Title: Somebody To Lean On
Beta: None
Rating: Teen
Disclaimer: When you see this on the show, that's when I own it
Warnings: Use of prescription meds, talk of attempted suicide
Pairing: Kurt/Finn
Summary: "You don't know how great you are."
A/N: So, I've never taken anti-depressants, so I don't know how true to life this actually is. I'm actually rather surprised that I've never seen this suggested over at glee_angst_meme. Title comes from 'Don't Panic' by Coldplay
Somebody To Lean On
The persistent beeping of his alarm clock just served to aggravate the already tedious headache that Kurt had. It was nine am on a Saturday morning, first day of spring break, and he sighed a weary sigh as he eventually rolled over to stop the noise. Normally on vacations he would have lain in, but the fact that he was suffering from a slight case of insomnia didn't help, plus Finn was coming over later today, and Kurt just had to look his best. They were meant to be working on something for Glee, but the real reason was because Quinn was days away from giving birth and living with Puck, and Finn had been moody about it for the last month.
Taking a long, hot, satisfying shower was one of the few pleasures that Kurt could appreciate right now. Shaking out the two pills and swallowing them down dampened some of his small joy, but it was better than before. Kurt thanked whatever God there was that most of his friends were busy this vacation and thus would not notice the side affects from the new medication. The nausea was much milder than last time, the insomnia not as bad, although the anxiety was quite unwelcome, and his father's watchful eye for any suicide attempts was fairly annoying. It wasn't any worse than withdrawal, at any rate.
Picking out a subdued outfit, he ate a rather small breakfast, experiencing the usual loss of appetite, and basically just laid around in drowsy, lethargic apathy for a while. It would get better soon, he reminded himself. He wouldn't feel as numb in a few weeks.
About noon the doorbell went, and Kurt plastered a sweet painted smile on as he greeted Finn. "Hello there, Finn Hudson. C'mon in." Finn muttered something and strode right in, immediately heading down to his basement apartment. Oh dear, that bad, huh.
Kurt shut the door and followed him down. It was beginning to look like a rather long day.
Finn ranted and raved for about half an hour, pacing erratically, as Kurt sat on the edge of his bed and just listened. He interjected his opinion and comments when the opportunities arose, but mostly let Finn get it out of his system. Kurt honestly wasn't sure if he still had a crush on Finn or not; everything had gotten so confusing lately, especially with the medication. Whether or not he held any romantic feelings, however, he was still Finn's friend, perhaps even his best friend now, even if all this talking and comforting was beginning to feel a little one sided.
Finn finally seemed to run out of steam, and stood there, panting, for a few moments, a faint blush colouring his cheeks. "Anyway, thanks for listening, Kurt. You're really cool and don't judge. You're an awesome friend."
He beamed at the praise, revelling in the small warm fuzzy feeling it gave him, and ducking his head a little. "Why don't we watch a movie? Might take your mind off things."
"Sure, man, set it up. I gotta take a leak." Kurt couldn't repress a chuckle at Finn's ineloquent expression, and busied himself with setting up the film, leaning back on his sofa and relaxing. He could do this; he could act normal around Finn for a few hours. Wouldn't be the first time he had to pretend and hide his real feelings.
"Kurt? What's fluoxetine?" Kurt peered around the back of his couch, and was faced with the sight of Finn standing there, confusion evident on his face, the little amber bottle held up to the light, rattling when he shook it slightly. Kurt cleared his throat before replying, voice monotone to cover up any anxiety before he replied. "Prozac. It's an… an anti-depressant, Finn."
His face was fascinating to watch as it went from puzzlement, to doubt, to hurt, to fear, and finally to conclusion. "You're depressed?" He sounded sad and concerned, like he didn't want to really believe what he'd heard, like he wanted to be wrong. "Well, you could say that, but yeah… yes, I suffer from chronic depression. Trying to kill yourself at fourteen does leave little conclusions, after all."
Finn looked devastated, like someone had taken all the energy out of him, like he'd just suddenly deflated. He looked very much like he had right after the whole BabyGate thing, like he'd lost someone important, and Kurt is rather shocked by this emotional reaction. He isn't sure what he was expecting exactly, but this certainly wasn't it. He decided to just tell Finn everything now instead of being questioned repeatedly in the coming weeks.
He sat down next to him on the sofa, setting the pills on the coffee table in front of them, turning to Kurt expectantly. He worked his mouth for a few moments, before apparently summoning the courage and words to ask a question. "Why?"
