A/N Before you read this I will warn you there will be details of suicide, depression, and death in this story. It could be graphic at points.
A/N 2 AT SOME POINT MANY OF THE MEMORIES WILL BE JUMPLED BECAUSE SHE IS SLOWLY LOSING CONSCIENCE FROM THE PILLS, VODKA, AND THE BLOOD LOST. SO IF A MEMORY QUICKLY CHANGES IT'S BECAUSE THIS IS HOW IT WOULD SEEM TO HER.
A/N 3 Any new and original memories are during the battle against the faction less which would be occurring post-insurgent
She walked the pitch black path, not even a flash light to provide some type of light for her to follow. She didn't need one, it was as if her feet had memorized the course from doing it day after day, week after week, over a course of a year. This time it would be her last visit, there would never be another visit again. She thinks to herself why would there need to be other than this is the last one. This is the end. A small smile crosses her face knowing that the pain is almost over, it will end tonight. This thought causes her to walk with a more a determined step, the messenger bag bouncing against her frail small body that has withered away from neglect. This though wasn't just any messenger bag it was his messenger bag. She felt it was fitting using anything that once belonged to him to help her finally be able to meet him once again. She grazes her hand against her chest adjusting the strap that is touching where a person's heart should be. She no longer has to worry about that because her heart is gone in its place is an empty black hole that will never be filled in this life time. She pauses for a second to look up and search for the star that reminds her of him. She strains her eyes searching for it, when she finds it she mumbles words under her breath that even someone who was next to her lips wouldn't hear. She attempts to take a deep breath, but as always doesn't get enough oxygen into her lungs because like her lack of a heart, a large lump has taken residence in her throat that has not gone away since he took his last breath.
After taking one last look at the star she adjusts her bag and continues walking, looking straight ahead. Her head not ever veering left or right, she doesn't need to see anything that is around her, none of it even matters. Her mind is one clear definitive thought, and that is getting to the destination that her feet were carrying her too. Her mind has been on this one thought since she decided this is what she needs to do to be with him. In the last month she has planned and worked out every detail to get to this point. When she gets to her destination a sense of relief comes across her body knowing it's finally happening, the moment is almost finally here. She then digs in her pocket for a lighter to light the candles that are set into the ground. One by one the candle light causes shadows to flicker across the hard cold surface. She sets out the blanket and the rest of the things she will need for tonight laying them out along the edge, finally resting a bunch of white lilies against the stone.
She sits down on the ground and just stares at the stone and then the sadness takes over as the memories hit her like a ton of bricks. All the memories come thrusting back into her mind at a rapid pace all the happy memories, the arguments, and finally the last memory together they shared that final fateful night. Silently the tears dripping down her face, she allows them to fall not caring anymore because there is nothing left for her to care about, it's all gone. She just traces the writing carved into the stone over and over again as she silently cries for her lost love. She then whispers almost as a prayer the words that are carved into the stone, etching it one final time into her memory.
Tobias "Four" Eaton
Beloved Husband of Tris Eaton, Friend, and Leader
May we remember you as the person you were Brave, Intelligent, Kind, Honest, Selfless, and Loving. And work to become the person you were.
Born February 2, 2180
Died May 3, 2200
She softly begins to talk to him "Tobias, it's me Tris. I can't believe it's been one year, 52 weeks, 1,526 minutes since I saw you take your last breath. Everyone told me it was going to get easier, I just needed time. "
She takes a breath, and the lets out a bitter laugh. They were liars, she thought, each and every one of them, especially the ex-candor, no wonder she left her faction she was a liar and couldn't stay because she lies. None of them knew how she felt, or what she went through. Yes they mourned and cried with her, but they began to move on while she stayed dead, and emotionless. She then looks down at the grave and picks up her conversation with her dead lost love, her husband, a widow at only 18.
"I gave it time. They lied to me, it's not any easier than it was one year ago today, it still hurts just as bad if not worse. Life isn't worth living if you are not there with me in the morning, kissing me when you first open your eyes, seeing you laugh with Zeke as you eat Dauntless cake, telling me you love me, and all the other small things you used to do. I can't keep living this way. It hurts too much seeing every part of the Dauntless compound that just brings back another memory of you."
She stops during her speech to crack the seal on the bottle of vodka, and pour out a hand full of pills, she puts them in her mouth proceeds to take a huge swig of vodka straight from the bottle. The vodka burns as it goes down, and the pills scrap her throat because of the 8 pills she took in one large gulp. She didn't care about the physical pain that pills are causing her throat or the burning sensation the vodka is causing in the pit of her stomach. She frankly did not care about anything because for the first time in a year she is feeling something. And it's a joyous feeling because this is the first step she is taking to her death, the first step in finally meeting, once again, her long lost love, her husband Tobias. She takes a deep breath and continues
"I know you thought I was stronger than this, that I was Dauntless, but I'm not without you. Not having you with me makes life meaningless, me selfish, and weak. Tobias I am nothing without you, but for a shell of a person who cannot go one living."
She stops again takes another hand full of pills takes another swig of vodka. Each time she takes a swig of the vodka the burning becomes a little less; her throat has now become numb to the feeling of taking handfuls of pills.
"So today on the anniversary of your death, I decided to join you wherever you are. Please do not be mad at me, but life isn't worth living if you aren't here"
This time she picks up the razor, his razor. She felt it was fitting to use his razor to help end her life. That using his razor will help bind them together as she meets him in the afterlife. She drags the razor vertically across her left wrist leaving one, two, three large cuts along her wrist. As the blood starts bleeding out she watches it pool on her arm, she picks up the razor once again and drags it across her wrist making the cuts deeper and longer. She does this because she can't feel and she needs to feel something, anything in her last minutes of life. She lifts up the bleeding wrists and allows some of the blood to drip onto the stone so that her and Tobias can be joined together.
As she watches her wrist bleed and drip onto the white sheet as the stain of blood gets bigger and bigger she thinks back to the first moment she saw him when he lifted her out of the net. She lifts up the bottle of vodka takes a few pills and takes a swig.
"Cheers to our first meeting at the net, and our next meeting wherever that is."
