Behind The Times
in which
Naruto has a thing for creepy old men

--Warning!--
Lots of bad, inappropriate stuff and horrible writing because its all I'm willing to do and I don't care if it sucks. This was supposed to be serious. And then it just ended up not.
Read at your own discretion.

October tenth.

It came every year, without fail, after the ninth and before the eleventh of October.

And like all Octobers before it, that year would have come to a close like any other had that day not heralded the birth of one blond-haired, blue-eyed rascal by the name of Uzumaki Naruto. With his birth came a devastating upset in the widely accepted definitions of some prominent words. Of these, brash, determined, stubborn, and idiot all inevitably become synonymous with the Uzumaki personality.

"Dude, I think your dad is gay."

Subtle was one of the lucky few that escaped revision (along with intelligent, tactful, and the like). In fact, under the entry's list of antonyms was a simple, "See: Uzumaki Naruto."

And so, at the tender age of twelve, Naruto forcibly carved an everlasting relationship with one Sasuke Uchiha (all things Naruto was not) in the form of a black eye, a split lip, and a limp that lasted a week.

Naturally, the two became conjoined at the hip the very next day. After all, what boy didn't want to be beat to a pulp by his best friend on a daily basis?

It was unsurprising, as a result of their rather twisted version of Siamese twins, that Naruto would be constantly exposed to Sasuke's very gay father – a father who was actually a rather lousy guardian, and very old one at that – and viewed as untrustworthy by adults and children alike (Sasuke being one of those who had the common sense to dislike the man).

Orochimaru was every bit the snake his name implied, a pure pedophile, one could say; although, a twelve year old could hardly tell the difference between a well-meaning stranger from a killer, let alone comprehend the questionable motives of a prominent adult in his life.

Nevertheless, the few warning bells that survived the naivety with which Naruto was born rang furiously when the man offered private lessons for when the he expressed having trouble in some of his more difficult subjects.

"Because Sasuke never seems to have any trouble. I feel quite useless when I feel I need to give guidance," was the man's raspy explanation, said with a grin and an entirely unnecessary swipe of his tongue across his lips.

Unfortunately, those bells just didn't seem to ring hard enough. Naruto accepted even despite Sasuke's disapproval and offers to tutor himself.

It happened to be during a time his friend was off for piano lessons (one of the many things he excelled at and the many things Naruto failed at) that Naruto found himself sitting at his best friend's kitchen table, math book spread open before him and screaming numbers and functions that couldn't even make it into one ear let alone go out the other.

"This doesn't make any sense!" he exclaimed, dropping his head onto his crossed arms on the table.

He both heard and felt the older man move from across the table to the empty seat next to him. He honestly wouldn't have thought anything of it if the presence didn't lean in uncomfortably close, and he raised his head to find himself staring into one very pleased, very much smirking, face of Orochimaru, neighborhood creep, adoptive father of Uchiha Sasuke, and object of Naruto's future lust.

He definitely felt the hand pull strongly at the zipper of his pants before sliding in to roughly cup the organ that defined him as a man.

"W-what the - !"

Naruto would admit he was more than slightly curious about the workings of sex. However, seeing as he was young and most definitely not the source of every girl's fantasy like his dark-haired counterpart, it was obvious his experience with the subject consisted of nothing more than getting to know the contours of his own hand.

The feeling was entirely different when it wasn't instigated, encouraged, and carried through to the end all by his lonesome.

Naruto went home, very red-faced and very much intrigued, having released excitedly all over the man's talented hands.

At school the next day, he had difficulty looking into his best friend's eyes, but it didn't stop him from satiating his curiosity.

"So… Does your dad have a girlfriend?"

Sasuke refused to answer the question, instead turning it around on Naruto by questioning why he even wanted to know about "that vile man." Naruto wisely kept his answer – "Just wondering if he'd be willing to give me more hand jobs in the future." – to himself.

Not a week later, he returned to the Uchiha's home, standing awkwardly in the doorway with a smirking Orochimaru looming before him as he asked, already knowing the answer, if Sasuke was home. Sasuke had already drilled into his head that he would be gone the weekend for a kendo tournament.

If anything, Orochimaru's smirk only widened as he invited the blond boy in to "wait for Sasuke until he returned."

That day, Naruto learned that Orochimaru not only had a very long tongue but that his hands definitely were not the only talented part of his body.

After collecting several bags of sugar, perfecting his cookie baking technique, and failing as many exams as he possibly could, it didn't take long before Naruto ran out of excuses to stop by the home when Sasuke wasn't around – which simply wasn't often enough, seeing as the boy was every bit the recluse one would expect a violently orphaned boy to become.

He finally surrendered: he just wanted to show up for the exact some thing Orochimaru wanted him to show up for. It wasn't until he graduated to this line of thought that Naruto considered fully consummating their relationship (if it could be called such).

To say that Orochimaru was ecstatic would have been the understatement of the year.

Naruto walked home with a limp reminiscent of the one Sasuke gave him when they first met. Except, Naruto could say with one hundred percent confidence that the cause of this limp was so much better than the first. And he continued to experience them, much to the suspicion of those around him.

If Sasuke noticed the sudden attachment, he wisely kept his mouth shut. After all, ignorance truly was bliss.

It wasn't until Naruto's eighteenth birthday that he decided he'd reveal his grand secret to his best friend. He owed the guy at least that much. But how did one go about revealing a secret love affair with someone's father, anyway?

"Sasuke, I'm your father."

Too dramatic, and the entirely wrong message.

"Sasuke, there comes a time in every man's life when he needs the comfort of another man."

But even he didn't know where he would go with that.

"Sasuke, remember that time you beat the shit out of me for asking if your father was gay? Well, I was right!"

Hm, maybe he should avoid the "I told you so"'s. Sasuke never could accept the fact he could be wrong, just like any other ordinary human being.

"Sasuke, your father, albeit creepy, sneaky, deceitful and downright disturbing, is actually very attractive for his age."

Wait, exactly how would that make Sasuke understand his situation?

Finally, he settled on the only solution that seemed reasonable:

"Sasuke, I'm fucking your father."

Needless to say, the poor boy didn't take it very well. After falling into a coma from which he would likely never wake (the doctors regretfully informed him) the dark-haired boy known as Uchiha Sasuke passed away in what Naruto liked to think was a relatively peaceful manner.

At the loss, Orochimaru and Naruto only had one another to overcome the grief.

Sex did wonders for the soul.

--A/N--
I was actually pretty surprised there was a fairly large amount of oronaru fics on this site. And here I was thinking I had some revolutionary crack pairing, only to realize I was so unbelievably slow on the uptake. What the heck, guys? Stealing my thunder.