Disclaimer: This part should be obvious but in the spirit of stating things: I don't own any of the characters that I've borrowed to tell this story.
A/N: This bit of silliness is the sequel to 'Hooks-N-Arrows', but you don't have to go read that story too if you don't want to.
*-Apple Punch-*
Ruby was once again covering for her friend at 'The Rabbit Hole'. Her absent friend being Bo Peep which is all kinds of crazy, for obvious reasons, but then again those same reasons keep their friendship on its toes. It was a slow-ish Thursday night and the non-sanctioned without Happy the dwarf, Happy Hour is swinging about as high as a swing on an elementary school playground. The night has been dull and Ruby has another four hours before she can close. Being a temporary bartender isn't bad, even the smell of all the alcohol doesn't bother her. The scent of the booze masks the odors of bad cologne, perfume, sweat mixed with a fruity scented body wash, lingering cigarette smoke and her least favorite fragrance-sex. Because to smell that distinct aroma on someone she doesn't know in the biblical sense and has no plans to is just gross. After finishing up with checking the temperature on the beer taps, Ruby notices that it's a few minutes after eight when her wolf-enhanced hearing picks up on two very familiar voices approaching the front doors.
"How exactly did you get me to agree to this?"
"Come on, I mean what's wrong with this place?" Emma Swan asks as she opens the door and holds it open for her girlfriend, Regina Mills. "I don't get it. You made this hooch parlor, so I think it's time for you the creator to finally hangout in their creation, that way you can cross it off your bucket list."
"I don't have a bucket list, Emma." Regina retorts smartly. "And just because this establishment was my doing, it did not mean that at some point I wanted to been seen within its walls."
"Oh loosen up." Emma says with a smirk while standing closely beside Regina. "You need to get out more and as much as I love being home with you and Henry, it's a mandate for adults like you and I to interact with other grown people sometimes to keep me from getting cabin fever."
"If only this so called 'cabin fever' that you've been suffering from were fatal." Regina retorts as she scans the bar's patrons and instantly recognizes Miss Lucas behind the bar, who smiles and waves at the couple.
"That's so sweet Regina and I love you too." Emma responds while she nudges her girlfriend's shoulder with hers, while Ruby tries not to laugh at her favorite pair of bickering people. "But unlike someone I know, you won't hear me complaining about being stuck with you."
"That's simply because you have been made aware of how lucky you are." Regina says with a smirk while removing her sleek, form-fitting black leather coat, since the bar is anything but cold right now. "Meanwhile, I'm still deciding if I want swan for another night or if one of these days I might finally decide to try roast swan."
Emma just laughs, leans over and plants a kiss on Regina's cheek. Ruby notices a small smile start to spread on the ex-Queens face and said ex-Queen does absolutely nothing to hide it. The insanely attractive couple moves towards the bar and takes up two stools near the middle. Ruby greets them with a welcoming smile and asks them: 'What's their poison for the night?' Regina orders an Apple Martini and Ruby isn't surprised. Emma orders a 'One Night Stand' which causes Regina to chuckle darkly. Ruby barely bats an eyelash as she dutifully fills their drinks orders and once both are poured and placed in front of both women, the true 'wild one' of Storybrooke goes to the other end of the bar where Leroy has demanded another Heineken Light, since he's trying to be gentler on his already robust figure and cast iron liver. But no matter where Ruby is in the bar her attention; thanks to her enhanced hearing, can and will drift to whoever is the most interesting or fun, not disgusting.
"Tell me Emma, am I the longest running one night stand that you've ever had?"
Emma chokes a bit on her drink, "You're shitting me right? I mean how do you even know about...my past preferences?"
"Your mother of course." Regina replies while stirring her drink with the single olive. "Over tea in her loft not too long ago and honestly, I was more shocked by the concern she was showing in regards to your intentions towards me in our new relationship status."
Ruby very nearly laughs out loud at Snow; her longtime best friend's inability to keep from airing out certain types of information.
"God!" Emma says as she slaps the bar's surface with her hand. "My mother can't seem to help herself can she?"
Regina smirks and takes a sip of her martini. "I refuse to answer such an obvious rhetorical question."
"Just what else have you two talked about?" Emma prods before taking a healthy pull on her drink.
"Do you really wish to know?"
"I wouldn't have asked now if I didn't, Regina."