She lifts up the razor again realizing it's not happening fast enough she is not meeting her end at a quick enough rate. She drags the razor across her uninjured wrist over and over again watching the blood begin to rush out of her wrist. The whole time she is slashing her wrists, she never cries out in pain. Her hand reaches out to grab the pill bottle, but sees it's now empty, the vodka is also half empty. Much like her life since he left her, everything is half empty. She laughs at the bitter irony of it all, that even in death, with him not here it's all emptiness in front of her.
Then like a rabid animal she takes the razor slashing deeper cuts all over her arm. After each slash of her wrist she follows it up with a swig of vodka, making guttural animal sounds as she works. As the blood flows out of her cuts all over her arms she begins to release the emotions she hasn't felt in a year. Almost as if the gashes in her arms are finally allowing her to finally feel again the pain, heartache, and anger that had vanished from her body the second he vanished from her life.
Memories Fade in
As her mind begins to drift flashes of memories bombard her all at once falling into the net after the choosing ceremony, feeling him pull her out of the net. Flashes of them kissing in Amity, and arguing in Candor. Until one clear memory begins to silently take form in her mind, the day he died, the day her world came to an end. The day everything changed for her and never went back to the way it used to be.
Memory Jump
They were right outside of Abnegation the place of their birth, and the place they came back to after he rescued her from Jeannie Matthews. So many lives were lost, and families were destroyed since the faction-less- took control of the city and the weapons. She thinks of the pointless lives that were taken, the children who now will grow up as orphans, the wives who lost their husbands, husbands who lost wives, parents who lost children. What was the point of it? Why did they keep fighting then she remembers why as everyone around them was dirty, tired, and hungry as they continued to fight against the faction-less it has been this way since the video was exposed a year and half ago. Finally all the factions stopped putting each other down, and came together to fight one common goal, to beat the Faction-less.
Evelyn threatened her son calling him a traitor how could he ever choose this insignificant waif over his mother the day the video was exposed. She thinks back to the fight that went on for the next few minutes as Evelyn threatened to have Tris arrested for Treason. Tobias stood up to her threatened her, telling her that she has no authority to ever arrest Tris. That she is dead to him and his mother was dead the day she was supposedly put in the ground nine years ago. He tells her that she is the true traitor. He grabs Tris' hand and they run far from Erudite far from everything so they can try to repair the damage that was caused with their mutual distrust of each other. Ever since then he was enemy number 1 in the faction-less book, it was their goal to kill Tris Prior because doing that would break Tobias and break the factions.
That night Tris had gone on a scouting mission, she had a bad feeling all day that something would happen. Even though she was due back the next afternoon she didn't want to leave. She tried to tell him constantly about her worries, but didn't do it because she was worried he would think she is just paranoid. She only went because Tobias told her he needed her to, she was the only one he could trust, so she went. He walked her to the train that morning gave her a long lingering kiss and told her he would see her tomorrow afternoon. As the train pulled away she had the overwhelming need to jump out and stay with him or call for him to come with her. Instead she stayed silent and watched him become just a speck in the landscape.
On the train ride back as they got closer to the abnegation sector she heard the guns, the sound of bullets hitting flesh as they jumped off the train. Her first thought as her heart leapt into her throat was Tobias, she began running towards the fighting. She had to make sure he was okay. She had to see he was okay, in one piece, not hurt. She couldn't believe that the nagging feeling in her stomach had come true.
When a hand grabbed, her she tried yanking out of the grip. She had to find Tobias, she didn't care what someone wanted from her right now. Her priority right now was finding her husband, seeing him, knowing he is safe. When she heard her name she stopped struggling and turned around. It was Uriah underneath the dirt and bruising he had a look of pain across his face. There was blood splattered all over his clothes, it was fresh and so bright that it stood out from the black. She stood there paralyzed wondering whose blood was it. Who got hurt? How many more people had died because of this war?
"What is it Uriah? Tell me now I need to find Four." Even though everyone knows his name is Tobias no one dares to use it, but for Tris. She grew impatient waiting for him to speak, his normally tan face was just so pale right now like someone sucked all the blood out of it and splattered it across his clothes.
"It's Four. He… He."
She grabs him by the shoulders and begins to shake him shrieking in a high pitch voice. "Tell me! Tell me now, Damn it!'
"He was shot Tris."
She felt like she was in a dream wanting to yell at Uriah to stop playing a joke on her that this wasn't funny. She looks at him with ice in her eyes and voice and says
"Stop lying Uriah. This isn't funny. Tell me it's a joke."
She starts shaking him trying to stop herself from slapping him.
"I am not telling you a joke. Its true he was shot."
His voice drops to a whisper when he says this.
"WHAT, WHERE, WHEN! TELL ME NOW, WHERE IS MY HUSBAND!"
"They took him to his old house about an hour ago."
She ran off without looking back not ever thinking about anyone else who she left behind. The only thought in her head was Tobias.
Memory Jump
Her mind slowly drifts to the day in Amity the fighting continues to rage throughout the factions. Death is surrounding them from both sides and she wonders how much longer they can continue this before they are all dead. They are away from the fighting for a rare moment to speak to Johanna Reyes about sending Amity members to serve as medic's, cooks, and other workers for the war. The Amity this time has joined the fighting in a more peaceful way, they will do anything but raise weapons against their fellow person. They were walking in the orchards where apples were hanging off the trees, and the scent of lilies filled the air because they were growing everywhere. They were spending the night here taking a moment to themselves. It was twilight, the sun was slowly setting causing the sky to be lit up in shades of pink and orange. Tris thought she would never forget this sunset because it was so different and unique. The only thing bothering her was that Tobias was acting so strange, distant, like he was in another world, she knew the war was taking its toll on him. Tobias had stopped and picked a Lilly to give to her it was the purest white she had ever seen, and there were hundreds of them surrounding them growing from the ground. It was so unlike him such a rare moment for him to perform such an outright romantic gesture. He grabs her hand and forces her to sit down with him in the grass. He cups her face and takes a deep breath. She is confused about why he suddenly is acting so strange, nothing has happened to cause him to act like this. Suddenly she is scared and has butterflies in her stomach, maybe he is telling her bad news or going to break up with her. Panic crosses her face in till she starts hearing him speak
"Tris you know that I love you more than anything, and I value you more than my own life. If something would happen to you I don't know what I would do. "
"Tobias nothing is going to happen to me or you. I don't care what happens to anyone else, I am not losing you. I love you. Please stop talking like this its bothering me. Let's just enjoy this time we have together because tomorrow we have to go back"
"Tris, I want to know no matter what you will be okay. Promise me that! Please, I need you to just promise me that. "
She takes a deep breath not sure if she could make that kind of promise to him, but like when she lied to him about not going to Erudite that faithful nigh she lies to him again. She leans in and kisses him softly and whispers the words.
