The Happy-Joy-Love Club by Bratskigirl
He stood still like a statue, mouth opened, but no words. Judging by his face, April wasn't even sure he'd heard what she said.
"Ethan, did you hear me? My period is late." Still…no response. This troubled April, because if she hadn't seen him blink (once every 30 seconds) or could feel his clammy hands, she'd think he was dead.
Honestly, she hadn't realized how much was actually spoken in those two little words, until she saw Ethan's reaction. "He's probably thinking I expect us to get married or think it's too soon after just getting back together," she thought, which she was sure could be resolved with one conversation. However, the thoughts she found hard to ignore were the ones that gave her pause. "What if he doesn't want kids? Or what if he doesn't want kids with me? What if he doesn't love me?" And as if on cue, her doubt reminded her how he dealt with learning Emily was pregnant. "Oh my gosh, what if he wants me to get RID of it?" April's heart sank, desperate for a response. Shaking his hand vigorously, April commanded "Ethan say something!"
Finally pulled back into reality by her voice, Ethan jerked his hand away and looked up at April. "I have to go." And before she could press him for a reason, Ethan stepped quickly around her, excused himself from the dinner party, and shut the door behind him.
Stunned and feeling frozen herself, April slowly moved her limbs and let her brain reboot. Ethan had surprised her by leaving, especially since they were making contingency plans to care for Vincent together not too long ago. But therein was the key- caring for Vincent was something he HAD to do, not necessarily wanted to do. "Either way little one," she began rubbing her belly, "your mommy will always be here for you, even if your daddy isn't." April wiped her tears away and put her game face on, because Emily, Bernie, nor his wife, needed to know there was a problem.
Lightly coughing while re-entering the room, provided a reason for April's watery eyes and flushed cheeks. When she was with Tate, she had become an expert at disguising her pain and conjuring plausible reasons for her looks of distress. "April, Ethan said there was an emergency," Emily started, "Do you need to go too?"
April sipped her water and planted a gentle smile on her face. "Not right now. Apparently, they wanted an infectious disease consultation from Ethan, but once he's assessed everything I'll probably be called in too. I can stay for a little while longer, as long as you drop me off at the hospital." Emily nodded smiling in appreciation for April's continued support.
A couple of hours after Ethan bolted, Emily put Vincent to bed and drove April to the hospital. "Was it really an emergency? Or did Ethan just want to get away from me and my unusual living situation?" April could tell Emily suspected it was the latter.
"Of course it was an emergency. Do you actually think he'd have left me, if it hadn't been?" she responded quickly, although at the moment she wondered.
Emily sighed in relief. "You're right. He'd never leave you behind just to get away from me."
"Emily, you know your brother. He loves you and Vincent, and wants the best for you. And yes, he thinks the arrangement is a little unorthodox, but also admitted it may be the best option for all involved." April was happy her explanation had given Emily some peace, but at the moment she couldn't understand why she was defending a man who left her flat! "Love is what Love does," was something her grandmother used to say. And considering what happened tonight, April figured love was the reason why she covered for him- she loved him more than her hurt feelings. She just wished he had loved her more than his displeasure at the situation.
When they arrived at the hospital, Emily was the first to notice Ethan's jeep. "Wow, it's been hours and my brother is still here." April noticed too, but since she hadn't received a call, she was pretty sure there wasn't an emergency.
"Well, let me get in here to see what's going on," April stated as she hugged Emily's neck. "Kiss Vincent for me and I'll speak with you later."
"Sure thing," Emily answered driving away. April waved as Emily drove off, but didn't enter the ER once the younger woman was out of sight. Instead, April planned her route home, as it was an extremely exhausting day.
Ethan unlocked the door and when he walked in, April's absence was palpable. "April?" he called, hoping to hear her voice ring out in response, but nothing happened. He called her but he only got her voicemail. "I'm sorry but the party you have reached is unavailable at this time. Please leave a message at the beep." Ethan was confused. He had left Bernie's house hours ago, so why wasn't April home? And as the train rocked her gently in her seat, April decided she'd give her baby the best life possible, no matter what Ethan chose… because for her it wasn't a choice!
The initial knock didn't wake her, but the jangle of his keys echoed throughout her apartment like a bullhorn. Alarmed and extremely disappointed, April robed herself and bolted toward her front door.
"April?" Ethan replied startled by her abrupt appearance.
"What are you doing here Ethan?" The clipped sound of her voice raised the hair on the back of his neck.
"You weren't home, so I figured I'd tried here. And I called but your phone was off."
Her quickened breath and crossed arms reiterated the anger (or maybe hurt) he was sensing, from her.
