Street Fighter

The Ties That Blind

Part I

Deep within a thick rainforest, a wild beast roared, its animal call resounding through the jungle. A bright circle of colored light swept outward and expanded in the air, illuminating the forest with its brilliant aura. It flashed across the sky, arcing toward the stars as the creatures of the jungle reacted violently, screaming and thrashing about in the trees.

In a small, secret bunker located nearby, a team of soldiers was busy analyzing the strange light, studying computer displays of energy readings and heat spikes.

"Energy discharge confirmed," one soldier reported with a heavy Australian accent as he read from his computer screen.

"…That's what she said," another put in from the back.

"…Well the credibility of this fanfiction lasted a good thirty seconds at best," a third soldier sighed, sitting back in his chair.

"Sorry," the other answered, stifling a giggle. "I would have lasted longer but that 'discharge' comment was just begging for it."

"Yeah, I walked right into that one." The first soldier shrugged his shoulders. "Still, longer than I thought."

"Again, that's what she-"

"Don't make me take you down under."

"Dude, we're not even Australian," the annoying soldier argued. "Look it up. We're freaking BRITISH-"

"Okay ANYWAY," the first soldier went on, turning away to ignore him, "we've narrowed down the origin of the discharge to the Amazonian Basin-"

"Also known as my underpants-"

"The magnitude of this discharge seems significantly larger than the others-"

"Why, thank you-"

All of the other soldiers in the room suddenly whipped out pistols and trained them on the irritating soldier. He froze in place like a deer in headlights.

"We're only gonna say this once." One hissed out with menace. "STOP. IT."

The soldier gulped and nodded slowly. Only then did the others relax and holster their weapons.

"Alright," a soldier began, typing away at his computer station. "Here's an image taken from a satellite five hours ago." He pushed a button and everyone leaned in close to see.

"EUUUUUGGGGH!" The men all violently recoiled, gagging and making faces.

"Ah. Sorry. I was looking at some gay porn and forgot to close my browser first-"

"Good Lord, you're into that?"

"You're NOT?"

"Focus, boys!" A voice snapped from behind. Cammy, in all her pig-tailed glory, leaned against the far wall and glared at her men. "Now ain't the time to…wait a tic…" She broke off, frowning in confusion. "Since when am I bloomin' Australian?! Me voice was completely normal in Street Fighter II!"

"Just be glad you're IN this one for more than two minutes!" A soldier snorted. Cammy blinked at him and considered her options.

"Croiky!" She burst out. "I parked me kangaroo out back-"

"I told you," the same soldier tried again, "we're BRITISH-"

"Something is out there," Cammy went on over him, eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Something sinister operating from the shadows…but who could it be… WHO?"

There was a short silence as everyone somberly mulled it over.

"Disney?" The soldier from the back piped up.

BLAM!

"To be fair, we DID warn him," a soldier said, smoking gun in hand.

"He shouldn't have talked shit about Mickey," another hissed, kicking the man's body.

"So, wait. Who do you think is responsible?" A third soldier asked curiously.

"Shadaloo, perhaps…" Cammy muttered under her breath. The soldiers all stared at her in confusion.

"Do…do you mean…ShadowLAW? Because I think that's what you mean." The soldier frowned. "And what happened to your accent? You finally listened to the guy and turned British?" The soldiers chuckled and nudged one another.

"You're all a bunch of wankers," Cammy sniffed, tossing her head and marching toward the exit. "Well, I'm off for tea with the queen and then a cricket match. Ta!" The door snapped closed behind her, the men frowning as one in the silence of her departure.

"…Still not as hot as Posh Spice," one commented.

"You got any more of that porn?" Another asked.

"Oh, DO I!" The other laughed, clicking away at his computer. Everyone leaned in again with morbid fascination.

"EUUUUUUGH!"

