Disclaimer: All characters and scenarios belong to BioWare. I own nothing.
Kaidan Alenko
The bright
red
light.
It looked like the sky bleeding, a splash of crimson across the universe, screaming after us even in the silence of space. The Normandy had shuddered, threatening to rip apart at the seams in the same manner the sky had been torn. Now, we rested on the ground, our instruments scrambled, our hull breached, dead in the water, away from the battlefield, away from the answers we craved.
Now, silence reigned. I looked at the faces of the crew, my brothers and sisters, even if they were aliens. We all had the same question hounding us, tormenting us, chasing us on the edges of that damned red light.
"Major, sit down." Dr. Chakwas ordered, breaking the still. "You've blood on your bandages."
"Normandy, this is Commander Shepard. Need immediate medical evac at my coordinates. Now!" Aeryn's voice, hoarse with hours of screaming. "Kaidan, Kaidan, honey, stay with me, 'kay. Look at me."
I turn my head, trying to make the pain splitting my side seem like nothing, trying to pretend that we aren't in a gore strewn battlefield, explosions shaking the earth, threatening to rip everything to shreds. "I'm okay." I reach up, biting down the hard edge of agony that rips up my back. "I'm good. Let's go."
I shift my legs, pushing against the back of the flipped vehicle, trying to stand. Aeryn grabs me by the shoulders and forces me down. "No arguments, Major." she orders. "Liara, where's that medi-gel?"
"Here, commander." a blue hand extends and Shepard grabs the tube, squeezing it against the hole torn in my side by the shrapnel.
The world fades to this horrific moment as my body tells me that it can't go forward. I grit my teeth, fighting my own instinct, my own knowledge that I can go no further. The numbing effect of the medi-gel takes hold and I'm grateful, grateful because, without pain dragging me down, I can look into Aeryn's eyes, that gorgeous blue like the sky at sunrise, that edge of color mixed with the fading grey of night time, brilliant and bold and…
…tired…so tired…
"Normandy inbound, Shepard." Liara informs us as the ship swoops down amid the chaos and gunfire and lowers the ramp.
My heart rebels, wanting to be with my soldier, my Valkyrie, saving the world at her side, dying with her if necessary.
"Here we go." Aeryn moves to my uninjured side, throwing my arm around her shoulders. "On three. One…"
She lurches to her feet and I follow, biting the inside of my cheek as the pain breaks through the numb of medi-gel, as hot blood rushes beneath my armor and streams down my skin, sticky and uncomfortable, but nothing like the fever in my mind, the soldier screaming not to abandon the battlefield, my brothers, my sisters, my…my lover.
Our rush to the Normandy seems to last forever, but at last we stand on the ramp, my arm tightening because I do not want to let her go. I know her to well. She will rush that gleaming light with all the fury of heaven and hell behind her and I should be there at her side…I should be fighting this war tooth and nail, to the last.
"Aeryn," I whisper her name as she ducks out from under me and Liara moves, taking Shepard's place, "Aeryn, please…"
"Kaidan." her words stop mine, and her lips curve into a smile. "I have to go."
"Please." I clutch her hand and her eyes meet mine, that beautiful smile ripping me in two.
She knows what I won't say, what our profession and our lives won't let us do. She knows I'm begging her to come back, to somehow survive this like she's survived everything before.
"Kaidan Alenko," she reaches around her neck and pulls the chain of her dog tags, wrenching them off of her neck, pressing them into my hand, "I fucking love you."
Her gloved hand reaches up and rests at the back of my neck and her lips are on mine, and all the words we never say pour between us in a kiss that shouldn't exist. Because love breaks hearts, and a soldier can't fight with a broken heart. She knows I will not beg. She knows I will not plead. And I know she will not listen, even if I were to break and become a man, a simple, mortal man who fell in love with a Valkyrie.
"I love you, Aeryn." I breathe against her cheek as the kiss breaks and our foreheads rest together. "Give 'em hell."
Aeryn looks at Liara, and knowledge passes between them. "Get him to Chakwas and get the fuck out of here." she commands.
"Goddess go with you." Liara calls, and I am being pulled away as Shepard leaves the ramp, sets her shoulders, and begins running towards the beacon leading to the closed Citadel.
