Jonah 1:17
One day, a man named Jonah was simply stroking his shaft, as you do, when God descended upon him. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" God questioned, "you have a wife to do that for you retard. Slap her on the arse and tell her pull on your pudding! What else do you think I made the WorkingMan, or WoMan for short, for?" Jonah looked puzzled and spoke back to the invisible voice, "I don't have a wife..." God sighed and took pity on the 37 year old, lonely virgin. "OK Jonah, I have an idea!" God shared, "go to the city of Nineveh and tell the people to stop being such ass-holes and to start worshipping me! Then you'll get respect and maybe even a wife... Capishe?" Jonah declined God's command as he knew that if he entered the city of Nineveh, he would leave with his arse hole looking like a stretched out knitted arm of a sweater and his stomach would be filled with sperm and other bodily fluids. So he ran away.
Jonah ran to the nearest whore house to escape God. He paid a few women his life's earnings to give him everything they got! So he ran to the basement of the house with them and began allowing them to do what ever they wanted to him. They brought a small rodent cage with them, so Jonah got a bit excited and creamed his pants before they even got to the sex dungeon. A woman was tickling his ball sack which made him smile... Whilst a few others were guiding rodents up his poop shoot. He engaged in conversation with one of the prostitutes. "Do you know of anywhere where I can run from the wrath of God?" Jonah said to the wise cock-munching slut. "Well.." The whore carried on, "I could tell you a place to go to escape your troubles..." Jonah was looking up to his optimum level and biting his lip as the desert vole nibbled on his prostate gland. He held in the pleasure and spoke back to her, "please, tell me of such a place!" The slut peered down at him, "I could tell you... But You seem weak... I can only tell those who are strong enough to know the truth." Jonah slapped the tickling fingers off his scrotum and yanked the mouse-like creature out of his shit-hole. "What do I have to do, to prove my strength?" Jonah asked. "Punch me!" The whore said, "punch me right here, in my stomach!" Without thinking, Jonah clentched his fist and thumped the woman's stomach. She was winded. "Oh shit! I'm so sorry!" Jonah said. "It's OK! Now I don't have to pay for that abortion..." The slag thanked, "So, I will tell you how to get away from God. Go to the dock at 7:30 tomorrow morning, there is a boat leaving to a different, great city. You will be free there!" Jonah shook her clitoris and ran home.
The next day. Jonah had all of his clothing packed and all of his bits 'n' bobs. He ran to the dock and saw the captain of the small boat. "Excuse me!" Jonah said, "may I board your ship?" The captain looked at him and said, "ofcourse, that'll be 67 quid plz.." Jonah looked baffled, he thought it would be for free, and he had spent all of his money on the hookers the night before. Jonah thought for a while but managed to persuade the captain with anal beads. Jonah hopped onto the small, wooden boat and ran to the lower deck and began to set up his bed. Other men boarded the boat also. There was Keith, the local homosexual catcher and beater and there was Stiffy, a man who had recently escaped from Nineveh prison after using plenty of laxatives to destroy the pope's shitter so that he could use it as his next nesting ground, so he wanted to get away forever. Stiffy had forgotten his bed and so, 'had' to share a bed with Jonah. It had got to 10:30 by the time they set off, and Jonah hadn't eaten breakfast yet! "Captain Rensel! Can we stop for food sooooon?" Jonah asked. The other men sighed, "no! We will stop later! We have only just set off and we are already behind schedual if we want to get to the play on time!" The captain shouted, steering the boat. "But I'm hungry nowwww!" Jonah winged. "Fuckin' hell..." Keith whispered to Stiffy. Jonah looked at the captain with big, wide eyes and quivvered his bottom lip. "Owwww... I can't say no to that!" The captain said, "fine, you get some fish for us!" Jonah cheered and clapped.
The boat had no fishing equipment, so they tied Jonah to a string that Stiffy's dog had, for some reason, shit out earlier. And then attached the other end to the boat. Jonah had to be dragged by the boat and scoop up fish with his pillow-case. Meanwhile, on the boat, the men had a strange, cold feeling resting on them, it was the presence of God. "Hey guys." God said to the men on the boat, "d'ya know what would be really funny?" The men listened. "OK wait for the storm to come!" God carried on, "Then cut the string keeping him afloat! 'Cos he really pissed me off before, k?" Stiffy giggled and they all agreed with God's decision.
A couple of hours passed and Jonah was still in the water, being pulled by the boat, with no fish in his pillow case. He had been in the water for so long that he looked like an unborn, wrinkley foetus. Speaking of feotuses, Keith had brought his wives' premature babies on board with him, so they passed the time by killing them and writing the first dead baby jokes. Stiffy was getting some inspiration for one of his jokes by breaking one of the foetus' jaws and sticking an anchor up its arse when captain Rensel saw the big storm, brewing on the horizon. "Stop what your doing men!" Rensel said to all, apart from Jonah, "Throw those babies over board and get to shelter!" God was watching from above, sniggering into his pillow so that his sick doings couldn't be heard by his wife. The storm rapidly came closer and Jonah noticed the movement of the ocean, and then the storm. "Oh shit!" Jonah yelped. He was screaming as loud as he could to attract the captain's attention. Rain smashed heavily on Jonah's head along with feotuses. He was screaming for a while as the sky became dark grey, and the waves reached as high as 30 feet. Through the thick cover of rain over his eyes, Jonah saw the captain, leaning over the bow of the boat. "So long prick!" The captain shouted. "Why?" Jonah screamed whilst getting pummelled by foetuses. Blood was dripping over his face, yet he could see the silouette of the captain using his boat key to cut the rope. Jonah drifted from the boat, and before he knew it, he was in a dark hole, alone.
