A little what if about how May escapes that I couldn't get out of my head. Spoilers, obviously, for all current S4 storylines.
She has no idea how many times she's lived through this simulation before it finally happens… before the thing starts to gnaw in her gut… but Melinda can feel it happening... the thing telling her that something isn't right. That this isn't the story of her life. To wake up.
The temptation to ignore the niggling thing is intense… here, Katya lived and Melinda didn't fall down a black hole and Andrew smiles and laughs while they talk about baby names and he's alive. So beautifully, brilliantly alive.
But the thing inside her knows that she mourned this man… that she said her good-byes and thank-yous simultaneously because he gave his life to save Daisy. Andrew saved the girl. The one Melinda loves. And that realization breaks the seal.
The well of grief that nearly drowned her once upon a time surges… reminding her of its power, of its darkness… of its unique, terrible ability to make her hold on tighter to what matters because everything she cherishes is fragile and mortal and she will do anything to protect them. Kill. Die. Live. Anything.
Because she failed once. Failed Phil. Wasn't there. God, she wasn't there, and he died… he died… and then she got him back, but the agony of it, of his absence until Fury called with news of his resurrection, it drags her to the boundaries of the simulation, helps her see the edges of what's not real.
And those waves of pain and love and loss and happiness roiling inside of Melinda finally draw her to Phil, to that face… the one from the day she told him she was leaving the field and couldn't be his partner anymore. The disappointment and fear and helplessness she saw that day on Phil Coulson's face is the same thing she saw when she was swirling in a place she can't really remember except that in one moment she was letting go and then she saw Phi's face… this face… and it drew her back to the world. Back to life. And air filled her lungs and she was free from death's grip.
She lets him draw her back now. To the world. To life. Her eyes open and her lungs fill with air, but the first thing she does is force her mind to stay steady and calm. Her survival depends on it.
If she's really awake, the last thing Melinda wants is for anyone to know. So she closes her eyes and listens… for movement, for voices. There are men here… an army of them, wearing heavy boots and carrying guns carelessly because she can hear the metal rattling against their ammunition. And Aida's heels… she hears those clicking above her.
So Melinda opens her eyes… scans the room… sees that a window across from her lets in light that looks natural… like moonlight.
She wonders about it being another simulation until she realizes the men patrolling the facility are Watchdogs and Radcliffe is afraid of them. There's no reason he'd put that in a simulation because she sure as hell wouldn't stop to save him if these bastards attacked. So Melinda holds on to the hope that this is reality… finally… and she plots her escape.
The restraints take hours. She has to work her hand free without raising her heart rate and it's an excruciating process. She has to stop for what seems forever while Radcliffe and Aida wander around right outside, bickering, unconcerned about her because every ounce of Melinda's energy is channeled into making them think they're still winning this game.
When she's finally free, she has logged enough information about her surroundings to know there is one play… the window. She has to get through it and run… as far and as fast as she can. She can't stop to fight, can't worry about finding a weapon or contacting someone to ask for help. She has to run.
So that's exactly what Melinda does.
She expects the window to be alarmed, and it is, but she's through it and on the ground before anyone reaches the makeshift lab that has been her prison now for god knows how long. She heard water earlier, when she was meditating through one of Radcliffe's soliloquys, and she sees it now… the sunrise glimmering off the surface. She runs for it, as fast as she's ever run in her life, and the shock of the cold races through Melinda's body as she plunges into the ocean surrounding the port… Something snaps in her left arm, but she ignores it. Pain she can manage. Going back to that room is unthinkable. So Melinda swims… below the surface, rising to take a minimum number of breaths, getting further and further from Radcliffe's desperate shouts for someone to capture her.
When no one does, Melinda lets herself believe a little more that maybe, just maybe, she's free.
She pulls herself onto shore once her shoulders begin to cramp and she knows she's putting her life in danger if she keeps going. It takes Melinda a few minutes of study, but she pinpoints her location as somewhere off the coast of Maryland. But further investigation waits until she steals some clothes from a working dryer in a poorly tended laundromat and changes out of the sopping wet clothes from her long swim.
Because Aida and Radcliffe have been in her mind, Melinda fights every urge to head for a place she knows… there are many - friends, former colleagues, and safehouses… but her former captors may be expecting it, looking for her there already, so she doesn't head for any of those spots. Instead she breaks into a small empty house, helps herself to some leftovers from the fridge, and uses their phone to dial a number she hopes is safe because there's no reason for anyone to be searching it.
The voice mail provides an option to enter a code. Melinda types in a longitude and latitude point, hangs up, takes her pilfered food and a spare blanket from the house, and then heads out for the 17-mile walk she's just assigned herself.