"This IS my home, Ethan! Your apartment is YOUR home, not mine!" Blowing a hard breath, she continued. "Look Ethan, it's obvious you don't want this baby, or maybe you just don't want one with me," she paused, "but it doesn't matter. You know what I believe and if I am pregnant, I'm not having an abortion." Ethan began to speak, but she raised her hand to stop him. "DON'T! The truth is, it's my fault. I assumed because I loved you, and I thought you loved me, you'd be excited that our love had created a little life. But seeing how you reacted… how terrified you were, it occurred to me that I had romanticized our relationship."
"April, let me explain," Ethan begged, but again she stopped him.
"I have an appointment with Dr. Grant tomorrow and once I have all the info, I can let you know if you want," she remarked with a sigh of resolve.
"Of course I want to know." She shook her head in anguish, with tears streaming down her face, as she began to push him out her door. "April, I'm so sorry. Please let me explain."
She straightened her back and looked directly at him. "Look, I know what's what- stay away from me." Her statement was so final, Ethan hesitated to speak, but he needed to make her see his side.
"April, please don't push me away."
"Ethan, looking at you only reminds me of your reaction and I can't handle that right now. So once I know, I'll tell you and you can decide how involved you want to be. But either way, this baby will know it is loved, even if it's not by you!" And with that she shut the door on him, but he had hoped not on them altogether.
The next day, April expected a doctor to enter the exam room, just not the one that did. "Ethan! What are you doing here?" she asked noticeably perturbed. Dr. Choi ignored her question, at first, and thanked the nurse for escorting him to April's room. Once the door closed behind Nurse Tammy, Ethan responded.
"If you are pregnant, it's mine, so I have the right to be here! And since you wouldn't talk to me last night… I'm here." April rolled her eyes. "Roll your eyes, I don't care. But remember it's better for the baby if you stay calm." he responded as he crossed his legs, leaning back in a chair.
The "eye daggers" she shot would've concerned him, if he believed she didn't love him anymore. But he chose to believe her love for him was as real as his was for her… so he hoped within himself that this too shall pass.
"Hello April," Dr. Grant greeted as she entered the room. "How are y…" she hesitated when she noticed the male visitor. "Dr. Choi, were you looking for me or something?" Ethan looked at April, but before he could, April spoke up.
"Dr. Grant, if I am pregnant, Ethan is the father. So, please proceed."
"Ok. Well, that's that. Let's take a look shall we?" Dr. Grant rubbed the wand over April's belly, making several sweeps, looking more confused with each pass. "April, you say you're late?" The patient nodded but Dr. Grant's tone alarmed Ethan, as if there was a problem. As Ethan came to stand beside April, Dr. Grant began asking more questions. "Have you had any bleeding or clotting since you realized you were late?"
"No. Nothing like that."
"What about cramping or pain?"
"No," she answered raising up on her elbows, "just a little nauseous." Dr. Grant's expression was grim. "What's wrong?" April questioned, unconsciously latching onto Ethan's hand.
"Well, there doesn't seem to be anything implanted in your uterus," she paused, "but let me look one more place." Dr. Grant made a wider sweep on her belly and discovered the fetus. "There it is." April and Ethan looked at the monitor waiting for an explanation. "April it seems you have an ectopic pregnancy, meaning the fetus has attached to the walls of your fallopian tubes- the right tube specifically."
As her eyes began to water, April steadied herself for the answers she most dreaded. "Is this because of my TB? Does this mean I can never have a baby?" Ethan squeezed her hand, while they waited on baited breath for her answer.
"Of course there are no guarantees," she began, "but your TB seems very much under control. I think we could even lessen your dosage, so I don't think that's the issue. And as far as having a baby, I think that is also possible. This fetus looks about 4 weeks, but there is some scar tissue blocking the path to your uterus; which is why I think it implanted on the tube wall."
"Scar tissue? Ethan inquired.
Dr. Grant looked for April's nod before answering. "Yes. I think it's probably the result of April's miscarriage a couple of years ago. But if we remove the fetus and the scar tissue right now, we remove the possibility of you hemorrhaging and give you a great start to hopefully building your family in the future."
"Thank you." They chimed in response.
"Well, yes. Uh… let me go see when we can get you in- the sooner the better." Dr. Grant shut the door behind her and immediately April jerked her hand away from Ethan's grasp.
"I guess you're happy, huh?" she accused as she wiped water from the corners of her eyes.
"Happy? Why would I be happy?" he responded unsure.
"You never wanted this! Now you don't have to worry about it." April yelled, slowly rising to a seated position.
