Ace: Ha ha, I'm back!

Zoey: Oh lord.

Ed: We're all screwed.

Zoey: Weren't you supposed to be waiting for a beta?

Ace: I got tired of waiting. Now, before anyone even starts to think about it, FLAMES WILL BE DEALT WITH THE SAME SEVERITY OF HAWKEYE WITH A PROCRASTINATING MUSTANG!

Zoey: Yeah, we get enough of those from Mustang. No more.

Ed: *sigh* Before they forget, time to do the disclaimer.

Disclaimer: Ace5980 does not own FullMetal Alchemist.

Ace: *sniffle* That just depresses me so much every time...

Zoey: Before you begin reading, this story contains major spoilers for the manga. If you haven't read up to around Ch104 or don't want to know what happens, you have been warned!

1: Not What Anyone Ever Expects

Zoey Morgan was, by the large, a rather unimpressive-looking girl in both her general looks and her specific appearance. In fact, her entire getup looked more eccentric than normal. Her hair, a nice pale white, hung to her shoulders, the bottom six inches dyed a dark black. She had a pair of bone wind chime bracelets on her wrists and the small silver line of a chain running inside her grey cut-off shirt underneath her emerald-green overcoat. Few people ever noticed the shiny silver chain attaching a dull metallic pocket watch, much the worse for its wear, to the waistband of her jean skort, but even if they did, no one understood its significance on the 18-year-old girl. She wouldn't have had it any other way.

As a result of her carefully cultivated image, Edward Elric was surprised to see her sitting on Roy Mustang's couch in his office as though it was the most natural thing in the world for her to be doing, her bare foot tapping as she scanned a personal letter, black leather gladiator sandals on the floor alongside her, and blatantly ignoring him. Without batting an eye or so much as glancing in his direction, she said, "Roy'll be back momentarily. In the meantime, you and your brother are welcome to converse amongst yourselves as though I don't exist."

Ed raised an eyebrow at her cocky behavior. "Who are you to be on a first name basis with our Furhur and how am I supposed to converse with my brother if he isn't even here?" he growled.

She shrugged. "Your problem, not mine," she said absently, never taking her blue-green eyes from the paper before her. "Roy's an old family friend." Edward made a few more attempts to get her to interact with him, but the only response he got was an irritated request to go screw himself and leave her the hell alone.

They looked up, the girl's gaze devoid of any but the mildest of interests, to see Roy laughing as his secretary and wife, Rize, guided the blind man to his chair, earning him a scowl from both of them. "Oh Zoey, you're always the eloquent one, aren't you?" he chuckled.

"Not amused, Roy, not amused in the least," she muttered, rolling up the paper and hitting him in the head with it lightly twice. "One of those was from Izzy."

He grinned in spite of himself. "Is she coming for a visit?"

"No, worse. She's coming down here soon to stay for a few weeks in my quarters and says that if I don't have at least one friend my own age and/or a boyfriend, she's gonna kill me so gruesomely I'll be no more than a hapless girl in the worst kind of gory ghost stories told around here."

Edward, having grown bored with all the idle chit-chat involving thinly veiled threats of murder, shouted, "WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY I WAS CALLED HERE?"

"Jeez, Fullmetal, calm down. It's not like we called you short."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK!" she yelled, smacking them both on the arm. "Now, use your inside voices."

Riza snorted at that, but she knew the fiery young woman would prove more than capable of managing both alchemists. Roy cleared his throat then, aware of the female's ticking patience, and jumped straight to the point. "Edward, since you no longer have a partner to keep you in check, I'm assigning you and Zoey to work together."

His jaw dropped. "You cannot be serious."

"But I am. Zoey Morgan has proved herself many times before."

Zoey smirked, buckling the straps on her sandals. "Better get used to me, shorty, 'cuz I'm not ready to have my watch taken."

"WHO ARE YOU-"

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT USING YOUR INSIDE VOICE?" Zoey screamed, smacking Ed upside the head.

"Okay, what the hell is this chic?" he demanded, rubbing the large red spot on his face.

"I'm the Cyclone Alchemist. Now, what's our mission this time, o great Flamer?"

"It's been three years since Father was defeated and I know it's been quite, but lately it's just been nagging at me that he probably had some kind of backup scheme up his sleeve."

"And it was Edward who stopped Father and the homunculi, not me. Why am I getting involved in this?"

"Because you're a sarcastic bitch," Ed muttered under his breath.

"Because you were the only State Alchemist of a high enough caliber that stood a chance to both keep an eye on Edward's more dangerous and stupid plans and stand a decent fighting chance against whatever the hell you two may find, which is a homunculus in the worst-case scenario and absolutely nothing in the best."

"... Fine. I'll do it."

Something moved deep in the deserted sewers around Father's old base. It let out a surprisingly human-like groan, attracting the attention of a random sewer rat. Its whiskers twitched, beady red eyes alighting with curiosity as it crept closer to the source of the noise, a small slug-like thing with legs and an absence of slime. The rat came to a stop a few feet away, some part of its tiny mind remembering the violence that had been a normal occurrence until a few years ago. Warily, for this was a far smarter rat than some of its brothers and sisters, it approached the thing.

Whatever the thing was, the slight scratching of the rat's dirty nails on the floor had alerted it to a presence that was not its own. However, sensing the rat's reluctance to come near it, it did not move as it thought panickedly, I'm supposed to be dead! I ended it all, I know I did! There's no way, absolutely no way I could have survived! Why am I here then? It slowly opened one violet eye to behold the greedy face of the rat. "Fuck off," it growled, "Leave me alone to die in peace."

The rat squeaked pathetically, darting back a few steps before its brain had processed the fact that it was not being pursued for its tasty flesh. More confident now, it sauntered back to the thing with almost a visual swagger in its step. It leaned over the thing, hungry eyes focusing on the seemingly vulnerable thing as it prepared to go for the kill.

Big mistake. When the rat lunged at it, it twisted away in an impossibly quick movement, sinking its miniscule teeth into the rat and, using its only defense mechanism, forcibly took control of the creature. Well, it thought, moving the rat's limbs in a quick systems check, it's not my favorite form I've ever taken, but it'll do until I can find a Stone. Hopefully, it won't take me too long to scrounge one up so I can go kill someone, with luck, that damned chibi. I don't need his fucking pity. All I need is myself.Thoughts of revenge pleasantly soaking through its mind, it commanded the rat's body to scurry around the various traps it knew were concealed about to protect the old hideout as it began wondering where to best obtain its prize. The homunculi's old quarters might have one or two, along with the inside of the cauldron Father used to deconstruct homunculi, but it guessed its best bet would be the hidden stash on the inside of Father's chair in the main room. As it slowly crept the rat closer to its goal, the thing couldn't help wondering what exactly awaited it inside.

Ace: Okay, for those of you who didn't catch on, the major changes to this fic are that it's post-series, deals more with Zoey than Izzy right now, and that Zoey is far more badass than before.

Ed: I hate you.

Ace: Aw, I love annoying you too, Eddie!

Ed: GAH! THE AUTHORESS IS COMPLETELY INSANE!

Zoey: INSIDE VOICE, FULLMETAL!

Ed: Reviewers get... cookies?

Ace: Yum, cookies.

Zoey: COOKIES IT IS THEN!