Ruby is really enjoying the back and forth and ends up smiling a bit too widely at Anastasia the hot waitress while she is at the bar grabbing up her drink orders. Ruby had more than a couple of one night stands with her years ago before the curse broke, and of course they both haven't forgotten. Ruby notices how Anastasia leans over more and gives her an eyeful of cleavage, and right then the wolf within wants to go on the prowl again. But Ruby just continues to smile and tells herself that those days belong to the past and Red doesn't approve of her old, over easy ways. After Anastasia saunters away Ruby tunes back in to the her favorite bickering couple just down the way.
"Keep it up Regina and I'll let word get around town about your sexy little belly-button ring."
Ruby's interest picks up more because she thinks that's cool about Regina, and she would have never thought an uptight mayor/ex-Queen would have such a body decoration. But on second thought Ruby realizes that everyone in Storybrooke is technically old, including her and maybe Regina did that to feel younger again.
"You wouldn't dare."
Emma makes a face. "People would be shocked. I know I was and I love the sounds you make when I tease it with my tongue."
Regina raises her eyebrows, "Blackmail it is then. And Emma dear, I know that those people to whom you were referring would hardly be inclined to care about my one proclivity. But you on the other hand, I bet they would be more interested in knowing some of the juicy secrets about you and exactly what kind of woman their 'savior' really is."
Emma laughs and leans in closer to Regina. "Hmm, see this is another reason why I love you. You give as good as you get and it's never a dull moment around you."
Ruby chuckles under her breath and wonders how many more times Emma is going to say the 'L' word tonight. Regina hasn't said it with words but her actions scream it and Ruby bets that Regina says the 'L' word plenty of times behind closed doors, because of the pheromones she can smell coming off Regina doesn't know how to lie.
Ruby scans the bar and sees Sneezy at the jukebox picking out some song's; thankfully the selection has been upgraded, but then again people around here seem to love 80's music so hearing 'When Doves Cry' start playing is no great torture because it's still a damn good song. The Prince feelings don't last long though when suddenly the bar's doors open to reveal a certain pirate who doesn't need to go to a bar, not when he a small mobile one in his damn coat pocket. Ruby tries to decide on a subtle way to alert Emma, but eventually goes to the old standby of a cough. Emma looks up at her friend quizzically but follows Ruby's twitching eyes over her shoulder. Emma notices Killian Jones lurking near the entrance, but not only did Emma pick up on the ruse, so did Regina. Emma winces in response to both discoveries while she watches Regina turn around on her stool a little.
"Oh look your boyfriend is here." Regina says before taking a sip of her drink. "Now my night is complete."
"Ex-boyfriend! And maybe Hook won't bother us and really you're never gonna let me live that one short spell of bad judgment in my life down are you?" Emma retorts with a roll of her eyes while she shakes her head.
"That's not likely to happen tonight." Regina adds while twirling the glass stem of her apple martini around slowly. "But tomorrow is another day, Miss Swan."
"Keep calling me 'Miss. Swan' and you can forget about having a warm body to keep you company tonight in that queen-sized bed of ours." Emma states lowly, which in turn causes Regina to smirk.
"Do you promise...Miss. Swan? And our bed is king-sized."
"You're impossible you know that and I wonder why the hell I put up with it."
"Perhaps it's due to the fact that you are the offspring of two idiots?" Regina offers helpfully.
Ruby chuckles at the way the two of them still needle each other. But at the same time Ruby knows that Emma is smart enough not to mention Robin in retaliation since it's such a sore spot. Besides the thief took his wife and kid and left Storybrooke so what's left to say, frankly it's better to forget. Hook has stubbornly remained by the doors while Ruby mixes up another 'Royal Widow' for King George which she thought about spicing up with a splash of her wolf piss but didn't. As King George moves away from the bar Ruby keeps an eye on Hook, who has apparently decided to stick his nose all up in Emma's and Regina's night out.
Ruby wipes her hands on the bar's rag and then does her best to not be outright staring at what's about to percolate just down the bar. Emma is trying to make the last few sips of her drink last, either that or she's thinking about how to water board herself with what's left. Ruby feels sorry for Emma because the pirate is hard to shake off and really what did she actually see in him, other than his pretty face?
