Author's Note: This is a spur of the moment thing. Kind of thinking about what would happen if Kevin was Catholic, or tried to be anyway. I apologise in advance for this. It's not meant to make fun of Catholics, just Kevin being Kevin. So I hope you dont mind. The jokes remain fairly tame. Enjoy. And dont kill me.
Forgive Me Father
It was a sunny day as Kevin pulled up to St. Joseph's Cathedral, having dropped off Ben and Gwen earlier the teen made his way up the stairs to the sanctuary. Inside organ music played as he made his way to the confession booth and stepped inside.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." He said as the screen opened upon seeing him the priest groaned.
"Oh not you again."
"Hey Father Phil." Kevin smiled and waved. The priest was clearly not amused by his presence and leaned back in his chair to start their discussion.
"What is it you have done my child?" he said in a weary tone.
"I've done a few things I'm not proud of I…slept with a bunch of girls this week." He admitted.
"How many?" he asked.
"About five or six." He said.
"Five or six?" the pastor asked.
"Yeah I kind of lost count." Kevin said.
"How exactly did you come about this?" he asked.
"Oh you know a little liquor and whoo! Let's just say things got out of hand real quickly." He smiled.
"I see and did you use protection?" he asked.
"Uh, no actually and now their all pregnant." Kevin said.
The priest was dumbstruck and grabbed his robes trying to retain his composure.
"And these girls all told you this?" he asked.
"Yeah, what can I say? I gots the super sperm." Kevin said rather proud of himself.
"Son do you realize the gravity of the situation you just put yourself in?" the priest asked.
"No, should I?" he asked.
"Yes!" he said raising his voice only a little. The priest quickly cleared his throat and hoped the rest of the parishioners didnt hear him.
"Oh yeah, there's also this red head chick I've been seeing." he added.
"And you've done this behind her back?" the priest asked.
"Well yeah. I mean it wasnt suppose to go down that way, but that's what happened." he shrugged.
"You plan on telling her?" he asked.
"I'll wait till she's good and drunk one night this week." he replied.
"That's not the answer I was hoping for. You need to make it up to her, or do you even care for this girl?" Father Phil asked.
"Well...all right yeah I do care about her. But we're not technically going out. I mean I like her and everything I just havent gotten up the balls to tell her." he admitted.
"From that statement it sounds like she means alot to you." the preist replied.
"Well yeah, you can say that. I mean I'd do anything for her." the boy said.
"Then you should tell her." he said.
"That's kind of hard to do with the other 72 women I've slept with." he replied.
"WHAT?!" the priest yelled. Several people looked up at the front of the sanctuary.
"Your kidding me right? Please tell me your kidding!" the priest said nearly having a heart attack over the matter.
"No it's completely true." Kevin said.
"Ohhhh!" he groaned and bent over resting his forehead in his hand.
"Plus I've been seeing a guy as well." he threw in.
The priest clinched his eyes shut and punched the side of the confession booth.
"You all right over there?" he asked.
"I'm fine." he said flatly while at the same time trying to contain his fury over the young lad.
"But it's all good right?" Kevin asked a smile played on his lips. He could just picture the look on the preacher's face.
"No, no it isnt you need to atone for your sins. Right this minute." the priest said.
"What if I dont want to?" he said slyly.
"Then what was the point of coming here?" the minister asked.
"Just to see how much you could put up with." he replied.
The minister was silent. Kevin quirked an eyebrow and leaned towards the screen.
"Preach?" he asked.
A fist flew through the screen and decked Kevin as hard as he could and knocked him back. In the next second the preacher opened the door to Kevin's confession booth and stood over him.
"May God have mercy on your soul, because I wont!" he said.
"Uh oh." Kevin said.
The preacher walked in and closed the door a second later parishioners could hear a flurry of punches coming from the confession booth.
"Ooh! Ow! Hey! Come on! I was just kidding! Ow! Cant you take a joke?!" Thwack! "Ow!"
The priest stormed out of the confession booth a second later muttering to himself as he walked past. The parishioners looked back and saw a disheveled Kevin laying on the confession booth floor.
"Ugh, I think I overdid it." he said as the priest closed the sanctuary door.
A while later Kevin pulled up to Gwen's house as she and Ben walked out to meet him.
"What happened to you?" she asked.
"Just went to see the minister." he shrugged.
"You really got to stop antagonizing him." Ben said as he got in the backseat.
"I think he's starting to get through to me." Kevin smiled.
"I'm sure he is." Gwen said fastening her seatbelt.
"Your going to drive that poor guy to drink, either that or he'll go Postal on you." Ben added.
"Like he hasnt already." commented Gwen as they drove off.
On the other side of town the preacher sat at the bar putting down his drink.
"So how was your day?" the bartender asked.
"I dont want to talk about it." he said.
"Ugh, you gotta have the patience of a saint to deal with this guy. I dont know why I even bother sometimes." the pastor thought.
"Well he's still young, I suppose if a guy like him can change his ways. There may be hope for him yet." he reminded himself.
The green Camero took off into the sunset to fight another battle.
Author's Note: Well what did you think of that? Like I said I apologise to any Catholics that might have read this, this was just in good fun. Kind of inspired by the scene in 'The Ringer'. Like I said before, dont kill me if you dont like it. It's not made to make fun of Catholics. Its just Kevin being a dick and giving a poor pastor a hard time. Kind of figure that would be his outlook on religion. I think if you cant laugh at yourself then what's the point of living?
Please review.