Inspired by the birthday card my sister made me, and the incentive to finish it was Martin Freeman's birthday. The reason I'm posting this now… long story!
Thanks to dear Ennui Enigma for editing this story and pointing out the flaws.
The Hamlet part is related to my other story "Hamlet as told on Baker Street", but you don't have to read it to understand this one.
I do not own the characters of BBC Sherlock nor any of the literal works mentioned in the story!
A Wild Goose Chase:
John walked down to the kitchen to brew his morning tea. "Sherlock, I'm making tea, do you want a cup?" He called to the living room. No answer came. They weren't on a case, the microscope was abandoned and for once there were no fowl smelling experiments littering the kitchen counters. No sound came from Sherlock's room either. He picked up his phone and started to text.
-Where are you? JW
-Meeting with Lestrade, will tell you the details later. SH
Satisfied, John put the kettle on and moved to the cupboard to get the tea container. When he opened it, he found a folded paper on the teabags. The unfolded paper read "to be or not to be…"
"Great, a riddle, and it's not even eight in the morning!" John mumbled to himself. "To be or not to be, is that the question?" He wondered aloud "It's not even a real ques- wait, wait, wait, I think it is the question!" He suddenly remembered the discussion he and Greg had a while back over Mel Gibson's performance of Hamlet in the graveyard scene.
The kettle came to a boil and John made his tea. He took a sip and then decided he couldn't bear the suspense any longer, so he moved towards the skull "Let's see if you hold the answer Yorik!" and he lifted it. Sure enough there was another note under it that read "It's gonna pop up any minute now!"
"Good thing I didn't put the bread in the toaster yet." John thought to himself wryly.
He pushed the toaster's button, and a blank piece of cardboard popped out of one of the slots. John picked it up and inspected it. He detected a faint smell of lemon on it. Realization dawned on him, so he put the cardboard back in the toaster and pushed the button down to 'toast' the card. After a couple of minutes the card popped out, but now it had brown letters on it.
John took it and while turning it around in his hand he thought, "I hope this doesn't lead to the Tower of London!"
The card read "Not that far, but it's equally patriotic!" John snorted with amusement and went to his favorite seat and lifted the Union Jack pillow. Under it was a big thick envelope. On it with neat letters were written John H. Watson (I hope you haven't sat on it!) John carefully opened the flap and pulled out a piece of long orange cardboard that was folded four times in the same style as a brochure's. On the front side of it, with curving letters there was written: There is Mystery at every corner… and here is yours…
"Not the Tower, but it's definitely going to end up in a wild goose chase around London!" John thought apprehensively. He flipped the page and was stunned speechless by what he saw next.
He was greeted by a picture of himself and Sherlock behind a police yellow tape. Sherlock had an orange shock blanket draped over his shoulders and they were both giggling while Donovon was shooting them a disapproving glare from the corner of the background. John recognized the picture as right after the cabby's case. On top of the picture was a big golden 221B and under the picture it read:
"We can't giggle at a crime scene!"
John remembered that conversation perfectly, he had told those exact words to Sherlock right after acknowledging shooting the cabbie.
On the next page was a picture of John holding up Molly's cat Toby. The picture revealed the profiles of both John and the cat. John was trying not to dissolve into giggles while the cat appeared to be waving goodbye to someone out of the camera's view. This was from the case with the canaries that Toby helped solve. Molly was pretty excited as well, after all, it was her first case. Under it was a picture of Toby next to the golden canary of the case. Beside the image it read: "Cat got your canary?!"
Ya, it sounded really lame when he read it here, but Molly was pretty amused by his quip then and had giggled in her sweet awkward way at the scene.
"Oh well," he thought, "it's not like I have a team of comedians writing my dialogues for me!"
The next page showed him standing beside the door of 221B. John was looking to his left in the picture, as if expecting someone. John couldn't put a date on it; it could have been taken at any time. Under the picture it said:
SH: How would you describe me John, resourceful, dynamic, enigmatic?
JW: Late?
"Wow, didn't think he'd heard me in the middle of all that racket!" John thought amazed. "And I'm sure that wasn't the only time he was late!"
