Elliot to take. Olivia had gone to his house to talk to him, to let him know that even if he didn't come back that she was there for him always; he was her best friend after all. But the house had been empty, as if her partner and his family had never lived there. It was all she could do not to break down right there in his empty house, feeling as though an invisible hand had reached inside her and tore out her insides. She knew her sadness showed. Cragen, Fin, and Munch had repeatedly asked if she was okay, if she needed time off. She knew Amanda and Amaro were just as concerned, but stayed quiet, knowing that since they were new to Olivia, their worry might not be taken too well. Amaro also avoided eye contact with her as much as possible, and when their eyes did connect, he looked at her with guilt. She felt bad for making him feel guilty for replacing Elliot- she knew that she shouldn't take it out on him, but she couldn't help it. She missed her best friend more than anything. She didn't know how to make the pain stop. So here she was, sitting on a bench in the rain, soaking in her sadness and betrayal. She wished Alex were here. Her other best friend would understand her emotions, would know how to help. But Alex was off in the Congo, helping victims of rape there. Just another person who had left her. She sighed, letting her self-pity overwhelm her thoughts for a while and thinking of all the other people who had left her, who she wished were here. Besides Elliot and Alex, there was her mother, her brother, Calvin- oh how her heart broke every time she thought of Calvin. Then of course, there was Casey Novak.
A million adjectives ran through Olivia's head at the mention of Casey Novak. Beautiful, stunning, intelligent, frustrating, impossible, loving, passionate- God, she could go on and on about the red-headed ADA she missed so dearly. She remembered the moment she'd fallen for Casey. It didn't happen right away; Olivia was still hurting from the loss of Alex, and as a result she'd hated the new ADA. She hated Casey simply because she wasn't Alex, who Olivia had always had a crush on but did nothing about because she knew the blonde was straight. She remembered Casey coming to their suspect's house, acting as if she owned the place. She remembered feeling angry and like her and Elliot's toes were being stepped on, their territory invaded, their judgment and skills questioned. She glared at the ADA and verbally made her disapproval and anger towards her known. And Casey got the hint right away. Despite their mistrust of one another however, Casey and Olivia had opened up to one another slightly when Casey asked Olivia how she handled the job, the children. Olivia, who wanted so badly to continue being openly rude to the red-headed, couldn't when those sad, wet, gorgeous green eyes met hers, begging for comfort and guidance, and gave her the best encouragement she could. That moment allowed Olivia and Casey to warm to one another a bit, enough for Olivia to stop being rude at least. It was the moment on the pier, however, when Casey's intelligence and quickness caused her to look in the cooler where the little girl was being kept, when her compassion and gentleness led her to lift the girl into her arms and take her away to safety, to be checked out by doctors and taken back to her family where she belonged, that Olivia knew Casey was special. The red-head didn't think she could handle the job, the live victims, and Olivia knew she had asked to be transferred. But after her boss had told her that she could handle it and was staying, Casey had proved herself over and over until she was just as dedicated and driven as the detectives were, until the job was as much a part of her as the law was. Every time Casey faced a case, the court, and the defense with her head high with pride and determination, every time she talked gently with a victim, every time she faced off against Olivia or Elliot in order to make them work by the book, Olivia fell more and more in love with her.
For a while, she kept her feelings to herself, not knowing Casey's orientation or whether confessing her feelings would destroy their friendship. Elliot had always told her to just tell Casey, that she might be surprised. He had seen the way Olivia would look at Casey when she thought the younger woman wasn't looking, and how she drooled every time she saw her in her baseball outfit. She knew that out of everyone, Elliot had been the one who bonded with Casey the most; the two of them went out for drinks constantly and when Casey needed an ear, she called Elliot. After Olivia, Casey was his next best friend. It was that knowledge that led Olivia to believe that, when he told her to just go for it, he knew something she didn't about Casey. But fear always won out. Olivia had never been good with her own emotions anyway. So she just went through the years keeping her feelings to herself.