An exteremely loud noise rumbled Jonah's body until he woke. He shuffled about the pitch black hole. It was wet, and smelt of fish. Was he in his mother's vagina? He thought so anyway. He thought that he had died and reincarnated into his baby self, unborn. Then, he was slightly dissapointed to realise that he wasn't inside his mother, but inside something similar, a whale. He would still have to live his shitty life. It took him a while to come to this conclusion as the whale had a large tongue which he thought was his mother's clitoris, an extremely large opening at its mouth (she was a prostitute back in Nineveh, so it kind of explains itself), a few skeletons (she had many abortions, but her clients liked the feel of rotting corpses on their penises), a hole at the roof of the mouth which he thought was his mother's piercing hole that she got done on her fanny flaps and bristles at the opening, which was a give away because part of her strip act was to allow a member of the audience to tear out her pubes with their teeth, and then after a while, they stopped growing, so she became depressed and started eating shit loads of food, they nick-named her Goliath. Jonah hadn't seen his mother in ages, or his friends. Even when he wasn't alone in the whale, but when he was in his house masturbating. After a while, Jonah started to appreciate the things he had and what is wrong at right in God's eyes. He gradually became a better person.
Jonah was in the whale for three days and three nights. He managed to live because he ate the bits of fish, filtered through the whale's teeth and drank the blood from the passing by bodies. He swam out of the whale when it began to fall down into the abyss as it had died and allowed Jonah to climb out of its non-locked jaws and swim to the surface. He was picked up by God and placed outside the city of Nineveh. Jonah thanked God for not allowing him to drown. "Now Jonah, I was the one who told the men to cut the rope, I was the one who placed a storm on you, and I was the one who told the whale to spit you out. All I want to know is, did you learn your lesson about not obeying Hitle- err God?" Jonah looked up at him and sighed, "I geuss so... But the whale didn't actually spit me out... I had plenty of time to pleasure myself when I was in there, so I kinda' used its blowhole if you catch my drift... So much so that it couldn't breathe because my dry jizz had clogged its breathing system :S" God looked at him, not impressed and said once again; "go to the city of Nineveh and tell the people to stop being such ass-holes and to start worshipping me!" Jonah looked in disbelief, "will I fuck!" Jonah said, "you fucking set a storm on me and forced me to eat rotting fish! You have one hell of a fucking mouth on you God." And he stormed off. But, what he didn't know was that God had special powers, from when he was on a NASA mission with his buddies, and he got hit by a solar wave. So, God used his mind to throw Jonah's limp body into Nineveh. "OK!" Jonah shouted, "I'll fo whatever you say you nasty dick-hole, fuck ssquare-go like!" Jonah ran to the tallest tower of Nineveh.
"People of Nineveh!" Jonah bellowed, "God has told me that you should start behaving like the good Jews you are and to start worshipping God 'n' shit!" All eyes turned on him, waiting for more. Jonah stood awkwardly on the tower waiting for God's advise. Meanwhile, God was starting to get frisky with his wife, but then he realised that he had to guide Jonah, "oh shit! I forgot about that guy doing that favour for me! Oh man, he's probably been raped more times than Joseph Fritzl's daughter by now! Quick woman! Pull this fucking hamster out my backside!" And when she had, Gos rushed to Nineveh to guide Jonah. Jonah felt his presense beside him, but still said nothing whilst God was whispering what would happen if they didn't do as they were asked. "Tell them, that, errr, a-a flood will come if they don't sort their fucking acts together in... Forty days!" God whispered to Jonah. "OK," Jonah said, "but why is it always forty days?" "Never mind that, now say it!" God told Jonah. "God has spoken! He says that if you don't clean up your act! Your city will be destroyed by a flood in forty days!" Jonah warned the citizens. A moment passed by and it seemed that they were mocking Jonah. They were sniggering and hiding laughter with coughs. God was ashamed and shouted so much that you could hear his voice echo through the skies, "this is God you dosy lip dick fucks! If you don't do as I say I will blow your city to smitherenes and don't think about moving cities before the end of the forty days is up because I will come to your house and I will cut you. I will cut you so fast... S-so do as I say Ok! Now get on your knees you meer growths on the side of my left ball!" Immediatly, the people got on their knees and prayed for forgiveness. At the end of the day, God looked upon Nineveh and smiled. But one thing had not happened... Jonah was still a pathetic loser
and didn't get any woman to even touch him. So, God felt sorry for him and fished something for him. It was a whale! But not just any whale, it was the dead whale! So, for the rest of his days, Jonah pleasured himself with a whale carcus. This story has taught us alot; Always listen to god, and that God's left bollock is the world... Sleep well children!