"There." Karin smeared medi-gel over the staples holding my torn skin together. "That's better."
Her expert hands wrapped my bare torso with fresh bandages as I sat there, numb, waiting for the world to end. It didn't feel right to be breathing, to not know, to not be back on earth, trying to sort out the chaos.
I got to my feet and stood, realizing that every eye rested on me, now the highest ranking officer aboard the Normandy. They wanted answers I didn't have, hope I didn't harbor, though it burned within me, hotter than the shrapnel that had torn into my side. Hope that the woman who had come back from death itself could do it again, and bring with her our safety, our security, our promise for a tomorrow.
I cleared my throat. "I don't have the answers." I told everyone. "But I want them. So let's get them. Tali, you and the engineers try to get the Normandy spaceworthy again. Sam, I want our comms up and running as soon as possible. Liara, help her out there, find out anything you can. As for the rest of you, help anyone who asks for it and let's get back to Earth."
An eerie calm settled over the Normandy as everyone returned to their stations. Garrus walked towards the airlock, muttering something about checking the external damage. Before long, the entire bay was empty. I stared at it, remembering a different speech, a different ship…a different man.
"This is not going to be easy." I stand in the bay, listening to the commander's voice crackle over the comms as she assumes command over Captain Anderson's ship. "But fortunately, 'not easy' is something humans have always done well. It's time we show the rest of the galaxy what we're made of. It's time we give back, and fight hard. There's a huge threat out there, and we're flying almost blind, but I have absolute faith in every single one of you. Shepard, out."
I feel the surge of pride from deep within as the ship comes to life and leaves the Citadel. I've heard the whispers of "suicide mission," and I know it's probably the truth. But right now, after hearing that, I feel invincible.
The commander enters the bay and I snap to attention, rendering a brisk salute. Shepard shakes her head. "At ease, lieutenant." she grins, and there's mischief in her bright blue eyes. "You ready for this, Alenko?" she asks.
"I am." I reply, still daunted by the legend she presents.
Everyone in the Alliance Navy knows about Commander Aeryn Shepard. Her dress blues are heavily weighted with medals, the stories of her heroism put awe in the faces of crusty old admirals and make young officers bristle with envy. But she carries herself like a normal soldier, a simple woman who is anything but.
"If Eden Prime is any indication, we're in for some straight up hell." she mutters, watching everyone at their stations.
My posture falters a little bit as I remember her arms around me, shoving me away from the beacon and the screaming voices in my head. She'd taken my place, having her head ripped apart by whatever the hell was in that thing, and she hadn't flinched. Not talking about it, not in front of the Citadel council, who had tried to shred her story and discredit her in favor of their pet SPECTRE. But she'd held her ground and proved them wrong.
"Hell's relative, ma'am." I say, trying to lighten the mood. "And right now, there's nowhere I'd rather be."
She smiles again and it reaches her eyes. "You a lifer, Alenko?" she asks.
"Hope to be." I try to adopt her informality, to orient myself with my new commanding officer. "A lot of biotics join. If we're going to be watched, might as well draw a paycheck."
She laughs. "Good thinking. I liked what I saw on Eden Prime, Alenko. You're competent, and you keep a cool head. Grab some rack time while you can, because I don't expect you'll be hanging out on the ship all that much."
"Aye aye, ma'am." I find myself smiling as she walks away, and somehow looking forward to what she's all but promised.
I thought it was because I wanted action, I thought to myself as I walked through the ship, looking for internal damage. And maybe it was, at first. I walked through the corridors and bays, listening to the flurry of work, the orders shouted, the sparks of equipment as hasty repairs were made. But it soon became about being in her company. I was star struck…in awe…and then in love.
I examined the bulkheads of the Normandy SR2, remembering her first incarnation, a state of the art ship that combined all of the best and most ingenious pieces of turian and human technology. It was not the sort of place I had imagined losing my soul. Boys dreamed of battle, but men dreaded war, and I had seen enough of the darker parts of the galaxy that I had wanted something different for my heart.
I didn't want to fall for a soldier, I remembered, clenching my hands into fists as I felt the phantom pressure and heat of Aeryn's last kiss. I didn't want a life of meeting and parting across the galaxy. But I didn't stand a chance. Even though I was intimidated, even though she could turn me into nothing with one look…there were those moments…
"Commander?" I stand in the doorway of the comm room, hesitating to enter. There is not enough alcohol in the galaxy to wash away this moment, not enough water in the oceans to dilute the salt our tears.