As the rain grew heavier, Olivia remembered the moment she finally let her feelings get the best of her. It was before Casey had withheld evidence and faced suspension and right after Olivia had been kidnapped by Rook. Casey had been worried sick by the time Elliot and Olivia arrived back at the station to inform the captain that Rook had gotten away from them, jumped into the river cuffed, and therefore was more than likely dead. Olivia and Elliot's ears were still ringing from the explosion and were both a little banged up. Olivia was still a little shaken from being strapped to that machine and Elliot hardly wanted to let her out of his sight. Casey had come rushing in, saw Elliot and demanded to know if he had found Olivia yet. Olivia, who was just coming back from the bathroom where she'd washed some of her cuts, spoke before Elliot could answer, "I'm right here Case." Casey turned around and threw herself at Olivia, hugging her so tight Olivia almost couldn't breathe. Olivia hugged her back as she shot Elliot a confused look. He simply smirked and tilted his head, silently telling her to do something. Olivia tightened her hug and buried her face in the crook of Casey's neck. She gave the red-head a gentle kiss at the base of her throat before whispering, "I wouldn't leave you Casey." She smiled as Casey shivered at the kiss.
"Promise?" she whispered.
"I promise," Olivia said back. "Wanna come home with me? Cap said I could have the rest of the day. I wasn't going to take it, but I will if you come with me."
Casey swallowed hard and shakily nodded, "I'll go with you anywhere Olivia."
Olivia thought her heart would stop beating right then and there at such a declaration. She nodded, unable to speak and pulled away. She smiled at Casey before turning to grab her things from her desk. She looked at Elliot, ignoring his cocked eyebrow and smug smile, and said, "Tell Dad I'm taking the rest of the day after all." When he nodded, she reached her hand out for Casey's, who immediately took it with a smile and let the detective lead her from the building.
Olivia smiled dreamily as she remembered getting to her home with Casey by her side. How she threw caution to the wind and blurted out to Casey that she loved her. How Casey wordlessly pressed her lips to Olivia's, shoving the brunette against the closed door. How they held on to each other as if for dear life as they passionately kissed. How Casey pulled away so her green eyes could meet Olivia's brown as she declared, "I love you too Liv. So much. I have since the moment I saw you." How Olivia moaned at hearing those words and attacked Casey with her mouth. They made both wild and gentle but passionate love all throughout the night until they could no longer stand or stay conscious. But, like everything else in Olivia's life besides her job, it didn't last long. Casey was censured not too long after that and had to leave to take care of her appeal in order to practice again. She came back to visit Olivia every so often at first but then, without warning, she stopped. Then a few months ago, she returned, once again able to practice law, and helped Elliot with his case. Olivia tried to talk to her, but every time Casey would give her some excuse as to why she couldn't talk or meet up. Olivia missed Casey with every breath she took. She missed those shinning green eyes and that red hair that Olivia wanted to run her fingers through every time she saw it. She missed the girls' nights they'd shared and the talks they'd had. She missed making love with her. She missed her being around.
Olivia's thoughts once again turned depressing and destructive. She wondered how many people she loved would leave her before her heart gave out from the pain, before she just completely broke down and stopped speaking, working, breathing. The rain started to fall even heavier as the sky darkened. Lightning cut through the clouds, followed by a loud clap of thunder. It was as if the sudden storm was reflecting Olivia's internal storm. Olivia looked up into the sky, realizing how bad the weather had gotten, and knew she should get out of the storm. But she couldn't bring herself to move. Her legs wouldn't work nor would she want them to. She deserved to have the rain pouring down on her, beating her skin as the lightning threatened to strike her. Wouldn't that just make everything so much easier anyway? To be killed by a freak lightning bolt? Olivia sighed, letting her head fall back to rest on the back of the bench, and closed her eyes. After a few minutes of silently sulking, a nearby voice cut through her misery, "Olivia?"
The detective looked up to see none other than Casey Novak walking towards her, an umbrella in her hands and a concerned look on her face. Olivia's heart jolted with both pain and joy, but she couldn't bring herself to speak.
