Summary: Harm must come to terms with the death of someone he loved. Character death-but not exactly what you think.
Disclaimer: JAG doesn't belong to me and never did. Unfortunately. Because if it HAD belonged to be, Mac and Harm wouldn't have taken ALLL that time to finally get together! Anyway, just playing here and will put them back safe and sound when I'm done.
Author's Note: This was the first fanfic I ever wrote in my life. I posted it years ago on a JAG fanfic list, so if anyone reading this finds it familiar, you probably saw it on that list or another like it, since I did allow the list to share my fic. I was recently watching JAG on cable, and I remembered about this fic. This is a little AU for Mac and Harm and where things went for them-basically it kinda went AU from about after Mac and Brumby broke up. So read, enjoy, and please REVIEW!
Letting You Go
Hello, sweetheart. I've brought you some flowers. White roses, your favorites. Webb even managed to bring one from the White House rose garden. He told me to say he misses you. We all do, so much. Even after a year, it still aches. Every day I expect you to come around the corner and tell me about your day, but you never do. And the hurt hits again.
It's a pretty day. The sky has just a few clouds, and the birds are singing. Everything's blooming. It almost seems more a park than a cemetery. You know I come here a lot, to think, and talk to you. At first, I couldn't bring myself here, but now…it helps to just sit here near you, almost like you can hear me best in this place.
Bud and Harriet come by, once in a while. They miss you, especially Harriet. You two were pretty close. Admiral Chegwidden, AJ, told me he came by the other day. You always had a special place in his heart. Even these past few years, when he was away, he sent you a card to see how you were.
I wanted to talk about that day. The day you died. I come here and talk about everything to you except that. But it's been a year, and I think I'm ready. It was warm that day, like today, remember? We were walking across the park, for a picnic. You were laughing, smiling that incredible smile.
I remember thinking life was good. Career, family, friends, all on track. Perfect weather, in comfortable jeans instead of a uniform, a park that wasn't crowded. I smiled at you, and your eyes twinkled. I thought, "Harm, you are one lucky man." God, it only took an instant for my whole world to collapse.
You saw him before anyone. You always were alert to the little things. Witnesses said, later, that he'd been hunched over and his eyes were darting nervously, but no one wanted to say anything. We tried a case against him, and he lost, just got out of jail after two years.
He pulled out a gun, moving before anyone could react. Anyone but you. You recognized him, saw that he had a target in mind, who wasn't looking at him. You were closer, I was too far. You moved, pushed the target out of the way. I heard the shots, saw you jerk as they hit, saw you fall.
They say in a moment of total terror, you can also have a moment of total clarity. I did. I turned to the shooter, saw him as clearly as if he had a target on him. I don't know when I pulled out my gun, it was just there, and I shot. Time stood still. Then he fell, and it all rushed forward.
I dropped the gun, rushed over to you. You were so still, so small huddled on the ground. I dropped to my knees, I was afraid to touch you; afraid I would make it worse. But I picked you up, held you in my arms, felt your blood running over my hands. You felt so boneless, your dark hair spilling over my arm, those beautiful liquid eyes unable to focus, rolling.
I yelled for someone to call 911, and whispered frantically to you, telling you to hold on, to fight, just hold on. You were a fighter, you'd always been a fighter, don't you dare stop fighting now. You could make it, you'd never let anything beat you. You looked at me, smiled just a bit, and formed the words "I love you," you had no breath to speak, just before you fell unconscious. I was still whispering when the ambulance came and took you.
At the hospital, they made me wait while they took you to surgery. I sat there, in shock. I looked down at myself. My hands, my shirt, covered with your blood. So much blood. I couldn't believe it. Just a little while ago, you'd been laughing, joking, enjoying the fresh air, and now…
Later, I don't know when, the surgeon came out. His face was so sad. I felt the panic rising in my gut. No, no, no, "I'm sorry, she lost too much blood, there was so much damage, we tried everything," no, dear God, no, "we couldn't save her, I'm so sorry," NO! Shaking my head even as the tears rained down my cheeks. He took me to you.
