Blizzard

by peetz5050

This is just a looney fever dream I thought I'd write out for fun.

Blizzard

Part 1 – The hackneyed set up scenario

"Alright, yes I am grumpy, thank you." Daria replied to Jane's mild criticism. "But so would you be if you'd flown home for Thanksgiving to see your family all together for the first time in years and no one is home! Mom and Dad can't get a flight back from that retreat place in Maine, you're grounded in New York and Quinn has gone over to Stacy's to try and cheer her up after her marriage finally imploded. I wouldn't mind so much but it's not even snowing much here I just have no place to go! Dammit!" She added as an afterthought.

The problem was, and it had taken her far too long to figure this one out, the problem was that when she and Jane were in the same room they could sit for hours without speaking, each painting or typing or thinking, and never utter a word and yet knew each and every detail of the other's life. But when they tried to FaceTime or Skype or just phone they seemed to lapse into these awkward silences that just dragged on and on. Both women were physically alone at the moment, Daria in her parent's house in Lawndale and Jane snowed into her loft in New York. Both were also 'between boyfriends' which had filled up the first twenty minutes of the Skype call with a pleasant bitching session but now they were reduced to… what?

"Listen Daria do you wanna go read or watch a movie or something while I go and take an axe to my creative block?" Jane crooked an eyebrow at her quizzically from the screen of Daria's iMac.

"Nah, let's DO something, hey how about a game? Remember we used to play those video games back in Boston when we didn't have any money to go out?" Daria asked.

"What? Cannibal Zombie Fragfest? Or…?"

"No, the other one, the online RPG, what the hell was it called?"

"Ehhh… the angels and demons and barbarians thing?" Jane asked doubtfully. "Do you still have an account cos I'm damn sure I've forgotten whatever login I had back then."

"We could just get new accounts, it's forty bucks or something, I think we can both afford it and I read somewhere they've got voice chat working so we can talk as we play, look if you don't…"

"Nah, you're right, I'd try anything tonight because if I watch anymore bad TV I'm gonna pull an Elvis and shoot the damn thing! Lemme go create an account and you do the same and I'll send you an invite. K?"

Daria smiled wryly at her friend and shrugged then quoted a trailer for a TV show they both liked "Let's engage! Talk to ya in a bit."

Being meticulous, 'Alright anal, okay I'm anal about keeping notes', Daria quickly reactivated her account. She had actually purchased this new version of the game when it came out but never played beyond the first Act or whatever so she deleted her old character and created a new hero from her favorite type – wizard of course, although she'd always been more attracted to the more romantic sounding 'Sorceress' from the previous iteration of the game. Then she waited…

Then she went and made herself coffee and a sandwich and waited some more.

Then she added cushions to her computer chair and wrapped herself in a comforter and curled up and waited some more…

Part 2 – What could pass for lucidity in a favorable light.

Woodsmoke. That is definitely woodsmoke. Memories of camping trips and her dad's crazy experiments with foraging flooded her mind. Shaking it off she took in her surroundings. She was standing at dusk in some rustic unpaved laneway on a hill overlooking a town. It looked European and old with a mix of wood and stone and occasional red brick, the roofs slate or thatch, smoke curled from the chimney of a large inn.

The town was protected by a wall but the lane she was on seemed to curve toward the town as it descended so logically there must be a gate somewhere. On a hill in the distance an old stone church was burning or at least parts of it were and there was a huge hole in its roof. That was when Daria noticed she wasn't wearing her glasses but she could see perfectly. Ah, so it was one of those dreams, usually she only lucid dreamed after too much wine and rich food. Hmm.

Walking up and down the hills of San Francisco kept Daria slim and trim but looking at her arms and thighs she noticed she was… not muscular but toned, she certainly felt like she had a lot of energy now I wonder if…

She flicked her wrist and a wand appeared in her hand as if by… let's face it, it is magic. "Yer a wizard, Darry! Thanks Hagrid, am I eleven too?" She glanced down, cleavage? Nope, not eleven.

'What is…?' From further down the lane in the gathering gloom she heard the clash of steel, grunts, growls and shouting. She should run but… toward the noise or away? Then there came the distinctive sound of a woman crying out in pain and that galvanised her into action. She hadn't run very far when she came upon three zombies eating a corpse. Three. Blue. Zombies. Eating. A. Corpse.

She was till trying to get her head around this revolting sight when one of the creatures noticed her , lurched to its feet and came at her, it's mouth a gaping maw of blood and rotting teeth. Even at several yards the stench of the thing was unbelievable!

Without thinking she aimed her wand and blasted it between the eyes. That knocked it back but it was still moving, a second blast blew it into pieces. By that time the other two were advancing on her. She was aware of a second option available to her and joined her hands and pushed out. The force she emitted was effective and destroyed the creatures in a few seconds but afterwards she nearly passed out from weakness. 'Okay,' she thought to herself, 'hold that back for when you really need it!'

