Disclaimer: I don't own any of the TPM cast (though Obi and Maul can be my slaves if they want!!) or Uncle George. No offense meant. This is only the first edition. I know it's short, but I do have some more. I just haven't typed them up yet!! When I think of some more (suggestions are welcome - you will be credited) then I'll update this. For now though, this is all ya can have!! Thanks for reading!
The Phantom Menace out-takes (FIRST EDITION)
Obi: [walks in front of the camera and grins] Hi there! I'm Jedi Kenobi! I was the one who found this out-takes tape, so I'm the one who gets to introduce it!!
[He is suddenly pushed out of the way and replaced by Darth Maul]
Maul: The Jedi lies. I was the one who found the tape. [waves a hand in a Jedi-like way] I am the true presenter of these out-takes...
Obi: [stands up and thumps Maul. He then waves his own hand in a Jedi-like manner] These aren't the droids you're looking for...
Maul: [from floor] Wrong movie you idiot!
George Lucas: [off-screen] Is someone messing with my camera?!
[Space]
[The Death star with a rubber ring... I mean, the Trade Federation command ship, is floating in space]
Obi: [V.O.] Wow... You can't even see the strings! [There is a sound like an irritated Jedi Master whacking his Padawan over the back of the head]
[The Trade Federation Command Ship]
[Nute Gunray and Rune Haako are getting ready to contact Darth Sidious. The hologram pops up, to reveal Sidious in a silly hat]
Sidious: Sith R' Us. All modern perceptions of the Dark side catered for and lived up to... Free your hatred, join the... [realises his mistake as Rune and Nute collapse in laughter] Wait a second... Maul told me that filming wasn't going to start until tomorrow...
[We see Maul run off the set very quickly, muttering something about getting a good head-start]
[Trade Federation Ship]
[Qui is about to slice through the blast doors of the bridge. Obi is stood - ready for attacks]
Qui: [sinks his saber into the blast doors and twists] That's got it... WAGH!
[Obi turns just in time to see Qui disappear through the door]
Qui: Alright... Who switched the metal door for the plastic one?
[Off-screen, Rabe and Sabe are sniggering. George gives them an evil look and waves an arm]
George: Do that again... [The two handmaids prepare to replace another metal door with a paper one this time] NO! Not the joke! The scene!! [puts head in hands] This is why I work with special effects all the time...
[Naboo's forest]
Jar-Jar: [does complicated dive into the water, watched by two incredulous Jedi] Yousa follow me now Oki-de... [He trails off. Obi and Qui pause - sensing a disturbance in the Force (and the water) Jar-Jar splashes] Whatin dat?
[A big fish leaps up and swallows him]
Obi: Cool! [is slapped across the back of the head by Qui]
George: [to Darth Maul and Darth Sidious - who are both sniggering] I thought you checked this water for carniverous fish?
Sidious: [shrugs] Must have... missed that one...
Maul: [under breath] Or released it into the water...
The Crew: OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED JAR-JAR!!
[Naboo Cruiser]
Ric Olie: Shield generator's been hit!
Panaka: This is terrible... We're done for...
Obi: [smirking slightly] Perhaps if I state the obvious for the entire movie, I can come away looking fairly credible!
[Ric seems not to notice as R2-D2 fixes the shield generator]
Ric: That little droid did it!
Panaka: We're not saved yet...
Qui: [smirking as well] If stating the obvious doesn't work, then I'll have to make everything sound worse than it is!
Ric: [still oblivious] The hyperdrive is leaking... There's not enough power to get us to Coruscant...
Panaka: We're done for!!
Qui: [monotone] We'll have to land somewhere to refuel and repair the ship...
Obi: Agh! You've caught the "Stating the obvious" virus as well! [Obi proceeds to bat all three of them away] Uncleeeean!
Qui: [continuing] But if we can't land, then we're finished...
Obi: [fakes a heart attack] My own Master... Stating the obvious as well as turning into a pessimist... No wonder I end up as a hermit on Tatooine!
Qui: Look over there... [points and is trying not to laugh] It's space! [changes tone] But if we're not careful, it might destroy us...