Infuriated by her accusation, Ethan decided she was going to hear him out- one way or the other. "That's it! You didn't listen to me before, but you are now."
"No Ethan! We aren't doing this now." Just then Dr. Grant walked in. "Dr. Grant, we apologize for disturbing your office."
"It's ok. Let's just get you taken care of. I can take you tomorrow afternoon at 3PM and you can go home the next day."
"Well, I don't know if…" April started, but Ethan cut her off.
"Tomorrow will be fine. We'll be here. How long will she need for recovery?" His take charge attitude surprised the ladies in the room, but he didn't care. It was her health and he wasn't going to let her postpone taking care of herself.
"Well, with minimal movement, it usually takes a few days to a week to fully recover." She paused while she attempted to assess April's reaction. "However, April is my patient and therefore, she will be the one who determines if or when we will proceed." The doctor's professional chastisement caused Ethan to withdraw from April's side.
Surprised by his reaction, April spoke up. "No, he's correct. I will be here tomorrow. I just need to arrange coverage for myself while I recover. Thank you Dr. Grant." And with that the doctor nodded and left the room. April dressed in silence, avoiding Ethan's gaze. When she grabbed her bag to exit, Ethan blocked her path. "Ethan, please. I don't have the strength to argue with you anymore."
"I know," he started slowly caressing her arm, "but we need to talk. So I'm taking you home and we're going to clear the air." Worn down, April agreed and they left the office, with Ethan hoping they would finally walk into some type of understanding.
"Thank you Ethan for getting me home. Now you can leave." April dismissed.
"I know you think I didn't want the baby. But if you'd let me explain, I think you'll understand."
With a loud sigh, she sat down. "Fine. Talk."
"When I left Bernie's, I did go to the hospital. But I went to meet Dr. Charles. See, I felt a panic attack coming on, and I didn't want you to get the wrong idea, so I figured I should leave. It didn't dawn on me that leaving would send you the wrong message too." April, emotionally exhausted, was listening so Ethan continued. "Dr. Charles helped me calm down and voice what was really happening with me."
He sat down next to her, but when he reached for her hand, she pulled away. "April, I was elated at the thought of you being pregnant… having OUR baby. I was thrilled! But almost immediately I realized, though our child would have the greatest mom, they wouldn't be as fortunate to have me as a dad." Agitated he got up and began to pace. "I mean what kind of father would I be? I'm a vet who still has panic attacks. I have trouble expressing my feelings and I get angry when I'm afraid or inadequate. I judge people harshly and always want things my way. I don't have a close relationship with my family and my relationship with my dad is NOT a model I'd want for my kids. And honestly, If I failed or disappointed our child, I'm not sure I'd survive that. Hell, I can barely handle you being disappointed in me."
Her feelings were conflicted. Looking at his face now, while explaining what had happened the night before, April recalled the initial shock and terror she'd seen on his face. She couldn't let go of the nagging feeling that his reaction was about her and the baby, not feelings of inadequacy. But knowing how difficult it was for Ethan to talk about his panic attacks and vulnerabilities, April found herself wanting to believe him.
"Ethan, although I understand why you left now, I can't get over the pain I felt when you did." She motioned for him to sit down. "Your first instinct was to run away at the thought of us having a child. The thought of a baby caused you to crumble in terror. A baby is supposed to bring joy and happiness into our lives- not fear. And even though we didn't plan it, the thought of our baby was pure joy for me- unlike anything I've ever felt… because I was pregnant with the man I loved… and who loved me as I was- without needing to change. But then you ran out, left me alone, and forced me to consider what life would be like without you. I was a card carrying member of the "Happy-Joy-Love Club" at that moment, but obviously you weren't."
"April, I'm so sorry I left. I'm sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry."
"Ethan, I understand you can't control a panic attack- I get that. My concern is that the thought of a child caused you to have one." Turning to face him squarely, April braced herself for the answers to her next questions. "Ethan, we never talked about it before, but, do you even want kids?"
His mouth dropped, an outward expression of his plummeting heart. Once again Ethan reached for her hand, but this time she didn't recoil. He held her hand in his. "April, I do want kids, but you were right, I wasn't as happy as I would've been about the baby." Her lips pressed together and she yanked her hand away from him.
"Well you got your wish! There won't be a baby now. And you don't have to worry about "settling", by having one with me." April rose to her feet in anger and heartbreaking sobs that caused her to lose her balance. Ethan pulled her into his arms, despite her initially pushing him away, and began to cry with her. Their shared tears seemed to cut the cord of the tethered blanket of sorrow and anguish over them.
