Yeah... I was bored and procrastinating and came up with this... Just a random crackfic.
Warnings: Boy on boy lovin', swearing, and crosdressing emos. don't like, don't read.
Disclaimer: Last night, in a plan to steal KH, I went to Square-Enix's headquarters in a mustache and said my name was Pedro. They let me in, but unfortunately I didn't plan out the rest. Needless to say, I don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters.
Today was bound to go horribly. Everybody knew that. First of all, they had to get up at 8 in the morning on a weekend just to pack a picnic for 13 people-nobodies-whatever!Second, they had to go to said picnic. That's right, it's Organization XII's annual bonding picnic. Hell, for short. Yeah, it doesn't exactly work, but Hell is exactly how it should be described.
This picnic just happened to be worse than others. It was a month early because a few of them had 'announcements.' Announcements in the organization usually ended in beheading or a lifetime of snarky comments… Poor Lixnel…
And here is where we find our main character, Demyx, watching everybody else whilst narrating in his head.
The picnic had started off pretty good, there were only 3 explosions and only 1 person had lost their hair by noon. Out of nowhere, Mansex- I mean Xemnas- orders us to sit around the picnic table.
"As you all know, I called this year's meeting a few months early. Well, I did it because I had a lot of requests. Something about announcements. Whatever. First, IIX and XIII have something to say." He grumbled and sat down. Axel and Roxas stood up and moved to the head of the table. For some reason, they were wearing sombreros…
"Hey." Roxas started. "in case you didn't notice, my 18th birthday was last week, so I went to Mexico with Axel and left cardboard cutouts of us." That explains the sombreros! And why Axel didn't catch the Frisbee…
"Well, when we were in Mexico, I kinda proposed, and Roxas kinda said yes, so we're getting married in December. Got it memorized?" Axel finished. For some reason, almost everyone's hand shot up. Axel looked a little surprised. "Woah. Uh, Zexion, what do you want?" he asked.
"Please don't end your vows with 'Got it memorized'" the rest of the organization-including Xemnas- nodded and put their hands down.
"Fine." Axel grumbled then sat down, pulling Roxas with him.
"Who's next?" Xemnas grunted.
"I am!" A portal opened and Naminé stepped out, holding her amazing sketchpad of awesomeness.
"Naminé!" I jumped up to hug her. Really, she's like my little sister. She giggled then pushed me off.
"Alright, I'm here because so many of you ask me what I draw in my sketchpad. So…" She flipped it open and showed us a picture. Frankly, I was appalled! It was a drawing of Xigbar in a red dress dancing a tango with Xaldin.
"That's only one of three kinds of drawings I do." She flipped open a second sketchbook and I nearly fainted. She drew me and Zexion… doing things that shouldn't be said! Let's just say we were on a bed… without clothes… and it looked like picture-Zexion was experiencing butt pain. She blushed tomato red while almost everyone else was laughing their asses off.
"Uh, I just wanna explain. The first notebook is for random people I think would look cute together, but I wouldn't want to see them naked-"
"I resent that!" Xigbar called from the other end of the table.
"- and the second one are the couples I want to see naked!"
"Naminé…" I groaned.
"Do you draw anyone besides Demyx and Zexion?" Larxene laughed.
"Yeah. I draw Axel and Roxas, Axel and Demyx, Roxas and Demyx, Sora and Demyx, Saix and Xemnas, Sora and Riku, Cloud and Leon, Cloud and Sephiroth, Cloud and Aerith, Cloud and Tifa, Cloud and Sora, Cloud and Riku, Sora and Leon, and Sephiroth and Leon." She finished.
"That's just creepy." I muttered to myself.
"So… you mostly like gay couples, and Cloud and Demyx are whores?" Lexaeus asked slowly.
"Yep! And here's my third sketchpad!" She flipped it open and I sighed in relief. It was a rock with a face. Then she turned a page and there was cheddar cheese with a face… next to an apple with a face…
"Is it all inanimate objects with faces?" Saix asked.
"Yeah. Aren't they cute? I just wanna cuddle them because they-"
"Okay!" Xemnas interrupted loudly. "I think it's somebody else's turn to speak!" He said, so enthusiastically it was actually scary."Okay, okay." Luxord stood up. Oh God, we all know what's coming next. "Well, I'm quitting drinking."
"Luxord, you say the same thing every year. Then 2 days later, you're hitting the bottle like you never drank before." Lexaeus pointed out.
"I know. But I swear on bubba the bear's life that I'll do it this time!" Luxord shouted, then passed out. Xigbar walked over to Luxord and sniffed him.
"He's drunk." he announced.
"Since he's down, I'm next!" Marluxia jumped out of his seat and skipped to the head of the table. "Hi! I have reeeeally big news for you!" His. Voice. Is. So. Annoying! "I'm pregnant!" He (she?) squealed.
"IV, what did you do to XI?" Xemnas demanded.
"So I was right. Marluxia really is a woman." I muttered.
"Bingo! I'm really a woman. Vexen didn't do anything!"
"Who, dare I ask, is the father?" Zexion asked.
"Larxy, can I tell them?" Larxy?
"I think you just did, dummy." Larxene replied.
"Sorry dear." Marluxia pouted.
"Whatever. They would have found out anyway."
"Wait. So Marluxia and Larxene are lesbians?" Axel asked.
"No, you nitwit. Larxene's a man!" a very irritated Xaldin yelled.
"Since when?!" I asked, confused as a penguin wearing a grass skirt.
"I've always been a man!" Larxene shouted.
"Lies!" Roxas jumped up and shouted, pointing an accusing finger at Larxene. He then ran away shouting something about noodle babies.
"That was weird…" Axel commented. Everyone else nodded in agreement.
"The whole day's been weird. I think the only way it could get any weirder is if VI dressed in drag and kissed IX." Xemnas hid his face in his hands and shook his head. "Why do I keep you freaks around?"
While I was making faces at Xemnas, he suddenly looked up and a look of horror crossed her face. I looked at the spot he was staring at and my jaw drop. Zexion was wearing a sparkly pink slinky dress with matching heels and he was walking straight towards me.
"Z-Zexy? What's going on?" I cursed myself for stuttering.
"This." He got so close I could feel his breath on my face.
"S-s-seriously. W-what are y-you d-mphm!" Oh. My. God. Zexion's lips. Are on mine. And they're moving. Wait! Mine should be moving too! Hah! Now they're moving!
"That's it! I'm locking myself in my tower and never coming out!" Xemnas opened a portal and left.
"W-what was that about?" I asked when Zexion pulled away.
"I wanted to lock Xemnas away." Zexion shrugged.
"Wh-eh-ma-ge-li!" I sputtered then stomped off.
"I need brain bleach" Xaldin muttered
"There's not enough brain bleach in the world to erase what happened today." Xigbar responded, shaking his head.
Yeah, that was really random.
Please R&R! Constructive criticism is welcome. Flames will be laughed at and used to make tasty S'mores.