Hold Me Together As I Fly Apart
Tagged for 2x22: Keith was on the plane with Woody, and Veronica is in shock for about two days. Once that wears off, she's in an almost constant state of panic, and the only thing that can calm her is Logan… and his considerable talents.
90909
The night your father dies (is blown up), you cry yourself to sleep. Your dreams are filled with fire and falling, and boys with bitter smiles jumping from roofs.
Your father left you and it is unlike anything you've ever felt before. Lilly left without warning; was torn away from you, brutally, and then pain was like being run over by a train. Your whole body literally ached. Then your mother left you (though she'd already been gone for a while), and there was anger and grief, but no surprise, and somehow, this was worse than the death (murder) of your best friend. You are really the one who leaves Logan, but you feel like he's the one who abandoned you, because really, you weren't breaking up with him, you were giving him a choice (and not even a hard one, because you're not asking him to choose between you and his friends, just you and his unhealthy, illegal obsession with pissing people off). But he'd choose just about anything over you, apparently (you should have known), and so you're the one who's hurt. Duncan leaving is something you'd been expecting from day 1(version 2). He leaves and then you really are alone again, because Logan hates you, Wallace isn't talking to you, your dad doesn't trust you at all anymore, and you never thought to get close enough to Mac to be incredibly friendly before, and now you can't because you don't want her to leave you too.
Miraculously, you get Wallace and your dad back, and you and Mac grow closer. You don't feel alone anymore, and the morning of graduation starts so well.
But the sight of the ball of fire in the sky behind you rips your heart from your chest, so it stands to reason that when Cassidy (not Beaver) jumps from the roof, you feel nothing. You'd hoped you'd maybe feel at least satisfaction, but you're numb.
This isn't what was supposed to happen. When you finally got Logan back, you were supposed to be able to care. But you can't. You don't feel anything, save for the terror that comes with your dreams (nightmares) and an indefinable pain.
Then, a moment of desperation shows you a way to feel again. Being with Logan (and by with, you mean with) is the only thing that lets you feel anything. This is something you choose easily over sleeping (because that's more like watching a horror movie than resting anyway). On some level, you know you're really just using him, but you can't bring yourself to care, because when you're not clinging to him fucking like there's no tomorrow, you can't do anything but hurt. He doesn't seem to mind.
When you first made love to him (long before your father died, back when life didn't suck nearly this much) it was sweet. After that, when you made love to each other, it was sometimes sweet, sometimes a little sour, sometimes angry, sometimes hard and fast. Now you don't make love. You fuck him or beg him to fuck you, and it's always desperate and frantic. You can only breathe when he's pushing into you and dragging you into bliss.
"Veronica," he whispers into your hair one night, right after a fuck. He's still inside you, and even that's not close enough. "Ronica, I want you to talk to somebody about this."
He's silent then, letting you digest his words. You know what he means by this. You even agree on some level. You know what you're doing isn't healthy. Barely eating, not sleeping, throwing yourself into work and dangerous situations. But you just don't care. And even if you did, you don't know another way.
You don't say anything to him and he sighs. "This isn't healthy, Veronica. You're killing yourself, and I'm not going to sit here and watch you do it. God, you haven't slept in weeks! And you barely eat, Veronica, you can't keep this up. I've made an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow morning. I want you to talk to her, and let her help you. If she says you need to be put in the hospital, and at the rate you've been going, I'm afraid she might, I want you to listen to her. I need you to cooperate with the psychiatrist, let her help you."
You still don't speak, but when he mentions staying in a hospital, you tense up. There's just no possible way you'd survive not being able to see him whenever you want. You need him, like you've never needed anyone or anything before in your life (except maybe your father, though that didn't end very well). You can't stop thinking about it, and your breathing becomes shallow.
"Hey," he says gently, tilting your head up to capture your lips in his own. You kiss back desperately, opening your mouth to his, stroking his tongue with your own. He responds, and you fuck like there's no tomorrow. And maybe there isn't, not for you at least. You don't want to be separated from Logan, but if you must be, it will happen on your own terms.
90909
When he's been asleep for a good two hours, your gently extract yourself from his grasp, careful not to wake him. You silently pack a duffel bag with clothes and toiletries, and your wallet. As you lock the door behind you, you pull your jacket tighter around yourself, cold despite the warm California air.
If you could still feel anything but the pain, you'd probably feel remorse, guilt, anger. But Cassidy ripped your heart out and left you to bleed on the roof of the Neptune Grande, not even leaving enough of your heart (or your father) to bury. He was simply gone, literally dust in the wind, and you think maybe you left with him. It just took your body a while to catch up. So you drive east until you meet the rising sun, after you withdraw as much cash as you can. You find a chop shop somewhere in Arizona and trade your car in, paying the man to deny everything.
When you remember to eat, you stop at a little diner and the waitress serves you pancakes with bacon, and calls you honey (just like Dad used to) when the bacon makes you cry a little.