-Elsewhere-

Far away in a desolate, dirty town, Chun-Li, the Asian beauty with a license to kick your ass, stood in a small office building, questioning a lone police officer on duty. The man sadly shook his head and answered as best he could.

"Sorry, but the princess is in another castle."

Chun-Li stared at him with a dumbfounded expression.

"…Come again?"

"Sorry. Game humor." The police officer flushed and cleared his throat. "The guy you're looking for isn't here. Is there…something I should know about? Interpol visiting this small town, asking questions about…" The man trailed off, gaping at Chun-Li with sudden suspicion. "…Good Lord, are you even wearing anything under there?"

Chun-Li was wearing a huge trench coat that reached to her knees.

"I…you…I should be going!" She hurried toward the exit with a flustered expression.

"Wait you didn't answer-"

Chun-Li slammed the door closed and walked over to a waiting car by the curb. Inside sat Guile, the American with a license to have retarded hair. He raised his head as Chun-Li got in beside him.

"Bad news," she told him with a sigh. "It was another dead end. We'll have to look elsewhere. Maybe we should go to…" She stopped, noticing Guile staring at her strangely. "…What?"

"…Good Lord, are you even wearing anything under there?" He asked after a moment.

"Will you people STOP?!"

"I'm just saying," Guile protested, "you look like a flasher." He paused. "Which isn't such a bad thing-"

"Just drive the damn car!" Chun-Li barked, slamming her car door shut.

"…For me," Guile finished. Chun-Li glared at him and snatched up her cell-phone.

"What was your wife's phone number again?" She asked sweetly.

"Oh God no! Please don't!" Guile begged, shrinking away. "She'll revoke my sex privileges for a year!"

"Then CAN IT with the flasher remarks," Chun-Li growled, stuffing her phone back into her pocket. She sat back and regarded the man for a moment. "You're still not over Charlie, huh?" She asked in a soft voice.

"Of course not," Guile said, turning away. "He was my best friend, a loyal comrade, and a gentle lover-"

"Whoa whoa WHOA!" Chun-Li cut in, waving her arms about. "Time out time out TIME!" She sat back and gaped at Guile in disbelief. "I thought you were just friends with Charlie."

"Well, yeah." Guile paused. "Friends have gay sex to Celine Dion every night, right?" He paused again. "I met Charlie the last time my wife revoked my sex privileges."

"Gawd, this fic is just spiraling downward," Chun-Li groaned and held her head.

"Uh, have you NOT read the other fanfics?" Guile asked matter-of-factly. "This is considered normal."

"NO, and I don't WANT to!"

"Well you should. They're hilarious." Guile stared at her. "You're a total sex-freak in the second one, and the first one you're pretty much a walking, talking camel-toe-"

"Can we PLEASE stay on topic?" Chun-Li sighed, attempting the reign the stupid in. Guile shrugged.

"Alright, fine." He cleared his throat and began. "So. Fighters from all over the world are disappearing. BAD. We're trying to find them. GOOD. We also don't know who's responsible for it. BAD."

"I have a theory," Chun-Li murmured quietly. "…Shadaloo…"

Guile frowned at her, a perplexed expression on his usually flat face.

"B…bless…you?"

"It's the name of Bison's criminal organization, dumbass!"

"Oh." Guile blinked. "So what happened to 'Shadowlaw'?" Chun-Li just sighed again and shook her head.

"Too gay."

"Can't really argue with that. But hey, don't feel too bad about the camel-toe thing," Guile said, patting her shoulder and smiling. "In the second fic it's implied that I had a relationship with Bison!"

"Pffft, like that would ever happen!" Chun-Li snorted and burst into laughter. Guile threw his head back and laughed along with her for a moment before slamming a foot onto the accelerator and peeling out, giving Chun-Li a nasty whip-lash.

-Even More Elsewhere-

In the far-off heart of a thriving city, a black helicopter took to the skies accompanied with sinister background music. Inside, a large, pale man stuffed into an expensive business suit lounged in a chair, speaking with a mustachioed scientist over a computer screen via Skype.