"Tobias, I don't have to promise you that because nothing is happening to you, but yes I promise."
He takes a deep breath, a look of relief crossing his handsome features. He reaches into his pocket never allowing her to see what he is taking out of it.
"Good because if you didn't I couldn't give you this."
He takes her hand and gives her a deep kiss, and at the same time slipping a ring into her hand. He does this to distract her and she doesn't realize in till the last minute when he pulls away that something is in her hands.
"What, what is this?"
She looks down at the diamond ring that has a round stone with little diamonds going around the band. She is shocked and confused why there is a ring in her hand. What is he doing? Then she sees him take her by the hand and pull her up while he bends down on one knee before he starts talking.
"Beatrice Prior during this crazy time and all of the uncertainty in our life, nothing is certain except my love for you. Well there is also one more thing, that more than anything I want you to be my wife. Will you marry me?"
"YES, YES, YES I LOVE YOU."
The tears that streamed down her face for the first time in a long time symbolized something beyond sadness it symbolized happiness. She jumps into his arms and kisses him saying yes over and over again. She knew life was made up of millions of moments, but this moment was the most special of them all.
Memory Jump
Tris took off running towards the Eaton's house silently praying any prayer that she could think of that he would be alive when she got there. Her mind during the run from the train tracks to the house was a jumble of memories of Tobias and her all while she knocked anyone who crossed her path out of the way. She didn't understand what happened. What had happened just an hour ago that now has her husband in a bed with gunshot shot wounds? She didn't know who did this, but when she found out they were going to pay for this. She made a vow that it wouldn't be painless, or quick.
She didn't want to go to Amity she had this nagging feeling that something was going to happen. What would happen if they were apart who would protect him. He doesn't think of himself, just others, his abnegation side coming through at times like these. Sometimes she just wished he wouldn't think about those other people. The people who names he doesn't even know, the people that when this war is over will go back to putting us down because we are not in their faction.
She kept whispering under her breath "he will be okay, he will be okay." He promised me that he wouldn't leave me till we are both old and grey, and even then on the same day. She thinks about just two days ago what they were just talking about. They were laying in a small bed cuddle up for warmth in Candor headquarters much like during the war against the Erudite, they were back in the Candor Headquarters. They were having a rare moment of quiet no one was around as she was wrapped up in his arms. She reaches to put on a shirt so no one would barge in and seem both of them in a state of undress. He pulls her back wanting their skin to continue touching without the barrier of clothes. They lay in bed for a little bit in silence until he sees something is bothering her. So he begins a conversation, them just talking like any normal married couple would do while lying in bed. They talk normally until she breaks and can't hold in what she is feeling any more, it's like a damn break, a rare moment of vulnerability and fear. Tris admits the one thing that is scaring her more than anything in this life, losing him.
"Tobias, I am scared."
He pulls her into his arms tighter and kisses her head.
"What are you scared of?"
"Losing you. Losing you to this war. I don't know if I can go on if you are not here.
"Hey, Hey. Look at me."
When she does he sees the tears are streaming down her face. She doesn't normally cry and for once she doesn't care if she seems weak, small, or fragile. Some things are more important like the safety of her husband, her life raft, the one person she lives for in this life.
"Nothing is happening to me for a very long time. We are going to live a long life and grow old together. Then when it's time for us to no longer be here anymore we are going to die on the same day so neither of us is ever alone."
He never coddles her like this, but once, just this once he felt his wife needed it. And who is he to deny her this. She was already leaving to go to Amity overnight and nothing was ever definite in this world they lived in now. So why not just do it this once, just to ease her fears. She already had fought going not wanting to leave him. So he makes the promise he knows deep down he's not sure if he can keep, but prays he does. The one thing that scares him more than anything is losing her.
That memory plagues her mind as she runs closer and closer to the house that has Tobias. The memory just repeating itself like a broken record, she mentally beats herself up and knows she should never have left. Finally she sees the Eaton house up ahead and she forced her legs with one more last burst of strength to pump a little harder to get to the house, almost as if she feels if she gets there one second faster maybe the outcome will be different it will just be a bad joke.
Finally she reached the door and almost rips it off its hinges. When she gets in there she starts screaming "WHERE IS MY HUSBAND! WHERE IS TOBIAS? WHERE IS FOUR?" TELL ME NOW!" She is running from room, to room in till finally she sees someone and grabs them saying
"Where's my husband? Where is Tobias Eaton he was shot and brought here?
A woman just stares at her like she is a mad woman and points up stairs. Tris doesn't care how she looks, or how she acts nothing at this moment matters, but finding him. She runs up the stairs taking the steps two at a time, the sounds of her steps pounding in her ears. She throws doors open looking for him in the deserted hall. She keeps thinking where is he? Why is there no one here to tell me what is happening? Where is my husband? When a man grabs her and says,
"Are you Mrs. Eaton?"
She stumbles back ready to attack because of the feeling of some stranger touching her until she realizes what the person I asking.
"Yes, where is my husband? How is he?"
She doesn't even bother answering the question his question is pointless of course she is his wife.
"Mrs. Eaton your husband has been shot in two places one in his abdomen, and one that has punctured his lung."
At that moment she feels like the air has been kicked out of her lungs, as her head spins. She doesn't know how to react or what to feel. What does this mean? When she finally gets her voice back she asks questions at a rapid pace.
"What is he doing here? Why is he not on the way to Erudite? He is a leader a Dauntless Leader, Damn it! What do his injuries mean?"
"Erudite's hospital has fallen to the Faction-less, we can't send anyone there for treatment. We are doing the best we can here."
"What does that mean?"
"It means we are trying to save his life with the limited equipment we have here."
"No, you have to do better than the 'best you can'. He is my husband, you do everything you have to save him."
The tears start falling as she realizes the doctor isn't going to rush away and fix him just because she commands it.
"Can I see him?"
"I am sorry, but the doctors are still working on him. You can wait out here."
Tris sits outside the hall, the smell of blood and anesthetic plaguing her nose as she falls to the floor praying that he will be okay. She tries to fight the tears falling down her face, but she knows it's a battle that will be lost.