A couple cities later, you think to dye your hair and get a trim. You always wear sunglasses to hide your face. You keep your phone off, and you ditched the tracker your father had put in it back in Neptune. Not that there's anyone left to use it.
90909
When you have been gone for 32 hours (and still haven't slept at all; it's a miracle you haven't caused an accident yet), you turn your phone on (after making sure it is night in Neptune, in hopes that anyone tracking you would be asleep). You are sitting in the crappy car you now own in the parking lot of a gas station in the middle of fucking nowhere, and the only other person for miles is the sleepy station owner, who blinks at you and then decides you're not a threat and returns to his newspaper.
You have 67 missed calls, 31 texts, and 12 voicemails. Of those, 41, 18, and 7 (respectively) are from Logan. You take a moment to listen to the messages, if only to hear his voice again.
"Veronica, it's Logan. Baby, please call me when you get this and let me know where you are. Remember to be home by 11, so we can go to your appointment. Love you." His voice is a little desperate despite not mentioning his worry. You listen to the next one.
"Veronica, please don't do this. I want you to be okay. Please just come home and we can talk about this."
"Veronica Mars! If you're not home by dinner, I'm sending out the hounds. The cops may not take missing persons reports for 36 hours, but your friends do. If you make me come find you, I will not be happy."
The next one is from Wallace. "Hey Superfly. Listen girl, Logan's going a little crazy not knowing you're okay. Can you at least call the boy so he'll calm down? Or at least call someone. I understand you need your space, but at least let us know you're not broken down in a ditch somewhere."
The next two are from Logan again, one begging you call, text, send up a flare, anything to let him know you're okay. Then other is after dinner, and he's calling to tell you that Mac and Wallace and Alicia and even Weevil and Lamb are all looking for you.
Which leaves you unsurprised when the next message is from Weevil. "Yo, V! Listen, if Richie Rich did something to hurt you or piss you off, you can just tell me, and I'll take care of him. No need to run away, just run to Weevil. Call me when you get a chance."
Alicia calls you next, telling you that you need to come home. If you need to stay with her for awhile, she'd be glad to have you. Or if you want to road trip, let them know where you are, and she'll go with you. But she doesn't want you alone right now. Logan leaves another frantic message after hers, cursing you for removing the tracker from your car, and begging you not to do anything stupid. Mac also calls you, telling you that no matter how well you hide, or how long it takes her, she'll find you. She also curses you for leaving, letting you know that none of them need this right now, and that includes you. You're not so sure.
Logan's last message is a desperate cry for you to return. "Ronnie, I love you so much. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about seeing a therapist before I made the appointment. I promise that if you'll just come back we can talk about it. Maybe we could just start off small, you know, talk to a counselor and see what they suggest. I won't make you go to the hospital, baby, just please please please come home. I need you."
The last message surprises the hell out of you. "Veronica Mars," you hear Sheriff Lamb's voice drawl. "Please come back and get your boy-toy out of my office." There is a pause, and you think he's going to hang up then, but he doesn't. "Come home, Mars. I know you miss him. I know it has to hurt like nothing else. But this isn't the way to handle it."
You sit and stare at your phone for a few minutes. Suddenly you want to call someone. You need to hear a familiar voice, and the desire rushes up in your throat and almost chokes you, it is so strong. But you know you can't give up that easily. It's just not in your nature. You decide to stop in the next town to think about what you should do.
A part of you wants them to find you, but you decide that if they haven't found you in 48 hours, you're moving on.
90909
For two days, you barely leave the grungy motel. You only eat a couple times, and you mostly waste the hours away taking showers (still trying to scrub beaver off of you, two and a half years later) or staring at the ceiling, somewhere between nightmares and reality. Which is really just another kind of nightmare. You're not sure what the difference is anymore.
Finally, at hour 50, you realize that you have, in fact, been sleeping, because you missed your alarm (and at this thought, the nightmare you'd been having comes back to you, wrapping itself around you like a suffocating blanket). You sigh and force your tired body to walk to the manager's office to check yourself out. When you go back to your room to get your bags, you let yourself fall back onto the bed, too tired to move despite the fact that you now suspect you might have just slept for the better part of two days (later, when your mind is clear, you will find out that you didn't). Now you just sit and stare at the wall while tears stream down your cheeks.
90909
And this is how they find you, nearly an hour later. It turns out the motel owner might have been just another pretty face, but her brother wasn't, because he recognized you despite your changed appearance, and tattled on you. Logan and Wallace and Mac and anyone else who may still care have known where you are since around lunchtime day before yesterday (which is funny, considering you're not sure where you are).
So, after you have been living (for lack of a better term) in a motel in the middle of fucking nowhere for 51 hours, they find you alone, sitting on the edge of the bed, knees pulled up to your chest, arms wrapped around your legs, tears falling from your eyes.
You don't hear them outside the door, nor do you hear the door open. But then there is light in the room, and Lamb, of all people, is kneeling in front of you. It takes you a moment to realize that his lips are moving, because you don't think you can hear what he's saying. Your mind definitely can't process it.