"Sir," the scientist was saying with all seriousness, "if we are to perfect our device, we need…HIM."

The pale man stared at him blankly, blinking several times through the silence.

"…Billy…Mayes?" He finally tried.

"Uh…actually I was talking about that fighter we're after," the scientist coughed awkwardly. "…Ryu?"

"…Can he also be charmingly enthusiastic and wonderfully informative at the same time?" The pale man asked after a moment.

"Sir, we're after him for his fighting technique, NOT his entrepreneurial skills."

"Then who the HELL is gonna pitch our new product?!" The pale man snapped testily. "It'll be a cold day in hell when I let that Sham-Wow butthole do it!"

"That's what I'm getting to, sir," the scientist went on. "See, this Ryu, he possesses a strange power within him, called the Satsui-no-Hadou. With it, he can-"

"Deliver a mind-blowing sales pitch?!" The pale man cut in, gasping with delight. "Genius, man! Genius!" He pointed at the man on screen and yelled over his shoulder. "Someone double his salary!"

"You don't pay me in cash, sir," the scientist said in a small voice. "You pay me in minutes you allow me to live."

"Well then you, good sir, have just earned yourself FIVE whole minutes. Great job!"

"Sir wait that isn't what I-"

The pale man hung up the call and swiveled away on his chair, rubbing his hands together evilly.

"Hmmm…yes…the Satsui-no-Hadou…what a wonderful jingle!" He chuckled and began to hum to himself. "Satsui-no-Hadou, the murderous intent! Like a psycho killer lives inside you paying rent!"

-Somewhere With Snow-

In a desolate, frozen wasteland, Ryu, the fighter in question, stood up to his knees in the snow, training fiercely. His eyes were closed and he stood stock still, ignoring the bone-chilling winds and driving sleet. He was focused, determined, disciplined-

"Gah-CHOO!" Ryu sneezed explosively, the snot instantly freezing in the air with a crackle. The muscular fighter rubbed his arms and shivered. "Freezin' my nards off…"

Okay he's just frozen in place nevermind.

Suddenly a montage began to play as the opening credits rolled, Ryu and his best friend Ken Masters trading blows and dodging punches in a darkened arena. The two sparred, Ryu throwing a high-kick, Ken suddenly lunging at Ryu and attempting an open-mouth kiss before getting shoved back-

"Hey!" Ken whirled around and glared at the camera. "I thought you said I was gonna be straight in this one!"

I tried. I really did. But then you started talking and I just couldn't help it.

"Oh well." Ken shrugged. "If you got it, flaunt it!" He followed up with a z-snap and head-bob while Ryu rolled his eyes from behind.

"I hate you," he stated.

Hey, if you read the other fanfics, you'd understand.

"Enough with the other fanfics!" Ryu snapped. "No-one wants to read them!"

"I thought they were pretty good," Ken put in. "I was FABULOUS in the second one-"

"GOD just WRITE so we can hurry and end this!"

-In the City-

In a sprawling metropolis with glittering sky-scrapers, Ken Masters rode a glass elevator while his attractive secretary stood beside him, reading his schedule aloud.

"At ten you have a board meeting, at twelve you're scheduled for a hair appointment, and at 2:30 you and Tyra Banks are going to…" She broke off, staring down at the floor of the elevator. "…Are you alright, sir?"

Ken was curled up in a fetal position, furiously sucking his thumb.

"…I'm scared of heights," he whimpered out, the whites of his eyes visible. "I think I peed a little." The secretary sighed and took out a pen.

"Dry…cleaning…" She added to the list.

Finally the elevator reached the top floor and Ken was rolled by his secretary as she hurried off to find some Febreeze. Standing up and adjusting his tie, Ken started toward his office but was immediately blocked by a tall, slim woman in extravagant clothing and sporting an even more extravagant hair-do, which was a brilliant crimson and braided down to her knees. Seriously.