Memory Jump
It was New Year's Day a sign of a new year, and a new start. It was snowing outside making everything look like a winter wonderland, calm and tranquil, the exact opposite of the fighting that is going on beyond the Amity gates. Ten people have gathered in the green house of Amity once again surrounded by Lilies to watch two people who more than any one deserved eternal happiness and personified what it is like to be in love. The groom stands up at the front of the green house in a black suit, black shirt, and silver tie with a white Lily in his lapel. The only thing on his mind at this second was seeing his bride and making her his wife in the next half hour. With all the craziness and chaos in the world at this moment one thing never changed, their love for each other has just grown stronger. His best man whispers, asking if he is ready. He knows its rhetorical questions because he's been waiting for this moment since he met her. The music starts before he sees her, he knows she is coming as soon as her maid of honor walks down. He can't wait to finally lay his eyes on her. Then he gets a glimpse of a silky silver dress as she takes hold of Uriah, who with no family left, offered to walk her down the aisle. She wears a simple silver dress and is holding a bouquet of white lilies the tears in her eyes reflect the love she feels for the man she is about to marry. Her soon to be husband looks on with a look of love on his face he can't believe that very soon she will be his wife. She walks up slowly to her husband-to- be and is married by Amity's wedding official, she just stares at him the whole time, trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill over onto her face. They take the vows that so many of them have recited before them, and insert their own words of love. Everyone in the room was able to feel the love they had for each other and knew it was a rare and beautiful moment. Instead of rings they had asked Tori to tattoo T&T 1-1-2200 on their ring fingers to symbolize them being bonded together forever. Rings could be lost in times like these, but tattoos are forever which is what they are forever. As an addition to their initials and the date they had a sideways eight tattooed next to it to symbol eternity. For them their love will go on for eternity and beyond. Much like the tattoo he had recently added to his collection of tattoos, he had a Ferris wheel tattooed above his heart with two white dove's flying above it. The Ferris wheel to symbolize the first time he realized he fell in love with her, and the doves to represent them as a pair, a couple, a life together.
They kiss when they are pronounced Husband and Wife and are given one hour to celebrate being married, before reality hits them once again that they are at war still. During that time they kiss, drink champagne, have petals of lilies thrown at them, and somehow someone found and made Dauntless cake for them. For one hour they could be the light hearted newlyweds they were supposed to be, but the war raging around them had stolen that away from them. One thing that they wouldn't allow the war and the craziness around them to consume them, their relationship, or their love for each other.
As she looks at him one more time before they leave the bubble and go back to the real world of violence, and death, and the realization that her parents weren't here to see her get married. She looks deep in his eyes and kisses him with all the love and passion in the world and whispers into his ear for only him to hear.
"I love you. Thank you for making me the happiest person in this world. I can't believe you are my husband."
Memories Fade in
"Mrs. Eaton I am your husband's doctor. We weren't able to remove the bullet from his lung without killing him on the table. We were able to remove the bullet from his stomach, but we are trying to stop the bleeding. Mrs. Eaton the outcome doesn't look good for your husband he has a very small chance of survival."
As she hears the final words it feels like the wind has been knocked out of her. The doctor keeps talking, but they don't seem to be penetrating her brain. All she hears is a small chance of survival. After he leaves a Amity nurse comes and escorts her to where Tobias is. She looks and thinks bitterly this was his childhood room, the room he grew up in. The room where he cleaned her bleeding feet after they escaped from Jeannie. The place he told her he would be her family, and held me all night. When she walks in she is immediately shocked by how small he looks. He doesn't look like himself. For a second she wants to laugh and say that's not my husband until she looks down and sees the matching tattoo. The one that matches her own around his finger. Then she knows it's really him.
The Amity nurse looks on with sadness seeing how the young woman looks beyond broken. What the doctor didn't tell her what they all knew was there was no chance for survival he would be lucky he lived the hour.
She crawls on the bed ignoring everything around her just him, her husband who looks like a ghost of what he was. She hates that he is here. Why did they have to bring him here? Why did they have to take him to the place of his nightmares. She just wants to scream and yell please take him somewhere else, anywhere else but here. The words though don't come to her mouth, almost as if she lost the ability to speak. So instead she just crawls into bed much like she did every night with him and caresses his dark hair that is so dark that it looks black while cradling him in her she does this she begins to whisper the words she is so desperate to say to him while she still can.
"Tobias it's me. It's Tris. I know you can hear me. I need you to come back to me Tobias. I love you. You are not going to let this destroy you. You are going to come back to me. You are going to come back to me like you have always promised you would. Fight this, show them they are wrong. Do it for me. For you, for the life we haven't started yet. "
Her body begins to shake with tears as she watches him hooked up to wires and machines. He looks like a little boy who is withering away. He doesn't look like the strong man she fell in love with. She wishes at that moment he would open his eyes just so she can see those deep blue eyes again. She needs to see them. She has to see them. She takes a deep breath and begins to speak again.
"Remember what you promised, that nothing would happen to you until we have lived a long life, and we were old and grey. That hasn't happened yet. I need you to fight this. Fight for you. Fight for me. Fight for us."
For just a minute she lets herself think that she is just in her fear landscape that all she needs to do is just slow down or face her fear. When she does that it will be all over she will be on the floor of the fear landscape room and Tobias will be there. He will calm her down and tell her that none of this is true that he is fine that he is not lying in a bed with gunshot wounds. Though deep down she knows that no matter how much she makes herself calm her breathing or face her fear that it's not changing the fact that her husband is laying in this bed bleeding out.
Memory Jump
They are at the bottom of the Chasm.
"I have a theory that selflessness and bravery aren't all that different," he says. "All your life you've been training to forget yourself, so when you are in danger, it becomes your first instinct. I could belong in Abnegation just as easily."
"Yeah, well I left Abnegation because I wasn't selfless enough, no matter how hard I tried to be," she responds looking down.
"That is not entirely true. That girl who let someone throw knives at her to spare a friend, who hit my dad with a belt to protect me, that selfless girl, that's not you?"
"You've been paying close attention, haven't you?"
"I like to observe people."
"Maybe you were cut out for Candor, Four, because you're a terrible liar."
"Fine," "I watched you because I like you."
"And don't call me 'Four', okay? It's nice to hear my name again."
