Title: Back to December
Pairing(s): Finn & Rachel
Rating: PG-13
Word Count:
Warnings: Lots of angst, mild swearing
Summary: Rachel's feelings on her break-up with Finn and how she plans to win him back over. Finchel.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, otherwise it wouldn't be nearly as amazing as it is today! I also don't own Taylor Swift and her songs. I mean, owning Taylor Swift would be weird, right?
Finchel: Back to December
Chapter 1
Rachel, her eyes wet with the hot tears threatening to spill down her cheeks, gazed out the window at the snow tumbling mindlessly down from the sky. The glass panes were icy to the touch on her fingertips, and it hurt so, so bad, but she still didn't move them. It was nothing compared to the pain, the guilt, that shrouded every aspect of her life right now.
It was all her fault that Finn broke up with her, she realized. He lied to her, yes, but she was the one who cheated. She had pushed away the lingering feeling of guilt nibbling at her soul, and went ahead with her foolish plan.
"Damnit!" She yelled suddenly, banging her fists hard enough against the window to make a small crack in the glass. "And I'm not going to fix that. It's not my problem anymore! Nothing's my problem anymore! I, Rachel Berry, quit!" Truthfully, she knew that she was just throwing a very long and drawn-out tantrum that had been going on for two months.
"But yet…" she whispered wistfully to herself, "it's not a tantrum. It's heartache." A tear began to escape her eye, but she blinked fiercely to keep it from spilling over the edge. To keep herself from going over the edge.
If she were Quinn, she'd be down on her knees praying that Finn would come back to her, begging for forgiveness from what she had done. If she were Santana, she would be in another guy's bed right now, feelings forgotten. But, no, she was Rachel, and Rachel liked to express her feelings through song.
The only thing to do? Rachel grabbed her webcam and her laptop, while fumbling
to find the instrumental version of the song she wanted. "The show must go on, even through my heartbreak," she murmured softly, as if trying to comfort herself.
Hitting the play button while simultaneously starting to record, Rachel began to sing, filling the whole bedroom with her voice.
"I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die..."
A single tear trickled down Rachel's cheek, following her jawline, before falling and being absorbed by her shirt. Her eyes turned even puffier and redder, but Rachel managed to clear her closed-up throat and sing again, her normally clear, strong voice wavering slightly.
"So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time
These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed and I didn't call
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side and
Realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came,
The dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye!"
Rachel rubbed her eyes on her sleeve, missing the cue by a couple beats while reminiscing about when she and Finn walked through the Christmas tree farm, singing "Last Christmas." He still distrusted her then, but at least he had agreed to it. She just kept pushing and pushing to try to get what wasn't really there in the first place.
"So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time
I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand
But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine and
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright and
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind and
I go back to December all the time..."
With stifled weeping, Rachel shut off the webcam while her video was being uploaded to her MySpace profile. At this point, she didn't even care if Santana and Sue Sylvester made her angst a number-one hit on YouTube, didn't care if the whole world saw her crying. She just wanted Finn back.
Deep in her heart, when she told Mercedes and Kurt at a sleepover that the three divas were better off single to pursue their dreams, she felt as if not being with Finn was the one thing grounding her to Lima. Brooding over the break-up day and night, Rachel had even skipped her workout session a couple mornings, and had started sleeping in later. Her dads were wondering what was wrong, but she didn't say a word.
She clasped the star necklace that Finn gave her, and whispered silently to herself, just wishing, dreaming.
Rachel sat down on her bed, and, tipping backwards so she could lie down on her back, let out all of her pain into a never-ending, heartrending sob.