Chapter One
I know technically that it is lying. But I don't care.
He'd be humiliated if he knew. I know I should tell him. It's his secret, and if he didn't choose to tell me, then it's within his right to not have me know. Yet, I took that right from him. Yes, by accident. It's not my fault. However, I should have spoken up the second I heard it. I shouldn't have kept quiet, said nothing. Everyday I pretend I don't know, yet there it is, staring in our faces. Neither of us acknowledges it. We don't want to acknowledge it. He just smiles at me, yet I know he wouldn't be smiling if he thought, even for a second, that I knew his secret. I can't bring myself to do it. I can't tell him, because I don't know what I would say. Hell, I don't even know what I think of said secret.
It all started as quietly as it is continuing now. It was the last Friday of the summer, and it was a typical day for a typical 15 year old boy. There was no freak weather, no odd happenings as were becoming so common in my hometown, just a plain, boring cloudy day. I didn't know that everything would be different, yet not change at all, by the end of this day. All I'd done for the past daylight hours were do chores, play videogames, and think about girls, the usual. Nice and boring, the way I like it, as I often tell my friends. I don't like the excitement of the madness in this town. I'd got my fair share of it in Peru. Kenny and his so-called friends could have their adventures, I don't care for them. Now, this situation with Tweek and his secret is a different kind of excitement all together, and I don't like this either. In fact, I'd rather have the trippy whacked-out adventures with those faggots over this. All of this, I do not know how to react to. I do not know what to do with it. So I've left it.
Anyway, it was the day of our weekly sleepover. As usual, it was at Clyde's house. His is the only suitable one, really. Token's parents are always so terrified that we are going to break something that they check on us every five minutes, and Tweek's father's pointless stories piss me and Clyde off so much that we refuse to go there on a regular basis. All they ever have in the house is coffee, anyway. I tried sneaking food in there once, and I think Tweek's father took it all and put it in the coffee blender. All I know is that one minute it was there, and next it was gone, and I was being handed a mug of coffee that seemed to have a cheese pizza flavour. We tried my house for a while but Tweek always panicked whenever one of my lovely family members would flip him off. They did not mean to scare him, but anything does. Especially when he thinks someone hates him, he assumes they are plotting to murder him in some bizarre way. Not sure where he got the idea my family hated him from, though.
It was an average sleepover. I'm not sure why we still have them. They started when we were 8 and nobody seems to want to give them up. Even me. It proceeded the way most of our sleepovers do. We arrive, make fun of Clyde's house for a while – even there's nothing wrong with it, which makes it even more fun – then we play videogames for what seems like a lifetime until one of Clyde's parents insists on lights out. After the stage is set for bed in case said parents come back, we play dares, because Clyde still thinks it's fun and won't take no for an answer. The game is normally livened up by Tweek's frantic refusals to do a dare whenever posed with one, for some reason or another. Eventually, we fall asleep, and that's it until next morning, when I would wake to Tweek smiling at me from the end of my sleeping bag. Well, that last part did not quite happen in the same way as usual.
That night, I just could not sleep, no matter what I tried. In three days, we would start the fifth year of high school. I had been thinking about how I would actually have to work my ass off at school now. I had completely bummed the last year, and my parents had been furious. Let alone the principal considering whether to keep me back a year. Thank god the bastard was finally convinced by my charismatic self. Ha, hardly likely, more like I'd promised to work my hardest and keep out of fights, and practically begged to be given another chance. Not my proudest moment, but hell, dignity has to be sacrificed in front of one person sometimes to keep it in front of others. God, the guys would have given me hell about it if I had to be kept back. Well, all but Tweek. The poor kid probably would have just twitched and offered to help me. He's a sweet kid like that. Too bad that I can't ever be as nice to him. It's not really in my nature. If I ever try, then it just seems insincere, even when I really mean it. People often get even more offended than if I'd just flipped them off. I am the tough one, the one who gets into fights, the one who is known for his middle finger. Sometimes I don't even know why my friends put up with me.
While I just lay there, trying to get the goddamn thoughts of school out of my head and just get some sleep, I just kept my eyes closed. I tried squeezing them harder, but that did not help any. I was jealous of Clyde, lying on one side of me, snoring right in my ear. I nudged him a few times, but the bastard just kept on snoring. I was about to give up when I heard some shuffling across the room. I opened my eye slightly, and saw a flash of blonde hair, accompanied by frantic breathing. Tweek.