"But you're older than I am…Tobias."
"Yes, that whopping two-year gap really is insurmountable, isn't it?"
"I'm not trying to be self- depreciating, I just don't get it. I'm younger. I'm not pretty. "
Memory Jump
Since she got here he has not regained conscience. They warned her he may not and die and never regain conscience. She doesn't believe that he will or not wake up. They don't know him they don't know his spirit, his fire, his will. These doctors' don't know anything. Why should they, they're all cold heart analytical Erudite. She sits on the bed continuing to hold him close looking so old and young at the very same time. There are no sounds in the room just the sounds of the machines ticking away. She sits watching him alone no one coming in or out she's alone with just her unconscious husband and her thoughts. The tears slowly streaming down her faces as she thinks about all the good times they had together and will have. She doesn't even bother to wipe the tears away. Why bother, what does anything matter as Tobias lies here hooked up to machines fighting for his life. She does nothing refusing to move, worried that if she evens get off the bed he will wake up and she won't be there for it. After 45 minutes of just watching him holding his hand, caressing his check, touching his hair she finally see's what she's been waiting a movement his eyes struggling to open. Her heart soars knowing he is waking up.
"Tobias, Tobias. Look at me. Look at me, it's Tris."
"Tris, you are back."
"Of course I am back. I am never leaving you again."
In barely a whisper he began to speak. "What happened?
"You were shot, but you are going to be okay. I promise you that. I am never leaving you again. I am going to nurse you back to health."
"Tris, I know what happened."
He stops to gasp for breathe. He finally looks up at her and see's the panic and fear that can't be masked.
"Tris, I know I am not going to make it. I know how badly hurt I got. I need to tell you things before it's too late"
"Don't say that. You are not dying. You will be fine I swear to you that"
'"Tris, I need you to fight. I don't want this to destroy you. I will always…"
He stopped speaking trying to gasp for breath. While Tris looked on with panic and fear that he really thinks he is going to die. He can't believe that he needs to believe he will be okay. She grabs his hand and peppers his face with kisses making soothing sounds whispering nothing is going to happen to him. She will never allow it.
"I will always be there for you. I promise. I love you Tris. I love you with all my heart. Remember that. You need to realize I am not going to make it. I know that. Just remember how much I love you"
She leans down and kisses him softly
"I love you Tobias. You just need to stop saying that. I am NEVER allowing something to happen to you."
"I love you Tris."
"Remember what you promised me, you aren't dying in till we've lived our whole life and we are old and grey. Then we will die on the same day."
As she says this he falls into unconscious again.
Memory Jump
"Don't pretend."
"You know I'm not. I'm not ugly, but I am certainly not pretty."
"Fine. You're not pretty. So?"
He leans in again and kisses my cheek. My heart starts to race.
"I like how you look. You're deadly smart. You're brave. And even though you found out about Marcus…"
"You aren't giving me that look. Like I'm a kicked puppy or something."
"Well," I says. "You're not."
He places his hand on my face and runs his hand through my hair. He pulls me in close and kisses me gently on the lips. He pulls away and smiles at me, I smile back. My heart is racing as loud as the river in my ears. He leans in and presses his mouth to mine a little more this time.
We continue to kiss in the bottom of the chasm, our embrace becoming more enthusiastic and more ravenous. I never thought I'd ever feel this way, ever be close to someone like this. I never thought I would ever find love in Dauntless. I guess I was wrong. We emerge a short time later hand in hand and go our separate ways.
Memory Jump
She sit's and watches as he falls back into a fitful sleep barely able to breathe because of the bullet lodged into his lung, the internal bleeding still slowly bleeding out into his body. She watches the heart monitor blinking and making noise. In her mind she keeps thinking he can't die, he can't die. She can't live without him. This is not how it's supposed to end not here in the house of his nightmares. He is not going to die in the house he was born. You don't die at the age of 20. You don't die when your life has just started. He always told me he didn't live for the first 18 years of his life, that he just started living when he met her. We have so much time to make up for. So much time to make up for it can't end right here, right now. The tears fall down her face freely. She gets up to wipe them away when she hears a stirring from the bed. She runs over right away to see Tobias struggling to reach for her hand. She runs over moving the hair from his face and whispers.
"Tris, you were the greatest thing that has ever happen to me. Promise me that you (cough, cough, cough.)
He takes a deep breath and doesn't finish his thought. She just kisses him reminding him what he has to live for. "You need to fight. You are Tobias Eaton, Four. Remember that."
She holds his hand and just continues to whisper in ear "I love you. I love you. I love you. You are my heart and soul."
As she watched him she saw him take one final breath. At that exact moment as the heart monitor shrieked that he was flatling. A nurse ran in and wasn't sure which was louder the sounds of the heart monitor shrieking or Tris that Tobias had died. She began to scream.
"Please help my husband's heart has stopped! Anyone do something PLEASE!"
A nurse called out CODE BLUE and more medical staff rushed into the room pushing her out of the way. She is screaming to let her back in that she needs to be there when she feels someone grab her and pull her into his chest. It is Zeke he has heard what happened and came here right away
"Tris shh, shh, shh. You need to let them work on Four. He is going to come back he loves you. He is a fighter; no one has more a will to live than him. "
They stand there for what seems like hours just Zeke holding onto his best friend's wife. A doctor walks out clearing his throat, when Tris looks at him she knows. She knows before even hearing what the doctor says that he is gone.
"Mrs. Eaton, I am sorry to say your husband is gone. We did everything we could to revive him. There was just too much internal bleeding, and his lungs were compromised by the bullet. I am sorry."
She escapes from Zeke's grasp and runs into see his body lying on the bed, his childhood bed. She touches his face and feels the coldness has taken over. In her mind is the same words over and over again he is gone, I love you Tris, he is gone, I love you Tris. The same words repeating in her head almost if it was on a loop. While standing there she feels someone touch her arm. She struggles away from it not wanting to be touched as she silently cries. The shrieks and screams are stuck in her throat now with a lump that seems to not want to leave. She can't take seeing him like this. She runs down the stairs trying to escape the image of him lying dead in his bed with Christina and Zeke following her calling her name. As she gets to the door she sees the one person come in that she never wants to see again. She may not have killed him with her own gun, but she is just as responsible for it.
Evelyn begins to speak asking where her son is. Before she had a chance to finish the sentence Tris was in her face screaming at her.
