Okay, so, this is a very long, dramatic oneshot...x.x Not really what I intended at all—it was supposed to actually be a 2,000 word humor fic. I guess I've been watching too many Lifetime Original Movies XP Anyway, I recommend having watched the episodes "Romancing the Clone" and, to a lesser extent, "Scenes from a Maul" before reading this.

And a big thank you to KitKatBarStory for coming up with a title, and just generally helping me out with this one. Thank you!

Yup, now onward!

"Garu!" exclaimed Pucca happily as she saw him walk into the Goh-Rong. She immediately made her way over to him and clung onto his arm. "What's up, stud?"

Garu rolled his eyes and plopped down at a nearby table, shaking her off his arm in the process. "I'll take the usual."

Pucca's face fell in disappointment—she had never been the type to give up, but day after day of rejection for years on end could take its toll on a girl. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek before rushing over to the kitchen to prepare his order. 'After all, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, right?' she thought, but began to frown as she realized if that was true, Garu was taking a hell of a long time to digest.

Meanwhile, Garu wiped off his cheek and stuck his tongue out in whiny disgust. 'Can't she just get me my food and leave me alone? She's so annoying!'

He looked up, startled, as an extremely familiar face strolled over and took a seat across from him, smugly smirking at him. "Hey pretty boy. Remember me?"

Garu, blessed with extremely keen senses that kept him ready to brace anything, was quick to cover up his shock and instead narrowed his eyes into a glare. "How could I forget?" he spat.

The jerk across from him let out a mocking laugh. "You still pissed that I got to make out with your girl?"

Garu's cheeks burned red with embarrassment and anger as he looked away. "She's not my girl. But I am pissed to see you," he paused as he thought about it. "How are you here anyway? Didn't I see you evaporate or something?"

The sweat-suit clad teen across from him rolled his eyes. "I did, but that spray of Shaman's did some other weird shit. I came back bit by bit, but I left the village 'cause I didn't feel like getting my ass kicked anymore."

Garu grinned at the memory of kicking some serious clone ass with Pucca. He sighed contentedly—that was one the few times he'd enjoyed being in her company. "So why are you here now?"

Garu's clone broke out into a smug, lustful grin as he watched Pucca emerge from the kitchen, gracefully balancing some trays on her hands. "That's why!" he purred, blatantly scanning his eyes up and down her body as she served some people who'd ordered before Garu.

Garu blinked, surprised. "Pucca?"

"No, Uncle Dumpling...Of course Pucca! Just look at her! She's got it all; hot body, pretty face, good with her hands—major plus, if ya know what I mean," Garu rolled his eyes at that, "I've had my eye on her for a long time now. All she's missing is me!"

Garu frowned, for some reason feeling extremely angry. "Back off," he growled. "You don't deserve her."

His clone raised an eyebrow, acting confused. "Why do you care?" he asked.

"B-because…she's a friend of a friend of a friend, and I wouldn't want any of my friends getting upset," Garu responded hastily. In all honesty, he didn't know why he cared so much about Pucca, but he didn't have time to dwell on that question at the moment.

"Whatever," said his clone, spraying some breath-freshener into his mouth and popping his collar before getting up. "I've been watching you guys. She chases, you run like a homo. I don't get you. She was cute when she was ten, but she's freakin' hot now. She's an incredibly fine piece of ass, and if you're not gonna take your chance and tap that…hey, all I can say is it'd be a shame to let that go to waste."

Garu clenched his fists and gritted his teeth, furious. "Don't you EVER refer to Pucca as a "that" or a "piece" of anything."

His clone pretended to coo. "Aww, does wittle Garu not like it when other guys talk about screwing his girlfriend?" He laughed as he watched Garu tremble in anger. "Well, lucky for me, I DON'T CARE."

Taking a deep breath, Garu looked over at his clone and calmly said, "You know she hates you, right? Are you forgetting we kicked your ass together and she thinks you're a jerk? And she hasn't lost her touch. She could easily kick it again."

Smirking, his clone replied, "And are you forgetting that for some crazy reason, she's fucking in love with you? And did you forget how much I happen to look like you, only enhanced and way hotter?"

"That doesn't mean anything. Pucca's not shallow!"

"Of course she's not. She's the perfect little woman of your dreams, right?" Garu blushed and looked away, frowning.

Grinning as Pucca began to make her way over, her view obscured by the tall pile of trays she was carrying, the clone quickly whispered, "That's why I got a plan."