"I wish you could hear the truth in my words, when I tell you that having a child with you is not settling. It'd be a gift I could never repay… a blessing I could never deserve." And once again, it was as if the love in their hearts spoke the words they couldn't. Assured of their feelings for one another, both were consoled amidst their shared loss.
The sensation of her hand on his cheek grabbed Ethan's attention. "What did you mean when you said you weren't as happy as you would've been about the baby?"
"Well, I'd want the baby to have the same last name and its mom and me." He took a minute to let his statement sink in. "We weren't there yet, so though I was happy at the thought of a baby, I regretted not being married when they arrived." A small grin crept onto her face. "Sorry, I know I'm old fashioned."
"Well, you know, it's really nice when we agree on something," she chuckled. "I'd wanted us to be married first too."
"Ok," he paused happily, "What does that mean for us?" he asked.
April took a deep breath. "We've come a long way in understanding and respecting each other- personally and professionally. You've stopped acting like I'm some subordinate, paid to work for you- You treat me like I work with you. You treat me like a partner, in life and love. But it seems like we still have far to go. I mean we love each other, but is it worth it to keep trying? Is our love enough?"
"What does that mean?" he asked with a slight panic in his voice.
"Ethan, I apologize for thinking the worst of you and treating you so horribly. But it just seems like we do more harm than good to each other. SHOULD we continue or try separate paths?"
Taking her hand, he slowly led her from the kitchen to the couch. "April, I think we should. I apologize for running out instead of asking for help or telling you what was happening. But for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm on the right path. I mean, yes it has its ups and downs, but with you I don't doubt where I'm supposed to be. Sometimes I'm judgmental; unyielding; condescending; and arrogant, but you find a way to look pass those faults and you still care for me. And when I'm afraid or want to crawl into a hole…like last night, your love gives me the strength to fight through it." He recalled what Dr. Charles had helped him see yesterday. "See, Dr. Charles helped me see how I have grown and am overcoming my hang ups. Although I was afraid of what I would be like as a father, I loved you so much I sought help, so that I could have the life I dreamed of with you. I don't want to imagine my life without you. I'm safe with you. I'm home with you. The light of your love, makes all the dull landscapes of my life brighter in color. With you I have someone who believes in me and what I could be, despite what I am right now. You're someone I can trust and be vulnerable with, without fearing I'll be betrayed. I can open my heart to you fully, knowing you won't use or abuse it. With you, I have someone I can and want to share my life with, even when you're a pain in my butt. With you, I'm better- a better man… a better human being. Truthfully, I don't deserve this happiness, but each day I do my best to make you as happy as you make me, because your love is the greatest gift in my life. And I'd be overjoyed if you'd do me the honor of becoming my wife." On bended knee, Ethan revealed an emerald-diamond ring, hoping April's answer would grant him membership into the "Happy-Joy-Love Club".
However, April's gasp and lack of response was less than reassuring.
[12 months later]
Looking out the exam room window, she rubbed her belly thoughtfully.
"How's the 'Bean' today?" April turned too quickly toward the male voice and became slightly dizzy.
"The 'Bean' would be fine, if you'd stop wearing that aftershave. I told you it makes me nauseous."
"I don't wear it all the time."
"I can't tell the difference," she responded.
His hand slowly wrapped around her and he faced her belly button. "How's my Beanie today?" he asked and the baby answered with a furious kick.
"Oof!" she huffed, as she sat down. "Noah, what are you doing here anyway?"
"Dr. Will Halstead commanded me to be here, until he can get out of surgery. So I did as I was told- you know he IS my boss." He answered, sitting downwind, trying to not make her nausea worse.
When Nurse Tammy took vitals and alerted her Dr. Grant was running about 15 minutes behind, April decided to lay down while she waited. However, when Dr. Grant arrived, Noah wasn't there anymore… Ethan was. "Dr. and Mrs. Choi, do you want to know the sex of your baby?"
"Yes" he affirmed, but April didn't want to know.
"How about I tell you outside, once I finish the exam. Does that work?" The parents nodded and Dr. Grant continued the exam. The baby was healthy with a strong heartbeat and even waved at them.
Happier than she's ever been, April began to talk to her little 'Bean'. "Hi Beanie! Your daddy and I love you so much. We can't wait to meet you." Just then, Ethan returned beaming with pride. "Whatcha smiling about handsome?"
"I'm just happy… a card carrying member of the Happy-Joy-Love Club!" he answered as he kissed his wife and unborn child, knowing no matter what occurred, his membership would never expire.
THE END