Disclaimer: The title and quotes are lifted from the Regina Spektor song with the same title. I don't own it!
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
Tara could hear crashing in the basement as soon as she came through the front door of Buffy's…of the Summer's house, but it took her a second to recognize the screaming sobs she was hearing as Willow's. She was moving before she had any thought beyond that, dropping her bag uncaringly to the floor and taking the stairs down into the basement two at a time.
Willow had apparently been taking the trash out before she'd started screaming, several garbage bags at her feet, but her hands were busy worrying pale leather straps, her eyes closed with tears streaming down her face, hiccupping sobs. Tara hesitated at the base of the stairs, not sure she should interrupt Willow's grief, but she jumped forward as her lover slapped one of the straps sharply against her own leg, jerking the pieces from her hands.
"Willow! What's wrong?" Even as she asked, a thousand possible answers shot through her mind - Buffy was dead, Dawn hadn't spoken in days, Spike and Giles were barely keeping patrols under control while Willow spent every spare minute with the Buffy-bot, trying to restore the robot back to functioning.
Willow stared at her without seeing, apparently at a loss now that Tara had taken the leather bindings from her. The redhead's eyes were rimmed with red, her cheeks splotchy from crying, while the dark shadows under her eyes that had been growing over the last few weeks were darker than ever.
"Tara?" Willow asked dumbly, blinking at her. "What?"
The blonde pursed her lips, pulling Willow against her with her free hand, breathing quiet reassurances to her. "You were hitting yourself with this," she breathed. "Why?" Willow's head tilted down to look at the item in Tara's hand, surprising the blonde as she smacked it out of her hand. "Willow! Ouch!" Tara yelped, stung by the sharp blow.
Tara's pain seemed to snap Willow out of her haze, and the redhead pulled Tara's hand quickly between both of her own, pulling it up to cover the back of it in kisses. "I'm so sorry, Tara. I didn't mean to, I wasn't thinking, I just…"
Tara hushed her gently, pressing one hand over her lover's lips. "Shh, it's okay, Willow. You just surprised me. What's going on, honey?"
Willow shook her head, glaring at the strips of leather on the floor. "Don't want that to ever touch you again," she said vaguely.
Tara frowned down at the ground, confused. "Touch me?" she asked. "You were hitting yourself with it."
Willow blinked in surprise, kicking the strap away from them violently. "You don't know what it is, do you?" she asked softly.
Tara shook her head, swallowing thickly. "No…"
Willow was crying again, quiet tears slipping down her cheeks. "After…when you were…you didn't remember me, and I had to strap you, you couldn't sleep…I'm so sorry, Tara…" she choked out, growing too overwhelmed to speak.
Tara hushed her immediately, pulling Willow into a hug. "You took care of me. You got me back. You found me, Willow. That's all that matters."
The redhead clung to her, trembling. "I never thought I'd hear you say my name again," she gasped. "I thought I would never get to hold you again. You're my everything, and you didn't know me," she cried, face buried against Tara's shoulder. "You were…in pain…tortured, and I couldn't…I didn't get there in time."
Tara held her tighter, shaking her head. "It wasn't your fault. None of it…" She could feel her throat tightening and she swallowed. "It just happened, baby. I…you…there's nothing we can do…"
Willow groaned, nodding. "I know," she gasped. "Tara, I don't know what…I couldn't do this if I, if you…"
"I'm right here," Tara assured her. "You found me, and I'm not going anywhere." She took a deep breath. "What's going on down here, though? Why were you hitting yourself with that? That was the strap you had to tie me down with?" She spoke softly, trying to calm Willow down.
Willow nodded, sniffling back more tears. "Yes. I was taking the trash out, and it was down here. I don't even know who put it down here, but all of a sudden, I could see you, thrashing around, the look in your eyes…" She choked, her eyes squeezing closed as she saw it again, her precious Tara without thought, or memory, without anything but guilt and shame and pain. "I see it when we go to bed…after you're asleep, I lay there and just watch you, and in my mind you're hurting and you're fighting me while I'm trying to…Tara, I had to!"
"Shh, I know…"
"But then, your nightmares start, and it's like it is in my head, you're crying and you fight me, and I don't know what to do anymore. I need to help you, but I don't know how," Willow said, crying.