Garu frowned as he watched his clone spring out of his seat and take the heavy pile from Pucca, setting it down on the table so that it was directly in front of Garu, completely blocking him off. The clone grabbed her hands in his own. "Hey Pucca," he said, looking into her eyes and gently running his thumbs across her soft hands. "A girl as pretty as you shouldn't have to be carrying heavy stuff like that."

Pucca looked dumbfounded. "G-garu…?" She looked as though she was ready to faint in her shock. Annoyed at how easily she was tricked, the real Garu shoved the pile of plates away, thus enabling Pucca to see him, and cleared his throat loudly, slightly glaring at her.

Pucca looked over to him, her eyes widening in surprise and confusion. Two Garus? She growled…could Ring-Ring and Dada be up to something again? No…that theory was immediately thrown out the window as she saw the two seated at a table, Ring-Ring bragging about something and Dada adoringly clinging to her every word. But if it wasn't their doing, what was going on?

Once again, Garu caught her gaze. He sighed as he realized how confused she was, and finally just flat-out told her, "That's my clone—the jerk we beat up a couple of years ago. Shaman's spray had other weird side effects, so he managed to come back."

Grave understanding immediately clouded her face—it was all coming back to her. Snapping her head back to glare at the clone, she snatched her hands away and crossed her arms across her chest. Sure, she may've only known him for one day six years ago, but a girl does not easily forget her first cheater; her first heartbreak. Plus, she'd never met anyone else who spoke with that weird accent.

"What do you want?" she asked, trying to keep her temper down—she didn't want to create any commotion in her uncles' restaurant.

The clone shot her the most charming smile he could muster. "It's not about what I want, babe. It's about what you want."

Rolling her eyes, she turned her back to him and huffed, "How stupid do you think I am? Could you just leave me alone so I can get back to my work? I really don't have time for this."

Garu grinned and inwardly gave her a high five, proud of her for being so firm. For a second, his clone's smug reasoning had gotten him nervous.

However, his smile quickly fell as he watched his clone pull Pucca back toward him and gently push a strand of hair from her face, gently caressing her cheek in the process. "Look Pucca, I'm sorry. But I was young and stupid back then—I didn't realize how lucky I was to have a girl as amazin' as you. I've been around a lot the past few years, and I've realized there's no other girl out that can even begin to compare to you—you're smart, determined, talented, fun to be around, and extremely beautiful. That one day with you was the best I've ever had. Please Pucca, give me a second chance. I promise I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you."

Pucca couldn't help but blush. He was being so sweet, and he looked so much like her Garu…Maybe just one date with him wouldn't hurt. She sighed—that was probably as close as she was ever gonna get to being with Garu anyway.

She bit her lip, not able to tear her eyes away from the doppelgänger. He had those same gorgeous brown eyes she'd fallen for years ago. "…Well, I guess may—woah!"

Her sentence was cut off as she felt herself being dragged off by a very forceful Garu, who led her to a secluded corner of the restaurant and gave her a stern look. "Pucca, what do you think you're doing?"

She looked away. "What do you mean?"

"Don't try playing dumb with me." Garu sighed as Pucca continued to avoid his gaze. "I mean, why were you about to accept a date with my dick of a clone? You know he's not right for you."

"I know," she admitted sadly, "but, the truth is, I'm getting a little lonely…why don't you like me, Garu?"

Garu, caught off guard, nervously cleared his throat as a dark blush proceeded to stain his cheeks. "Pucca…" he began uncertainly. She looked up at him expectantly.

He sighed. "Can we not do this right now? I'm just trying to stop you from making a big mistake. He doesn't really care about you; he only likes you because you're beautiful."

A blush tickled her cheeks. 'He just called me beautiful! And he really cares,' she thought, brightening slightly. "So…if I don't go with him," she paused once again, her blush getting deeper, "will you take me out instead?"

Garu instinctively took a step back as he considered her question. '…I guess it wouldn't be so bad, and it would keep her safe from that horny bastard.' His eyes narrowed as he glared at his clone, who was currently checking out some random slut. But as he brought his gaze back to Pucca, ready to comply, he was crushed with guilt as he stared at her sweet and hopeful, albeit very nervous, face.

He knew if his primary reason for the date was to keep her away from some other guy, he didn't really want to take her out. How could he—she'd been a thorn at his side for years now. She was cute, but more trouble than she was worth. He knew if he took her out on one date, she'd be expecting another, and another after that. She'd declare herself his girlfriend, then pretty soon want to be his fiancé, and then of course, his wife. Hell, she'd already tried to rope him into marriage at the tender age of twelve, and more than one time at that.

'I'm not ready for all that,' he thought, 'and it's really not fair for Pucca if I lead her on like that.'

