Jeremy Renner Licks the North Pole
Devastated by the death of his true love, Jeremy turned to see who had destroyed the one true alpha burger. It was none other than: a tank. A panzer to be exact. Jeremy scratched his head. "Who the fuck is in that?"
A low and bellowing hum emitted from the metal beast. It gradually formed words, and a chilling realization swept over the horny archer: that burger must've been on the naughty list, and so was he. "Ho Ho Ho mo'fucka." Boomed the red-clad fat man as he rose from the tank.
"How could you do this, Santa? I thought we were bros!" Jeremy screamed, aching with feelings of betrayal. "The world just isn't ready for the power that burger bestowed, consequently I initiated the bodacious burger banishment act." Mr. Renner pondered his flabby enemy's words for a moment. "What do any of those words mean?" He asked in confusion.
Santa sighed, nobody ever understood him. The entire world assumed he invaded all their homes at night to deliver presents, when he was really just stealing everyone's credit card information to buy gifts that he keeps forgetting at their homes. Instead of replying, Santa jumped back into his tank.
"Go go gadget!" Santa shouted as his panzer transformed into a giant fuckin' robot. "Oh sweet fucking lord…" Jeremy uttered as death approached him. Wait… I can handle this… The confident archer thought. I'm mo'fuckin' hawkeye, I'm the best avenger!
Jeremy unsheathed his bow, loaded an arrow, and took aim. "Right between the eyes…" The Jurassic Park theme played, intensifying the epicosity of the situation. "Hyyyyaaaaahh!" He screamed as he let his arrow fly.
When the medieval projectile arrived at its destination, it bounced off of the Santa Bot with a mighty *plunck* . Realizing he stood no chance against the angered bearded man, Jeremy sprinted in the opposite direction. Before he could get too far, though, Santa quickly caught up and crushed him with his giant mecha-hand.
The horrifically unattractive actor awoke in a bloody cage, completely naked. Santa was typing on his giant bat-computer nearby his prison in his candy cane colored tighty whities. "Where am I?" Jeremy said, startled that he wasn't a pile of mushed human. "How did I survive?" Santa, alerted to his prisoner's consciousness, stepped over and answered: "Plot holes, bitch."
The old portly man stood there in all his glory, peppermint nipple pasties and braided beard hair equipped. "Ready to experience the worst pain of your life?" Santa asked as he unleashed his ravenous mistletoe flavored crotch snake. Jeremy backed up to the corner of the cell, quivering with excitement and fear.
On the verge of taking the giant D, the outcast avenger remembered something. He stood to confront the Coca Cola holiday mascot. "Oh I see you like to take it standing up, then; no matter, I'll fuck your sugar plums out just the same." Jeremy pulled a 9 millimeter out of his ass, astonishing the beloved children's figure. "Eat lead, fat boy."
Never before had a penis been filled with so many bullets. It was like a lead noodle, dripping with something that wasn't quite pool water. The Ho-ing behemoth toppled to the ground, the earth shook with Jeremy's triumph. He had achieved victory over Christmas, and now onto Hanukkah.
One of Jeremy's closest friends was locked up in Santa's jail, on that would help him persuade the king of the Jews to resurrect the alpha burger.
"Hallo fraulein, good vork out zere neighba." Hitler told Jeremy as his cage was opened up. "Thanks Adolf, you know I couldn't have done it with your moral support." Hitler's cheeks flushed red.
Together, Hitler and Jeremy Renner marched off into the sunset. Soon the alpha burger would be back in Jeremy's hands… and he could rule the world alongside his best friend, Hitler. "Off to fight ze Jews?" Hitler asked. Jeremy smiled, and in a satisfied and hopeful tone, he replied: "Yes, my dear dictator, off to fight ze Jews."
To be continued...