After a few seconds she felt her strength returning and continued down the lane, this time with more caution. As she rounded the bend she came across a fight, two women, both tall slim and athletic, one very pale with bleached white hair and the other dark skinned. Both were wearing what amounted to little more than a bikini. Both were struggling with a large group of the blue zombie creatures, some of these extremely large and stronger than the others.

The white haired woman spotted her and yelled "About time! Do something dammit! They're killin' us here!"

Daria found it was most effective to zap continuously with the wand and occasionally intersperse that with a couple of seconds of her power blast. She noticed the other two do something similar, the black woman fought with an evil looking dagger which she didn't so much throw as it flew from her hand, pierced an enemy and flew back to her grasp. The white haired woman had what looked like a sharp edged knuckle duster, she could move extremely fast and every so often spun a roundhouse kick that knocked a zombies head clean off.

The fight went on and on. And on. And then it was over. Daria sat down heavily on the bank of the ditch to get her breath back. She saw the other women bending down to pick up things she couldn't see but walking by and literally through some gold coins and a pair of gauntlets. Curious, Daria went over and picked up these items herself. The gloves were reinforced leather, she checked inside for dirt (or fingers) and put them on, they fit perfectly. She put the six gold coins in a pouch on her belt.

"What did you score?" The white haired woman asked as she came over. "Oh and thanks for helping out, I think we were in trouble there, these guys were plenty tough!" She added. Daria watched in awe as the wounds on the woman's arms healed into scars then faded away completely. The woman looked where she was looking. "Yeah, forgot I had a potion, and I was nearly dying there for a bit. I'm Laaney, by the way."

Daria had gotten over the shock of recognising the voice. "Hi Laaney Jane, I'm Daharia, the wize ass."

"Daria! What are you doing in my dream? Wearing that?"

"What? I'm hardly wearing anything!"

"Exactly, well, glad you're here, my dusky friend over here doesn't talk much."

"Of all the dreams in all the games in all the world, you two hadda walk into mine." The dusky friend responded as she joined them. "Got some boots but what I really want is a pair of pants, it's a bit draughty up under there if you know what I mean."

"JODIE?" Daria and Jane Exclaimed in unison.

"JohDeh thanks, I'm a witch doctor you know which mean I can cure witches, what are your symptoms?"

"Prrrrrbbbbttt!" Jane responded. "God, I haven't seen you since…. when was it?"

"That time in Boston, though you were really drunk at the time."

"Oh… yeah… did I hit on you or something?"

"Me, my date, the bartender, the wooden indian, random strangers, homeless people…."

"Yeah right, I know, good times, good times, so what are ya up to now?"

"Well me and Rob left the hospital and started our own clinic, he's general medicine and I'm paediatric. The money isn't as great and it's a lot of work but it lets us stay close to home and have a life, you know? Especially with his two young kids. I'm kinda hoping to have time to have one myself next year." She added shyly.

"Way to go Jodie, you'll be a great mom." Daria assured her and Jane nodded. "Shouldn't we be moving on. It's getting dark." She added.

"I already am a Mom" Jodie responded. "It was tough at first, with the step kids still trying to get over their mom dying, by all accounts the woman was a saint! But we're getting there. Anyway, maybe we should wait for those two." She said, pointing back up the lane where two women, one large and one short, were walking towards them.

As they got nearer Daria's perspective changed and she realised the second woman was actually quite tall and heavily built, with shoulder length white hair, though she wasn't old, and carrying a wicked looking flail and a shield. the other woman was simply huge. At least seven feet tall wearing a fur bikini and carrying an axe and a wooden shield. Her dark red hair was done up in braids and Daria was reminded of Obelix from the old Asterix the Gaul comics.

The two stopped a few paces away and the shorter one stepped forward. "Eh, hail or whatever, we are adventurers and we came looking for whatever hit the churchy place over there."

This voice was also all too familiar to Daria. "Quinn! What on earth are you doing here?"

"EEEP! Daria? How did you…? I mean gawd Daria isn't it a bit lame for a woman your age to be playing video games?"

Daria gave her a look then pointed at herself then at Quinn. "Pot, kettle."

"Watch it." Jodie interrupted with a warning tone. "Look can we all just go to the town down there. I'm pretty sure I saw a bar and I don't know about you bitches but I need a drink!"

"Right Jodie but first Quinn, aren't you gonna introduce us to Bigfoot?" Daria indicated the large woman who had been hanging back diffidently.

"This is Nastazia, the barbarian." Quinn responded. "She really wanted to bash some heads in tonight, any volunteers?"

"Nasta… Nasty Stacy? Are you shitting me?"

