Deep in the Caribbean, Plunder Island.....
It was about three in the morning on a peaceful summer night. Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate, was lying in bed--about half-awake, staring into blank space and pondering. He could see the moon--an odd, yellow crescent with the 'horns' pointing upward. Strange. And no stars, which was also strange. As a matter of fact, could he even see the window from their bed? Had he forgotten to close the curtains to the balcony again? Elaine'd be furious.
And what was this odd weight pressing down on his chest? It seemed warm and strangely furry--and vibrating. What the--?
He raised his head a little. A pair of enormous red eyes met his.
"Yaaaah!" Guybrush screamed, scrambling backwards. The black cat fought for balance on this unstable footing, digging in her claws to secure herself. He yelled again and tried to beat the creature off with a pillow..
"Guybrush, wha...?" Elaine protested sleepily from her side of the bed.
"Will you please stop that?!" cried another voice--female, with a British accent. As he lowered the pillow, surprised, the cat climbed back into its place on his chest. "Thank you," she continued, sounding a little out of breath. "I apologize for startling you, but we need your help."
"Guybrush, make the bad talking cat stop talking and go away," complained his wife, slurring the words. She was already drifting back out.
Talking cat on my bed wants my help lucky Elaine is a fair summary of Guybrush's thought process at the moment. "I'm going to just assume this is a dream until something convinces me otherwise," he told the cat, trying to get his thoughts together.
"Oh, isn't that all we can ever do?" she responded philosophically. "My name is Luna. And you are, of course, Guybrush Thrackweed, the mightiest pirate in the Caribbean."
"Err...Threepwood," he corrected. He could see why her name was Luna--the odd crescent moon was actually a light patch in her black fur. "Mighty pirate, at your service."
"Wonderful. A group of friends of mine are on their way to see you. They've come a very long way.." she lowered her voice to a hissing whisper "..through time...because we got word than an enemy was going to attack here."
Guybrush startled her with an ironic chuckle. "Lady Moon, if you knew what we've been through in the last six months..."
"We have come here to fight a terror who will make Big Whoop look sane and reasonable."
His face went cold. "And you want my help?" he squeaked.
"Yes. You see--"
A commotion broke out on the balcony outside--the voices of about four teenage girls, chattering excitedly. "Excuse me," Luna said instead. "I think my friends are here."
She bounded off the bed and trotted towards the curtains, only to have them ripped aside just as she reached them. Pale light flooded in, bright enough to make him cover his eyes--and then the entire bevy of chattering girls followed.
"Like, no way!" one of them squealed, bounding up to the bed. "Are you a real pirate?"
"Serena," growled another one in menacing tones.
Guybrush, feeling strangely exposed, pulled the covers in tighter around his neck.
"Chill out, Ray, it's not like it's going to hurt anything."
More chatter from the end of the room.
"Ewww, a chamber pot! Gross me out!"
"Unbelievable! A guy who doesn't look just like your old boyfriend!"
"Girls.." Luna tried to break in. The two closest to the bed were sticking their tongues out at one another. Literal sparks were flying.
"It's not like we can expect living conditions to be ideal in the late 17th century."
"Yeah, but a chamber pot?"
"You're just jealous cause I saw him first!"
"Young ladies!" snapped an angry female voice. The room went silent.
"Do you have any idea what time it is?" Elaine crossed her arms, sitting up in bed with more authority than a woman in a nightshirt generally has. "No? It's three in the morning. Yes, this is the 17th century, yes he's a pirate, yes he's my husband, and a chamber pot is perfectly adequate, thank you. Would you kindly take yourselves and your commotion downstairs until morning?"
The girls left, Serena and the one she called 'Ray' still arguing. "Whoops," said another in a self-recriminating tone. "I forgot it was still afternoon when we left Tokyo."
"Luna..." began Guybrush.
She sighed. "They take a little....getting used to."
He groaned and fell back into the bed.
By sunrise, the girls were meandering about the kitchen--the purposeful movements of foraging animals. The tallest of the group, a pony-tailed girl named Leeta or something like that, dug around for supplies and cooked up something they called a 'pizza.' She cut the round, tomato-and-sausage-covered breadish thing into wedges and passed them around. Perhaps it wasn't the ideal breakfast food, Guybrush reflected, but it wasn't bad. He hoped their cooks would ask for the recipe.