"Come in, Kaidan." she invites, barely loud enough to be heard. She stands beside the box, the box that shouldn't be here, that shouldn't hold what it does, shouldn't be where it is.
Ashley Williams…I rest my hand on the coffin, thinking of the woman's bravery, from Eden Prime until Virmire, which took her life. I look at my commander, sensing the stillness surrounding her, as though she wishes to freeze time and turn it backwards and make that day as though it never happened.
"I'm sorry, Shepard." I say, knowing that the words do not mean much, but they are all I have to offer.
From the beginning, it was the three of us. Shepard with her dogged determination, brilliant mind, and blazing guns. Ashley with her heart of steel and satin, screaming curses at the geth one moment, quoting the old words of Shakespeare, Frost, and Wordsworth the next, always with a smile and a punch on the shoulder. And me, somewhere in between, just a man and a soldier using the biotics I never wanted nor asked for in defense of the galaxy. Now…there was a hole. Part of us, the human triumvirate, is gone and cannot be returned.
"It should have been me." I whisper, remembering Shepard's voice on the comms, telling me to hang on, that she'd be there, swooping in like a Valkyrie on the field of battle and saving my ass while Ashely paid the ultimate price.
"Don't you ever fucking say that again." Shepard's head snaps up, her lustrous black hair undone and hanging around her shoulders, a veil of un-uniformed grief. "It shouldn't have been either of you; shouldn't have happened at all and…" her voice breaks and she goes to her knees in front of the coffin. "God dammit." she whispers, her invulnerability breaking. "God fucking dammit, Ash."
Forgetting the rank that separates us, the military dictates and rules and regulations, I go to my knees beside the commander and wrap my arms around her, needing both to comfort and be comforted. Shepard's arms grasp me and pull me tight to her, she rests her head beneath my chin and I can still smell the smoke in her unwashed hair. Unthinking, I press my lips against it and her body relaxes as tears flow, free and silent, between us.
I realize, then, that though Shepard's soul is galvanized, her heart made of steel…she is a woman of flesh and blood. That the strength of her words before the crew were the words of a commander, but that these are tears of a simple human being. Raw, mortal emotion. And her body is soft, her breath warm against my chest.
She is just human, I realize, perhaps for the first time. A beautiful, powerful human…but just like the rest of us. Lost in the storm.
I hold her for a moment longer, and the tears run out. She looks up at me, her dazzling eyes rimmed red with sorrow and smudged with exhaustion. "Thank you." she breathes between chapped lips.
I lean down and capture her mouth with my own, a quick kiss that conveys all I cannot say, words that will not have existed the moment we are both in uniform and in front of the crew. But in this moment, we are tired of the fight, and we surrender, needing the raw, primal comfort of touch.
She squeezes my hand, acknowledging what has happened, what has changed between us. "I should go." her ubiquitous words that never fail to make me smile, even in the most troubled of times. She rises shakily to her feet and walks from the room, a strength washing over her…a strength that is a necessary evil.
At least she knows now, I rest my hand on the coffin, bidding my friend and comrade a final farewell, that I will hold nothing against her when that strength fails.
The lights of the Normandy flickered and flashed as power was restored, and a muted cheer went up from the crew. My heart twisted painfully in my chest as I thought of rising into the sky, punching through the atmosphere and screaming back to Earth, where I had left behind the only thing that mattered to me in this damn world.
Why did it take so long? I questioned as I walked towards the elevator to Shepard's quarters, needing to be near her in some way, even though we were separated by distance and war and she might…might be…no. I wouldn't believe it. Why did it take so long for me to come to my senses? Why did I allow myself to hurt and be bitter and…and walk away from her.
The elevator rose in jerking motions, but it was hope enough for me. Hope that the talented engineers would be able to keep power and make this ship functional again. The elevator doors opened and I entered Shepard's quarters, looking at the bed where we had made love before the sky came crashing down around our ears, the low, metallic humming screech of death and destruction as the Reapers descended. Everything was in disorder, tossed around by the crash landing.
