Written in 2017.
All rights reserved. Except for reviewers quoting brief passages in a review, no part of this work may be reproduced without permission of the author.
Some characters and events in this story are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
First Edition
Acknowledgments
Very special thanks to Hanna-Barbera for the Laff-A-Lympics show and characters contained therein.
Also, thanks to the International Olympic Committee for the Olympic Games that serve as the basis for this story.
I used both OpenOffice Calc and the website random·org to generate the various random numbers used to determine the random events throughout this story.
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Preface
Having enjoyed writing my previous Laff-A-Lympics story. I decided to write another one to be posted on or around the Winter 2018 Olympic Games. Similar to the original show, my second season will also be shorter. However, I hope this story will be as entertaining as its predecessor. I will once again use a modern-day setting, so expect more mock social media posts after every competition.
For anyone that hasn't read The Global Games, I use random numbers to help determine each event's outcome. This eliminates any biases I may have, and it challenges me to come up with a plausible sequence of events leading to the selected outcome.
Additionally, I'll continue using all italics to represent the off-screen announcer's commentary. This eliminates the need to clutter up the story with direct quotes for his parts.
For this season of competition, teams will be ranked first by points, then by their competition finishes. For example, two second place finishes would be better than one second place and one third place finish. If that somehow doesn't break the tie, I will decide what additional criteria to use and announce it if and only if it's necessary.
Finally, my intentions are to be as original as possible with events and venues. Because the possibilities for each are finite, there may be some similarities to events and venues appearing in both The Global Games and the original show. Be assured, however, I will try to keep such repetition to a minimum.
"Heavens to hi-jinks! Is it really that time again?" Snagglepuss asked.
Indeed, it is, Snagglepuss. It's time for another exciting season of Laff-A-Lympics.
"Follow our all-star teams and their crazy competitions in the colonial states of the USA. Join the Yogi Yahooeys, the Scooby Doobies, and the Really Rottens as they experience history or go down in infamy. So, lets get started and begin, even!"
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Welcome, sport fans one and all, to the start of a spectacular season of Laff-A-Lympics. Appropriately enough, we start our new season in New Hampshire. From there, we wrap things up in Massachusetts—including an event at Cape Cod.
"Hmm, me have cape, too," Captain Caveman interjected.
Right. Well, our teams are eager to get started, so let's go to Snagglepuss and Mildew Wolf who are ready to tell us more about the inaugural event.
"Snag, I don't know how you do it, but you always manage to talk me out of retirement to help you serve these savages," Mildew stated.
"We're so inseparable, Mildew. Like two peas in a pod... like oil and vinegar, even."
"I'm going to regret this, aren't I?"
"Don't say that, Mildew. Every time we do these games, it's always a unique experience—a one of a kind adventure, even."
"I have to admit you're right. Oh, that reminds me. The Yogis' roster has more players than either of their opponents' roster. So, each day, they will be sitting three of their players to make things more even. Today, those players will be Cindy, Mr. Jinks, and Quick Draw McGraw."
"Will it make a difference? Let's find out with our first event. Earlier, our teams were asked to make their own rowboats. Let's see who will be rowing, and what they made, for our boat race in Laconia's Paugus Bay."
"I see I have the honors of introducing the teams again," Mildew stated. "I can hardly wait. First, let's check in with the Yogis. It looks like team captains will race with a teammate because Yogi and Doggie Daddy will race in their Styrofoam rowboat. Gentlemen, maybe I missed something, but I thought teams were going to be Eco-friendly with this event."
"Well, Mildew," Doggie Daddy replied, "we didn't have much time, so we used the first thing that we found that could float."
"That actually makes sense. Maybe things will be different this season. Over here, we have the Scoobies. And they have quite the duo competing with captain Scooby Doo and his kooky cousin, Scooby Dun."
"Dum dum dum dum!" Scooby Dum sang.
"I'm beginning to think that, myself. But your recycled wood boat with cardboard and carpet is quite impressive—let's hope it floats."