She picked the meeting point randomly, but there's decent cover and she climbs a tree using her good arm to steady herself and her legs to grip. Melinda hides in the foliage after she covers a branch with the blanket and lies down on her stomach so if she falls asleep, or passes out – because she feels like crap, to be honest – she should stay hidden from view.
It takes a few hours, and she does sleep a little, and then she hears Bobbi's voice. Melinda's eyes open and she spots her friend, a gun at the former agent's side just in case. The blonde's hair is shorter and curly now, and Hunter has a ridiculous rainbow thing happening on his head. But Melinda's never been so happy to see the crazy Brit in her life.
They take her to DC because they have been hiding in plain sight there, running a pub in Georgetown populated by college students who think Hunter is hilarious. People there think he's a former rugby player and Bobbi was an exchange student who fell in love with him and gave up school to tour the world with her guy.
In the little apartment above the pub, Bobbi hands Melinda three fingers of scotch, which she downs before Bobbi goes to work treating her arm. The break is worse than Melinda let herself see – bone is actually pushing up through her skin. But shock and desperation kept the pain largely at bay until now. She vaguely hears Bobbi mention "a twisting motion" and the next thing Melinda knows, she's waking up – terrified for more than a few seconds that she's back in the room, about to have to do this all over again. But instead she's laying on the couch with a thick blanket over her and Hunter offering reassurance that everything is going to be okay.
"We reached her," Hunter reports. And May nods before sleep pulls her under again.
Her is Daisy. Melinda couldn't imagine ambushing Phil with all that's happened to her. She knows him too well… the guilt is going to swamp him and she needs to know what's gone on in her absence before she reveals the truth. Somehow she's going to have to convince him it's okay. That he couldn't have known. Because Melinda believes that wholeheartedly. She heard enough of Radcliffe and Aida's conversations to know that the LMD of her is fighting their programming… that the pieces of the real her inside the android are stronger than they anticipated.
Melinda hopes that means her team is safe. That the fake her hasn't hurt them. Anyone. Because if she has, they think… for now, at least… that Melinda hurt them. And that might be worse than waking up in another simulation.
She's in the bathroom when Daisy arrives. Hears the young agent saying she has no time – that "May went nuts and took off with the Darkhold and no one knows why," and that's when Melinda walks out. And Daisy knows. The moment she lays eyes on Melinda, she understands what happened and there's hugging and tears and Melinda isn't sure she can blame all the emotion on her protégé.
It's hard to hear, what comes next. That Coulson and "May" were getting closer, that everyone thought they were finally getting together, and then Coulson had handed her the book for safekeeping and May pushed him away – without causing injury – and ran. No one knows to where.
When Daisy tells her that was two days ago, she understands all the turmoil back at Radcliffe's lab, why everyone is so on edge. LMD May stole the Darkhold… but she hasn't shown up to turn it over.
"We have to get you home," Daisy declares, and Melinda doesn't want to argue. But she makes Daisy pause… forces her to make a plan – paging Jemma from the landing deck, requesting a bio scanner in the hangar so they can prove to everyone Melinda is really herself. Bobbi's quip that the bone punctured broken arm should do it manages to make them all laugh, but Melinda decides it's better to be safe than sorry.
She sleeps a lot of the flight, though she wakes up a dozen times, panicked, ready to battle only to feel Daisy's hand on her arm, promising that she's safe.
"You're almost home."
Daisy does as Melinda asked… calls Jemma from the QuinJet and then they're all there – Jemma, Fitz, Mack, Elena, Mace. And Phil… Phil is there, looking like someone ripped his guts out.
Daisy fills them all in on the basics as Jemma runs the bioscanner and confirms that this Melinda is the real Melinda, though as Jemma points out, it's obvious. LMD May's wounds don't heal, she explains – that's why the cut on her head is missing from the real thing.
Phil's face darkens with anger and self-loathing as Melinda knew it would. And she wants to go to him and fix it but before she can, his phone rings. And Melinda hears her voice come over the line when he clicks it to speaker.
"I know the truth now," Phil says.
"She's back? Please tell me she made it home," says her double, and the emotion in her voice touches Melinda more than she expected it too.
"I'm here," Melinda offers, somehow needing to comfort this… being that sounds so much like her. Maybe because she didn't hurt them… these people Melinda loves so much. Because they have that need to protect them in common.
"I can't violate my programming. I can't… I keep trying, but I can't… but I know how dangerous it is. This book. Because May… the real May knew. I can't give it to him, and I can't stop myself."