As the red-head approached, she demanded, "What the hell are you doing sitting in the rain? In a thunderstorm?"
Olivia simply shrugged, unsure if her voice would work as she watched her former lover come to stand by her side.
Casey sighed before asking, "Why don't you come with me? I'll take you somewhere warm and dry."
Olivia shook her head and spoke, "No. I want to keep sitting here." She looked away from Casey and said without emotion, "Just leave me Case."
Casey's frown deepened. She knew she'd caused the detective some kind of pain by leaving and then not coming back and finally by coming back but keeping her distance. She'd hurt herself by staying away from her love. But maybe, she didn't realize just how much Olivia hurt. Her shoulders sagged with defeat and guilt. "O-Okay," she stammered, "Well at least take my umbrella."
Olivia shook her head once again, still not looking at her. "No thank you," she said quietly.
Casey wanted to growl with frustration at Olivia's stubbornness. As she fought to roll her eyes or yell at the brunette, Casey heavily sat down next to Olivia, leaving only a few inches of space between them. She held the umbrella over Olivia but the detective protested once again.
"No Casey," she said as she pushed the umbrella away and slid out from under it, "I want to get wet."
Casey glared at the side of Olivia's face for a few moments before she sighed in exasperation, "Fine." With that, she folded up the umbrella and said, "If you're determined to be wet then so am I."
"You could get sick," Olivia said concerned, looking at Casey again.
Casey shrugged, "So might you. I'll take that risk. I'm not moving until you do."
Olivia looked at her with an unreadable expression before turning away to stare unseeing across the street. Casey followed her move and looked away as well. She couldn't believe she was doing this. The rain was freezing, and the lightning was freaking her out. But she was determined to be there for Olivia. She'd heard about Elliot leaving. She knew Olivia needed someone right now, and the only one who stood a chance of being allowed to comfort her was either her or Alex. Obviously, Alex was unable to do anything so the job fell to Casey. The problem was that Casey had caused Olivia as much pain as Elliot had. She had some groveling to do before Olivia would let her in. She just hoped that Olivia would come around before either of them froze to death. Speaking of freezing, Casey shivered almost violently as her teeth started chattering. She tried to hide it, wanting to give Olivia as much time as she needed, but it didn't work.
Olivia felt the bench shake and looked over at Casey with alarm. Seeing the ADA's body shaking visibly, Olivia instantly jumped into action. "Okay. We're moving," she said as she jumped up. She reached for Casey automatically and held her close to her side as she began to lead the way towards Casey's apartment. She hadn't realized the spot she'd chosen to sit was so close to Casey's place until just now. Naturally, Casey would see her on her way home and approach her. She mentally slapped herself for her stupidity. Casey was unable to speak through her shaking and teeth-chattering and simply allowed Olivia to guide her to her home. Silently, the two women walked into the building, boarded the elevator, and walked to Casey's door. After a minute of watching Casey's shaking hands try to unlock the door, Olivia murmured, "Let me" as she reached for the keys. Casey quietly mumbled her thanks and let Olivia take her keys. Olivia pushed open the door, and Casey hurried inside to her bedroom, where she quickly shed her wet clothes, toweled off, and put on sweatpants and a sweatshirt. She smiled as some of the cold started to leave her body before she turned to head back into the living room. Standing just inside the closed door, Olivia waited, her soaked clothes dripping onto the rug.
"Liv," Casey said quietly, "You can come in you know? Why don't you go take a warm shower and I'll leave some clothes for you?"
Olivia just looked at her for a moment, unsure what to do. She badly wanted to stay mad at Casey for ditching her without a word, but the more she looked at those green eyes, the more she just wanted to fall into them. She shook her head, "No, I should go."
As Olivia turned to leave, Casey surged forward and grabbed her arm gently, stopping her. "Please stay," she blurted.
