Title: Still Looks The Same
Beta: None
Rating: Teen
Disclaimer: I'm planning on inventing a cocktail and naming it after Chris Colfer (hey, Shirley Temple got one, why can't he), but nope, not mine
Warnings: Depression issues, mentions attempted suicide, may have a slight possibility of triggering something
Spoilers: None
Pairing: Kurt/Finn
Summary: It's a strange thing for Kurt, to have Finn love him, and be so happy, but really, he thinks too much
A/N1: Sequel to 'Somebody To Lean On'
Title comes from 'Tequila Sunrise' by The Eagles
Still Looks The Same
"Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?" Finn whispered from behind, smiling against his cheek, affectionate and worshipping. They were cuddling on Kurt's bed, his back to Finn's chest, strong arms holding him tight. It was some strange euphoria, being with him, as never in his wildest dreams had he thought this possible.
Kurt would freely admit that life at McKinley High sometimes seemed right out of some prime time teen comedy drama, although for the most part, he wasn't in the starring role. No, that spotlight firmly belonged to Rachel and BabyGate and Finn, that bizarre love quadrangle, hell, even Mr Schue went through more scandal than he did. And that was the way Kurt liked it. Oh sure, he was a huge drama queen, but there was good publicity and there was bad publicity, and Kurt didn't like his secrets getting out. He didn't want anyone knowing his private business, knowing about his anti-depressants- imagine the fun Jewfro would have with that. There had been a big enough fuss when he and Finn came out.
In all honesty, Kurt didn't often closely examine the relationship he and Finn had, in the spirit of not looking a gift horse in the mouth. It was unexpected and startling, too good to be true. But he liked what he had with Finn, and Finn liked what he had with Kurt. It made them both happier than they had ever been before.
And that sounded like a line straight from some sappy romcom. But real life didn't always work out that way, not like it did in books and movies and TV. That was far too idealistic. There was a lot of hurt between them, a lot of baggage, piled on top of the usual teenage angst, with Kurt's depression and Finn's betrayal. They were tired and bitter and screwed up, too young to really deal with this, but truly, they had each other.
Something which Kurt, he is ashamed to admit to now, had doubted in the beginning. It had all been just so sudden, that day in spring break when Finn declared his love for him, so unbelievable, the straight boy Kurt had been in love with since he was fifteen turning around and saying he loved him back, that he really hadn't expected it to last for very long. He'd tried to not get his hopes up, to be content with whatever Finn gave him, to just be an experiment, a silly little fling. He'd tried not to get his hopes up, and he failed, but in the end it didn't matter because Finn defied, and continued to defy, his every expectation. He should've learned by now not to underestimate Finn. The boy was smarter than he looked, with hidden depths and unknown agendas. He was very emotionally perceptive, even if he did get confused at times, and was a constant source of support for Kurt. Nothing in this world is perfect, but what they had, whatever it was, came pretty close.
The first day back after spring break, Kurt had thought that the moment he stepped through those doors to the school, Finn wouldn't want anything to do with him, wouldn't want to damage the scrap of a reputation he had left, wouldn't even give him the time of day. He did not expect Finn to meet him at his locker and kiss him senseless, for the whole school to see. He really didn't expect Finn to hold his hand at lunch, or walk him to his classes. He would have never expected Finn to sing him a love song in Glee. He really had no idea that Finn would out them so suddenly and with no hesitation, and as such had had no time to ponder over what the reactions of their friends might have been.
Later, he realised that it had actually turned out fairly well. Artie, Tina and Mercedes all threatened Finn serious bodily harm if he ever broke Kurt's heart, Brittany had squealed at how cute they were, Santana had rolled her eyes but agreed with Brit to keep her happy, Matt's only complaint was to tone down some of the PDA's, and Mike had even suggested throwing a party for them. The idea was vetoed, but the gesture had been sweet enough. Quinn's reaction wasn't all that important to Kurt, but he caught her looking at him sometimes, either with so much regret and pain he actually felt sympathy for her, or with something akin to gladness that he was with Finn, that Kurt cared enough to never hurt him. Rachel's reaction was the one he looked most closely for; at first, she'd been far too shocked to do anything, but she'd soon taken to staring at them with jealousy, obviously quite pissed off that Finn had ended up with Kurt. He'd never really rubbed it in her face, was a good boy and even tried to be civil to her though, and he knew that Finn had had a couple of conversations with her; he couldn't help his own jealously sneak up on him then, but had never said anything, resolved to accept the fact that if Finn really wanted Rachel, they would end up together. But after a while, she seemed to soften to the idea of them as a couple, hell, they all even bonded a little. He knew now that they had her total support.