Scooby Doo chuckled at Mildew's comments.
Over here, we have the Rottens. Mumbly and Mrs. Creepley appear to be using a vintage bathtub? Are they planning to clean up their act?"
"Of course not, dah-ling," Mrs. Creepley answered. "We had this sitting around doing nothing, so I thought we'd put it to good use. Besides, it's a good swimmer."
"Bathtubs swim?" Mildew asked in disbelief.
"See the legs on it? It could paddle itself if it wanted to, but we have to do it, no thanks to your silly rules."
"I'm not sure what's stranger, these events or the people entering them."
As our teams prepare to launch their ships, we remind our fans that first place will receive the customary 25 points. We'll also award 15 for second and ten for third. Cheating is subject to penalties, and the leader after four events wins the highly-acclaimed and ever-sought Laff-A-Lympics Gold Medal.
All teams and assembled spectators cheered.
After the sound of a foghorn and chain, Snagglepuss said, "If that's not my stomach from today's seafood delight, it's probably the starting signal. So, sail on!"
And our teams are off. The Rottens get the quick start out of the gate as Mumbly and Mrs. Creepley row their bathtub boat. The Scoobies settle into second place with their recycled rowboat. Meanwhile, the Yogis are back in the pack.
The camera zoomed in on Yogi and Doggie Daddy bouncing along with the waves in their Styrofoam boat.
"I think we're a little too light, and that doesn't seem right," Yogi said.
"Don't worry, Yogi," Doggie replied, pulling out his smart phone. "I have just the thing to help us out."
Although the boat stopped bouncing as much, making it easier for Yogi to roll, the sounds coming from the phone annoyed him.
"That noise sure annoys me. What is it?"
"The solution to our problems, Yogi. It's heavy metal."
Yogi shook his head in disbelief.
As we check the leaders, the Rottens have moved into a big lead over the Scoobies. What's this? The Rottens are playing cards? Why would they do that?
"Pshaw! We're in the lead so we can afford to take it easy. Those goody goods don't stand a chance against us," Mrs. Creepley answered. "Right, Mumbly?"
Mumbly snickered in reply.
But what are you playing?
"Bathtub gin—what else?"
Before anyone could react, Mumbly laid down the rest of his cards and snickered. Mrs. Creepley gnashed her teeth upon seeing Mumbly win the hand.
As we reach the final straightaway, the Yogis are just behind the Scoobies who have narrowed the gap with the Rottens. As shocking as this is to say, the Rottens have made no attempts at cheating, and it looks like they may actually win.
"Don't look now, kids, this isn't a pretty sight," Mrs. Creepley said.
Mumbly whined and pointed.
"What now? What..."
Mrs. Creepley's question ended abruptly as their bathtub collided with a buoy marking the course. Their bathtub boat spun around from the impact, allowing the other teams to pass them.
"Oh boy, I didn't expect that," she deadpanned. "OK, you beastly bathtub. Start swimming. We need to catch back up!"
As we reach the finish line, the Scoobies finish just half a boat length ahead of the Yogis. The all-Scooby squad actually won.
"Scooby Dooby Do!" Scooby called out.
"Dum Dum Dum Dum," his cousin added.
Despite their frantic efforts, the Rottens finish third. So, let's check the early scoreboard. The Scoobies get 25 points for first and the lead. The Yogis get 15 for their close, second-place finish. And the Rottens settle for ten points.
Some Rottens howled and catcalled in disgust.
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"Snag, I have to confess that wasn't so bad," Mildew said. "Do you think every event will be like that?"
"If only, Mildew. If only," Snagglepuss answered. "We're now in Concord, and our next event is one of skill—an old carnival favorite, even. Our teams will have one player toss three balls to see how many land inside a milk jug."
"No fair clowning around guys."
"Remember, leave the puns to a professional. Let's meet our players. We have Huck Hound for the Yogis."