Once again, Olivia looked at her in contemplative silence. She willed herself to have the strength to say no. She'd been hurt too many times recently by those she loved most. She wanted to go home to wallow in her misery before going to work tomorrow with a new attitude to not get close to any of them ever again. But god, the electricity that radiated from the spot Casey was touching was frying her brain. And her heart. She wanted just as much to be able to smile and say, "Fuck it" and fall into bed with the woman she loved. How could it be so easy for the red-head to have that effect on her despite her betrayal? It was nowhere near fair.
Seeing Olivia's inner turmoil, Casey confessed, "Olivia. I'm so sorry. I know I've hurt you, but please believe me when I say I never meant to. When I left to complete the appeal process, I had every intention of seeing you as much as I could. But as the months passed- I don't know- I guess it really started to hit me that I'd been censured. You know the law and being a lawyer is everything to me. I was losing it not being able to do what I loved. I now understand what you must've felt like when you went undercover for the FBI. It was horrible. I would wake up every morning, ready to face the day and a new case and victim, and then I'd remember that I couldn't. I buried myself in my work, in studying over and over and writing and rewriting my appeal, that, when I finally would stop, I wouldn't know what time or day it was. And then I started hearing whispers about my status- that I would never succeed in being able to come back, that even if I did I would realize I'd lost my mojo and quit the next day. I heard that Graylick was telling everyone that I'd been disbarred. There were so many whispers, so many looks of shame, pity, and contempt, that I began to feel ashamed of myself. I battled between leaving and continuing my appeal. I feared that I wouldn't make it back and I feared that I would. I love being SVU's ADA don't get me wrong, but these cases are so hard. And though I'm used to them enough to be able to do it, I wondered if maybe I'd be better off without them. And I was afraid that I would come back and wouldn't be able to do this anymore. Whether it was because the news about my mistake would proceed me and nobody would trust me, or because I wouldn't want to anymore, or because I COULDN'T do it anymore, I just wouldn't be able to do it. I was terrified that I had indeed lost my skill.
"And it was because of all this shame and fear that I tried to hide myself away. I avoided the city and I avoided you because I didn't want to remind myself of my failure and embarrassment. And because I didn't want you to be ashamed of me either. I would have nightmares of us walking down the street holding hands and people would shout, 'Look! There goes the hero detective and her loser girlfriend, the washed-out, pathetic lawyer!'. And I'd wake up crying. By the time, I got news that my appeal was accepted, I was so depressed and suffering these horrible panic attacks that I had decided not to come back. But then I found the necklace you gave me in one of my law books when I was packing. You know, the one that matches your lotus one? And I knew I had to face my fears. I wore the necklace and it gave me your courage. I knew it would be hard, that first time in the courtroom. I fully expected the look Petrovski gave me though it still hurt. Elliot was amazing with his support, but he wasn't you. I can't tell you why I was so afraid to get close to you again. All I can say is that I was simply a coward. A stupid, selfish, horrible coward. I understand if you never forgive me, if you never want to be anything with me ever again- not even my friend. But I just want you to know how terribly sorry I am for pushing you away, for not coming to you back when I started feeling so low in the first place, for not coming back at all for a while there. It was an atrocious thing to do to the woman I love."
Instantly, Olivia melted. She turned to fully face Casey and gently reached out to wipe away the tears that had slid out as Casey apologized. Casey leaned into the touch, trying not to get her hopes up that Olivia was forgiving her. "Casey, I DO love you. So much. I was hurting for you when you were censured; I would've been there for you. I was never, EVER once ashamed that that happened. I could NEVER be ashamed of you, of being with you. I would have defended you with my last breath if that's what it took; I know you were just trying to do the right thing, to get those monsters locked up. Was it the wrong way to do it? Yes, but that doesn't mean it was shameful. Despite it being wrong, I actually loved you more because of it. You were willing to risk your job over and over; you just got caught this time. That's part of why I love you so much."
"Really?" Casey blushed as more tears escaped her eyes.
Olivia smiled gently at her and said vehemently, "Of course."