All of Shepard's model ships were scattered and broken on the floor, little pieces of plastic and metal splintered into fragments of a puzzle, into pieces of my soul. The aquarium had shattered, staining the carpet. I knelt down cradled the dead goldfish in my hands…it had been a gift, a joke between us...
"An aquarium, Aeryn?" I tease, looking at my immensely proud and satisfied commander. "In space? Really?"
"Why not?" she turns with that sly grin on her face. "Think of it as a metaphor. Fish out of water?"
"Do you mean you in the galaxy?" I run my fingers across her bare shoulder, watching the goose-bumps rise on her flesh and feeling ridiculously pleased with myself as she shudders.
"Exactly." her eyes lower and she looks at me through her thick, tangled lashes. "I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I feel displaced and out of sorts…kind of like a fish would in space."
"Oh? What sort of fish are you?" I tease, wrapping my arms around her waist and layering her shoulder and neck with kisses, all the while keeping one hand tucked behind my back, keeping a secret from her.
"Hmmmm." I feel the low hum in her throat as my lips rest against her neck and it sends shivers down my spine. "A clownfish." she answers. "Perfectly camouflaged, so that I look like I know what I'm doing, where I'm going, how all of this is supposed to make sense. Really though, Kaidan…I don't have a damn clue." her long, elegant fingers run through her hair and tuck it behind her ear.
"I don't think you're a clownfish." I kiss her cheek and pull my hand from behind my back, holding the clear little bag filled with water and a young goldfish.
Shepard stares at it for a moment, her eyebrows pinching together before one lifts in a question. "I don't know how I'm supposed to take this." she says at last.
"You're a goldfish." I smile at her confusion. "Understated, deceptively simple, beautiful, but able to live anywhere and thrive. Also, memory retention of twenty-five seconds."
"Kaidan!" she admonishes, but her shoulders are shaking with muffled laughter. I attempt to pout, which makes her laugh harder, and she takes the bagged goldfish from me and introduces it to its new home. "I love it." she whispers, watching it begin to swim and explore its new, much larger environment. "Thank you."
"I love you, Aeryn." I slide my arm around her waist and she rests her head on my shoulder as we watch the lone goldfish swimming, gleaming in the overhead light like the heart of a star.
"You're growing on me, Alenko." she murmurs, and I know that she is returning my affection, in her own way. It's difficult for her to say the words, but she shows it in the moments when she can, and that is enough for me. I have given her my heart, and my soul. When she can do the same, wholeheartedly, without fear, I'll be waiting.
Until then, just this is enough.
"I'm sorry." I whisper, setting the goldfish back into what water remains in the shattered aquarium. "Aeryn, I'm sorry!"
I remained on my knees, letting the water from the aquarium soak into my pants. My hands were shaking and I couldn't hold it all together. I was just a man, just a man in a great big world, in a great big war. I didn't have what Aeryn did, the ability to hold it all together and push through when it seemed all hope was lost. I didn't have the strength to stop hoping and accept things for what they were.
And in the end, I didn't even have the strength to fall with her in one final, glorious battle. I let her save me because I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe that she'd come back, because she always comes back…she always fucking comes back!
What the hell! I stare at her face, the features I know, the body I have seen laid bare before me…but it is different. There are new scars on her face and…disgust and loathing fill me as I see the symbol on her chest.
"Fucking Cerberus, Shepard?" I ask, cringing as I speak to her for the first time in two years.
"Kaidan," she speaks, her voice even and still beautiful, still the same, even though I saw…I saw you die! I cried at your goddamn funeral! I took leave and drank myself to sleep every night for a month!
She turns to her companions, a tattooed butch and an older, elegant asari. "Can you give us a minute, please?" she asks with no emotion in her voice.
I jerk my head at the soldier who accompanies me and he follows the other two as they depart to a respectful distance. I glare at the woman I fell in love with, the woman who fought against Cerberus at every opportunity, who ranted on and on about their dogma and how it would destroy humanity's hopes for a proper place in the galaxy and now she stands there, looking at me with those blue-sky eyes, dressed in the uniform of everything she had claimed to despise.
"Kaidan, it's not what you think." she explains. "Please, just give me…"
"Is it what it looks like?" I ask, feeling my jaw clench as loathing settles deep in the pit of my gut. "Are you actually working for Cerberus?"