"I'm sorry, Willow…"
"No, it's not…you didn't…you don't do anything wrong, Tara. You went through something awful, something I didn't protect you from."
"Willow!" Tara protested sharply. "There was nothing you could have done, about any of it!" She guided Willow's head up to meet her eyes. "I'm sorry I'm having nightmares," she offered softly, holding Willow's chin as the redhead started to shake her head. "But you're doing everything you can, sweetie. That's all I need." She pressed a kiss to Willow's forehead, hesitating for a heartbeat before she pressed a kiss to her mouth. "I need you to be okay too, Willow. We all do."
She knew Willow was carrying Buffy's death with her every second, was carrying their need to hide the Slayer's absence, trying to carry Dawn's grief, Giles', Xander's. She knew there was nothing she could do to make it better for her lover. Buffy was dead. Willow's best friend in the world had died to save them all.
Willow nodded through Tara's grip on her chin. "I know. I'm doing the best I can."
"Oh, sweetie, I know that! I do," Tara agreed quickly, letting Willow's chin go, her fingers gliding over her beloved's freckled skin, gripping her soft red hair gently. "What can I do to help you?"
Willow shook her head brokenly, tears sliding down her cheeks again. "I don't know what to do, Tara. I don't know anything anymore."
"That's not true, Willow. You, you shouldn't have to, but you keep the rest of us from collapsing. We couldn't do anything, any of this without you," Tara told her earnestly. "But I need you to make me a promise, okay?"
Willow nodded quietly, still crying without sniffling, without trembling, and it was a statement to how much she'd been doing it recently that she didn't notice as the salty tears dripped off of her cheeks. "Anything," she promised softly. "Tara, I'll do anything for you."
"I know you have to be strong for Dawn, and for Giles, and Xander, but I don't want you to be that person with me, okay?" Tara pleaded. "I need you to tell me what you need, when you're weak, when you can't keep it up anymore, please? I love you, Willow, and I don't want you to lie to me, ever. If you need anything, I need you to tell me, Willow. I need this from you. I'm your partner. We can't do any of this without each other." Tara dimly realized that she was crying now herself as Willow's hand wiped the tears from her face. "Be as strong as you can be for the others, but the second you cross into our room, or anytime we're alone, you drop it. Anytime you need anything, you tell me. I don't know if I'll be able to help, or make anything better, but I need to try."
"You make everything better," Willow protested. "Tara…"
Tara kissed her again, slow and gentle. Willow responded slowly, her eyes squeezing closed as more tears escaped. Willow slid her arms around Tara, holding her tightly. They separated slowly, Willow maintaining her hard grip on Tara. Willow was breathing hard and she let her head drop forward against Tara's shoulder.
"I love you," Tara breathed, combing her fingers gently through Willow's hair.
"I love you too," Willow responded, her voice rough and muffled as she leaned against Tara. She loosened her hold gradually, taking an unsteady step backward. "I need to finish with the trash," she mumbled.
Tara let her go, watching her quietly as Willow resumed stuffing the trash bags into the big green garbage can. She stepped decisively over the leather strap she'd kicked, but looked over her shoulder in surprise as Tara's hand stopped her from pulling the receptacle outside and to the street. The blonde leaned over and picked up the tangled straps, stuffing them into the garbage can and covering them with the lid firmly, meeting Willow's grateful eyes over the dumpster.
"Thank you," Willow whispered weakly.
Tara nodded. "I'll meet you upstairs, okay? Dawn should be home soon."
Willow nodded, resuming pulling the garbage out to the street. It seemed strange to her that something as trivial as taking the trash to the street was her life now. That, and rebuilding a sex-bot turned their last hope for keeping the Hellmouth from exploding, and taking care of a teenager, and providing Giles and Spike with whatever magical backup they needed.
She hurriedly derailed that train of thought, sure that it would only lead back to the screaming and sobbing that Tara had caught. She had never wanted her lover to see her like that, weak and broken, missing her best friend, and not sure how she was going to make it through the next minute, much less the next hour, day, week, month, year. But Tara knew now how weak she really was, and she still wanted her, wanted to help her.