Finally, his voice heavy with remorse, he said, "I'm sorry Pucca, I just can't do that."

And that was the moment when Pucca snapped.

"Fine!" she exclaimed angrily, slapping him square on the cheek, to his extreme shock. "I see how it is—you can't even stand the thought of spending one day with me!" she shouted, trembling with anger as a result of the years and years of rejection finally piling up too high. "You must hate me even more than I thought! You think I'm the ugliest, stupidest, most selfish, most repulsive girl ever, don't you?!"

She continued, not being able to stop herself—she'd secretly been holding it all in for so long she found she just couldn't reel herself back in. "You have no idea how much I do for you without you even knowing! Remember that cursed bowtie? Who do you think found that rare feather to cure you with? Me! And it wasn't easy, either! And what about that time you were getting your ninja license? You can't even begin to imagine the types of traps Tobe set up for you! But you don't have to, because I protected you from all of them! And then there was that time I helped you out when Tobe was getting all that high voltage energy, that time I saved you from the huge sumo wrestlers in Tokyo--I could go on and on!

"And it's not just about saving you! Sometimes I do things just for you and you don't even care! Why do think I took that stupid job as a model? So I could put up with Ring-Ring as my stylist? No! So that you'd notice me and think I was pretty, maybe even start to like me. That was a fluke," she spat. "And remember the little Ms. Sooga competition? That was for you too, Garu. But you didn't even care, not until I started fighting like a guy. And even then after I impressed you, you wouldn't kiss me. It doesn't matter what I do, I'll always be disgusting to you, huh?"

Garu just stood there absently rubbing his numb, reddened cheek, frozen with fear—he'd never seen Pucca go off like that, especially not on him. And he'd never really realized how much she'd done for him, but now that he heard so much of it listed out before him, he wasn't sure how to respond. Hell, he'd never really been good with words anyway. Unfortunately, shocked silence was not the reply Pucca had been hoping for. She took a deep breath and let out a depressed sigh.

"So I guess you never liked me and you never will, huh?" she asked shakily, trying to calm herself down and praying to some higher force that Garu would disagree and start sweeping her off her feet.

But instead, Garu continued to stand before her, not moving a muscle. Tears began to well up in Pucca's eyes.

"Fine." She took a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "I'll leave you alone and spend my time with someone who at least wants me around."

With that, she made her way over to the clone, who'd been too busy primping to notice the commotion. He grinned as he saw her walking toward him and leaving the real Garu behind, not noticing the tears stains on her cheek. "So baby, you decided to dump that loser and give me a second chance?"

She took a glance behind her shoulder at Garu, who just stared blankly back at her, unsure of how to handle things. She frowned. 'It's hopeless. He's a lost cause.'

Taking a second to regain her composure, she turned back to the spiky-haired clone and shot him the cutest smile she could muster, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. She pulled away and held back a growl as she noticed a smug, complacent smirk etched on his face. Ignoring it the best she could, she snuggled up against him. "Where do you want to take me first?"

Pucca's face flushed as she stood silently as she watched her 'date' search through the clothing aisle, eager to complete the outfit he was planning for her.

"Don't worry about it dollface," he began, pulling out a tight, sheer black tank and considering it briefly before putting it back on the rack, much to Pucca's relief. "You're already smokin', but once I'm through with you, you'll be so sexy that idiot Garu will be wishin' he was me."

Pucca's eye twitched. There was a compliment in there somewhere, right? She bit her lip nervously as she felt rough hands push her into a dressing room and shove a tiny pile of clothing into her hands. "Don't take too long babe, or I'll have to come in and help you," said the clone, smirking. "Unless you just wanna do us both a favor and invite me in now."

Pucca shuddered—what an asshole! She slammed the door in his face and rolled her eyes as she heard him chuckle and mutter something about loving "when they play hard to get."

She sighed as she warily inspected the pile of clothing in her arms. Wanting to get it over with, she took off her top and examined the one Garu's clone had picked out for her—an extremely tight, low cut, spaghetti strap tank that hit a few inches above her belly button. She stuck her tongue out in distaste, but then seethed as she remembered a day when she'd tried to dress up for Garu by wearing a black top adorned with red hearts just like the one on his ninja suit, and he hadn't even cast her so much as a second glance.

'At least I'll get his attention,' she thought, not able to keep a frown from her face. After pulling the top on, she let out an annoyed groan as she realized it cut below the top of her black bra, giving any passerby more than a good eyeful of her rack.