Puck's reaction had been the most interesting to date in the end; he'd somehow become their personal bodyguard. Whenever a jock approached either of them, no matter their intent and the fact Finn was big enough to take care of himself, he just appeared out of nowhere, full of badass intimidation to protect them. Took to growling at random jocks every time they walked past. He hadn't been slushied or dumper dived in weeks. Kurt saw the mopey look he sometimes wore, however. He and Finn still weren't talking, despite the fact that Quinn had had their daughter (she was in a foster home right now, until it was decided if she was put up for adoption or raised by her teenage parents), and Kurt knew that it was hard on them both. He wasn't particularly fond of Puck, but he'd turned out to be an ally rather than an enemy, and Finn needed him, even if he didn't fully realise it. Puck cared about Finn enough to want his friendship back, to accept him despite having been slightly homophobic in the past. Kurt believed that he should work to earn Finn's forgiveness, but that grudges were pointless to hold for very long. Their friendship had been important to both of them, and he had resolved to try and help repair it.
The hardest thing to accept about it all was the fact that Finn had apparently just suddenly decided that he was gay and in love with Kurt. He knew why Finn's relationship with Quinn had failed, discounting the fact that she betrayed him and lied to him for months- she'd been too controlling, too concerned with popularity, insecure and bitchy. Rachel had also been a factor; he knew why they didn't work out, either. They'd always had an amazing chemistry, sounded good together and were pretty close, but Rachel had come on too strong, hadn't given Finn the time he needed to really get over Finn. He needed to find out who he was, to figure out how he was doing and coping with it all. Rachel had thrown herself at him at the first chance, had gone high maintenance and crazy clingy. By the time that Finn wanted to be with Rachel, she'd moved on. And that's when he first really noticed Kurt.
Oh, the boy was still attracted to girls, still checked them out sometimes, he was a mostly straight hormonal teenage male after all. The 'mostly straight' part was the important part; although he was mainly attracted to females, in his own words, Kurt was "just too special and beautiful and wonderful not to notice, y'know, dude", that he was deeply and unquestionably in love with him. And Kurt loved him back, completely and honestly. It didn't seem like this was designed to last- few high school relationships lasted long, were never really considered true, mature, real love, just hormones and feelings and inexperience. But this was pretty damn fucking real. No matter how long it was for, it was love, pure and simple. It was a scary thing for Kurt, giving his heart away, trusting someone so very deeply, letting them see every shade and every shadow, every freckle and every flaw. That's what really convinced him that this was real, that they were in it for the long haul- he'd bared his soul to Finn, and he hadn't walked away at all. Just drawn him closer and told him his own deep dark secrets.
Which led to Kurt thinking about his depression- about his issues and his problems and his pills. He didn't like to analyse it very often, because no one likes to dwell on what's wrong with them for very long, but that had been a major part of it. He can't remember if his childhood was happy or not; he assumes that it was, until his mother died. That was something not related to his depression, a whole other thing of grief and sadness, but God, had it been hard. Growing up without her, Kurt had grown to enjoy life less than others seem to. There just seemed to be so little happiness in his life. He had his father, but although Kurt loved him dearly, they hadn't been very close. He'd had no friends, just a sense of loneliness that permeated his entire being, an isolation deep and hurting. When the bullying started, the negative emotions only got worse. He felt worthless, absolutely worthless, like his life had never really mattered, his situation so very hopeless. It hurt so very much. They made him feel so bad about himself, so weak and pathetic. He hated himself, he truly hated himself. He was young, had not yet built up thick walls to keep people out, developed thick skin to not let their words and pranks hurt, had not yet created the arrogant, haughty mask that would conceal his emotions well. They got to him, got so in his head that he believed every word they said. The bullying wasn't the cause of his depression, but it sure made it a hell of a lot worse. He hid it all from his father, the slushies and the dumpsters and the names, hid his pain away, kept it all bottled up, let it mount and build and ache, until something snapped and he did the stupidest thing he would ever do.
Looking back on it, his suicide attempt had been a desperate cry for help rather than a real desire to end his life. Oh sure, at the time he had really honestly believed that the world would have been better off without him that day, that he was worthless and that everybody would be happier if he had never been born, but now he realises how much of a lie that is. It had been an impulse move, sitting in the bathtub and slitting his wrists after school one horrible day, not even a note saying goodbye. If his father hadn't come home early and found him passed out and staunched the bleeding, Kurt would have died, would have thrown his life away all because of some stupid words said by some stupid people.
