A/N: Sequel to PARTNERSHIP, read it! Inspired by the song 'Lollipop' by Chordettes. Since I love the commercial, but people singing it over and over drives me crazy. And because I find it amusing. PS: Any jackasses that point out Tobi and Madara are the same, go die, I know that, BUT I find Akatsuki to be bleak and dull without my darling Tobi. So suck it. Enjoy the story! :D
Summary: "This atrocity must be stopped." Kisame said darkly and surveyed the room in a suspicios manner, talking about the horrible, horrible situation they had on their hands.
"Could you stop singing sempai?" [Akatsuki crack] [ItaDei]
Word count: 1881
Lollipop
Nine of the ten Akatsuki members were gathered in a circle, like supercriminals did once in a while. Propped in a corner they were doing something very uncriminal-like. They were planning the stopping/complete destruction of something diabolical and very much evil.
"This atrocity must be stopped." Kisame said darkly and surveyed the room in a suspicios manner, talking about the horrible, horrible, horrible situation they had on their hands.
"I agree." Pein followed even more darkly and furrowed his brow.
"I will annihilate it should the condition consist longer than twentyfour hours." Madara stated clearly, pointed ominously to each and everyone standing in the circle with his long finger. "You have been informed beforehand of the conditions."
He stalked off, his aura insanely dark and... pointy. Do not stick fingers within reach, they could be bitten clean off. Scratch that, they will be bitten clean off.
"Make it stop." Konan whined like a wounded giraffe from her crouching position on the floor, hands clamped tightly in a vice-grip over her ears. They were bleeding.
She should probably ease up her grip on them.
"I don't think it's that bad." Sasori said, shrugging.
It was unfair of him to say that really since he had unscrewed his ears and thrown them away in the river outside their ever so secret hideout.
He was at the moment enjoying the sound of lovely waves and the pitterpatter of adorable woodland creatures running along the beach hand in hand.
"Yeah!" Tobi chimed in. "I kind of like it! Tobi likes good m–!"
Kakuzu slapped Tobi in the face, sending him flying into the wall. It was quite understandable, the circle agreed as they unamiously nodded. Anyone claiming the situation these supervillains were stuck in was acceptable should suffer the consequenses.
And of course, as Tobi ranked lower than Sasori, he recieved the punishment.
"He would make an excellent sacrifice for Jashin-sama!" Hidan exclaimed and carefully swung his scythe around (Kakuzu had told him it was dangerous to swing it around without caution).
"We will not sacrifice him to your imaginary God, Hidan." Kisame said and rolled his eyes. "Anyway, how do we solve this –"
"JASHIN-SAMA'S VENGANCE UPON YOU WILL BE SWIFT AND PAINF–"
"Shut up." Kakuzu snapped at his agitated partner.
"Jashin-sama would –"
"Shut up."
"JASHIN-SAMA WILL –"
"Hidan, I will take your scythe away from you."
"..."
"So what do we do?" Kisame enquired again. He gave his own partner, Itachi, a look.
He recieved a blank look staring back.
The Uchiha had been silent for the entire meeting, but they all assumed he was as furious and tortured as the rest of them. Uchihas were by birth very furious and tortured on the inside.
Zetsu spoke up for the first time; "We think we should set up a scheme. This... situation... will not resolve itself."
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah –"
"Konan, be quiet." Black Zetsu snapped to the wailing woman.
When she didn't, he kicked her.
That didn't make her stop either.
"Oh dear God, he's coming!" Kisame hissed and they all dove down behind a conveniently placed couch.
And the horror arrived into their little cave.
What is this situation, you say?
Well...
"Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolli lolli lolli lollipop LOLLIPOP! CALL MY BABY LOLLIPOP, TELL YOU WHY –"
Deidara would not stop singing about some goddamned fucking stupid bitchass lollipops. He had been singing for about a fucking week non-stop hours on end, and he only knew the first part so he kept looping the same stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid first verse over and over.
"We need to solve this. Now." Zetsu bit out through his teeth.
"Here's a scheme." Kakuzu said in a voice completely devoid of any emotion. "You first."
And Tobi was thrown out to the singing monster.
Try number one, Tobi.
"Hi Deidara-sempai!" Tobi said and waved enthusiastically.
Deidara did not wave back.
"Could you stop singing sempai? Please?"
"Tell you why, her kiss is sweeter than a cherry pie, badum dum."
After a few seconds of Tobi not getting it, Deidara shook his head.
"Oh. Okay. Do you want to play with me?"
The blond punched him in his face and walked off.
Try number two, Kisame.
"Hey, Deidara. Look here."
Since the blonde refused to stop singing, he handled dialouge a bit differently. He now sang that stupid, stupid, stupid song still but replaced the words with whatever needed to be said.
"Lolli lolli lolli lollipop! No I don't think I will, don't wanna see, that looks like the belly of a giant beast, badum badum."
Kisame was admittedly pointing down the mouth of a many-toothed shark but the blue man probably in all honestly believed there was something interesting down there.
"So you will not climb into the shark's belly?"
"No, no, no, no!"
Try number three, Konan.
Deidara was in the shower, singing still. Not a very unusual place to sing, only now... the song echoed through the pipes.
Since their ever-so-secret hideout was not all that nicely built up, so the shower water was kind of... redirected to the kitchen pipes... Anyway, the song could not be avoided right now.
Looking down, Deidara realized the water wasn't draining properly and that it was pooling up to his ankles. There seemed to be something... White and paper-y clogging it.
Displeased and somewhat disgusted, Deidara turned the water off and grapped the handle.