After breakfast, they called a conference with the girls and the cats (turns out that there were two, Luna and a white male named Artemis, also marked with a yellow crescent moon). But their story made the presence of two talking cats seem quite normal and ordinary.
"No, wait a minute, let me get this straight. You girls are really warriors from other planets."
"Not precisely," responded a small girl with short blue hair. It really was blue. No lie. "You see, thousands of years ago, there was life on other planets besides this one--great kingdoms, with proud rulers. Each kingdom had a princess who was also a warrior to defend the planet. But then the Moon Kingdom was attacked, and Queen Serenity--"
"Uh, never mind...that part makes my head hurt. The fact is, you girls have super powers..."
"Which we use to defend goodness."
"Love!"
"Justice!"
"We're the Sailor Scouts!" they chorused.
Now his head really did hurt. "And you're here because something horrible is going to happen on Plunder Island," Elaine joined in.
"Right."
Elaine was feeling a little skeptical, herself. "I'm not so sure I believe you."
The girl named Serena, a blonde with improbably long pigtails, made a motion with her hand, but her neighbor, the purple-haired girl named Ray, stopped her. "Not in here!" she hissed.
"Quite right. Take it outside, ladies." That from Artemis, the white cat.
When the party stood on the beach outside the Fort, Luna shouted "Hit it, girls!"
"Venus Power!" yelled Meena, another blonde.
"Mercury Power!" yelled the blue-haired Amy.
"Mars Power!" Ray.
"Jupiter Power!" Leeta.
"Moon Crystal Power!" Serena.
Lights, colors, pandemonium. The bodies of the five young girls, modestly veiled in a kaleidoscope of patterns or ribbons, danced around them. One by one, they struck a pose and held it, until all five had finished their wild twirlings.
"Sailor Venus!"
"Sailor Mercury!"
"Sailor Mars!"
"Sailor Jupiter!"
"And I'm Sailor Moon!"
"We fight crime and wipe out Negatrash...and that means you!"
"No! No, that doesn't mean them!" interjected Luna.
Serena looked sheepish. "Sorry. Old habits die hard."
Even as 'Sailor Scouts,' the five looked exactly the same, wearing strange bodysuits which slightly resembled sailor outfits, with almost obscenely short, colorful skits. Each had a coordinating bow on her chest and a tiara across her forehead.
Guybrush made an odd wheezing sound--Elaine turned and saw him standing paralyzed, both eyes bulging out of their sockets, mouth hanging open. He had been Freaked Out.
"Men," chorused all the females present. A huge droplet of water suddenly appeared at the side of Artemis' head.
The mighty pirate made the wheezing sound again. "...oil....can.."
Elaine produced a small container out of nowhere in particular and oiled her husband in a dozen places. "I thought so....your eyeballs corroded," she muttered. "You need to remember to blink at least once a minute."
"Yes...dear.." he gritted out, rubbing his jaw.
"Well, that was.....very impressive," Elaine turned to the girls, who were beginning to shiver a little in the cool morning breeze off the ocean. "But just how does running around scantily clad fight crime?"
They shuffled their feet and looked nervous. "Well, it's our....secret identity," Amy began.
"Secret identity?!" exclaimed Guybrush, mostly recovered. "You look exactly the same, just in different clothes!"
Ray put her hands on her hips. "Hey, don't knock it until you try it! And it's Raye, by the way."
"And Lita!"
"And Mina!"
"And Ami!"
"Okay, okay! Touch-eee."
Elaine drew her cutlass. "Well, here goes nothing." She held it over her head. "Pirate Princess Power!"
Music and lights began..
..faltered...
.and died.
Elaine lowered her sword and glared at it. She jarred it against the flat of her hand a couple of times--it started back up again with the sound of an outboard motor revving (whatever that means). She raised the blade over her head again, and the transformation began.
Ami quickly put her hands over Guybrush's eyes.
"Hey, not bad!" Elaine said finally. Her husband cautiously peeked out between Ami's fingers and whistled appreciatively.