"I've been told I have perfect pitch. Let's see if that's true today," Huck told Snagglepuss.
"We'll see. Indeed, we will. Next, for the Scoobies, we have that terrific Teen Angel—Taffy Dare."
"I've never done anything like this before. I hope it's fun."
"We'll see if you feel that way after the event. Finally, for the Rottens, we have the diminutive Dirty Dalton."
"I may be tiny, but I'm big enough to compete with anyone here. You'll see!" Dirty exclaimed.
Elsewhere, Dread Baron and Mumbly hatched their latest scheme.
"When Dirty takes his turn, nobody will know we replaced the softballs with these hollowed out kiddie balls that are lighter and easier to throw," Dread stated.
Mumbly pointed and snickered.
Each team will receive their points based on how many balls they successful toss into its jug. In the event of a tie, teams will receive equal points. First up, we have Huckleberry Hound for the Yogis.
As Huck's first toss overshot the jug, he shrugged his shoulder and said, "I guess I don't have perfect pitch, huh?"
Undaunted, he managed to score his next two tosses.
Next, we have Taffy for the Scoobies.
Taffy looked at the jug and carefully tossed her first ball. To her surprise, it entered, drawing cheers from both her teammates and Taffy herself.
She then proceeded to score her next two tosses, although the last one looked as if it may bounce off the lip of the jug.
Taffy has seemingly earned the top spot, but Dirty Dalton now has a chance to tie for the Rottens.
Dirty attempted his first toss only to see the ball sail well past the jug.
"Hmm, I guess I don't know my own strength," he remarked.
In making his second toss, his softer throw came up well short of the jug.
"Now I look like a wimp. I have to score at least one here."
Dirty's third and final attempt looked as if it might score, but it bounced off the jug and away from it.
The Rottens have rotten luck and have no score for this event.
"You, know, something doesn't seem right here. Can we get a review?" Mildew asked.
Of course, we can. As we review footage on our hidden internet cameras, we see the Rottens attempting to cheat with less-than-regulation softballs! The Rottens cheated."
"That was a rotten thing to do!" Dynomutt exclaimed.
The Rottens will have their third place finish voided and they'll be disqualified.
All the Rottens booed in disgust.
Let's check the scores heading into our break. The Scoobies earned 25 points. They move up to 50. The Yogis' 15 points for second doubles their score at 30. And, the Rottens get no points, leaving them stuck in the cellar at 10.
"Well, Mildew, that wasn't too bad, was it?" Snagglepuss asked.
"I suppose not," Mildew conceded. "Some things never change... but I hope my bad luck from past seasons is something that does."
"All we can do is hope as we journey to our next destination."
Join us for the second half of Laff-A-Lympics right after this.
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Welcome to the second half of our all-star Laff-A-Lympics competition. We're here in marvelous Massachusetts where we'll race between Lexington and Concord and conclude the with a bang as we fire colonial-style muskets.
When we finished the first half, the Scoobies led with 50 points, followed by the Yogis with 30, and the Rottens with 10.
Everyone is ready to continue, so let's return to Mildew and Snagglepuss.
"Thanks," Mildew said. "As part of our salute to America history, our teams will participate in a horse race covering the 18 miles [29 km] between Lexington and Concord."
"That's not all," Snagglepuss added. "For our remaining events, we're pleased to have a special guest judge—Paul Revere himself."
"Thank you having me," Paul replied. "I find the idea of this competition rather intriguing, but I'm happy to assist you in your endeavors."
"Why don't you tell everyone about the race."
"There's not much to say, strange fellow. The first person to arrive in Concord will win your race. But the best part is we won't have to worry about any regulars."
"Just the Rottens," Mildew interjected.
"Fear not, I'll be vigilant as you requested and inform you of any dishonorable gamesmanship."
"Well, here's the part where I have to introduce our racers. We have Hokey Wolf riding a tricycle."
"Thanks, Mildew. Us wolves are known for roaming long distances, so I hope I have a chance," Hokey told the audience.