"Token? You awake?" He hissed. I felt Token move slightly beside me, and he merely grunted. "I need to talk to you."
I smiled slightly and closed my eyes again. I thought he'd probably seen the underpants gnomes again. Goddamn things hadn't left him alone even into high school. I remember the blush on his face when I'd suggested that if he went commando everyday he wouldn't have to worry about the damn gnomes taking his underwear.
"Token!" He squealed a bit more loudly. I thought that he might have woken Clyde up, being that loud, but he kept on snoring so Tweek was safe. Sort of.
"Alright, alright, I'm up!" I felt the body beside me move up in his sleeping bag. I assumed he was now sitting with Tweek. "Calm down. What is it?"
"I can't stop it!" Tweek almost cried. I could imagine him tugging at the hem of his pyjama shirt as he said this.
"Tweek, I told you, it's unhealthy." Token sighed. I raised my eyebrow at that. Was this his coffee addiction? Token had never seemed to disapprove of it too much before. Well, no more than the rest of us. We all told him the stuff was going to ruin him though. I swear, one day he's going to twitch himself to death after all that caffeine.
"But… how do you stop it?" Tweek sniffed. God, was he going to cry?
"I don't know, buddy." Token muttered sympathetically. "But as I always say, if you don't figure out how to stop all this soon, it's all going to come out."
Now, this was getting interesting for me. What was Token talking about? This definitely couldn't be about coffee addictions or underpants gnomes. I had heard enough, though, to know that whatever it was, it was supposed to be a secret. I have never been one to infringe on someone's privacy – I am a pretty private person myself. Yet, Tweek fascinates me in a strange sort of way. Him and me have never been close; heck, the first time I ever spoke to him was when I was about to fight him. Can't remember who won that fight, I don't think either of us did. Anyway, he'd only joined the group after him and Token had done some pussy school project together, and after that Tweek had stuck to him like glue. Much to mine and Clyde's annoyance, Tweek had now joined the lunch table. And the recess group. And eventually, the sleepover rota. Clyde eased up on him a lot faster than I had, but then, he hadn't been beaten into hospital by the guy a few months earlier. Don't get me wrong – I don't dislike Tweek. I like him a lot. He makes me laugh, and I think he's a cute kid. I like the way he blushes when I ruffle his hair. I just didn't get the guy, back then. Yet, I couldn't deny that Tweek was interesting. He could be brave as hell, with getting involved in all the mad shit that happens in South Park, while at the same time, panicking about it all. I had realised a while before that I did not really know a lot about him – most of what I knew was what he was scared of. One time, I made an effort to get to know him by asking him a bunch of questions like, you know, "What's your favourite colour?" and all that crap. But the poor guy had freaked and said that he would never confess and ran away from me before I knew what was going on. Token had told me that Tweek had thought I was interrogating him for something. Needless to say, I did not try that again. So, I just got little bits of information about him by paying more attention. Even then, I had not learned much. Therefore, Tweek is kind of a mystery to me. That's why, on the night of that sleepover, I just listened to Tweek and Token talk, instead of telling them I was awake. Curiosity. I was being given an opportunity to learn something about Tweek without scaring him. I had no idea what I was about to hear, and if I had known, I'm not sure if I would have done the same.
"Look, Tweek." Token had murmured. "If you want to tell everyone, I'll help you, but I'm not sure how long I can keep this secret for you."
"NO! GAH! Can't tell them!" Tweek's voice was reaching quite a high pitch. I have no idea how Clyde slept through all of this.
"Tweek, you can't hide it forever. If you can't stop it, then you should tell them before they find out for themselves."
"I don't care if Clyde knows." Tweek stated simply. Now, I was starting to get offended. I knew we weren't the best of friends, but I didn't think that Clyde was that much closer to him than I was. What could he tell Token and Clyde that he couldn't tell me?
"Tweek, you know that if Clyde found out, it would be a matter of seconds before he told Craig. Is that what you want?" Token had hissed.
"No." Tweek muttered, in a sort of rejected tone, I noted. I was getting ready to stand up and punch both of their faces in by this point. What was so goddamned awful about me knowing? They were talking as if it would be a disaster. I could keep a secret; I remember thinking, rather angrily really. If Clyde obviously couldn't do the same, why would it be alright if he knew but not me?
