"You okay?" Tony asked. McGee had shuffled to the nearest chair and fallen down in it.
Was he? McGee wasn't sure. He had that feeling he'd frequently had as a child, when he knew he had done something wrong and wished he could take it back. To make it worse, his memory of the event was becoming less clear and he wasn't sure what had happened.
"I guess," he said. Tony gave him a doubtful glance and he added, "I don't know. No."
Tony moved over to sit next to him and gave him a thorough once-over. He sat in silence and waited for McGee to spill whatever was on his mind, a trick he'd frequently seen Gibbs employ.
After several seconds McGee fell into his trap. "I'm not sure I didn't mess up," he admitted. "It's feeling more and more like I killed an innocent cop."
"You didn't," Tony reassured him. "You wouldn't have."
"You can't know that," McGee countered. "I can't even remember if he was holding a gun. It happened so fast."
Tony didn't know what to say to that and the two sat in silence. He was surprised with what McGee said next.
"When Kate killed that guy, Ensign Hayes?" he looked up to Tony who nodded in remembrance. "She was upset. I didn't understand at the time, but now…? I wish I'd said something. I don't know what I would have said, but at least she would have known I cared." McGee felt his eyes start to tear at Kate's memory, but he didn't mind this time. At least this was a familiar hurt. His own shooting was too fresh to talk about.
"I talked to her," Tony quietly revealed.
"What?" McGee questioned in surprise.
"After she shot him," he clarified. "Later that night. I was on my way home and Paula stood me up and I decided on a whim to stop by Kate's, to check on her."
"What did you say? How was she?" McGee had that look on his face that mirrored how Tony often felt when faced with new information on Kate. He had no doubt he wouldn't be telling McGee all this if she were alive, but he knew how it felt to desperately want more information on her.
"She answered her door and just stared at me for a second. I could tell she'd been crying."
"I never saw her cry," McGee whispered.
"Neither had I."
"Ducky said she cried when you were in isolation," McGee added. "She really was worried about you, you know."
Tony absorbed that piece of information for a second, feeling like an ass. He knew he played up the sick card afterwards and only now realized how much it probably upset her to be reminded of it.
"She asked me what I was doing there," Tony continued. "Said something about Paula ignoring me. I asked her if she was okay and she let me in." He looked down as he continued the story. "She yelled at me. I think she was too afraid her neighbors would hear if she yelled at me in the hallway."
McGee and Tony shared a smile over this. Kate was one of those intensely private people who would sell her soul before make a scene. "What did she yell at you for?" McGee asked.
"She said that it was none of my business since I obviously didn't really care since if Paula had called me back I wouldn't even be there. She was right but I denied it. She called me a lousy partner and told me to leave." He remembered how angry he had felt at that accusation, even as he had realized it was true.
"Did you?"
"Yes," he admitted, full of shame. "She was right but I couldn't see it. So instead of apologizing for being an ass I yelled at her for being a bitch when I was just trying to check on her." The look on her face as he slammed the door kills him now. She had started crying again and instead of being a man and admitting he'd screwed up he had gone home.
"I wish I could take that night back," Tony confessed. They rarely spoke of Kate and now that he'd started he couldn't stop. "I wish I could take back a lot of the times I annoyed her just because I was bored. Or invaded her privacy. Or harassed her just to get a reaction."
He looked over and was surprised to see McGee trying not to cry. "Hey," he put a hand on McGee's shoulders.
"I miss her," McGee told him.
"Me too." Tony took his hand off of McGee's shoulder and the two of them sat side by side, deep in thought.
"She knew you cared about her, Tony."
"I doubt that," Tony answered.
"She did," McGee insisted. "She told me once."
"She what?" Tony exclaimed in shock. "When?"
"I don't know, a few weeks after that, I guess. She and I went to lunch one day and you were out with some girlfriend and we got to talking about the team. We were talking about how much you were annoying us and she said something like 'Tony's annoying and juvenile, but he would do anything for any of us. Don't let him get to you.'"
Tony's mouth hung open in surprise. "Wow."
"She made me promise not to tell you she said something nice about you," McGee laughed. Then he sobered. "Seems kinda stupid now."
"It is stupid," Tony agreed. "She and I both were stupid."
The conversation had reached its end and Tony asked again, "You gonna be okay?"
Reminded of his own current problem, McGee sank in his chair. "We'll see what happens," he answered vaguely.