She was wearing the same sailor-style suit as the girls, but with a bright green skirt and brown leggings. Her bow was red with a green stone (matching the one in the tiara), and she still wore her familiar green head-scarf. Her boots were stylized pirate gear. She flashed a gold cutlass and looked dangerously beautiful.
"Too bad most of our enemies are female," sighed Mina. Guybrush, whose eyes were still aching, agreed.
He also realized that everyone was staring at him. "Do I have to?" he plainted.
"Yes." He was getting a little more used to words spoken in unison.
He sighed. "Why are we doing this, anyhow?"
"Because the fights never start until everyone is in costume," replied purple-haired Sailor Mars as though this was the most obvious thing in the world.
There was no escape. His only prayer was that this wouldn't work. He rummaged through his pockets until he discovered--ah ha! There it was. His souvenir from Melee Island. The one item that was all but guaranteed not to do anything.
A rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle.
"Pirate Chicken Power!" he declared, holding it aloft.
He couldn't really describe what happened next. The next thing he knew, he had landed in a bizarre pose, elbows out. "I'm Sailor Pirate Chicken!"
Then he came to his senses. His horrified eyes took in the boots, the gloves, the bow, the purple miniskirt....
"What have you done to me?" he demanded of Serena and the other girls, whose heads all featured those huge hovering droplets of water.
"Uhh...I...guess we got the wrong...item..?" Sailor Moon fumbled out at long last.
"The chicken must have picked up some voodoo from the House of Mojo," Sailor Pirate Princess added, blushing. It really was quite a miniskirt.
He tore at the fabric. It wouldn't give. "How do I get out of this thing?"
"To be honest, I don't know," replied Ami. "They usually just vanish after the fight."
"Perhaps I can help, Sailor Scouts," called a new male voice.
"Tuxedo Mask!" Another chorus. Guybrush hid behind Elaine.
"Remember, Sailor Scouts: When the way seems darkest, the light of love will show the way." The speaker was standing neatly on top of a sign on the other end of the beach (it said "Welcome to Puerto Pollo") and wore a sharp black tuxedo with a red-lined cape. His eyes were hidden behind a white mask. Hence the name, apparently.
The girls sighed collectively. Guybrush too, though for different reasons. "Look, Mr.. um...Mask. Do you think you could help me get out of this thing?"
Tuxedo Mask stared for two seconds and then covered his mouth with one gloved hand. The pirate sighed again. "Oh, never mind. Elaine, could I borrow your cutlass for a second?"
"No...no, it's okay. I'm sorry, I've just never seen this happen before." Mr. Mask regained his composure. "But I have seen few problems which cannot be solved by the purity of a rose," he added in his former cryptic style.
"What's he going to do, throw one at me?" muttered Guybrush.
The stem of the flung rose caught him squarely in the eye. "Ow! Papappisshu!"
Elaine whirled 'round. "Guybrush? Are you okay?"
He pulled the flower out of his eye. Miraculously, it didn't seem to have caused any damage. But his gaze was blank, unfocused--and then his normally blue iris flashed red. "Okay? Okay? I've never felt more okay in my life!"
"Uh oh..." muttered Mask-boy.
"In fact, I need to go tell everyone just how okay I am. I'm great! Everyone should hear about me!"
"Guybrush, wait!" Elaine tried to take hold of his arm, but he pulled away, left eye blue, right eye red.
"Bye, hon! I'm off to tell the whole island!"
"Tell them what?"
"The story about how I defeated LeChuck!"
"But....which one?"
"All four of them! Bye!" With a mischievous flip of skirt, he was off.
Elaine cringed. "He's going insane. Dressed like that. And the entire island is going to see him do it."
"Sailor Pirate Chicken's under the control of something else," protested Lita.
"Yeah. His ego." Elaine sighed. "Well done, flower-boy."
"Hey! He ducked!"
She whirled around angrily. "Try having a rose chucked at you for a change--I'll bet you'd duck, too."
"Sailor Pirate Princess," Luna cut in. "We are going to recover your husband from the...negative energies of his own inflated self-image. Who knows? This could be the very reason we were sent here."