"I'm sure you're busy, Mr. Masters," she began in a rush, "but I-"

"How on earth do those glasses stay UP?" Ken wondered aloud, gaping at the woman's odd sunglasses, which seemed to float upon her face. "And where can I buy a pair?"

"I'm the one asking the questions-" The woman cut in hotly.

Ken held up a thick wad of cash.

"Right here!" The woman whipped off her glasses and tossed them to Ken in exchange for the money. "Four hundred…five hundred- no wait!" She stuffed the money into her wallet and faced Ken once more. "I'm Maya, a freelance journalist, and I'd like to ask you-"

Ken, meanwhile, was staring at Maya with an expression of horrified fascination, his eyes wide and disturbed.

"Good LORD," he interrupted, aghast, "it's like the dubbing crew didn't even CARE!"

"…Wait, what-"

"I mean, seriously, there were times when your mouth was CLOSED and you kept on talking and then sometimes it keeps moving and there's no sound! What the hell was the BUDGET for this crapfest?!"

"It came free with the game."

"Oh well that explains it."

"Anyway!" Maya pulled out a small tape recorder and leaned in close. "Ken Masters, I'd like to hear your opinion on the sky-rocketing price of hair-gel." She paused, eyeing his suspiciously. "It's not because you're using it all, is it?"

Ken stared back at her with a carefully blank expression.

"No comment." He frowned in consternation. "…Hey. Wait a second. I'M doing the lip-delay too! AUUUUUGGGHH!" He ran shrieking down the hall and fled into his office. A couple seconds later he poked his head back out. "Hold all my calls."

Later that day, Ken sat in his office room, distracted from his work. On the desk next to him was a framed picture of his wife, Eliza, with a cut-out of Ryu's face pasted atop her body. Ken sighed and stared out the window, his mind on other things.

"Ryu…" he murmured quietly. "What are you up to these days? Still denying your feelings for me? I wonder how you're holding out against the Satsui-no-Hadou." He quieted for a moment. "Maybe the evil you would be interested."

"Sir, are you touching yourself again?" The secretary's voice cut in over the intercom. Ken jumped and smacked the button on the machine in front of him.

"NO!"

"I ruined it, didn't I-"

"I said NO!" Ken let out a tired groan and rubbed his eyes. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves, then hit the button on the intercom again. "It's me. About today's schedule…squeeze in as much as you can. I'm ready to work."

A long, thoughtful pause followed.

"Ohh GOD that sounded so sexy." Ken gasped aloud. "That would make a great pick-up line! Quick, I need to write it down before I forget! Pen, pen…" He began pulling open drawers and tossing out documents in his desperate search. "Where's a damn pen?! Bitch, write it down! What do I pay you for?!"

-Back in the Jungle-

Back in the jungle, Cammy and her Australian-sounding British soldiers were busy investigating the cause of the energy disturbance. Around the team, dead macaws hung from the trees and a huge crop-circle had leveled a part of the forest.

"WHOA! A crop circle?!" Cammy stood on the flattened trees and gaped in horror. "No-one said anything about aliens when I signed up for this shit! Fuck this, I'm OUT!" She turned and tried to make a mad dash for the trees but her men tackled and forcibly pinned her down.

"Calm down, Cap!" A soldier pleaded, holding her legs. "It's probably cute lil' E.T.! He just wants to go home!"

"Screw that!" Cammy snarled as she struggled in their clutches. "Those sick alien fuckers probably want to anally probe us! Go home in our ANUS! Well not on MY watch!"

"Uh, I think this is actually Shadaloo's doing," another soldier commented, glancing around at the surrounding carnage. Cammy glared at the man suspiciously.

"…Shadaloo are aliens?"

"No. They're human."

"Oh." She relaxed.

"Though they ARE pretty gay so they'll probably want to anally probe us, too." The soldier paused. "The men, anyway."