[Ric and Panaka finally cotton on and whack Qui with the nearest inanimate object]
Artoo: Beep beep BLEEEP! (Translation: PUT ME DOWN!)
[Tatooine]
[Everyone is working on the Pod Racer]
Anakin: Hey Jar-Jar. Why don't you put your hand in that beam?
Jar-Jar: Whysa?
Anakin: [stifles a giggle] Well, it's really cool, but it won't be a surprise if I tell you...
Jar-Jar: Oki-dey... Whatever yousa say...
[He sticks his hand in the beam and explodes. Anakin and Kitster look on in amazement as they are covered in Gungan entrails]
Anakin: That was cool.
Kitster: No shit...
The Crew: OH MY GOD!! YOU KILLED JAR-JAR!!
Lone voice: Again...
The Crew: HURRAH!
George: [shakes head] TAKE TWO!! [pulls an inflatable Jar-Jar out of a box and hands it to a cameraman] Start blowing...
TAKE TWO...
Anakin: [is aware that George is pointing a shotgun at his back] Hey Jar-Jar... Stay away from that beam... If you get your hand caught in that it's gonna go numb for hours.
[Jar-Jar nods and drops his spanner. Suddenly, Darth Maul and Obi-Wan - both dressed in Hawaiian shirts and shorts - run on and push Jar-Jar into the beam headfirst]
Jar-Jar: [lying on the floor drooling] My head... My head is fat... and numb...
Maul: No change there then!!! [high-fives Obi and runs off]
[Amidala is stood by the window, staring out onto the city of Coruscant. Jar-Jar is stood behind her]
Jar-Jar: Wesa no dyin' widout a fight. Wesa warriors... Wesa gotta...
[He continues, not noticing that Sabe and Rabe are stood behind him, pulling faces and mimicking him. Amidala can see their reflection in the window and is trying not to laugh]
George: Alright you two... Don't mess up another scene...
LATER THAT SCENE:
Amidala: Who else has been nominated?
Panaka: Bail Antilles of Alderaan and Eli Teem of Malastare
Palpatine: I believe our situation will create a strong sympathy vote... [Moves to sit down] I will be... WOAHH!!
THUD
[Sabe, Rabe and Amidala are now in hysterics. Rabe is holding one of the legs of the chair that Palpatine was supposed to sit on]
George: [storms on the set brandishing a rusty looking scapel] THAT'S IT!!!
[Sabe and Rabe run off, with George chasing them]
[The Gungan vs Battle Droid scene]
[The battle droids are advancing on the Gungan army, and have just walked through the shield]
Tarpals: FIRE!!
[The Gungan warriors start to fire, but soon stop as they realise that the energy balls are somewhat different...]
Tarpals: [picks one up] Paint?! Whata dis doin' here?
[He does not notice the battle droids and Gungans behind him start a full-scale paintball fight]
Jar-Jar: [stands on top of one of the battle tanks and yells] PAINTENBALL FIGHT!!!
[He is quickly covered head to toe in paint as everyone scrambles to find a paintball and throw it at him]
[The cool lightsaber fight]
[Maul, Obi and Qui are fighting on a catwalk. Maul turns and kicks Obi off]
Obi: Hoooooooooooooooooooooly Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!
THUD
George: That's not the line Kenobi and you know it. Take Two.
[Obi scowls, picks himself up and slowly starts to trudge back up to the top of the catwalk]
TAKE TWO...
Obi: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!
THUD
George: Damnit Kenobi! You're supposed to be silent!
Obi: [stands up and scowls] You expect me to be totally silent as I fall FIFTY FREAKING FEET ONTO A HARD SURFACE WITH AN AUDIBLE THUD?!
George: [consults script] Yup.
Maul and Qui: [from above] Aaaaah-hah-hah!!
TAKE THREE...
Obi: .................................................. eep...
THUD
George: [throws script to floor] That's IT! Time for desperate measures!!
TAKE FOUR...
[Obi falls to the floor silently and hits it with the audible thud noise]
George: Good! CUT!!