Kurt shrugged, barely meeting his gaze before replying properly. "Wish I knew exactly why. I've always felt just less happy than others, I suppose, but it really started when I was thirteen. Along with the bullying…" Off Finn's look, he was quick to reassure him. "No, no, that's not the reason why; it's certainly made it worse, but it's always been there, an underlying reason. I don't blame you for anything, Finn, so you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Anyway, I just felt worthless and helpless all the time. I had no friends, everything felt hopeless, I was starting to… to notice boys, and although I'd always known I was gay, it was hard to accept it at first, so there was that. I just hated myself and felt that the world would be better off without me. So I tried to kill myself. I realised later that it was more of a cry for help than anything." He paused, staring at the floor resolutely, feeling open and exposed, vulnerable and honest. He didn't like it when the walls were down.
"How?" Instead of answering, Kurt pulled back his long sleeves, exposing the healed two-year-old scars, his face flushing in shame. "And the pills… it was a while before my therapist put me on anti-depressants, because some have been linked to teen suicide, but once I got used to taking them, I felt… better. Very numb, at first. Took a while to get used to, but really, it was better to take them. I took a different anti-depressant at first, until a few months ago, when they decided that I'm made a recovery, and could live without pills. But I suffered a major depressive episode, a relapse, a few weeks ago. So I'm now on Prozac. If you're wondering why I've been irritable recently, that's why. Been getting used to the new medication. It's also why I didn't take the vitamin D Mrs Schuester gave us that one time; it would have interfered with the meds. I told Mercedes, Tina and Artie just after we won Sectionals. They took it rather well." He breathed in and dared to chance a look at Finn. The expression on his face mostly resembled a kicked puppy, although there were a lot of other emotions in the mix, anger, guilt and hurt most apparent.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Kurt blinked, taken aback by the unexpected answer. He picked at a loose thread on his sleeve as he answered, trying to keep any fear of rejection out of his voice. "It's something deeply private and personal to me, Finn. I don't view it as a very big deal, and I don't like a fuss over it. It doesn't really affect me all that much; it's just a part of who I am, as much as my skin colour or my eyes. I can't change who I am. I've spent of lot of time coming around to that idea, to accepting what I'm like, to believing that I'm worth something, to believing in myself. If you really are my friend, then you'll understand and respect that this is who I really am, Finn, and you'll accept me all the same."
He kept his gaze focused on the pill bottle, awaiting Finn's response, growing nervous in the following silence. This could go down many different ways; Finn could scream and shout, be angry at how weak Kurt was, could make his life hell for having something wrong with him. He could be hurt that he hadn't known this sooner, seeing it as a betrayal of their friendship if Kurt was keeping something this important from him. He could have many other reactions, including the one that Kurt barely dared to hope for; support and acceptance. He tried to remind himself that Finn was a good, kind and loving person, that he wouldn't hate him, but his negative doubts wouldn't go away in the building tension.
His cynical thoughts, however, were cut short when Finn suddenly leaned over and hugged Kurt to him, bawling rather embarrassingly as he mumbled incoherently. Kurt was startled for a few moments until he realised Finn is hugging me and returned the embrace, burying his face in the crook of his neck, inhaling that Finn-scent that he loved so much. It was hard not to adore Finn, especially when he was being affectionate. Finn was rubbing his back in soothing circles and making cute, calming noises, as if Kurt was the one that was crying uncontrollably, which just added to the surreality of the situation.
After a while, Finn seemed to calm down, and after a few blissful moments of just being held in his arms, Finn drew back, eyes red and puffy, face red from emotion, nose runny, mouth pulled back into a small, caring smile. "How could you ever think yourself worthless when you're so wonderful, Kurt? You don't know how great you are. You're awesome, so confident and strong and proud, a good listener and a loyal friend. You're the most amazing person I've ever met. You never back down, you're funny and smart and thoughtful. You should never hate yourself, because there's nothing to hate; and the world is a better place with you in it, Kurt. You give me hope."
Then he leaned forwards and, not hesitating for a second, he pressed his lips to Kurt's, pressing in a moment later in a real kiss. Kurt's first kiss. At first he was too stunned to react, before realisation kicked in and he kissed back. It was a little odd, Finn's lips were softer than he expected but still chapped, and he tasted of cereal and coffee and Finn, the angle was maybe a little too awkward to be perfect, but it was sweet and loving and it made him happier than he had ever been before.
When Finn pulled back, Kurt opened his eyes, unaware of the fact he closed them. As soon as Finn met his gaze, he expected him to jump up and run for the hills when he realised he'd just kissed a boy, but in those big, pretty brown eyes he saw only admiration and adoration, a certain joy in them, a look of what could only be described as love, something he'd seen directed at Quinn and Rachel before but never him, never Kurt.
"God, you're beautiful." Finn smiled, raising his hands from Kurt's neck to gently caress his cheeks, wiping away the tears that he hadn't even known were there. Kurt could only gape, and then return the smile, shy and nervous but honest and happy. This was perhaps one of the greatest, most life changing moments of their lives.
"I love you."