Casey smiled. Then it died as she sheepishly asked, "Does this mean you forgive me?"
"I'm still really hurt," she admitted, "And it might take a while to completely get over it, but I love you too much not to forgive you."
Casey hugged Olivia close, "I love you Olivia. I will do whatever it takes to rid the hurt I've caused. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it, okay?"
Olivia nodded and buried her face in Casey's neck, inhaling the scent she'd missed so much. When they finally pulled away, Casey ignored the urge to kiss the detective and said, "How about you go grab that warm shower now? I felt like I was hugging a large popsicle."
Olivia chuckled before agreeing and moving towards Casey's bathroom. Casey watched her go, waiting to hear the door close and the water start, before following to lay out some clothes. She set out her baggiest pair of sweats, one of her softball team shirts, and a zip-up hoodie. She also laid out a pair of socks in case the detective's feet were cold. She then moved out into the kitchen to make some coffee for Olivia and hot chocolate for herself. Ten minutes later, as she sipped her beverage, she heard footsteps warning her of Olivia's approach. Without a word, she held out the coffee for Olivia to take. Olivia smiled as wrapped her hand around the warm mug. She hummed in appreciation as she took a sip and felt the liquid warm her from the inside. Her little heavenly moment was interrupted as Casey said, "So I've made the executive decision that you're not leaving tonight."
Olivia cocked an eyebrow at her, "Oh really? And why is that?"
"Liv. There's a torrential downpour outside as well as a thunderstorm; it's getting dark; it's freezing; AND you live across town. It won't kill you to stay."
"You know, you could just admit that you WANT me to stay," Olivia tried to hide her smirk behind her mug as she took another sip.
Casey struggled not to smile as she teased, "Who says I want you to stay?"
"Well alright then," Olivia shrugged as she put her mug down and moved towards the door, "I guess I'll just be going then."
Finally, Casey laughed, "Liv! Come back! I want you to stay. There! Ya happy now?"
Olivia smirked, "Yup!" She grabbed her mug once again and said, "Come on. Let's go watch a movie."
Casey smiled, knowing she was weaning her way back into Olivia's good graces, and followed.
Two movies later, the women were snuggled together on the sofa, Olivia lying on her side at the front of the couch while Casey cuddled her from behind. Normally, Olivia would only tolerate being the big spoon, but she found she rather liked Casey taking that part for now. Casey took it as another good sign and happily hugged Olivia's back to her front. Casey had spent the nearly four hours softly stroking Olivia anywhere she could, on her arm, her thigh, her hair. Now she was gently petting her collarbone, melting Olivia further and further with each pass of her fingers. As their current movie concluded and the start menu replayed on the screen, Olivia decided she had had enough of not touching the redhead and gently turned around in Casey's grip. Casey watched, wondering where this was heading. Olivia draped on arm over Casey's waist and looked into the green eyes she loved. They were watching her with such love and adoration, that Olivia couldn't stop herself from closing the distance between their lips. Their lips fit together as if they'd never parted, melting to one another perfectly. Casey sighed as a piece of her soul fell back into place. Slowly, they rediscovered the feel of the other's lips, the taste of the other's mouth. Finally, Olivia pulled away and panted slightly as she rested her forehead on Casey's. God, how she'd missed her love, those lips. She wanted more. But she needed to know if Casey did too. "You said you'd do anything I asked?"
"Yes!" Casey gasped.
"Make love to me?" she whispered.
"Oh god Liv. Yes! Yes please!"
Olivia kissed her once again, more heatedly this time, before standing up. She grabbed Casey's hand and pulled her up and to her bedroom. Once there, she turned to face Casey who immediately pressed their lips together in a searing kiss. Casey's hands went around Olivia's hips, gripping her back as she pulled them as close together as she could. Olivia ran her fingers through Casey's hair, stopping at the base of her skull to close the hair in her fists, holding their faces together. Needing to feel her skin, Casey slid her hands under Olivia's shirt and dragged her nails up Olivia's back. Olivia gasped and arched her back at the feeling. Casey gripped the shirt and quickly yanked it over Olivia's head. Olivia took the opportunity to follow suit, nearly ripping off Casey's sweatshirt. As nipples brushed against nipples, making them stiffen to hard points, both women shuddered. As Casey's hands gripped Olivia's breasts, she gasped, "God Liv! It's been too long! I'm not sure how long I can last."