At your funeral, I looked at you. You just looked like you were sleeping, except for the awful stillness. The room was filled with flowers in bright colors, except for your favorite white roses all around you. At the cemetery, after they lowered you into the ground, the numbness wore off and it hit me. I dropped to the ground. I barely even felt Bud's hand on my shoulder. I realized, then, there would be no more laughter, no more jokes, no more coming home to hear about your day, no more telling time accurately in any time zone without a watch, no more all-day shopping trips for the absolutely comfortable shoe, no more hugs, no more hearing you say you loved me.
The tears coursed down my face then, hot and painful, but somehow cleansing. I was crying for you like I'd wanted, needed, to, for the past few days. More tears would come later, but these allowed me to start to heal.
So, it's been a year. It's been difficult, at times. Most of the time. But we've all gone on, because you would want us to.
Did you know that you saved a life that day? The shooter's target received only a minor wound, a graze that healed rapidly. And, honey, I'm more grateful to you for that than I could ever say.
She's coming towards us across the grass; can you sense her? She stops, sits down by us. She gently traces your name on the marker, then looks over at me and smiles through the tears that fill her eyes. God, that smile, it's your smile; I can see you every time that she smiles.
"Hi," she says softly.
"Hi," I reply, just as softly. We sit for a minute, just absorbing the beauty of the day.
"Where are my other two kids?" I ask.
She smiles, gestures to the car. "They thought you'd want a little time alone with her."
I look over to see Harm III and Maddie looking at us from the car. They wave. Trey is very protective of Maddie these days. And Maddie, well, she looks like you more every day.
I look back at your marker. How can I say thank you? How can I express my gratitude for your sacrifice? Losing you was hard enough, but to have lost her…I don't know what I would've done. She's been a rock, even though she lost you, too, and says if she'd been paying attention, you might have lived. She picked out the song we played at your funeral, an old Sarah McLachlan one. I thought of the last lines before I came here.
Don't let your life pass you by,
Weep not for the memories.
I realize that you would want us to go on, to remember the good times, not to cry. So we do, because we know you'd want it, even though it's so hard.
She sits next to me, places an MP3 player in my hand.
"I brought this song. I thought you'd want to play it for her." A single tear slips down her cheek. She traces your name again. "She always loved it."
She says, "I'll leave you alone with her," and starts to get up. I grab her hand, pull her down next to me.
"She wasn't just my miracle, she was ours," I say, staring deep into those beautiful brown eyes I've loved ever since that long-ago day in a beautiful rose garden. "Sarah, she would want us both here."
I pull her slender body close. Mac, my Mac, my love, my wife, the mother of my children. Did you know you saved your mother's life? Thank you.
I push the button. "There are two things I know for sure/ She was sent here from Heaven, and she's Daddy's little girl…" You were, you were our angel, my special baby girl. Katherine Sarah Rabb, my first-born child. You reminded me so much of Mac; maybe that's why you were my girl. I repeat your mother's gesture, tracing your name, tears sliding down both our faces. You always said it was our song, so perfect in describing us.
I hear the words of the song, and wish for what could have been. You did look like your mother, so much, but time will never pass for you. I will never see you getting ready to be married, never see you in a white dress, never give you away. I will never see your children, never see you look at them the way Mac looked at you.
I hear the last few words. "I know I've gotta let her go/ But I'll always remember/ Every hug in the morning/ And butterfly kisses." I suddenly feel you all around me. Mac suddenly jerks her head up. She can feel you, too.
"Oh, God, Harm, she's here." I nod.
I understand, sweetheart. You're here to say goodbye. Today was about talking to you, sharing with you my feelings; being able to, finally, let you go. I will always remember you, my sweet baby girl, I will always remember your hugs, your kisses, your smiles, your beautiful blue eyes, your "I love you" every day. You will always be my daughter, always be in my heart.
But I think I can go on. I can go on with my Sarah, with your brother and sister, with my friends and career, just like you would want. I can go on without you. I will still miss you terribly, we all will, and I can't promise no more tears, but I can promise I will heal. I know your mother feels the same way.
I stop the player, stand up and pull Mac up with me. Arms around each other, we look down at your grave.
"Goodbye, angel," she whispers.
Goodbye, my Katie girl. I suddenly feel a lightness, a warmth, and I know you are saying you love us and will watch out for us, our very own guardian angel.
We start to walk away. I hear a bird sing in the distance. I love you, sweetheart, I can let you go, but I will love you forever and always. Goodbye.
I love you, too, Daddy, Mom. Goodbye.