"Yes, but…"
"But nothing, Shepard." I growl, not having the time for this. I've moved on, I told myself. I buried you. I have a different mission now. I'm a different man. "It's been two fucking years. You were dead."
"I got better." she whispers, and I want to wrap my arms around her, press her to me and see if this is real, if she is still human, still flesh and blood, with a beating heart and warm, callused hands.
"It doesn't fucking matter." I glare at her, wondering why it's taken this long, why she didn't look for me, why we've met by chance. "I'd rather see you in the ground than wearing that damn uniform."
Blood drains from her face and her eyes glow like blue fire. The muscle in her jaw jumps and flexes, a movement I remember well. She is chaining down her anger, wearing that façade that no technology can replicate. "I get it, Kaidan. And if that's the way you feel, that's fine. But I've been dead for two years and...that time hasn't passed for me."
She looks at me, expecting something, and I don't know what to say. The galaxy gave, and the galaxy took her from me. "What's that supposed to mean?" I demand.
"I still feel the same, Kaidan." she admits, looking vulnerable and beautiful, shining with the same magnetism that drew me to her before we landed on Ilos and the world exploded at the seams. "It didn't change for me." she looks away. "Jack, Samara, we're moving out."
Her two companions rejoin her and she turns away, looking back one last time, a softness entering the gunmetal blue of her eyes. "You've forgiven me before, Kaidan." she said. "I'll…I'll keep hoping that you can forgive me again."
I got to my feet and tried to control the anger I felt, the anger at the world that had stolen her again. Biotic energy swirled around me and I lifted her desk in the air, sending it crashing to the floor as many times as it took until the composite material shattered, drawers spilling open and spewing their contents, just pieces of her life…pieces…all that I had left.
I knelt down, feeling the beginnings of a migraine. I ignored the pounding in my head and the throbbing in my side, looking down as an old style photograph floated from the wreckage and landed at my feet. I picked it up and stared at it. It had been taken after Saren's defeat, when the Citadel had rejoiced and rebuilt, honoring the first human SPECTRE for her bravery and sacrifice.
My throat tightened as I looked at the picture, Shepard smiling, her left arm in a sling from where the impact of Sovereign crashing into the Citadel had broken it. She stood with Captain Anderson, Admiral Hackett, and Ambassador Udina, who looked at the camera…unlike Shepard. Not my Aeryn. Her eyes looked down and to the right…where I had been standing, bursting with pride as I watched her awarded the highest honor the Council could grant.
It never meant anything to her. I looked at the glass case beside her bed where the commendation rested. The pomp and the circumstance never meant anything. The glitter and the gold and the medals…fruit salad, she called it. My Aeryn. My goldfish. Simple and humble and…So. Damn. Bright.
I slipped the photograph into my pocket, knowing that I was clinging to the remnants of what would never be again. My rational mind knew that she couldn't have survived. We'd seen the arms of the Citadel open, and then that red light from hell, and I'd felt something inside me die.
My future, I realized. A hint of sunlight peered through the windows of Shepard's cabin, glinting off of something metallic on the floor. My heart pitched into my stomach as I knelt down and removed the piece of bright metal, a shape and shade I knew all too well. I turned it over, losing myself in the deep blue, the silver lettering that threatened to rip my lungs out of my chest.
Commander Aeryn Shepard
It was a nameplate for the memorial wall on the Normandy. I ran my fingers over the letters, trying not to believe, trying not to see them even though they were burned in my brain.
She had this made, I knew it, even though I had no confirmation. It was simply Aeryn's way. Realization. Acceptance. Planning. Implementation. She never planned to survive. She knew…she knew she would die.
I wanted to twist the metal in my hands, warp it, break it, let it cut into my skin and force the pain to prove that this was real. I wanted to believe that the woman I loved hadn't foreseen her demise and planned for it. Instead, I cradled it gently, thinking of all the things that could not be encapsulated by her name alone.
Her courage. Her bravery. Her willingness to hide her heart and take on the grief of others so that they didn't break. It's…it's just a name, and a piece of metal. It can never explain her life. It can never take her place. The memories aren't good enough!