Already feeling dejected, she decided she might as well finish putting on the outfit for kicks. She pulled off her jeans and replaced them with the extremely short, pleated black mini that had been picked out for her. Turning around to examine her reflection, she blushed as she noticed her underwear could be seen if she bent down even the tiniest bit.

'At least this can't get any worse.'

She buried her head in her hands as she spotted the black fishnet stockings she'd previously missed. She absently pulled them on and slipped her heels onto her feet.

Outfit now completed, she warily looked into the full-length mirror.

'I look like a total skank!' She frowned as she tried to pull the skirt down a little, but to no avail—it just showed off more of her midriff, making her look trashier. Frowning at her reflection, she immediately decided, 'Screw him! I'm not wearing this.'

Just as she was about to change back into her regular outfit, the door of her dressing room suddenly burst open. "Ready or not, here I come!" sang the obnoxious doppelgänger. For the briefest of seconds, he looked disappointed when he saw that Pucca had any type of clothing on, but he immediately perked up as he drank in her appearance.

"You look amazing!" he exclaimed, blatantly staring at her cleavage. Pucca frowned, ready to punch him in the face, when she suddenly thought back to the last time someone had said those exact words.

It had been her best friend Ching, chirping in awe as she watched Pucca try on a wedding dress. Pucca remembered how she smiled dreamily into the mirror as she imagined walking down the aisle in the beautiful, white dress, and being met by her handsome Garu, shirtless, dyed blonde, and waiting for her on a stallion with the wind blowing through his hair. Her head hung down sadly as she recalled the actual way things had gone down—Garu basically had once again run away from her, not caring at all about how strong her feeling were. He hadn't even complimented her dress! Jerk…

She snapped out of her trip down memory lane as she brought her eyes over to the Clone's. She shot him a fake smile and forced out a giggle. "You really think so?"

"I really, really do," he confirmed, turning her around by the shoulders so he could stare at her butt. She sighed.

"Thanks."

Garu pulled up the collar of his long trench coat, thus concealing his face, as he hastily made his way toward the shopping mall. He'd seen Pucca and his clone heading there before, but had to rush over to Ching and Abyo for some help with an incognito disguise before he could follow them. True, being a ninja, extraordinary stealth was a given, but his clone and Pucca weren't the easiest people to snoop on, so he'd decided to take extreme measures. He'd already let Pucca down once, and hell would freeze over before he did it again.

He saw her and his clone exit the mall and nearly fainted. What the hell was she wearing?!

'She looks like a prostitute!' he thought, shocked. She usually dressed so cutely—he specifically remembered how once, she'd worn this black top with red hearts on it, just like the one on his ninja suit. He thought she looked especially pretty that day, but he would never say that out loud—she'd probably glomp him and kiss him half to death if he did. And he had a lot of training to do that day, so wasting time on kissy stuff wasn't an option.

Even though a small part of him liked what he saw (he had to admit, she did one hell of a job filling those clothes out), being the gentleman he was he quickly overcame it and began to storm over to the pair, fully prepared to take off his trench coat and give it to Pucca so she could cover up, even if that meant blowing his cover after less than five minutes.

He froze as he listened to the two talk, trailing them by less than a foot.

"I'm telling you, you look SO damn hot."

"…Glad you think so." Garu frowned; Pucca sounded miserable.

His clone laughed. "Yeah. I have good taste. Now Garu, on the other hand; that idiot has horrible taste. What kind of douche picks training all day with the same damn moves he's known for years over spending time with a hot girl like you? Between me and you, I think he might be gay."

Garu immediately went red in the face and began to tremble with anger. How dare that douche call him a douche! And since when did considering a girl's feelings make a guy gay? Just as he was about to spring on his clone and give him a well-needed ass-whooping, he heard Pucca say the sentence that made his heart sink in a way he'd never experienced before.

"Yeah, I can't believe I wasted so much time on that loser."

Garu watched silently as the pair walk off, hand-in-hand. His clone's approving laughter echoed in his ears. He angrily turned on his heel and walked in the opposite direction.

'Forget her.'

Garu's clone, who had recently dubbed himself as simply 'Garu' (reasoning that no one cared about the old one anyway), couldn't believe his luck. He figured it would be easy to get Pucca on his side, but he hadn't even begun to imagine things moving so quickly on the first day.

'But then again, I am her dream man, only better, stronger, and much more handsome!' he thought smugly.

He snaked an arm around her bare waist and whispered into her ear, "So babe, you ready for dinner?"

He smirked as he felt her shiver at the feel of his lips brushing against her earlobe.

"Sure," she replied hesitantly. "Where are we going?"

"We're goin' to my place. I'm gonna whip something up for ya, because I love ya so much."