Or...
At least tried to turn the water off. But for some reason it kept pouring, and the shower door wouldn't open.
He was, for all intent and purposes, locked in the showercabin.
A manical laughter of the female kind echoed through the hideout.
Deidara sang for help, but no one came.
He passed out from the lack of oxygen and there was silence for about ten minutes. Then the showercabin burst because of the water overload and the singing/coughing commenced yet again.
It made Konan cut herself a little bit until Madara calmed her down with a stuffed fluffy giraffe. She amused herself by cutting it instead.
Try number four, Sasori.
"WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS? WHO JUST THREW AN ARM AT ME? BADUM DUM!"
Try number five, Hidan.
The blonde had now on the evening reduced his lovely song to humming on the couch, curled up with a stolen Cosmpolitan Extra Fashion Special.
"Hey, you."
Deidara looked up. Hidan parked himself beside the blonde and crossed his fingers, praying his brain would not dribble out his ears down into his can of soda. Because he would drink it even if there was brainjuice in it.
"Jashin-sama has spoken to me."
"Lolli lolli lolli oh yeah?"
"He has told me that he no longer approves of singing, and his retribution will be more horrid than the burn of a thousand suns."
The blonde seemed unfazed and continued to fill out a test to see which date type he was (he was leaning towards 'victim', but the 'borderline stalker' wasn't far outranked)
"He will smite you with a fury never seen before. You will suffer and die in a pool of your own blood after hours of suffering if you do not stop singing. Jashin-sama will punish you."
Deidara wrote a little note and stalked off, hips swinging and lips a-singing.
'Good thing he's imaginary then! (badum dum)'
Hidan checked himself off the STOP THE APOCALYPSE SONG-list as the fifth contestants and went off to have a sacrifice ritual for Jashin-sama, starring himself and his scythe.
Try number six, Pein.
Deidara was surrounded by six hooded figures on his nightly tour to the bathroom (he didn't sleep anymore, he just sang all night long and somehow, the song nourished him) and beaten savagely. It stopped the song for twenty minutes, a new record since Konan.
Yet the morning after it resumed.
Pein was not happy about it, so he joined his partner in cutting stuffed animals. He chose a purple dog named Randy to begin with.
Try number seven, Zetsu.
"Tell you why, her kiss is sweeter than a cherry pie, badum dum. Lollipop, lollipop, og lolli lolli lolli lollipop!"
Zetsu approached Deidara with a plan clearly in mind.
It worked in all the movies, so this plan was sure to succeed.
Good cop, bad cop. Oh yeah.
"Hey, sweetie, um, do you think you could stop that? Please?" White Zetsu asked and smiled a creepily kind smile.
Deidara ignored him. White Zetsu was not scary enough to spare any attention. He simply continued to chop carrots.
(He was on kitchen duty today. And he liked the apron. It was frilly.)
"Hey, sweetie, are you listening? Perhaps you're nervous? That's okay, here, have a smoke."
Deidara answered with a pop!, declining the cigarette.
"Hey, buster, you listen to me!" Black Zetsu rasped out, knowing that police lingo always scared people. "Either you stop your blasted singing or I'm coming after you, you got that?"
Pop!
"Okay, I realize this can be hard, but I need you to try. Okay? So stop singing, sweetie. Stop singing." White Zetsu said and patted Deidara's arm.
POP!
When he didn't, Black Zetsu took desperate action.
"OOOOOOOWW! MOTHERFUCKER!"
"I'm terribly sorry for stabbing you in the chest with your own knife, okay sweetie? I know this must be hard for you but could you stop bleeding for me sweetie? Could you do that?"
He didn't stop bleeding. Nor stopped singing after bandaging himself up.
Try number eight, Kakuzu.
"I will give you twohundred yen to stop singing."
"No, no, no, no!"
That was the absolute amount of money Kakuzu was willing to part with. More than that and he would rather go deaf.
Try number eight point five, Madara.
The nine opposion members of the Lollipop song were gathered in Madara's closet.
"Just to clarify, I will not even attempt to stop him. Should he not stop, I will kill him tomorrow at dawn."
"So who hasn't tried yet?" Sasori enquired, starting to get a little concerned. he actually liked having Deidara as a partner (and the next step was having Tobi... So... He would rather stick with the girly blond...)
Kisame elbowed Itachi out of their little circle towards Deidara's room where of course, words of lollipops could be heard.
Try number nine, Itachi.
Itachi skipped the knocking of the door and walked into Deidara's room. The blonde was lying on his bed filling in yet another ridiculous test in a generic girly magazine.
It seemed to be a compatibility test. Wonder who he was comparing –
Not that Itachi cared.
"Shut up." the Uchiha said to the blonde.
Quick as a cat, Deidara got on all fours and stared intently at Itachi. "Only if you do something for me."
"No."
"Fill out this test with me."
"I don't want to." Itachi said, walked over and laid down next to Deidara.
"Okay. What's your favourite colour?"
"..."
"I'm putting green, I'd like to think you like green..."
Downstairs, the remaining Akatsuki were crying with joy.
Only Kisame wondered how Itachi had possibly managed to shut him up when none of the other members had done so to under threat of death.
Especially since Deidara had claimed to hate Itachi more than ever since the little... ah... having-angry-and-bloody-sex-while-being-spied-on-by-the-rest-of-the-Akatsuki.
And of course, only Sasori knew that hatred and love where pretty much the same thing.
A/N: Well, like I said, crack makes me happy. And because that fucking song drives me crazy. Review please :D