But they were all that I would ever have. A few pictures, a few messages, and a name on a wall on a ship that would be de-classed and never flown again…if we had won. The Normandy would stand in her honor, in honor of all the men and women who had fought for the galaxy.
And all she ever wanted, I rose to my feet and walked back to the elevator in a daze, not even feeling the motion as the elevator descended, was to be remembered. Was to have meant something in this world. Oh, my darling, beautiful Valkyrie…you did that…and so much…so much more.
I walked through the bay, towards the memorial wall, in a daze. Every member of the crew stopped what they were doing and looked up as I strode forward, shirtless, bandaged, broken, trying to embody my lover's strength, trying to hold it together for their sake, because that's what she would do. I had been meant to find this…I had been meant to do this for her. Because she trusted me, because she loved me, and because there would be no coffin to carry. This...this slender piece of metal was all that we had left.
A name on a wall…the example of a lifetime…a legend for the centuries.
I stood in front of the memorial wall, reading the names of the brave soldiers we had lost, of those we had loved and eaten with and laughed alongside. They had given so much, up to their very lives. But none of them had given us what Aeryn had. She poured her heart and soul into this ship, she spilled her blood, and her last words to me had been of love. Her last gift had been of love.
I lifted the slender piece of metal and slid it into an empty space, as her heart had fit into mine. My lips trembled as I attempted to hold a straight face, to keep my military bearing, to let everyone surrounding me, who had tears on their cheeks and grief on their faces, know that it would be okay.
I said good-bye to you once, I thought as I turned away from the wall and walked through the throng of people who wanted to touch me, to offer comfort, a comfort I could not accept, because all was not well. I shrugged off their hands and walked into the flight deck, looking down at the pilot, and the lifeless hunk of metal in the co-pilot's seat…who had been the woman he had come to love before, simply...not being there anymore.
"Sit-rep, Joker." I breathed.
"Shut up, Major." the pilot hissed and wiped his eyes. "Just shut the fuck up. You're not her and you can't…you can't be her and…"
"I know." I rested my hand on his frail shoulder. "I know."
He growled and dashed the tears from his face, tears men weren't supposed to shed. "Engineers are saying she should be spaceworthy in twenty-four hours."
"Good." I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. "That's good news."
I went to the airlock and exited, needing to be somewhere that didn't hold so many memories of me, of Aeryn, of us. I stepped into a lush jungle, bright greens and rich, dark earth beneath my feet. I looked at the sky, fading from the dark and into blue, the exact same color of Aeryn's eyes. The light of a new sun struck my face and I closed my eyes, embracing the warmth of a new day, the twittering of birds and life on a planet that had not been brought to ruin.
For you, Aeryn, I opened my eyes and looked to the horizon. I'll try…for you. We had our second chance, and I'm glad…I'm so glad…that's more than most ever get. I love you, goldfish.
"Kaidan!" the airlock door opened and a harried, frazzled asari nearly tumbled out of it.
"Liara?" I helped her to her feet. "What is it, what's wrong?"
"The…the Broker network is up." she gasped, squeezing my forearms to steady herself as she trembled. "Agents are reporting in. The Reapers are dead and they've…they've found her."
"Aeryn." my heart stopped beating as I searched Liara's wide blue eyes.
"Kaidan, she's alive." tears welled in the asari's eyes and fell down her cheeks. "Critical condition…but she's alive."
"Aren't you tired of it, Aeryn?" I ask as we speed towards Earth, ready to bring the fight to our enemy and end the cycle of destruction. "How many times are we going to risk our lives to save this galaxy? How many more lives are going to be lost?"
How many times do I have to face losing you?
"Silly boy." she pulls me closer and kisses the tip of my nose. "This is it, y'know. The last time we'll ever have to kick these bastard's asses."
"How can you know that?" I demand, sitting up, angry at the world that takes her and scars her and throws her back into the battle half dead.
She sits up and smiles at me, tossing her beautiful hair behind her. "Third time's the charm, love." she says, repeating it, as if to convince herself. "Third time's the charm."
Author's Note: This is a little one-shot and a happy birthday to Heather Fries, who has been such a constant source of encouragement and inspiration ever since I started writing fanfiction. I hope it's everything that you asked for, and thank you for the privilege of being able to write it for you. I hope your birthday is wonderful!
Bright Blessings,
~Raven Sinead