"YOU! YOU DID THIS! YOU KILLED HIM! YOU KILLED YOUR SON! I HATE YOU! YOU KILLED HIM! YOU ARE A MURDER! YOU MAY AS WELL KILLED HIM WITH YOUR OWN GUN."
She then slapped her! And went to go attack her with all the blind rage only someone who truly lost everything can feel. There were no thoughts going through her mind just trying to make Evelyn pay for taking away the one person in her life that she loved. She is at this point hitting, clawing at her doing any damage she can to make Evelyn hurt the way she is.
At that moment Zeke and Christina grabbed her trying to get her off Evelyn all while she kept screaming at the top of her lungs!
"YOU MAY AS WELL KILL HIM WITH YOUR OWN GUN! YOU USED HIM! YOU ABANDONED HIM! TRIED TO HAVE HIM LEAVE ME! NOW HE IS GONE! GONE BECAUSE YOU ARE A PYSCHO WHO ONLY WANTS POWER, AND REVENGE! I HATE YOU! I WILL KILL YOU FOR MURDERING HIM! I hate you! I will kill you if I get the chance."
She then falls into a heap on the floor screaming like an animal mixed with hysterical tears. Her whole body lost any strength it had. The whole time she is calling for Tobias to come back to her. Don't leave her like this. She is now alone there's no one left, her mother, father, Tobias all dead. Her brother is even dead even though he was a Traitor executed during the Erudite trials. For the first time in 19 years she is completely and utterly alone.
Memory Jump
She sits by the Chasm it's been a month since Tobias died, and it hasn't gotten easier. Two weeks ago the war ended when Evelyn was assassinated. Tris wishes she could have been there to see it, to kick her dead body, spit on it. She never got the chance, so wrapped up in her own grief. Why did he have to die when the war just about to end why.
As she sits at the chasm where they had their first kiss she takes out of her pocket the pills they give her every day the infirmary. She started having to see a therapist under leaders orders it was that or being checked into a clinic for "grief". Supposedly six months is long enough to grief for your husband before you are told you are mentally unstable. They just expected her to wake up one morning and act like nothing happened. That she would go back to the Tris that she used to be. Just because they could doesn't mean she can. They didn't love him the way she did. They don't understand and they never will. So they make her go to some head doctor three times a week. She mainly just sits there and answers his questions in as little words as possible. They claim she is depressed, and overcome with grief. That she has "issues." Her issue is that her husband is dead and never coming back.
"Their answer is time, and medication."
She laughs to herself time isn't helping, and she refuses to take these pills. She takes the pills in hand and throws them as hard as she can watches them slowly sink into the bottom of the chasm. She contemplates for a second throwing herself into the chasm and herself sinking to the bottom just like the pills.
She wants to go to the weapon room to be around the things that remind her of him, smell like him. She knows she can't though since the two wars you now have to sign in and out with someone when using weapons. She is not allowed to use them without someone there. They tell her it's for her safety she just knows that they don't trust her.
Memory Jump
As she ran out of the house she felt like her world had just caved in. She ran and ran the words repeating in her head that the doctor has just told her.
"I am sorry but your husband is dead. Your husband is dead."
All she kept seeing in her mind was Tobias laying there, eyes closed, not moving, not breathing. She wished they didn't close his eyes so quickly she needed to see them once more. She was never going to see those captivating eyes again. The eyes that drew her in that fateful day at the net, because he was gone forever never coming back to her again. She ran in till she saw a train and jumped on thinking about their first train ride together all that time ago.
Memory Jump
He pulls me into the train and I fall into his chest and his fingers slide down my arms to my elbow he continues to hold that way as we drift away from Dauntless. I wish that we never have to leave this position him just holding on to me forever. Finally though I break the silence hating myself at the same point knowing this could break him holding me.
"What do you want to tell me?" I ask
"Not yet," He says.
He leads me towards the wall where he sinks down to the floor facing me. I wonder where he is taking me what. What is going through his mind at this moment so I sit down my legs to the side facing him. The wind is blowing through my hair causing it to cover my face, yet he keeps looking at me making me feel like he couldn't bear to take his eyes off of me for even a second. He places his large palms on my face cupping them between them when he pulls me into a kiss that leaves me breathless. I shiver from the closeness. I have never been this close to anyone and sends fear, and something else I can't name through my body. He pulls away from the kiss and just starts to trail kisses down my neck and jaw all while he runs his fingers through my hair. His fingers are touching my entire face like he is trying to commit this moment, my face to memory like he will never see it again.
The train wobbles and I am thrown off balance. I reach for the first thing I can and find myself touching his hip. This sends a jolt of electricity through my body. I am suddenly then over come with a sense of fear, that I dismiss and decide to be Dauntless at that moment. I throw my leg over him and not sitting on top of him and I straddle his legs. I wrap my arms around his neck and skim the back of his neck itching to touch his hair which I give in and do. I then decide to be bold and kiss him, the kiss send thousands of little fireworks through my body.
Memory Jump
She rode the train for hours just crying and allowing memories to bombard her finally she gets over at the Dauntless compound. She stumbles towards their apartment, the apartment he took her to when he saved her life as an initiate. The apartment he will never see again. When she got to the apartment she heard voices coming from inside she is about to turn around when the door is thrust opened by Christina. She automatically takes Tris in her arms hugging her. She is lead to the couch, the couch they spent so many nights laughing, kissing, watching movies on that is now sitting the grieving faces of Uriah, Zeke, Tori, and Harrison.
"What are you guys doing here? Doesn't the grieving wife get a chance to mourn alone?" She says this with a mixture of sadness and bitterness mixed in.
Tori speaks up first "Tris we need to talk about Four's funeral."
"No, I don't want to do this right now!" I can't. Don't you guys see I don't want to do this? So get out of here. I will find you if and when I am ready till then GET THE HELL OUT OF MY APARTMENT!
Christina starts "Tris I know this is hard, but we need to do this."
"You guys don't know anything that I am feeling!"
Tori then snaps "Tris we know you loved Four. We all loved Four but there's a war going. We can't wait till you are ready. Make decisions and make them now before someone else does it for you."
Tris slumps down and sits very quietly for a long time processing what she needs to do. She needs to plan a funeral for her husband who only just turned 20. They've only been married for five months and now she is planning his funeral.