Regina on the other hand has turned completely away from the bar and is facing an oncoming Hook. Her posture straight, legs crossed and those black leather high heeled boots she's wearing faintly twitch at the ankle. Ruby imagines Regina as a dark predator lying in wait for its prey; only with a cocktail in hand, and no doubt an expression of bored amusement on its face.
"Fancy seeing you two ladies here." Hook says while siding up close to Emma and Regina. "It's a pleasure to see you tonight, Emma."
"Hook." Emma acknowledges him without looking at him.
Ruby thinks that if she were in Hook's pirate getup or not, she would take the hint and move the fuck on. Persistence is not a desirable quality when the other person doesn't want anything to do with you. Then again Ruby can't help but think what would've happened if she was more up front to Belle, but beauty already picked her beast and it wasn't Ruby. With a flick of the bar's rag Ruby tries to rub off a stubborn water ring. Looking for a distraction from her thoughts of Belle, Ruby tunes back into the soap/dope show just a few feet away. And if Ruby were a T.V. executive she would call the show: 'The Dumb and the Handless.'
"Funny how you wouldn't come here with me when we were spending time together, Swan." Killian says slyly while running his finger along his gleaming hook.
Ruby hears Emma inhale deeply and then Regina starts chuckling. "Did it ever occur to you Hook that Emma thinks that I class up the place, while your Captain Guyliner tendencies made her feel like she was dating what I believe is called a Drag Queen?"
Hook scoffs and leans closer still to Emma, and if Ruby can smell the rum from this far away she really feels for Emma being that near to it. "Admit it love, you liked the way I look and I know you definitely liked the way I made you feel."
Ruby is certain that the martini in Regina's hand must be ready to boil from the intense fireball that's probably dying to be unleashed by now. Regina swivels on her stool and places the small remains of her drink on the bar top. On closer inspection Ruby does see a little steam rise from around the rim of the glass.
"I really don't care for how you're speaking to Emma." Regina says while turning to face Hook once more. "And I know she's more than capable of telling you to fuck off, but in case once isn't enough let me be the first to tell you to fuck off."
Ruby really likes Regina right now. She always knew that the Queen had fangs, but apparently she's also got some set of balls too. Hook suddenly feels his rum kicking in and why not get the last word?
"You know your majesty," Hook begins while leaning in closer to Regina; his voice low and seductive. "Swan used to love playing with my hook, so maybe the three of us can play together?" Ruby nearly chokes on air, but then she hears the distinct sound of the former mayor's bones in her right hand popping as it contracts and forms a tight fist. "And on recollection I've realized that during all the years we've known one another I've failed to mention what a nice set of...apples you have Regina."
Hook doesn't burst into a fireball but he does fall to the ground after Regina hits him square in the face with her fist. The sound reminded Ruby of a wooden paddle striking a bare ass, only slightly crunchier.
'Ouch! Don't fuck with Mills!' Ruby thinks to herself as she leans over the bar to see Hook's lower lip swelling and oozing a little blood that smells exactly like rum to her more human than human nose.
Emma watches almost dumbly as her girlfriend simply massages the hand that delivered the hard blow to Hook's jaw. "I've wanted to do that since Neverland and every single time that I saw or heard that you were around our son!" Regina says sternly as she magic's her now slightly bruised, stinging knuckles to heal.
Ruby has heard all the gossip from the Neverland adventures, and she bets right now that Emma wishes that she'd never locked lips with that pirate in a heat-of-the-not a-thought-behind-it moment. Ruby walks towards the end of the bar and then moves out from behind by flipping the top of the bar top back on its hinges. Ruby comes from around the bar just in time to see Killian trying to pick himself up off the floor and once again Emma showing some serious intelligence by not moving a muscle to help him.
Captain Hook is going to have one hell of shiner, complete with a nice busted lip.
"Killian, I think it's time for you to go." Ruby says gently, even though her wolf is on high alert due to the way his scent smells to her right now. The man is completely aroused. Ruby is secretly glad that she wore pants tonight and not a short skirt.
"Rubes is right Hook." Emma says while she steps closer to a still seething Regina. God, it's such a ridiculously huge turn on for Emma when Regina is madder than a wet hen. If Ruby's sense of smell is anything to go by and it is.
Killian rubs his aching jaw and lips; his hand comes away with some more blood. Gradually he picks himself up off the floor, stands up and moves close to Regina again who doesn't back down one single centimeter.