"That makes sense. Next, it looks like we have Captain Caveman and a boulder wheel. I swear I've seen that somewhere before. But it's so prehistorically simple, it might actually work."
Captain Caveman grunted and finally said, "This way me roll."
"I always wondered if he has rocks in his head. Oh, no! For the Rottens, it's going to be the Great Fondoo with a motor scooter."
"I look forward to showing you what I can do, Mildew," Fondoo stated, adding a devious grin.
The Magic Rabbit popped out of Fondoo's hat and said, "Brack!"
"Gather around, so you can hear the rules," Paul Revere told the racers. "All you have to do is finish first and you'll win whatever prize is customary. But be aware, we'll be watching for any tomfoolery."
As usual, the Rottens groaned and catcalled. The complaints didn't last long, however. The bugle call signaling the start of the race sounded.
And our teams are off. Captain Caveman has rolled off to the early lead, but I'm sure it won't be all smooth sailing.
Captain Caveman growled and said, "Me not have boat!"
It's only an expression. Behind him, Hokey and Fondoo are neck and neck—or is it neck and snout—as they battle for second place.
Fondoo gestured and said, "Observe. I'll make Hokey all slow pokey. Alla kazam, alla kazout. Slow down Hokey from tail to snout!"
A puff of smoke appeared, but Hokey briefly passed Fondoo.
"What went wrong this time?" Fondoo asked.
"What happened is your magic failed again. Not only did you speed Hokey up, you gave him an in-race snack."
As we look at Hokey, he moves into second place—and he has a trout stuck in his mouth!
Removing it, Hokey replied, "I thought something was fishy." He then continued to pedal his tricycle.
Ladies and gentleman, we've fast forwarded to the last portion of the race for time constraints. In an unexpected turn of events, Captain Caveman had a mishap, costing him the lead. He's now battling for second place with Hokey as Fondoo has somehow taken over the lead without cheating.
"That's because his magic isn't cheating. It's so awful it only cheats himself and that savage rabbit of his," Mildew muttered.
Captain Caveman has taken the lead over Hokey for second and he's closing in on Fondoo. This is going to be an amazing finish. Fondoo spots Cavey trying to win and tries to stretch his hand out towards the finish line. Now, Captain Caveman grabs his club and tries to extend it past Fondoo.
There's the finish, but I have no idea who won! Both teams are cheering as if they won, but that can't be the case, can it? Do we have a tie?
"Thankfully, we have our finish line video to answer the question for us," Snagglepuss stated.
Right you are, Snagglepuss. Let's review the finish in slow motion. As we zoom in, we see Fondoo breaks the plane of the finish line just three hundredths of a second ahead of Captain Caveman. That gives the Rottens first place.
"Brack!" the Magic Rabbit exclaimed joyously.
Captain Caveman responded by whacking his boulder with his club, shattering it into smaller pieces.
"Uhh... better luck next time," he said.
Let's check out the updated scores. The Rottens amazingly get 25 points and have 35 now. The Scoobies get 15 points for their close second place finish. They move up to 65. Finally, the Yogis get 10 points for last, giving them 40.
"That was a jolly show. Nobody did anything bad, but that winner better avoid Salem. I hear they don't take kindly to his kind there," Paul Revere said.
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"I'm almost sad this is the last event—almost," Mildew told the audience. "But, we're here at Cape Cod for our final event. Paul Revere has worked with our teams to teach them how to fire muskets. We'll see how well they paid attention."
"That's right," Snagglepuss added. "And with so much on the line, and in the line of fire, we're going to double the points."
Both team members and those in attendance cheered loudly.
"I did my part. The rest is up to them," Paul stated.
"For the Yogis, we have Boo Boo Bear."
"I sure wish Quick Draw was playing today, Yogi," Boo Boo said.
"Nonsense, you'll be just fine," Yogi assured his teammate. "Maybe you can shoot better than the average bear."