[Two stage hands go on and help Obi to get up. We see that he has tape over his mouth]
Obi: [muffled] Mff mffle mmmmmff!!!! [spies Maul and Qui laughing at him and points] MFF MFFY MFFFFFF MF!! [stalks off]
The Phantom Menace out-takes (FIRST EDITION)
Obi: [walks in front of the camera and grins] Hi there! I'm Jedi Kenobi! I was the one who found this out-takes tape, so I'm the one who gets to introduce it!!
[He is suddenly pushed out of the way and replaced by Darth Maul]
Maul: The Jedi lies. I was the one who found the tape. [waves a hand in a Jedi-like way] I am the true presenter of these out-takes...
Obi: [stands up and thumps Maul. He then waves his own hand in a Jedi-like manner] These aren't the droids you're looking for...
Maul: [from floor] Wrong movie you idiot!
George Lucas: [off-screen] Is someone messing with my camera?!
[Space]
[The Death star with a rubber ring... I mean, the Trade Federation command ship, is floating in space]
Obi: [V.O.] Wow... You can't even see the strings! [There is a sound like an irritated Jedi Master whacking his Padawan over the back of the head]
[The Trade Federation Command Ship]
[Nute Gunray and Rune Haako are getting ready to contact Darth Sidious. The hologram pops up, to reveal Sidious in a silly hat]
Sidious: Sith R' Us. All modern perceptions of the Dark side catered for and lived up to... Free your hatred, join the... [realises his mistake as Rune and Nute collapse in laughter] Wait a second... Maul told me that filming wasn't going to start until tomorrow...
[We see Maul run off the set very quickly, muttering something about getting a good head-start]
[Trade Federation Ship]
[Qui is about to slice through the blast doors of the bridge. Obi is stood - ready for attacks]
Qui: [sinks his saber into the blast doors and twists] That's got it... WAGH!
[Obi turns just in time to see Qui disappear through the door]
Qui: Alright... Who switched the metal door for the plastic one?
[Off-screen, Rabe and Sabe are sniggering. George gives them an evil look and waves an arm]
George: Do that again... [The two handmaids prepare to replace another metal door with a paper one this time] NO! Not the joke! The scene!! [puts head in hands] This is why I work with special effects all the time...
[Naboo's forest]
Jar-Jar: [does complicated dive into the water, watched by two incredulous Jedi] Yousa follow me now Oki-de... [He trails off. Obi and Qui pause - sensing a disturbance in the Force (and the water) Jar-Jar splashes] Whatin dat?
[A big fish leaps up and swallows him]
Obi: Cool! [is slapped across the back of the head by Qui]
George: [to Darth Maul and Darth Sidious - who are both sniggering] I thought you checked this water for carniverous fish?
Sidious: [shrugs] Must have... missed that one...
Maul: [under breath] Or released it into the water...
The Crew: OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED JAR-JAR!!
[Naboo Cruiser]
Ric Olie: Shield generator's been hit!
Panaka: This is terrible... We're done for...
Obi: [smirking slightly] Perhaps if I state the obvious for the entire movie, I can come away looking fairly credible!
[Ric seems not to notice as R2-D2 fixes the shield generator]
Ric: That little droid did it!
Panaka: We're not saved yet...
Qui: [smirking as well] If stating the obvious doesn't work, then I'll have to make everything sound worse than it is!
Ric: [still oblivious] The hyperdrive is leaking... There's not enough power to get us to Coruscant...
Panaka: We're done for!!
Qui: [monotone] We'll have to land somewhere to refuel and repair the ship...
Obi: Agh! You've caught the "Stating the obvious" virus as well! [Obi proceeds to bat all three of them away] Uncleeeean!
Qui: [continuing] But if we can't land, then we're finished...
Obi: [fakes a heart attack] My own Master... Stating the obvious as well as turning into a pessimist... No wonder I end up as a hermit on Tatooine!
Qui: Look over there... [points and is trying not to laugh] It's space! [changes tone] But if we're not careful, it might destroy us...
[Ric and Panaka finally cotton on and whack Qui with the nearest inanimate object]
Artoo: Beep beep BLEEEP! (Translation: PUT ME DOWN!)