Dawn was already home when she came in, the teen as speechless as she'd been since her sister's death. Finals were over now, a part of their normal life that seemed completely insane. Willow had managed to keep her grades up in her classes in spite of everything. Tara's had been shakier, her bout of insanity making going to class and studying an impossibility. Giles and Willow had teamed up to help Dawn study, while Tara went to the school and begged an extension from the teachers. But now the youngest Summers, the only Summers left, was out of school. Willow and Tara had been sleeping in Joyce's room while Giles bunked on the sofa since none of them could bring themselves to enter Buffy's room, but the incoming summer vacation would necessitate some changes.
Dawn was sitting at the table in the dining room, listlessly drawing patterns on the wood with her finger. Giles was sitting at the other end of the table, reading quietly. Tara was in the kitchen, but she came into the doorway as Willow came in, the blonde leaning against the wall in silence as Willow took a seat beside Dawn.
They all blinked in surprise as Dawn spoke up, her first words in over a week. "I think you guys should stay," she said, her voice cracking and rough.
"What?" Willow asked softly, one hand resting lightly on Dawn's shoulder.
The teen looked between Willow, Tara, and Giles, her eyes haunted and tired. "I can't live here alone, they'll send me to a home or something. Could you do that? Please? Willow, I don't know what…I can't…" She was starting to lose her control, tears sliding down her cheeks.
The redhead pulled her into a hug immediately. "Of course, Dawn. I'll stay. I'm right here, and I won't go anywhere." She met Tara's eyes over Dawn's head, seeing Tara's sad smile. She wasn't sure that her lover would want to move in here with her, but Dawn needed this and she needed to help her. "I'll stay."
Giles was watching them silently, but didn't want to intrude and he didn't say anything. Buffy's death had hit them all hard, and in different ways. Dawn had lost her sister, and the last of her family. Xander and Willow had both lost their best friend, but Giles had lost his Slayer. What had started as a job, a calling, had become his entire reason for living, and she was gone. Watching the others' grief was painful for him, but it served to remind him that he was not the only one who had lost Buffy.
"Thank you," Dawn choked hoarsely. "Giles, you won't…go anywhere, will you?" she asked, voice weak and small.
He cleared his throat in an effort not to cry, shaking his head as his hands compulsively reached for his glasses. "If Willow is going to be here with you permanently, I think I'll go back to my apartment, but I'm not going anywhere. You know anything you need from me, you have but to ask," he assured her solemnly, trying in vain to muster a smile.
Tara cleared her throat, each of them struggling now not to cry. "Thank you, Giles."
"Tara, you'll stay too, right?" Dawn asked, her head leaning against Willow's shoulder, but her eyes moved up to find Tara. "Here? With us?"
The witches exchanged looks, and the blonde witch swallowed thickly, nodding. "If that's what you want, Dawn. Of course I'll stay."
"Good," Dawn declared weakly. "Willow needs you."
The witches gave each other another look, both heartbroken at the younger girl's pain, and Tara could see Willow's mask of control drop over her features after a brief moment of honesty.
"How's Spike?" Willow asked Giles, one hand stroking softly over Dawn's hair.
The Watcher sighed, resting his head on his crossed arms on the table in a posture of defeat and exhaustion that he previously would not have let them see from him. A lot of things were different between them now. "Tired, but his injuries have healed well enough." He gave her a questioning look. "How long…"
"I got it put back together, and I put the head back on, but I'm still trying to find all of the…other programs that Warren put in there. It won't be walking or talking until next week at least," Willow answered before he could finish the question. "No combat for at least a month. Are you guys going to be able to keep it handled until then? I can patrol with you," she offered. "I came up with a few new spells that should be able to deal some serious damage."
Giles shook his head, letting out a deep breath. "No, Willow, we need you working on the bot. The faster it's operational, the better. We're keeping the vampire populace down, but there will be rumors if Bu…if they don't see the Slayer…"
It took them all by surprise to hear even the first syllable of Buffy's name, sacred and forbidden now that she was gone. Willow hadn't said it since her trip to L.A. to tell Angel what had happened. Dawn hadn't even started to say it, and Giles never got more than the first sound out before he choked.
Willow nodded to break the strange tension left in the remnants of her friend's name, clearing her throat. "I'm doing the best I can, Giles. I'll keep working."
He nodded, pushing his hair back unnecessarily. "Thank you, Willow." His eyes traveled around the room, lingering on each of them before he pushed himself to his feet, letting out a deep breath. "I should go prepare for tonight."