"GOD, how can this get ANY worse!" Cammy wailed.

"Hey, guys, just thought you should know," a soldier with a dirty shovel began innocently, "but right now we are standing on a MOUNTAIN of buried bodies."

There was a long, horrified pause as everyone froze in their tracks and stared at the man.

"…So be sure to wipe your feet REAL GOOD when we get back on base-"

Cammy threw back her head and screamed as loud as she could.

"AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGH!"

-With Ryu-

Ryu, meanwhile, was still engrossed in his unorthodox style of training by doing nothing at all. Now he lay on his back on one of the many dunes of a desert amidst a raging storm, the stinging sands whistling through the air overhead. A sinister voice whispered threats into his ear, taunting and merciless.

"How long must you continue to resist, boy?" The deep voice mocked. "Why do you resist the power within you? What is it that you seek? You have no answer! You-"

"Uh, Akooma," Ryu suddenly interrupted. "Sorry, but…can you wrap this up? I don't have anytime minutes and the overage fees are pretty steep."

He was on a cell-phone.

There was a long, silent pause from the other line.

"Oh. Sorry. How rude of me. I didn't realize…" Akuma cleared his throat. "Uh, well, answer the call of the Satsui-no-Hadou, become all evil n' shit and kill everyone you love. Oh, and call me more often. I'm lonely. Kay?"

"Yeah alright."

"Okay." Akuma paused again. "Kill you later."

The line went dead with a dull *click*. Ryu flipped his phone closed and stared at it with the deepest confusion.

"…How did he get my number in the first place?" He muttered to himself. "Eh, better him than Ken." He put the phone away and leaned back against the sands of the desert, his mind wandering to the distant past. "My earliest memories are of Master Gouken and Goutetsu. I remember Akooma training with them. He was so strong. Then, one day, he murdered Master Gouken. I must defeat Akooma, then I can finally-"

Okay you might wanna try to stop mispronouncing the man's name first. Seriously. Say it with me now. AH-kuma, NOT ah-KOO-ma. Go on.

Ryu frowned and tried.

"A…kilimunjaro?"

…Forget it.

"What can I do?" Ryu wondered aloud, ignoring the annoyed author. "I can't find my true purpose. Keeping my urges under control takes all the power I can muster! I don't know how long I can resist…KEN!"

-Please note that this is actual dialogue from the film.-

Oh dear God. That can only mean…HE'S TURNING GAY.

-With Eliza-

Meanwhile, Eliza, Ken's lovely but incredibly unfortunate wife/beard, was wandering about a large store, gawking amongst the shelves at packs of diapers and baby toys.

"Stupid Ken, making me shop alone," she sighed, grabbing a pack of diapers. "I suppose I'll get some for the baby, too." She grabbed another pack and pulled it from the shelf. Immediately a head popped out through the opening, making Eliza jump and give a little squeak.

"Hi, I haven't been following you all day," Maya said with an innocent smile. "How'd you like to go get some coffee for no apparent reason, just us girls?"

"Of course I would, extravagantly-dressed stranger!" Eliza gushed with delight. "I trust you immediately! Here's my credit-card information and social-security number while I'm at it!"

"…I think we're gonna be great friends," Maya grinned and pocketed the card. "Now where would you like to- oh shit hold on I think I'm stuck-"

-Aaaand Back To Guile and Chun-Li-

Guile and Chun-Li were still busy searching for the missing fighters, riding their car up what looked to be a mother-fuckin' MOUNTAIN. Seriously. That car's got to be all-wheel drive for sure.

"Cammy gave me a call," Guile said to Chun-Li as he drove. "She found the missing fighters we were searching for."

"Really? That's great!" Chun-Li gasped happily and clapped her hands.

"They were found dead, buried together in a shallow grave in the middle of the jungle."

"…You ruin everything."

"Cammy seems to believe Shadaloo to be responsible."

