I haven't been in the mood to write happy fanfiction recently, which is why Delicately Deranged and Catch Me haven't been uploaded in SO long. But I'm starting to get in the mood for said style, so they'll be updated soon.
So.. this story will be disturbing. Just wait. There will be thoughts that are purely sickening. Said thoughts won't be in this chapter.. but they'll be there. Trust me. So, if you think you can handle that, please, read on, darlings(:
Clare woke up on a particularly warm October morning to the sound of her alarm clock sounding in her ears. The second she heard its tune, she jumped out of bed, because she needed to beat her big brother, Johnny, to the shower. Every morning, they had this war, and every morning, Clare won.
As soon as Clare entered the bathroom, she slammed and locked the door. The second she did so, she heard the sound of Johnny slamming into it. "Clare, you always get first shower! Hurry up, because I have to be in school early to show a new student around!" He yelled.
Clare snorted in response, and muttered something about Johnny being a lazy, good for nothing loser. The reply that she received was close to inaudible, but it sounded a lot like "little bitch."
She laughed silently to herself, stripped her clothes from her body, and started staring at herself in the mirror. She studied everything about herself, every single inch of her body was judged by the words of her own harsh cruel mind.
"Your hips are too big." Her mind snapped. And, suddenly, the morning judging began. Clare sighed, before it took another try. "You're not beautiful. In fact, you're too fat to be anything more than horrifying." She cringed at harshness of her mind's words, but that didn't stop it from screaming its insults. "I'm surprised your parents can even look at you. They should be ashamed to call such a fat unbeautiful girl their daughter." The words sounded like nails on a chalkboard in Clare's mind, and tears started forming in her light blue eyes.
This was her daily ritual. Beat her brother to the shower, let her mind verbally abuse her, glare at her body in disgust, then, eventually, when she had enough torture from her mind's words, she would get in the shower, and do her best to avoid looking at her body.
The second Clare stepped into the steaming hot shower; she felt her repulsive body relax for just the shortest of seconds. The second her body relaxed, though, she heard a banging on the door. So, she quickly finished what she needed to do in the shower, turned it off, and wrapped a towel around her body.
Clare glanced in the mirror once more, and instantly shuddered at the reflection of the girl staring back at her. She hated herself. She hated herself so much; she couldn't even look at her body without hearing harsh insults in her mind.
Clare exited the bathroom, and rain straight into Johnny. "What takes you so long in the shower every morning?" Johnny asked, while staring weirdly at the bright red girl beside him.
"Oh, it's nothing, Johnny. I just have to take the time to let myself know that I'm unbeautiful in every way before I shower each morning." Clare replied, while adding a fake sarcastic smirk to make sure he believed that her comment was, in fact, a sarcastic one.
He smiled and rolled his eyes, buying the lie that was told to him almost daily. "Yeah, right. I forgot that you hated yourself so much that you needed all that time to tear yourself apart!" He said. Clare threw him a very fake giggle into the conversation, and Johnny rolled his eyes and laughed a little, before slamming the door in Clare's face.
Clare quickly ran into her room and started to prepare herself for school. She hated school with a fiery passion, mainly because there was no one who fully understood her. She didn't have that best friend who knew all of her problems. In fact, Clare was more of a loner, with no friends, just people who would say a few words to her, and even the amount of those were limited.
Clare ran into her closet and stared around for a moment, trying to find something to wear. She finally pulled out a baggy t shirt and sweatshirt, and some of her older brother's sweatpants that she had stolen from him. She liked wearing baggy clothes because, and then no one would be forced to see the hideousness that she thought to be her body. One thing that no one knew was that, when Clare would get ready for school, she would refuse to look in the mirror.
In fact, the only time she really did look in the mirror was in the morning, when she would stand there, find every single flaw that existed on her body, and rip herself apart.
Once Clare was dressed and prepared for school, she ran downstairs to "Have breakfast" with her mother.
Basically, this consisted of her mother pigging out on fattening McDonald's breakfast, and offering some to Clare. Clare would always shake her head, and say that she would just grab a granola bar on her way out.
Then, every single morning, Clare would leave, muttering something about having to get to school early to do a project, study, do homework, or whatever other lame excuse would come to her mind. And, every single morning, her mother would nod, kiss her forehead, and then go straight back to worrying about her own problems, and ignoring her own daughter.
Clare would then grab her bags, and begin on her journey to that torture chamber some people liked to call her school. She hated it, but she considered it better than home.
There were things about Clare that no one knew.
No one knew that Clare would stop by the trash can outside of Degrassi, throwing the always untouched granola bar out. No one knew that Clare spent her hour and a half before school began sprinting on the treadmill. No one knew the amount of tears she cried while running on that treadmill, because she always wanted to push her weak, unnourished body to go faster. No one knew the hours she spent thinking of insults about her own body, and kept them stored in her mind, for when she was really feeling unbeautiful. No one knew that there wasn't a single night in two years that Clare hadn't cried herself to sleep because of her appearance, or her body image. No one knew that Clare only consumed and kept down about a hundred calories a day. No one knew that the Clare one saw on the outside, happy, care-free Clare was actually nothing like the pain she was feeling inside.
The only thing that people did know was that Clare Edwards was a loner. She didn't really talk to many people, and many people hated her. But, No one knew that the person who hated Clare the most was, in fact, Clare herself. Well, Not yet. But one specific person was about to be the first person to do so.
Erm.. yeah, that's it. Review?