Then Logan's arm snakes around your shoulders, pulling you into his chest as he sits on the bed beside you, and the world rights itself, and you can hear again.
"When's the last time you ate, Mars?" Lamb asks you, his voice full of something so close to concern that you almost have to laugh. Almost.
But you don't know the answer to his question, and talking takes far too much effort anyway, so you just lean into Logan and hug him to you, wondering why you thought it was a good idea to leave him. Somewhere behind you, you hear the voice of the manager's brother say something about not seeing you leave your room since a couple hours after he'd called in your whereabouts.
Lamb looks at his watch. "31 hours, Mars. That's got to be a record for you."
His voice lacks its usual bite, and when you don't respond, he motions for Logan to pick you up and carry you to the car. It is Logan's huge yellow monstrosity, but now that you're back in his arms, he hands the keys to Lamb and climbs into the back, still cuddling you into him, stroking your hair and kissing your forehead periodically.
They stop at a diner for lunch, and Logan and Lamb take turns convincing you to take just one more tiny bite. By the time you finally just shake your head and lay down in Logan's lap, you have eaten less than half of your burger, and none of your fries, but you still feel so full you want to vomit, and you realize that this is probably the most you've eaten in weeks. Or maybe months. You're not sure what day it is, or how long it's been since Cassidy blew up your father.
They bundle you back to the car, and you make it 3 miles down the road before you speak for the first time since they got you back.
"I'm going to be sick," you whimper, and Lamb pulls over just in time for you to throw the door open and vomit until there's nothing left. And then you dry heave for several minutes while Logan holds back your hair and rubs soothing circles over your back. When you collapse, exhausted, against him, Lamb appears in front of you, pressing a bottle of water to your lips. You sip from the bottle, and when your stomach no longer feels like it's trying to jump out of your throat, the three of you continue on your way.
90909
You stop, several hours later, at another motel – slightly higher class than the one you'd stayed in – and Lamb helps you out of the Xterra and lets Logan carry you to bed. He, of course, has a separate room for himself, but for some reason, he lingers in yours, helping Logan take care of you.
When he leaves, Logan undresses you, and you cringe, not really wanting that right now, but willing to let him take it anyway. He sees and merely shoots you a sympathetic look before carrying you to the bathtub. He looks you over, and you know he's thinking you've gotten way too thin, but he has the grace not to say it. Instead he lightly traces your ribs with his thumb and kisses your forehead.
You'd forgotten what relief felt like, but you think that lying in bed with Logan spooned behind you again might be pretty darn close.
You still don't really sleep.
90909
You arrive back in Neptune, and it feels so unlike coming home that you want to cry. If only you had tears left. You feel like you're entering the lion's den, and when you see the Neptune city limits sign, you suddenly can't breathe.
But Logan holds you, and then the car stops, and he isn't the only one holding you. FindVeronica Co. has been using the Mars residence as its home base, and Wallace, Alicia, Mac, Weevil and his abuela, Leo, and Sachs are all there. It is dark out by the time you and your escorts arrive, and a glance at the clock tells you its past midnight. You are suddenly more exhausted than you ever remember being before in your life. Alicia sees your eyelids start to droop, and decides that it's time for bed, sending Leo and Sachs home. Lamb stays, and you still haven't figured out why he seems to suddenly care about you.
Logan helps you get ready, and instinctively, he knows what you need.
He carries you to your father's bed, and settles you under the covers, then holds you while you stare at the wall.
"Veronica, don't you ever do something like that again. Tomorrow I'm taking you to the doctor to get you something to help you sleep. And you will see a counselor. We can get through this. I'll be with you every step of the way."
"So will we," a voice says from the doorway, and you look up to see Alicia and her son standing there. Your eyes fill with tears and you sniffle, and at the sound, the pair crosses the room to comfort you. Suddenly you're sobbing, while Wallace and Logan hold you between them, and Alicia sits behind her son, reaching over to caress your hair. Your sobs bring Mac down to the room as well, and soon the room is filled with all the people who care about you, and everyone is a little teary-eyed, and everyone is helping hold you together even as you break apart.
Mac and Wallace fall asleep curled awkwardly around you and each other, then Alicia dozes off in the chair she's moved from the living room. Lamb has taken the chair that always sits at your father's desk, and Weevil has moved the extra mattress to the floor beside your father's bed for him and his grandmother.
Soon it is only you and Logan awake, and you are overwhelmed by a sudden wave of guilt and love and terror and something that just might be hope.
Fresh tears come to your eyes, and you sob into Logan's shoulder, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, I'm so so sorry." You can't stand that you didn't think they could be there for you; can't stand that you thought you had to run away.
But Logan kisses you softly, effectively shutting you up.
"Its okay, Veronica. Now sleep."
And finally, for the first time in two weeks (because Alicia told you it'd been that long), in a room surrounded by everyone who loves you, in a bed that smells like the only person missing from this equation, you do.