Red
You'd think that I'd have a little more sense than to fall for the one guy I could never have. It wasn't my fault; he was my best friend. It was bound to happen, or at least that was what I maintain whenever my brother confronts me about it. Louis says that I'm stupid. He says that I could have any other boy I wanted and the fact that I fell for the one I couldn't have frankly showed a lack of sense on my part.
I love Louis, I do, and I'm much closer to him than I am to my sister Dominique, even though Louis's four years younger than I am. However, Louis inherited our mother's no nonsense standpoint whereas I instead … well, I'm not sure what I got, but it certainly wasn't my father's Gryffindor-esque daring.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not an idiot. I know that I have little chance with Teddy, but loving him just makes me feel so alive. I feel better when I'm in love with him than I did with any other boyfriend I've had and I'm not sure why. It's as though we just fit together in a way that no other two people do; the only flaw being that he doesn't see it at all. I've never asked him how he feels about me; I thought it wiser to just love him from his side as a best friend without potentially ruining our friendship. Plus, I think if I asked him how he felt and he said he didn't feel the same as I did then I'd just die. I'm not entirely sure I could handle it.
Louis says that I should have some nerve for once and ask him out.
I can't, though. Ted's bound to guess that I'm in love with him if I ask him out. If I arrange a Hogsmeade trip with some mutual friends, or something, it wouldn't be as good as it would be when we're on our own; if I ask him out on our own then he might see right through it all.
Things were so much easier when I didn't love him. I wasn't supposed to, either. Originally, we were best friends, which was the way we both wanted it and the way it had been for as long as either of us could remember. Then Harvey came along, Ted's best friend after me, and I thought I was in love. I even went as far as getting Ted to talk to him for me, which is something I never do. I normally have confidence when it comes to boys, but I thought it would work better if Ted talked to him and tried to find out if Harvey liked me. Harvey didn't, to cut a long story short, but recently that's not what's been bothering me. You see, out of nowhere – and I mean this literally, because I'm not sure myself how it happened – I fell for Ted. I don't know why and I don't know how, but it's driving me insane and nothing Louis or my friends say can make any difference.
I'm sure he must know. We have a few lessons together, even though we're in different houses. He's a Gryffindor whereas I'm a Ravenclaw, but we see each other sometimes at lunch or the like. Whenever I see him, I'm paranoid that he knows. It's quite strong paranoia, too, the kind that's worry and stress all in one.
Still, I can't help joking with him when he walks back from Quidditch practise, the scarlet of his robes clashing horribly with his hair that's so like fire. I can't help watching him out of the corner of my eye when we're sitting in the Transfiguration courtyard alone together and the autumn cold turns his cheeks pink, as he watches groups of younger students toss burnt orange leaves at each other.
I can't help it, and I know that if he catches me eyeing him up questions will form fast on his lips which I have no answer to, but it's not my fault. I didn't choose to fall in love with him; it just happened. Louis says that that's ridiculous: of course I had a choice; I just chose not to listen to the sensible voice inside my head.
Like he would know. I love Louis, I do, but he just doesn't understand it when I tell him I can't help it. He doesn't get what I mean when I say that loving Ted is like trying to change your mind when you're already flying through the free fall. I can't stop it; I wasn't aware that I was in so deep until it hit me; plus, there's a tiny little part of me that doesn't want to stop.
Why should I give up on one of the few things that have ever made me truly feel alive? It's as pointless as asking Rose Weasley to give up reading. It's addictive – he's addictive – and there is no way I want to lose out on the likelihood of this actually working out. Ted's had girlfriends before; not as many as I have had boyfriends, but still a small number. If he didn't see me as his best friend he could fall in love with me, and I know it. There's a possibility, however small and insignificant that is, of me and him getting together and living happily ever after.
Not to mention the fact that I can't actually give up on him. I'm not sure whether that's because I don't want to or because I physically can't; it's undoubtedly a mixture of both. It's as though I've accidentally memorised his face and no other boy I speak to will ever match up. When I liked Harvey, it was simple. I fantasised about us getting together, but at the end of the day that's all it was – a fantasy. With Ted, though, it's real. It's strong and it fills me up and it drives me completely insane and I can't handle it one bit.
With his red and gold Gryffindor tie – because red's my favourite colour, don't you know? – and his ever-changing hair that seems to be so permanently stuck on a vivid shade of scarlet that makes him look like Dominique's older brother – because they get on in a more lively and fun way than I do, how can I ever compare? – and the way I toss the crimson Quaffle at his nose after his Quidditch practise and it misses by near centimetres – becauseI like playing with fire and the rush of him showing emotion at things I do just completes me – he's made for me, and he doesn't realise it.
Of course, I do realise that chances are in the favour of this all being pointless; I'm not that stupid, no matter what Louis says. I do understand that there's a strong likelihood of us never getting together or working out and me being stuck at his side as I watch him grow and fawn over more beautiful girls than me; still, it's so easy to be in love with him. It's so absolutely simple, and I expect that's what I, as a Ravenclaw, am drawn into: the simplicity of falling for the one guy that's been there all along. Realising that all I've ever wanted has been there since the start, and I never stopped to consider it until I was thrown heels over head into the passion and brightness of love.
So I throw myself even further into it because who's there to stop me? And I laugh with him, and I stare at him harder than ever, hoping that somehow I could programme his brain or read his thoughts and find out how he really feels, and I pick a fight with him because I want him to feel something other than friendship towards me.
And he yells as I do just that, and his hair turns blood red and he asks why you would even think such a thing, of course he doesn't fancy your sister (which I know, of course, but would that stop me?) and I scream at him and unleash everything I feel without telling him so – I turn the loving passion into fury, and the rush of blind red anger sparks through me as he throws his head back laughing and starts to hate me for what I'm doing.
Before I know it, Dominique and Louis are at my side; Dom's face screwed up in confusion as she judges what's going on and chooses him; stands beside him and maintains furiously that they'd never happen. I know that; everyone knows that. Louis doesn't even say anything; he just stands there with his Hufflepuff innocence, his bright eyes weighing up what I'm trying to do and before he can even understand I'm pushing past my siblings and grabbing Ted by his tie and staring into his olive eyes – and he looks at me, calmly, trying to stare past my act into what my motives really are, but he can't tell. I've learned to keep how I feel about him hidden, buried, and it makes me hate myself when I realise that he'll never figure it out. He's just assuming that I'm arguing with him because I'm protective over Dom and nothing he can say will ever make any difference. So he pushes me off and storms away, Dom giving me a look of contempt before doing the same; Louis slipping his young hand into mine and squeezing it tight until my skin around his fingers turns pink. I look at him and the fight and the rush of passion leaves me as his baby blue eyes, finally, understand.