She takes a deep breath that sounds like her entire body is breaking in half and in a horse whispered voice says. "I don't want him to have a typical Dauntless Funeral. I want him to have a funeral like they used to with a grave, stone, flowers, but I don't want that many people just who is here. You can ask Shauna and Lauren. Now leave."
They leave the apartment knowing not to push her. Tris walks around the apartment looking at everything picking up random blankets, and clothing hoping to gather some of his scent from it, but like him it has mostly faded away into the wind.
Memory Jump
The rain is coming down in icy sheets as the sky crackles with thunder and lighting. The weather is brutal, rainy and windy. The small blonde girl dressed in black, covered by a large umbrella, doesn't even notice the weather that is surrounding her. Why should anything matter anymore today is the day she is burying her husband. The word even coming into her brains wracks her body with wave after wave of sadness and tears that overcome her like the wave's in her fear landscape. She thinks to herself, how did she go from being a wife to a widow in the matter of five months? How did this happen? How did Tobias die just two days ago? All of Dauntless has mourned and come up to her giving their condolences over the past two days. Shocked how the Dauntless prodigy has died. How the man with only Four fears is no longer.
She sits outside the grave site taking the time she needs to look at the stone. She thinks to herself, how will she get through today? How will she get through saying goodbye to him? She decided yesterday she wouldn't speak. She couldn't speak. How is she supposed to talk about her Husband in front of people? Christina and Uriah may have lost Will and Marlene, but their grief is nothing compared to what she is experiencing. They weren't with them that long, been in love with them, been married to them, watched them die in your arms. While they try to be sympathetic they just don't understand.
They don't understand that her heart has been ripped out of her chest. Where her heart is now just an empty black hole of endless pain that never seems to alleviate it's self for even one spilt second. The last two nights she thought the pain would eat her alive. Already she is getting the looks and whispers from everyone around her.
"Look at her she is Four's widow. Do you think she will go crazy? I heard she attacked Evelyn when it happened and almost killed her. "
She slowly walks over to the stone and traces the writing that has been etched onto the stone. She knows somewhere, wherever he is, that she hopes he is at peace. He is now with the angels.
She just stares at the stone while a small group of people file behind her. It's a small ceremony, they are still at war as well as neither Tris nor Tobias would have wanted a big spectacle. She couldn't handle the stares as everyone looks at Four's crazy widow.
The rain continues to beat down at them as Harrison begins the funeral. He opens up to a specific passage from a book they found before everything changed, before the factions. It was a religious book called The Bible. He reads passages about death, and people moving on to another life. They repeat the prayers or in Tris's case she just tries to. She feels so numb and almost as if she is watching this from above. Her brain and body are not connected and she almost feels like she would collapse if it wasn't for Uriah and Christina standing next to her holding her up.
Shauna, who no one knew till now, wheels herself up to the front and sings a song Amazing Grace. At this point Tris's legs begin to shake, and her eye's begin to tear up. She can't do this. She can't bury the only person she will ever love. She slowly sinks to her knees crying not caring she dropped the umbrella, and is becoming soaked with rain. Zeke runs over and helps Uriah lift her off the ground and brings her to a chair too sit where Christina goes to sit with her. Someone rushes over and gives her some water. Harrison at this point says they will take a minute or two to allow Tris to compose herself. After a minute Christina nods for Harrison to continue he says a few words about Four and then introduces Zeke to speak the Eulogy.
"Hello Everyone, I am Zeke as you know I was Four's best friend, that is until Tris came along. Four was an amazing man who was the true definition of Dauntless and beyond. He was brave, courageous, and funny to a point. He was everything that you could want, or need in a friend. He was a great person, but he became a different person when he met his true love Tris. From the moment he saw her he changed instead of just going through life he lived life. Seeing Four and Tris in love was an amazing thing and getting to see my best friend that way was a beautiful moment. Four had asked me if something ever happen to him he wanted me to take care of Tris. At this very moment I swear Four I will take care of her. Four, life will not be the same without you and we will forever carry you with us. "
Slowly everyone walked to Four's coffin and laid White Roses on his white Lilly covered coffin. Tris just watches this not knowing what to do or say to anyone. She keeps hoping this is all a bad dream and she is going to wake up in the Dauntless compound in their apartment and she will be in Tobias's arms. He will comfort her and tell her it was all a bad dream and that he is still here. She knows no matter how much she hits or pinches herself it's not going to change it, that he will still be dead.
She slowly gets up the last one leaves flowers on his coffin. She leaves a bunch of white lilies on his coffin the flowers that were growing when they got engaged, the flowers that she walked down the aisle holding to be his wife, and now the flowers that go on his coffin. As she is about to say something to him the last person to be ever wanted or welcome come through the trees.
Evelyn she is in black looking like she has been crying. At that moment Tris goes from extreme sadness to anger. She takes slow steps walking towards Evelyn her anger building up in a volcanic rage. Going through her mind is just one thought, how dare she have the nerve to come here. What right does that woman have to come here acting like a morning grieving mother. She wasn't his mother the second she left him with that monster. The second she started this war and her solider put a bullet through him.
That second rain or not Tris snaps and begins to run to lunge at her to make her bleed and hurt and be as battered and bruised as Tobias ever was in the hands of Marcus. She doesn't get a chance because Zeke grabs her and pulls her back.
He keeps repeating "It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It won't bring him back."
She struggles like an animal screaming,
"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! YOU DID THIS TO HIM! YOU ARE JUST AS BAD THE PERSON WHO PUT THE BULLETS IN HIM. GET OUT OF HERE, MURDERER. YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND! YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND."
At one point she breaks free of Zeke and attacks Evelyn hitting and slapping her, punching her screaming
"GET OUT OF HERE YOUR MURDER! YOU AREN'T WELCOME, GET OUT BEFORE I KILL YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I LOST MY HUSBAND BECAUSE OF YOU."
Zeke and Uriah pry her away from Evelyn as Edward leads Evelyn away from the group. At that moment something snaps in Tris's head she collapses in a heap screaming and crying. They go to try to pick her up scared she will throw herself on his grave.
She lies on the ground broken, and destroyed she keeps crying. She sits in a ball on the muddy floor repeating over and over again, "Tobias, please come back, please come back." Zeke and Uriah pick her up and take her back to the compound with Christina by her side. At that moment everyone looks at each other and knows that the woman that was Tris Eaton is no longer. The woman they see now is just a broken shell of what she used to be. The woman they knew that was courageous, loving, fun, brave, and intelligent died the second Four took his last breath and is being buried with him in the ground.