"You sure it wasn't spring break?" Chun-Li asked after a moment.

"Yeah, pretty sure." Guile nodded and ran a hand through his hair (or rather, tried to). "Cammy insisted it was Shadaloo. Though she was rambling on about them being aliens and probing her-"

"Are we in the freaking Himalaya's?!" Chun-Li cut in with a frown, finally seeming to notice the surrounding snowy peaks.

"Shut up, bitch!" Guile snapped back as he gripped the wheel. "Don't tell me how to drive!"

"I swear to God that's Everest over there-"

"I told you, it's a short cut! Don't make me stop this car!"

-And Speak of the Devil-

Cammy stared out the window with a grim expression as the helicopter took off, lifting her up into the sky. Her phone trilled in her pocket and she was quick to answer, raising her voice to be heard over the sound of the copter's engines.

"Yes?"

"Hey, Cap!" One of her soldiers greeted from the other line. "We analyzed all those dead bodies from before-" (Cammy couldn't suppress a shudder) "-and for some reason, all of their cells seem to have exploded! It makes absolutely no sense!"

"It makes PERFECT sense!" Cammy barked into the phone, her eyes widening in realization. "What have I been telling you?! They're aliens-"

"Cap, I think you need to give that a rest-"

Cammy snapped her phone closed and hung up on the man, a look of horror on her face.

"…My GOD he's one of them…" She whispered in a tiny voice.

-Back With Eliza AGAIN-

Eliza was back at home, bustling about the Masters' sprawling mansion cheerfully. She stood before the living room's large mantle and carefully placed a small child's doll atop the ledge, smiling as she adjusted it into position.

"Uh, Ma'am?" A maid pointed out nervously from behind her. "I think there's something a little…strange with that doll."

"Whatever do you mean?" Eliza asked innocently. "My BFF Maya who I've known since TODAY gave it to me!"

"…Ma'am, it's head is a freakin' CAMERA."

"I think it's adorable." Eliza's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Another word and I'll dock you pay."

"You pay me in your old high-heels."

"Don't you back-talk me!"

*Smack!*

Standing on the curb outside, Maya winced at the sound of the slap, holding the listening device close to her ear as she eavesdropped in on the Masters' mansion. The doll was a perfect plant and would easily allow her to spy on the family. She smiled to herself with smug satisfaction, proud to have-

Suddenly Maya froze, sensing a threatening presence from behind. With a sharp cry, she whirled in place, flinging out a fist to strike-

"My hip!"

An old lady with a walker.

"And that was my new one, too!" The old woman gazed up at Maya pitifully. "Whyyyy?"

"Oh God! I am SO sorry!" Maya crouched down beside the woman and began helping her back up. "I thought you were an assassin or someone sent to kill me-"

"Oh, but I AM!" The old lady chuckled evilly and pulled out a gun from her beaded purse.

*Snap*!

"…Well there goes my wrist." The old woman blinked watery eyes from behind her thick glasses. "Goodness, this is heavy. Could you help me, young lady?"

Maya stared at the woman in blank confusion.

"You want me to help you…shoot me?"

"Yes." The old woman paused. "I'll give you a quarter."

"A quarter? Hot damn! Sure, I'll- wait NO!"

-Several Minutes Later-

Maya was on the phone, having a heated argument with her employer while the old lady tottered away with her walker.

"What the hell?! Why did you send someone after me? What is she, your grandmother?! You should have a little more faith in me! You know I'll get the job done!" She stopped and forced herself to take a deep, calming breath. "Listen, my research methods are highly sophisticated and ultimately successful, I know what I'm doing!"

"Maya," the pale man from before growled through the phone, "I am paying you to find Ryu, NOT Ken Masters. I want you to find him as soon as possible. He is crucial for our plan. Have I made myself clear?"

There was a long, drawn-out pause from Maya.

"Ryu is a MAN?!"

-End Part I-