"But we really do have to do something." Token continued. "If you've already tried, and it's it been this long, then we have to assume these… feelings of yours… that they aren't going to go away."
"No! They have to!" Tweek sounded like he was going to crack any minute. I hadn't heard him so upset before, even when he ran out of coffee on a field trip one day and he was told he couldn't get more until he got home.
"Tweek," Token was getting rather stern by this point. "It's a fact that if really you like someone as much as you obviously do then the person has a right to know!"
Huh. So Tweek liked someone. That was a bit of a surprise, but I suppose it shouldn't have been. Tweek's just as human as me, even though he seems different sometimes. I remember going through the girls in our year in my head. Who did Tweek like? Bebe? Well, everyone likes Bebe at least a little bit. I couldn't really picture the two of them together, though. The image alone almost made me laugh, but I managed to keep quiet. Who else? Red? Annie? Heidi? I was so busy trying to picture Tweek with all these girls and then trying not to laugh that I nearly didn't realise that Tweek and Token had stopped talking. When I noticed, I thought for a moment that they had realised I was awake. I held my breath, which would have been a stupid thing to do if they already knew I was awake, but I had panicked a bit. Not a Tweek panic though. Nowhere near that. I don't think I've ever been as worried about anything as he has been about the smallest things, like how full his coffee mug is. I let the breath go when I heard Tweek whisper something to Token, but I didn't quite hear it.
"He won't hate you! It's just some stupid feelings. It happens to everyone." Token replied. 'He'? In my head, it had all of a sudden made sense. From what they had been saying, it sounded like the person Tweek had a crush on was off-limits. And Tweek was worried about a guy hating him. I had come to a conclusion. Wendy Testaburger. Tweek liked Wendy, and he thought Stan would hate him for it. The two were still together, after all these years. I felt like saying then that Stan definitely wouldn't hate him, hell, he'd probably thank Tweek for taking her off his hands, since he obviously has a huge boner for Kyle. Stan and Wendy seem unable to break-up, though. Whenever they fight, which is often, they just get right back together. Thankfully, I kept my mouth shut, because I did not know then how very wrong I was.
"Oh Jesus, yes he will!" Tweek cried, and I felt a slight breeze then. I could picture Tweek's sleeping bag escaping Tweek's body in his frenzy.
"Dammit, Tweek, Craig will deal with it!" Token retorted. Me? Why should I care if Tweek wants that bitch Wendy? She's really up herself, I wasn't sure why Tweek would want her, but really, I wouldn't care enough to debate it, so I'm not sure why Tweek would be worried what I think. "You need to tell him."
"That's far too much pressure!" I smiled at Tweek's phrase that he uses on a daily basis. He thinks everything is too much 'pressure'. It's a miracle he hasn't exploded yet, in my opinion.
"Fuck, Tweek, if you don't tell him I will! I've had enough of this!" Token was getting angry. God, I was glad I wasn't Tweek right then, Token could be a scary bastard when he wanted to be.
"GAH! Token! No! Oh, Jesus!" That was it, Tweek had lost reason. Again. He began to babble in the way that he does when he finally breaks down. All he can do is yelp, squeak and call out 'Jesus' over and over. I felt Token hurriedly move away from me, supposedly to calm Tweek down, from the soothing sounds he was making.
"Calm down, Tweek. I won't tell. I'm sorry. Just calm down." When that did not seem to work, Token resorted to threats. "You'll wake up Clyde and Craig." That seemed to shut Tweek up quite quickly.
"Y-You won't tell?" Tweek stuttered, nervously. His voice was ragged; I could hear that he'd just been crying. I inwardly sighed. Great. I hated it when guys cried around me, it always made me feel incredibly uncomfortable.
"I won't. I promise." Token reassured Tweek.
I could have saved Tweek a lot of hassle then. I could have pretended to actually wake up. Then I wouldn't have heard any more of the conversation. Or, I could have told Tweek that I knew, and saved him the bother of telling me anything, which was obviously worrying him. Hell, I should be doing that now. Yet, even a month later, I still can't tell him that I heard everything. He is still panicking like this. That's the thought that plagues me – that I could save him all this grief. I'm just being selfish. I can't tell him that I know. Because I don't want to acknowledge it. I want to forget about it. But I can't. Neither of us can.