The next page had a picture of him and Sherlock standing next to the yellow smiley face Sherlock had put on the wall by combining yellow spray paint and bullet holes. John was smiling sheepishly wile Sherlock's expression was difficult to read. His face wasn't exactly expressionless. He seemed to aim for a neutral look, but for all his claims at having no emotions, the man's face was pretty expressive. It looked as if Sherlock was trying to conceal a mix of remorse and apprehension. John remembered when Mrs. Hudson made them stand there for the picture. Sherlock had asked her for the reason for the picture and Mrs. Hudson had told them it was for her wall of shame. John had caught the joke but it seems Sherlock hadn't at the time. Under the picture the caption read:
JW: What the HELL are you doing?!
SH: Bored...
JW: What?
SH: BORED! BORED! BORED! …Don't know what's got into the criminal classes. Good job I'm not one of them.
JW: So you take it out on the wall?
SH: Oh, the wall had it coming.
"And we had the wall of shame coming!" John thought amusedly.
John flipped the page to the next two pictures. They were in black and white. The top one was one of him and Sherlock getting out of a cab. Sherlock was already out; he was facing John and saying something. The other picture was one of them in Buckingham palace. Sherlock was wearing only a sheet. They were sitting on a sofa and laughing hard. Beside the picture read:
JW: Are you wearing any pants?
SH:… No.
JW: OK… What are we doing here, Sherlock? Seriously, what?
SH: I don't know.
JW: Here to see the Queen?
SH: Oh, apparently yes!
MH: Just once, can you two behave like grownups?
JW: We solve crimes. I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope.
John started chuckling "Ok, that was a good line!"
John turned the card and opened the back flap. The top picture showed John, Sherlock and Lestrade at the bank of the river Thames, engrossed in conversation. The heading read
JW: fantastic
SH: Meretricious
DI L: And a happy new year!
Under it was a picture of John and Sherlock running after a suspect, Sherlock's hand outstretched, pointing towards their quarry. It read:
SH: It's a Birthday surprise!
JW: Lucky guess.
SH: I never guess.
John vaguely remembered that last conversation, but he was too stunned to recall the precise wording. "Birthday? Is it my birthday already?" John checked the calendar. With their hectic life and all the excitement going on, it was only normal to forget something as trivial as his own birthday. The main question was how did Sherlock know it, let alone remember it long enough to prepare this card? All the writings were in Sherlock's handwriting, (as if you hadn't guessed it by now)!
John looked at the last page. On top was a picture of that year's Christmas party, with John, Sherlock, Mrs. Hudson, Molly, Lestrade, and of course, Mycroft. The picture read: "Well John, happy birthday, and try not to start a war before I get home, you know what it does to the traffic!"
"Hey! You said that to Mycroft!" John exclaimed out loud. The text continued "As you can see, here is a card to show you how much we love you. Happy Birthday John! Love: Sherlock Holmes, Martha Hudson, Greg Lestade, Molly Hooper, and Mycroft Holmes."
Tears were gathering in John's eyes. He was torn between laughing and crying. "Sherlock would scoff at this sentimentalism" he thought. He wiped his eyes and put the card upright on the table so that all the pages could be seen at once. He went about and finished his breakfast. While he was putting away the washed dishes, he heard the flat's door creak open. He peaked in the living room and saw Sherlock standing in front of the table.
"I see you have finished the little treasure hunt we set for you" Sherlock said while his back was towards John.
John stepped into the room "Yup, I guess part of the mystery is who came up with the second clue. I don't think pop up is part of your active vocabulary!"
Sherlock turned to face John "That part was Mrs. Hudson's idea. If you're wondering, the first one was Lestraude's"
"I didn't think he was such a big Shakespeare fan!"
"Actually, he is a fan of your recital of Shel Silverstein's version of Hamlet, especially that part of Horatio's commentary on Hamlet's soliloquy. Why was that writer's version full of obscenity anyway?"
"He only made them explicit in the contemporary language. The original is full of dirty jokes as well, but we usually miss them because the language is outdated."
"It is? Then how come-"
"Because we had a trendy young English teacher at high school who pointed them out to us!" John said with a cheeky grin. "So, how did you find my birthday? I'm sure you didn't ask Harriet, that's not your style. Did you hack the army data base or the police's?"
"Do you remember the blackmailing case in Ireland?"
"The Norwood Bully? Yes, but I don't see how that's relevant."
"I got the tickets for the trip."
"An unusual event, but it still doesn't answer my question."
"I looked at your passport." John was dumbfounded.
Sherlock smirked then abruptly changed the subject. "There's been a robbery at the British museum. Are you ready for your wild goose chase around London?"
"God, yes!"
The pictures from the canary case and the Christmas party are all made up, the rest of them are found on the web.