[Tatooine]
[Everyone is working on the Pod Racer]
Anakin: Hey Jar-Jar. Why don't you put your hand in that beam?
Jar-Jar: Whysa?
Anakin: [stifles a giggle] Well, it's really cool, but it won't be a surprise if I tell you...
Jar-Jar: Oki-dey... Whatever yousa say...
[He sticks his hand in the beam and explodes. Anakin and Kitster look on in amazement as they are covered in Gungan entrails]
Anakin: That was cool.
Kitster: No shit...
The Crew: OH MY GOD!! YOU KILLED JAR-JAR!!
Lone voice: Again...
The Crew: HURRAH!
George: [shakes head] TAKE TWO!! [pulls an inflatable Jar-Jar out of a box and hands it to a cameraman] Start blowing...
TAKE TWO...
Anakin: [is aware that George is pointing a shotgun at his back] Hey Jar-Jar... Stay away from that beam... If you get your hand caught in that it's gonna go numb for hours.
[Jar-Jar nods and drops his spanner. Suddenly, Darth Maul and Obi-Wan - both dressed in Hawaiian shirts and shorts - run on and push Jar-Jar into the beam headfirst]
Jar-Jar: [lying on the floor drooling] My head... My head is fat... and numb...
Maul: No change there then!!! [high-fives Obi and runs off]
[Amidala is stood by the window, staring out onto the city of Coruscant. Jar-Jar is stood behind her]
Jar-Jar: Wesa no dyin' widout a fight. Wesa warriors... Wesa gotta...
[He continues, not noticing that Sabe and Rabe are stood behind him, pulling faces and mimicking him. Amidala can see their reflection in the window and is trying not to laugh]
George: Alright you two... Don't mess up another scene...
LATER THAT SCENE:
Amidala: Who else has been nominated?
Panaka: Bail Antilles of Alderaan and Eli Teem of Malastare
Palpatine: I believe our situation will create a strong sympathy vote... [Moves to sit down] I will be... WOAHH!!
THUD
[Sabe, Rabe and Amidala are now in hysterics. Rabe is holding one of the legs of the chair that Palpatine was supposed to sit on]
George: [storms on the set brandishing a rusty looking scapel] THAT'S IT!!!
[Sabe and Rabe run off, with George chasing them]
[The Gungan vs Battle Droid scene]
[The battle droids are advancing on the Gungan army, and have just walked through the shield]
Tarpals: FIRE!!
[The Gungan warriors start to fire, but soon stop as they realise that the energy balls are somewhat different...]
Tarpals: [picks one up] Paint?! Whata dis doin' here?
[He does not notice the battle droids and Gungans behind him start a full-scale paintball fight]
Jar-Jar: [stands on top of one of the battle tanks and yells] PAINTENBALL FIGHT!!!
[He is quickly covered head to toe in paint as everyone scrambles to find a paintball and throw it at him]
[The cool lightsaber fight]
[Maul, Obi and Qui are fighting on a catwalk. Maul turns and kicks Obi off]
Obi: Hoooooooooooooooooooooly Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!
THUD
George: That's not the line Kenobi and you know it. Take Two.
[Obi scowls, picks himself up and slowly starts to trudge back up to the top of the catwalk]
TAKE TWO...
Obi: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!
THUD
George: Damnit Kenobi! You're supposed to be silent!
Obi: [stands up and scowls] You expect me to be totally silent as I fall FIFTY FREAKING FEET ONTO A HARD SURFACE WITH AN AUDIBLE THUD?!
George: [consults script] Yup.
Maul and Qui: [from above] Aaaaah-hah-hah!!
TAKE THREE...
Obi: .................................................. eep...
THUD
George: [throws script to floor] That's IT! Time for desperate measures!!
TAKE FOUR...
[Obi falls to the floor silently and hits it with the audible thud noise]
George: Good! CUT!!
[Two stage hands go on and help Obi to get up. We see that he has tape over his mouth]
Obi: [muffled] Mff mffle mmmmmff!!!! [spies Maul and Qui laughing at him and points] MFF MFFY MFFFFFF MF!! [stalks off]