"Th-Thank you, Token." Tweek muttered, finally calming down. I still was not sure if the extent of Tweek's desperation for me to not wake up or know anything about all this should offend me or not. So, I just remained silent, listening. I know eavesdropping is not right, but now I had heard too much, so I had to hear more. There was no way I could sleep now, my head was buzzing with all this new information and ideas. Anyway, it was not really my fault if I heard it by accident, right? I couldn't sleep!
"It's okay, buddy." Token soothed. Tweek sniffed a few times, but the two of them were mostly silent for a few minutes. I thought that they'd stopped; that maybe they had gone to sleep. That idea somewhat disappointed me. I wanted to learn more – especially why it was that I should not know. I was not sure why I was so interested – I suppose I just really wanted to learn more about this kid. As Clyde often chides me for, I mostly seem to not care about anything except Stripe, my guinea pig.
The next moment Tweek spoke, it surprised me because, firstly, it broke the silence, and then because of what he said. I must have misinterpreted it, I had thought.
"But…I really like him. So much." Tweek had muttered. That stopped me short. 'Him'? So, earlier, I had been way off. Tweek liked a guy. Huh. So Tweek was gay. That was…odd. I was very confused at the time – I had not seen this coming. After thinking about it for a moment, I had decided that I didn't mind. Tweek could be gay if he wanted; it was none of my business. I am around Butters everyday, and though he is really strange and I don't like him that much, it isn't his sexuality that puts me off. After he came out last year, I had realised that sexuality really did not matter at all. Butters is the same as he had always been. Everyone had suspected it with him anyway. Tweek was a bit more unexpected, but I could deal with it.
"I know." Token sighed. After that, I started to get offended again. It was stupid of me to, I know that now, but I was exhausted and far too curious. Did Tweek really think I was homophobic? Did he think I hated gay people that much? He seemed so damn terrified of the idea of me knowing – Tweek should know that I'm not like that! If he should be scared of anyone finding out, it should be Cartman! Not me!
"You need to tell him." Token added. That reminded me, I still did not know who Tweek liked. I had started going through all of the guys we knew then. It could have been anyone. It definitely wasn't Clyde – he'd said he did not mind if Clyde knew the secret. I had racked my brains then, and could not come up with any one person. There were many possible candidates.
"I won't tell him yet. I'm not ready." Tweek had said. I could imagine Token sitting there with his arm around him, like a brother.
"That's okay." He'd soothed.
"But… when I do…how do I tell him?" Tweek had whispered. He had sounded so vulnerable then; it had almost made me want to comfort him.
"Just… come out and say it. Get him alone, and say it." That's what Token had done with Wendy, back in fourth grade. It had worked for him. However, Tweek had started to laugh. Not a genuine laugh, a kind of cynical laugh. I had never imagined that sound would come out of Tweek's mouth. I had to crack my eye open slightly to check that Tweek hadn't been replaced with someone else without my knowing. Never mind, there he was, as I had imagined, sitting in an embrace with Token.
"And what do I say to him?" Tweek's voice was hoarse and slightly hysterical; he did not sound himself at all. "'Oh, hey Craig! I've really liked you for the past year! Want to do something about it?' I think not!"
It was in that moment that everything changed. Tweek liked… me? How was that even possible? I must have misheard. I must have been mistaken. Sadly, no, I wasn't. From the parts of conversation I could make out after that, through my own horror, that Tweek could not be talking about anyone but me. It was so obvious, so simple, in that moment. I should have figured it out before. I would have laughed at my own stupidity if I wasn't still reeling from the shock. My eyes had shot open, but neither of the other two noticed, they were too wrapped up in their discussion to notice, thankfully. How could Tweek like me? He does not know anything about me, or so I thought. I do not know anything about him. I am not anything like him. How is it even possible for him to like me?
I do not remember much else about that night. All I do remember is that I lay there, sleepless, for the rest of the night, left in my own thoughts and shock. Yet, my mind was not good company, as all it could do was form incoherent half-thoughts, all buzzing madly around my head. I could not make any sense of the situation. I thought everything had changed.
However, that morning, when I finally got out of bed, Tweek was sitting at the end of my sleeping bag, smiling at me. As usual. All I did was smile back. Then I got up, and the morning proceeded as usual. Me, Tweek, Clyde and Token, playing videogames. Nothing out of the ordinary. I knew then, although everything had changed for me last night, nothing had changed as well. Nothing at all.