Willow nodded. "Thanks, Giles. I'll keep working on the bot."
He moved out of the room with a nod, the others sitting in uncomfortable silence in the aftermath of the door closing behind him. Dawn lifted her head from Willow's shoulder tiredly, the teen blinking blearily around the room. "I think I'll go upstairs and lay down," she said quietly, barely audible.
"I'll come get you for dinner in a while," Tara said.
Dawn nodded without speaking, moving towards the stairs. As soon as they both heard the door close behind her, Willow pushed herself to her feet, intending to get to work on the robot that was spread across the coffee table and most of the living room floor. Tara's hands on her shoulders stopped her, pushing her gently back into her chair.
"I want to talk to you," Tara said, fingers combing through Willow's hair, the redhead leaning into the touch. "Are you okay with this? Living here…me living here, I mean?"
Willow blinked, sucking in a surprised breath. She studied Tara's face for a long moment. She needed her girlfriend with her, but if it wasn't what the blonde wanted she'd find a way to break the news to Dawn. It wasn't as if she hadn't heard worse recently. She didn't know how she'd be able to go to sleep if she wasn't holding Tara though. To say nothing of waking up and having to face the day without her there, in sight and within reach.
"Tara, I need you, but if you need time, or space, or anything, I'll give it to you. I'll think of something to tell Dawn…"
Tara shook her head rapidly, fingers sliding back into Willow's hair to pull her closer, their foreheads leaning together. "Willow, no! I need to stay with you. God, I don't even think I could close my eyes at night if you weren't beside me." She couldn't stop herself from pulling Willow closer, flashes of her nightmares flying behind her eyes. She didn't realize she was trembling until Willow pulled her gently into her arms, holding her close on her lap.
"It's okay, shh, I'm right here, baby. I love you, and I'm right here, Tara," Willow whispered, pressing soft kisses to her cheeks. Tara steadied her breathing with an effort, finding Willow's concerned, sympathetic gaze. "Want to go lay down?" Willow asked softly.
Tara shook her head tiredly. "No. You've got work to do. I don't want to go without you."
Willow opened her mouth to object, but realized that Tara was right. She needed to get the robot working before she could relax, and she growled in frustration. "I don't want to do this anymore, Tara. I'm tired of being scared, and tired of being tired, and you need something from me, and I don't have it to give right now." She blinked and her eyes were swimming with tears. "Tara, I'm so sorry. You're the most important person in the world to me. You know that, right? Even if I can't show it because I've got to fix the stupid bot, and make sure everyone else is okay, and try and keep everything from falling apart, and she would have been able to do it, but she's gone, and it's just me now, and I have no idea what I'm doing."
"Willow, no," Tara whispered. "It's us. I'm right here. You just have to tell me what you need and I'll do it. Willow, I love you so much." She leaned in before she gave herself time to think about it and kissed Willow. They'd kissed since Buffy's death, but it was always quick or for comfort. So far, their longest physical encounter had been the kiss earlier in the basement. Tara kept herself from pushing into Willow's mouth only through sheer force of will, wanting nothing more than to take comfort from her, but not wanting to push Willow, unsure how the redhead would react to physical affection so soon after everything that had happened.
Willow kept herself withdrawn, swallowing back a whimper as she met Tara's lips gently. "Tara," she groaned against her lips, craning her neck up to kiss her again, deeper this time. Tara responded, one hand in the back of Willow's hair to pull her closer. Willow blinked in surprise as the blonde pulled away from her suddenly, both breathing hard.
"Sorry," Tara panted, leaning her head against Willow's neck.
"No, I'm sorry, baby," Willow said softly, combing her fingers through blonde hair. "Wait…what are you sorry about?"
"The kiss. I know you're not ready…" Tara whispered. "I'm sorry. I'll wait. I can wait…"
Willow shook her head, confused. "I'm not ready? Tara, I've been missing you so bad, but, honey, you've been through so much, and I would never push you into anything you're not ready for. I know you were sick, tortured…at night, you fight me when I touch you. But baby, it'll get better, and I'll wait…"
"You think I don't want you?" Tara asked incredulously, feeling tears slide hot down her cheeks. "Willow…"
The redhead shrugged apologetically. "You…Tara, you can't…"
"Willow, we can't do this anymore," Tara interrupted, wiping tears from her face.