"I apologize for my remarks Regina." Hook offers with a sad smile. "It was bad form and may I say that you have an impressive right hook of your own; you and Swan have that in common."
"Emma knocked you on your ass as well." Regina says with a smirk that accents all her simmering rage.
"Indeed she did back in the Enchanted Forest which should've been my first hint, but I'm not the type of man who's used to not getting what I want."
Regina remains silent; not accepting and certainly not acknowledging the pirates clearly false, rum-laced remorse. Emma herself now has found another level of anger but mostly at herself for flirting with the pirate, then wasting time with him and let's not forget actually going on a few dates with him.
Meanwhile, Hook reaches into the inner coat pocket of his leather trench coat and pulls out his flask.
'And here we go with the rum again!' Regina, Ruby and Emma think to themselves.
"Now if you'll excuse me ladies." Hooks says after a long draw of rum, before placing the flask back in his coat's inner pocket. "Good evening to all five, four...wait...three of you."
Regina rolls her eyes and thanks all higher forms of life that her girlfriend never slept with that man. The three of them watch Hook somewhat wobble as he walks, until he finally makes contact with the bar doors and pushes them open.
"Whew, I'm glad I didn't have to personally escort him out." Ruby says with a chuckle which makes Emma smile and Regina too but only on the inside.
"I don't think Killian knows what he would be in for if you actually had to show his pirate ass through the doors, Rubes." Emma adds while reaching for Regina's leather jacket where she laid it on the bar. Ruby watches with thinly disguised amusement at Emma holding open Regina's coat for her.
"Thank you Emma."
"You're welcome." Emma replies as her cheeks begin to show off a nice blush; still she leans in closer and lowers her voice. "I love a woman who smells like apples, stands up for herself and packs a mean punch."
Ruby clears her throat again because she heard that and can smell the effect Emma's words are having on both women. Its times like these that she wishes for a swift and mean head cold, but wolves don't get sick.
"Miss Lucas," Regina starts while pulling her now longer hair out from the collar of her jacket. "I would offer quite a reward should you like to take your wolf for a walk all over the pirate."
Ruby doesn't get to answer due to Emma's high pitched exclamation of Regina's name.
"Don't pay any attention to her Ruby, she was just joking." Emma says with a smile to her friend who actually wouldn't mind scaring the shit out of the clichéd rum-reeking pirate. Ruby never told Emma about the entertainment value of Hook and Robin; a tale of two pigs, that happened more than a few months ago now.
"Well should you want to...Ruby, I know the Sheriff and I will make sure that no charges will be pressed against you." Regina says with a wicked smirk and Ruby can't help but smile; for two reasons, one Regina called her by her first name and two, Emma's horrified expression.
"Goodnight Rubes." Emma says while regaining control of her facial features and shaking her head.
"Be good." Ruby replies with a smile.
Regina continues to smirk while she and Emma walk towards the bar's entry doors. Emma reaches for the door handle, opens and then holds the door for Regina again.
"You know, I'm pleased that you approve dear." Regina says in what Ruby feels is a down right naughty tone of voice. She can't help but hear them thanks to her wolf, even as she moves further away from them to go back behind the bar.
"About what?"
Regina chuckles, "All those things you said that you love about me, and how I can tell that you're all but on fire for me right now."
"Wow Regina! Now I feel like I won't be able to put out fast enough when we get home."
Ruby lets loose a loud laugh as Emma's and Regina's voices fade into the background noise of the parking lot. While stacking shot glasses Ruby can't decide who was funnier; Hook and Robin some time ago or Emma, Regina and Hook tonight. Although SwanQueen was a lot more fun, but watching Captain Hood as she's taken to branding them, was almost enough to make her swear off men completely. Ruby shivers and some of the shot glasses almost topple over but she rights them with her fast reflexes.
'Maybe now that Belle has come to her senses and dumped Rumpleforeskin; she'll try this wolf on for size.' And with that thought Ruby turns back to the bar, just as Cinderella herself steps up and orders a 'Slow Comfortable Screw.' Ruby blinks but then smiles and consults the drink bible on what types of booze are required to make that happen.
*-END-*
Soundtrack:"Givin The Dog a Bone" by AC/DC, "Who Invited You" by The Donnas & "Love Her Madly" by The Doors
Final Words: I believe that this was worth a laugh, but if it wasn't then you just might be suffering from laughter constipation and I'm not a certified specialist that can help you with that.