Pucca stared at him wide-eyed. She couldn't believe the lips she'd been chasing and stealing kisses from for so many years had finally told her what she'd been dying to hear for so long. Well, maybe not those exact lips, but identical ones at least. Not a bad substitute...

The owner of those lips widened his smirk as he watched Pucca blush at the words. 'This is gonna be too easy…'

Garu couldn't believe himself. He just heard Pucca proclaim she was sick of him, that she regretted ever chasing after him, and yet he wasn't jumping for joy. In fact, he felt a deep, inexplicable heartache.

He squeezed his eyes shut, grimacing as he realized some tears were escaping. 'Nothing to get choked up about…she called you a loser, she's over you, so what? Just get home now so you can have a nice, long meditation. Pucca-free.'

Realizing he'd already reached his small shack, he tiredly pulled on his sliding door, and was surprised to find it wouldn't open…it was stuck. He blinked. That was strange—it was working fine in the morning. He shrugged it off, eager to just get inside; he would go in through a window. He made his way to one and peered inside, and was even more surprised to find a pot of burned-looking spaghetti sitting on his kitchen table. He knew something was up—he definitely hadn't made any type of pasta lately, and besides, he wasn't the type who was careless enough to let food burn.

Beginning to get nervous, he rushed over to the next window of his small home—the one outside his bedroom. The sight before him got his blood boiling.

He was literally seeing red as he watched his dick clone pin Pucca beneath him and force a kiss onto her mouth before pulling off her shirt and bra. Garu, seeing the way Pucca covered her chest with her arms and tried to pull away, immediately drew his katana and used it to break the glass of his window—he didn't have any time to spare.

Pucca's eyes began to tear up as she tried to pull away, horrified. She knew she was stronger than him, but she'd never been in such a position and was too scared to fight back. It was like some horrible, twisted nightmare—she had to admit, she'd had her fantasies about what her first time doing 'it' would be like, and she promised herself it would definitely be with Garu. And in some twisted way, it seemed that technically was about to be…but definitely not in the way Pucca had dreamed.

She held her breath as she felt a shirtless 'Garu' slip off her skirt and underwear, and braced herself as she watched him hastily throw off his pants.

"Like what you see?" he asked in a cocky tone as he grinded his erection against her. She whimpered as a sob escaped her lips.

"Get off me, please!" she choked out.

He shook his head. "Aw, don't be like that babe! Trust me, once it's inside ya, you'll be beggin' for more."

The last thing she saw was his smirk before she squeezed her eyes shut and heard a loud 'THUD!'

She stared at the scene unfold before her—Garu, her Garu, had that fake cornered, and delivered a heavy punch in the face, sending him flying into a wall. But he knew that wouldn't be enough, so before the cheap imitation had a chance to recover, Garu unleashed a series of punches and kicks so quick and intense they would've put Pucca herself to shame.

After delivering one final blow (a well-deserved kick in the balls), Garu watched his clone fall to the floor and scrunch up in the fetal position before passing out and once again disintegrating into the air. Briefly shaking his head in disgust at his memory, Garu quickly switched his gaze over to Pucca. Seeing her stare at him in awe, wearing absolutely nothing under the blanket she was covering herself with, he blushed and turned away.

"Garu…" she said softly, "I…" She looked as though she had so much to say, but couldn't find the right words to express herself. A good minute passed by until she finally ended up settling on, "How can I ever thank you?"

His blushing got worse as he slowly led his eyes over to her. "I don't know—it was nothing..." He paused and took a deep breath before adding, "Well, I guess you could…" Oh god, this wasn't easy, "let me take you out tomorrow."

He couldn't help but smile as he felt himself getting tackled to the floor, actually enjoying the grateful and loving kisses that assaulted his face. He blushed as he noted that the blanket Pucca had been covering herself up with had slipped off, so he gently pushed the naked girl off him and looked away. "You might want to put something on first…"

Pucca nodded, unable to contain her giggle. That was one push away she didn't mind.

I almost put this under satire because of how dramatic it is XP;; Too much?

I went through a lot of edits with this one. I almost gave the Clone a name, but it just didn't work x.x It made him seem too foreign XP So sorry about the redundancy of "the Clone", "Garu's clone", "the doppelgänger"...I actually tried to mix it up a little :P To no avail though XP; But hey, I figured if he wanted a name, he'd go for 'Garu', since he thinks he's the new and improved version—kinda trying to even take over the real Garu's life, by stealing his girl AND his house, stuff like that. So why not his name too? XP

But yeah, thanks for reading, lemme know what you think please!