Then came therapy, and they were wary about putting him onto anti-depressants, because of all those side effects, including the risk of actually increasing his suicidal thoughts and desires, but living with those pills was a lot better than living without them. The numbness, the absolute utter emptiness, was the hardest to get used to, but he was relieved to say that he soon got used to it, and even actually began to feel some happiness again. He'd been on the pills for about two years when he joined Glee, and although at times the little club has caused him deep heartache, joining it was probably the smartest thing he ever did. He got real friends; Mercedes, Artie and Tina all accepted and loved him. They made no fuss over his problems; after he told them, they barely treated him any different, but they all seemed to grow closer together. They sometimes did little things for him if he was having a bad day, showing their friendship through little gestures that meant so much to him. It was somewhat odd for him, not holding people at arm's length, but it was good. It was progress. After his relapse and having to go on Prozac, they'd been a particular factor in easing his mind of anxieties. Didn't call him out on his bitchiness (Mercedes had managed to perfect the 'annoyed-but-understanding-eyeroll'), didn't comment on the few side affects they saw (Artie once stayed with him in the bathroom as he threw up; hell, he sang to cover up any awkward silences), didn't even mind him falling asleep on them (in his defence, Tina was singing a lullaby) and had accepted his reluctance to spend much time with them as he adapted. Kurt had no idea what the rest of the Glee club would do if they ever found out (he shudders every time he pictures how Rachel might react; it ain't pretty) but he's never really worried about it. It's not that big of a deal. This was a part of him, would be perhaps forever, but it was just one part of him. Kurt Hummel was not defined by the boys he liked, the clothes he wore, the pills he took, the songs he sang; these were the layers of his personality, of his life. This is who he is.
Finn's treatment of his depression is to listen to everything Kurt has to say, to listen to every little problem Kurt has, to see every colour of his being, and to tell his own tale. To talk and discuss his own problems, his own issues. As previously established, they trusted each other, deeply and completely. Finn didn't see it as a weakness, as something being broken about Kurt, didn't see it as something affecting their lives and their relationship. He was still getting used to the whole gay thing after two months together, and the depression thing was a walk in the park compared to that. He did his best to make Kurt happy and keep him happy, and Kurt did the same for him.
The worst thing about it all, however, was the coldness. It was something that had been seeping into Kurt for years, until he finally had taken notice of it, something that was a part of his depression that no therapy or medicine could cure; a bone deep, constant coldness that he carried with him, always. He just felt cold all the time. It didn't matter if it was the hottest day of the year, if he was burning up with a fever, if he was singing and dancing and sweating; he felt cold. It was nothing physical, not bad circulation or anything like that, he just felt a chill, no matter the circumstances. He felt tired, so tired of it all, like everything was bitter ashes in his mouth. It was often ignored in lieu of the joy he did get out of life, of the happiness that he had, and he didn't ruminate on it that much, but sometimes it got pretty bad. It got so cold, the sort of cold of a deep winter, the sort of cold where you take a deep breath and it hurts, the sort of cold where your mind can't work and everything just feels numb; the cold that ached, that weighed him down, that stopped him smiling. He hated that cold more than anything. He longed for warmth, to feel like everything was alright, really alright, to feel something other than this oppressing cloud of everything that was wrong. His soul yearned for happiness, and he was beginning to think that it was hopeless.
"What do you like best about me?" Finn suddenly asked, bringing him back to the present as he spoke lowly into Kurt's ear, still embracing him lovingly from behind. It felt right, being in his arms. Kurt didn't even have to consider his answer.
"You're so warm."
Title: Still Looks The Same
Author: sj_r
Beta: None
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I'm planning on inventing a cocktail and naming it after Chris Colfer (hey, Shirley Temple got one, why can't he), but nope, not mine
Warnings: Depression issues, mentions attempted suicide, may have a slight possibility of triggering something
Spoilers: None
Word Count: 2,768
Summary: It's a strange thing for Kurt, to have Finn love him, and be so happy, but really, he thinks too much
A/N1: Sequel to 'Somebody To Lean On'; go read that first. This has the potential to become a series. If it does, I need a 'verse name. This is set in the future of Glee, starting around the time that spring break is in America, and was begun without seeing the back nine. So it's very AU.
A/N2: -waves- Hi Diane!
A/N3: Title comes from 'Tequila Sunrise' by The Eagles