"For the Scoobies, we have Hong Kong Phooey," Mildew told everyone.
Hong Kong brandished his musket as he made unintelligible comments.
"And for the Rottens, we have Daisy Mayhem? I thought for sure one of the Daltons would be doing this one."
"Oh pshaw, Mildew!" Daisy exclaimed. "Just because I'm a hillbilly doesn't mean I can't shoot one of these things. I was born with a silver gun in my hand."
Mildew, seeing Daisy point the musket briefly towards him, took off and said, "Exit, stage anywhere!"
"That's my line!" Snagglepuss called out. "Each team will shoot towards a bulls-eye. The inner circle is five points. The next ring is three. The outer ring is one. Missing the target is a big goose egg... zero even. Whomever has the most points after five shots wins the points."
As mentioned, the points will be doubled for this event. Of course, that means we double the penalties for cheating too.
"Just once, I wish people would look at the goody-goods when he says that," Dread Baron lamented. They've been caught cheating, too."
All teams will fire their muskets when given the signal. We'll tally up their shots and determine the event and overall winners. Good luck, everybody.
At the sound of a fife and drum, Boo Boo, Hong Kong, and Daisy began to fire their muskets. Because the event wasn't timed, each team took time to carefully and properly reload their muskets between shots.
With the smoke cleared, let's see how each team did.
"Boo Boo hit the bulls-eye twice and the outer ring once. That's good for seven points," Snagglepuss informed everyone.
The rest of the Yogis cheered the announcement.
"Hong Kong should stick to martial arts. He only hit the bulls-eye once and the other ring once. He missed three times, but it looks like one shot missed the board completely. That gives the Scoobies four points."
Hong Kong made karate chops as the rest of his teammates applauded.
Mildew took a deep breath. "Believe it or not, the Rottens scored all five of their shots. I guess Miss Daisy really is a skilled shooter. She hit the outer ring three times and the middle ring twice. That gives her seven points, too. That's a tie, but is it legit?"
Before anyone else asks, let's review the tape. As we see, all three contestants were so focused on their shooting, nobody even tried to cheat. There you have it, Mildew, a clean performance by the Rottens."
"We may be Rottens, but we're not dirty! We bathe before every competition!" Daisy exclaimed.
"Speak for yourself. I'm Dirty and proud of it," Dirty Dalton interjected.
"Oh, boy. I knew something like this would happen," Mildew groaned. "Let's get the final scores so we can call it a day."
Both the Rottens and the Yogis receive 50 points for their first-place tie. That gives them 85 and 90 respectively. The Scoobies receive 30 points for second, giving them 95. The tie helped them as they manage to get just enough points to win the gold!
Scooby and the rest of his teammates cheered the news. Even the Rottens, despite finishing in last place, appeared pleased.
Paul Revere presented the medals to the Blue Falcon,Yakky Doodle, and Orful Octopus respectively. In addition, he gave the Blue Falcon a small, handmade silver gift to commemorate the occasion.
"Well, Mildew, that wasn't too painful was it?" Snagglepuss asked.
"I've seen better, but I've also seen much worse."
"We'll see if things improve next time as we continue our colonial competitions."
As we leave you from Cape Cod, Massachusetts, we invite you to join us next time for another exciting day of competition with the Laff-A-Lympics Colonial Challenge.
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Mock Social Media Posts
Official LAL Bogus Chirper Feed: The Scoobies narrowly win our first #LaffALympics event of the season. Rottens just 10 points out of first.
Scoobies FacePlace Account: The Blue Falcon accepts our gold medal as we edge the Yogis, 95-90, and the Rottens, 95-85. Let's hope we can keep winning.
Rottens Stumbler Account: We tried, we cheated, we even won an event. And we only lost by ten points. Like us, reblog us, and send us inquiries. We'll get second place next time, even if we have to cheat in every single event!
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Overall Standings
Scooby Doobies, 95
Yogi Yahooeys, 90
Really Rottens, 85