The rest of the week out of some need to be near him every night at eleven pm Tris takes a white sheet, and the blue quilt he put under her head after the attack at the chasm all that time ago. She goes to his grave cries herself to sleep and wakes up at some point before dawn to go back to the compound. She kisses his grave and walks back to her own private hell alone crippled with despair and grief.
MEMORIES FADE OUT
As Tris realizes she is finally about to die she lifts up her arm to put the note she wrote next to the flowers. It's not addressed to anyone it just says on the front I AM SORRY.
On the edging of the note you could see trails of red blood that looks so bright and angry against the pureness of the white paper. Tris did not address it to just one person, but to everyone that she cared about. She knew they may view her choice as selfish, going against her abnegation up bring, or cowardly going against the faction of her choice. She thinks back of how she judged AL when he threw himself over the Chasm after what he did to her. She remembered calling him a coward, but now she understands his pain. She hopes if she ever sees him again she will be able to make amends for what she did.
All around her body seems to taking on a weightless quality. She feels that she weights no more than a cloud, but in the opposite affect she feels like he she couldn't even lift a finger. Her mind has lost all thoughts except for the one she is waiting for, to see him again. To finally see those dark blue eyes with the light blue patch in his left iris. To finally feel his lips against hers once again, he just whispers her name in her ear. She feels the air leaving her lungs quickly, as the blood continues to bleed out onto the crisp white sheet.
She thinks it's ironic that this is one of the sheets he would hold me in at night in our bed, this is the sheet I used when I slept on his grave when he first died, this is the sheet I will bleed out and die on his grave. It all comes full circle, she thinks. Everything comes around in one full circle.
She starts to sing some song she heard as child in school, whispering it as she searches one last time for the star that reminds her of him. She looks for the star almost as a calling for him to finally come for her. It's time, she is ready to die. She's has been ready to die since he took his last breath. She planned this since she decided that she had to die on his one year anniversary. Nothing would be stronger than that. She needed to die today; there's been no other way.
Her eye's look for the star but they are barely more than slits. Her eye lids have grown as heavy as her vision has blurred. She started feeling an icy coldness take over her body, but the weather around her was a warm humid heat. She shivered and tried to lift her arms to wrap around body, but found it impossible to do so. Instead she felt an over whelming need move her head which took such difficulty and kiss the tomb stone. She kisses it with all the love and emotion that's been pent up for a year.
That's when she feels a breeze pass her face, almost as if it was a lover's caress. She then with the last of her strength strains her glassy barely open her eye's to find that star and ask for Tobias to come soon for her. She can't hold on much longer. She finds it and say's in a ragged whisper from the vodka, and pills wrecking her throat.
"Tobias, please come! I can't hold on much longer. Please I did this for us to be together."
She gives up speaking dropping her head, and dragging her bloodied wrist across the sheet causing a long red line across the sheet. The line almost looked like an arrow to her dying body.
Not opening her eyes because she can't find the strength she hears the sounds of footsteps, light steps, almost as if it was a hunter walking across the ground. She prays it's not someone who is there to try save her it's too late for her. The only thing they would accomplish is keeping her away from Tobias after it's all over. She would find any last bit of strength in her dying body if someone tries to move her from this grave.
She hears something then, almost as if its musical notes to her ears. The sound she's been waiting for. The sound her heart, soul, and body has been craving to hear. The sound of his voice finally coming for her she begins to hear the faint whisper of her name through the breeze
"Tris, Tris."
She whispers in a croak "Tobias, Tobias."
Barely opening her eyes she begins to make out the silhouette of a 6'' man coming out of the trees. He walks with a light footed grace that no man can possess. She feel's before she sees a ghost of a hand caressing her face.
"Tris, what happened what are you doing?"
She looks up and see's the one person she's been waiting for. "Tobias, it's really you. I missed you for so long. "
He smiles at her a small smile playing across his lips. There's almost a peacefulness that surrounds him that has never been there before.
"Yes Tris it's really me. What are you doing?" He asks this again clearly knowing by looking at the state of her ravaged body thin from neglect, ravaged by razor blade cuts, and the remnants of a empty pill, and vodka bottles.
"Tobias, I couldn't do it. I couldn't live without you." She has silent tears stream down her face.
Speaking has become almost impossible for her as she takes gasps of breath from her lungs that are shutting down.
He sits down on the bloodied sheet made red by her blood that has gushed out of the wounds on her arms. He lifts her body into his arms and cradles her the way he cradled her on the train after they left Dauntless on the war to Amity after her parents died. He murmurs whispers into her ear telling her how sorry he was that he left her. They won't ever be apart again. That he forgives her for what happened.
She looks at him and says "I just couldn't live without you."
He kisses her lips for the first time in a year. The lips that are now as drained of color, as her face that now is as white as the lilies resting against the stone.
"Shh, it's okay, I understand. It's almost over. I love you more than anything. And now we will never be apart I promise you. It's time to go and move on."
As Tris takes her last breath on this earth, as her eye lids close, as she lays in the arms of the only person she ever loves she whispers out the words.
"I love you."
Her head drops into his lap. At 12:35 am on May 3, 2201 Beatrice "Tris" Eaton made her last wish come true, she joined the only person she will ever love, she joined her husband. She was a widow at 18, and died at 19.
Tobias gets up off the bloodied sheet bright with her blood that glistens against the moon lit sky and reaches out for her hand. She gets up feeling a new lightness to herself and they walk towards the white misty path in the trees. She looks down at her still lifeless shell of a body and whispers.
"I am not sorry."
A/N
Thank you so much for everyone who read this. I mainly got this idea because I had seen so many one shots where you how Tobias handles Tris's death if she died. I thought it would be interesting to how it would be delving into it if she did not handle it.
If I see a large positive response to this one shot I will do a second chapter where we see the reaction of Christina finding her etc.
I would like give a special thanks to Zariha321 who listened to my idea and encouraged me to go deeper and darker with this story. I appreciate all your help especially editing this for me. Thank You so much for you help.
*****For anyone who ever feel depressed, or feeling any thoughts of suicide please go to someone to ask for help. ***