Phil devises the plan – knowing that it's likely Radcliffe is tapped into the LMD, will know every word of what they discuss. But they have to get the Darkhold back. It's worth any risk they might take.
Except, apparently her, because when Melinda turns toward the Zephyr, Phil race forward and blocks her path.
"You're not going."
"I am."
"We just got you back. You're hurt. You haven't even been cleared for – "
"If anyone can help her fight Radcliffe, it's me, Phil. You have to let me go."
And so he does, even though she can see he hates it. The whole team gears up and runs onto the plane and they're wings up before Melinda can even get strapped into her seat.
They land and rush into the place the LMD went to hide. Melinda admires her choice. It's a nightclub Melinda and Natasha once closed down back before… before Bahrain and the fall of SHIELD. Before everything.
It happens quickly after that… the Watchdogs swarm and Aida attacks and while LMD May can't injure Radcliffe, she finds it in herself to push past any block in her programming about Aida and though their brutal fight leaves her broken on the ground, Aida's destroyed when it's over.
Melinda can't stop herself from leaning down next to the battered copy of herself… and she feels genuine grief as the LMD reaches for her hand.
"They love you so much. Especially him. I'm sorry I didn't want to let that go."
Melinda nods and leans closer to her, because she can tell it's almost over – that the intricate android brain that made "May" live is shutting down.
"Thank you for keeping them safe."
And then it's done and the light goes out of the LMD's eyes… and Melinda watches "herself" die.
There's more work to do, and the Watchdogs have to be taken down – and when Melinda corners Radcliffe on the second floor of the club, she can't stop herself from delivering a brutal kick that sends him flying over the banister to the ground down below.
He lives. Fitz takes him into custody and supervises the scientist's transfer to General Talbot, who promises to make the rest of Radcliffe's life a living hell.
Melinda's not sure it's enough. But she leaves it be.
When she's finally home… it feels a little foreign to her. The other her was here… sleeping in her bed, touching her things, wearing her clothes. And Melinda feels like an outsider in her own life. But she showers and puts on her favorite shirt and then she walks down the hall to his room and knocks. Because this can't wait. It's waited too long already.
He looks terrible… tired and hurt and sad, but Phil lets her in anyway. Melinda sits on the end of his bed. Picks up the open bottle of booze on the floor. Takes a swig. And he stares at her… trying to find words.
"You don't owe me an apology," she offers, and Phil scoffs.
"I've known you most of my life and I couldn't tell that wasn't you. If I don't owe you an apology for that, then I'm not sure what they're for."
She takes a breath. Melinda knew this was where he'd be… that's why she did her work, got ready for this moment.
"He hooked me up to this machine that could copy my memories. So she knew everything I know, Phil. Remembered every moment we've ever shared. All our fights. She was me."
"Except she wasn't," he rages, and it's good for him to let the anger out. Melinda doesn't flinch even when he swats something off his side table and it smashes into the wall.
"It's what we were always afraid of, isn't it? That if we ever let ourselves feel… let ourselves… I wanted to see what I wanted to see and so I didn't realize she wasn't you. It's that simple."
Except it isn't. And so she stands and walks up to him, cornering him between the door and the wall so he can't get away.
"She was me, Phil. Her heart. Her dreams. They were mine. That's why she loved you."
His eyes widen and she feels his breath catch – that's how close they are. And she steps in still closer, needing this to finally be done for both their sakes.
"You saw what you did in her eyes because it's what you see in mine. All the time. Ever since…"
"Ever since you told me I meant a lot to you."
She smiles at that… it was such an impossibly awful time for them, that day when SHIELD fell and he thought she was a traitor and the world was falling apart so she couldn't stop to tell him everything, just that… just that he meant a lot to her. A lot.
"Ever since then, yes."
He gives in, leaning his head down to hers, and she feels tears on his skin when she brings her palm to his cheek.
"It was real?"
"It was real. Even if I wasn't."
He pulls he closer, their bodies flush, his touch still tentative but Melinda knows they're almost there… almost back in the world together.
"I love you more than anything," he says, voice catching at the power of the words.
"I know. That's why you're always there, when it gets dark… willing me to come back."
Phil smiles at that.
"You saw me again?"
"Don't let it go to your head."
Melinda kisses him then, laughter snuffed out by his lips on hers and the ache of relief at finally having this after they waited so long and sacrificed the possibility of happiness over and over again.
"I love you, too," she offers, her voice a whisper against his neck, but Phil hears and his arms wrap around her even tighter.
"Oh, thank God," he says. "Thank God."
And then it's real… them… Melinda and Phil. May and Coulson. It's real… and it's theirs.