"I know how you feel," Liv gasped, "I think- I think I need you fast this time. Then we can slow it down after that."
Casey moaned, "You can have me any way you want."
Olivia growled at that and threw the ADA down onto the bed. Quickly, she rid Casey of her sweats, pausing for a moment to stare hungrily at the already-soaked folds she saw, as well as her own. She jumped onto the bed to straddle Casey, who lifted herself up to capture Liv's lips and wrap her arms around her torso. Olivia held herself up as they passionately kissed for a few more moments. Then she moved her hand down to cup Casey's heated center. Casey gasped at the contact. Olivia taunted her slightly by slowly parting her folds and scraping her finger through her wetness. Casey ripped her mouth away from Olivia's to gasp, "Dear Lord! Liv!" Repeating the motion, Olivia latched her mouth onto Casey's neck, needing to mark the redhead's skin. As Olivia's finger swirled around her throbbing center, Casey dug her nails across Olivia's back as she tried not to come. "Liv! Please!" Casey gasped, "I need you inside me!"
The detective didn't need to be told twice. She plunged two fingers into Casey's wet heat, shivering at the silky feel of her insides. Casey gasped and broke through the skin of Olivia's back before moving to grab Olivia's head and force their lips back together. They panted into each other's mouths as Olivia began to fuck Casey with her fingers. Using her core strength, she held herself up over Casey as she moved her other hand down to tease Casey's clit. Casey moaned loudly as her hips thrust upwards. She desperately needed more of Olivia's pleasurable assault. The jerk of Casey's hips caused Olivia to brush her own clit with her hands. She gasped. Knowing Olivia needed more, Casey bent her leg until she rubbed against Liv's center. Now it was Olivia's turn to rip her lips away to gasp as Casey repeatedly pressed her thigh against her throbbing core. As Casey continued to jerk her hips and Olivia continued to pleasure her with her fingers, the brunette began shamelessly, uncontrollably humping herself on Casey's leg. Both women were driven to the edge within seconds, just needing a little more to shove them over the edge. When Casey felt the tightening signal of her impending orgasm, she gasped, "Liv! Ohh! So! Close! Come- Come with me!" She reached between them, shoved her hand to Olivia's core, and pressed against her clit, just as she came screaming, "OLIVIA!".
Olivia jerked and, at the sound of her name, moaned, "CASEY!"
They held each other as they came down from their orgasms. When she could finally move, Olivia gently pulled her fingers from Casey and licked them clean, moaning at the taste of pure Casey. She fell onto her side, resting her head on Casey's chest, and listened to her heartbeat. Olivia knew it would be a rough few weeks and months without Elliot. She'd be reminded of him every day when she looked upon his desk and saw Amaro there instead. She knew that she would miss him like crazy. But she also knew that everything would be okay eventually. She would get used to Amanda and Nick being there; Nick would prove to be a good partner in his own right. And she still had Cragen, Munch, and Fin. But most importantly, she had Casey, the woman she loved more than anything else in the world. Nothing else mattered just then other than the fact that they were finally together at last. "I love you Casey," Olivia said as she kissed the top of Casey's breast.
"I love you too Liv. God do I love you. I'm never leaving you again."
"Promise?" Olivia whispered as she looked into Casey's eyes, sounding and looking more vulnerable than Casey had ever seen.
Casey knew with every fiber of her being that she could never survive without Olivia nor would she ever be able to do that to Olivia ever again. They needed each other. She nodded and answered, "I promise. Now come here and kiss me."
Olivia, knowing full well it would start another session of love-making, was only too happy to oblige.