Quinn stepped forward right into Daria's face and in a low but clear whisper she snarled. "Yes, Stacy. And her husband just ran off with a skinny little skank from his office and left Stacy seven months pregnant calling her a whale on his way outta the door and we needed to blow off steam and we couldn't go out cos o' the snow and she wanted to do something violent and if I had hadda listened to her go over her whole marriage one more time I woulda killed someone in the real world for real so back, the hell, OFF! Sis!"

Daria blinked. "A drink sounds good." The others murmured their approval and the party headed on down the lane toward the town gate.

Following more unpleasantness involving the unquiet dead they were granted admission to the town and told to ask for someone named Leah at the inn.

Part 3 - the Inn of the Sixth Happy Girl

The street was packed with refugees trying to stake their claim to any bit of space to set up house. Grim faced men and frightened children told the tale. This might have been a dream or a game but to these townsfolk it was a reality. Guardsmen under the command of a prissy looking officer were throwing bodies and bits of bodies onto a huge bonfire.

Through all this merchants hawked their wares, dogs barked and horses whinnied and everything, everything smelled of manure and urine and smoke and body odour.

"I'll tell you what." Jane murmured following Stacy as she cut a swath through the throng. "You can keep your medieval, roll on the Renaissance and indoor toilets!"

"Amen Sister!"

Ahead of them a woman wearing a bustier, short shorts and high heeled thigh high boots entered the tavern.

Stacy turned to Quinn. "Oh my god! OH MY GOD! Quinn! Did you see those boots?! I want a pair of those, maybe I shoulda been a Demon Hunter instead, is it too late to change? Whaddya think? Quinn?"

Daria couldn't help but smile at the girlish enthusiasm displayed by a woman built like a brick outhouse. "Yep, that's Stacy."

They entered the common room and saw the woman talking to a girl of eighteen or nineteen years old beside the bar. The room was fairly full and along one wall several sick or dying people were lying or sitting, some moaning, some quiet, one or two quite obviously dead.

Suddenly the barman shouted. "LOOK OUT, the dead are turning!"

Daria then saw several of the sick changing and in a thought her wand was in her hand but Jane was quicker. In a blink she was in the centre of the group and had already removed one head. Quinn readied her flail but with a shrill battle cry Stacy leapt five feet into the air and landed on the group, lashing about wildly with axe and shield. She was still bashing the floor when all the zombies were destroyed and it took her a while to figure out there was no one left to fight.

"That girl has issues." Jodie murmured from behind Daria. Daria nodded.

The woman who had come in before them had finished talking to Leah and lounged back onto a bench with her feet up on one of the trestle tables. The girl still stood by the bar ready to repeat her spiel to the next group of adventurers to walk in so Daria ignored her and walked up to the and rapped on the wood with her knuckles.

"This is really bad for business." The barman was muttering to himself then seemed to realise Daria actually wanted to talk to him. With an unctuous smile he leered at her. "And what can I offer you lovely ladies this evening, this is the finest inn in all of New Tristram."

Daria scowled. This creep reminded her of someone…? "What have you got to drink?" She asked.

"Only the finest ale in the region, fresh brewed last week."

"Something stronger?"

"Ehmm we only have BrannViin…?"

"What is that? Some sort of brandy? Never mind, it'll do, gimme five, no six thanks."

"Ehrm sorry but how will you be paying? You're a stranger around here and we've had some troubles with odd sorts from the wild lands…"

Daria gave him a look that could curdle new milk. "How much is a bottle?"

"Two gold pieces but if a beautiful woman like you wanted to work it off some other way I'm sure I could come to a mutually beneficial… " His sentence fizzled out when he realised he was looking at the business end of a wizard's wand… and a ceremonial gutting knife… and a saw edged fist weapon… and an axe with blood still dripping off the blade… and a flail with a bit of scalp stuck to one of the spikes and the other woman had a hand crossbow pointing at his eye.

"Bottle, six cups and buzz off."

"Huh?"

"Go sweep up the back room or something. Stop! Bottle. Six cups, then go."

Daria sighed and unstoppered the earthenware bottle. Her nostrils were instantly cleared by the fumes from it. Definitely not brandy, some kind of vodka maybe. The cups weren't too clean but she figured this stuff would kill any germs… or the six of them or who the hell cares. She poured a generous measure into each cup and conscientiously left two gold pieces on the counter.

She turned to the woman at the table and raised an eyebrow. "Join us?"

The woman put her feet down. "Why don't you like, join me or something instead, it's a big table."

Everyone recognised the valley girl accent. Daria sighed. "Jane could you bring the bottle please? Thanks." Then she brought to cups over and parked one in front of the other woman.

"Hi Sandi, long time no see. How have you been?" Quinn asked as she sat. Her flail and shield had mysteriously vanished, just like everyone else's weaponry.

"Why didn't you come to my wedding?" Stacy asked accusingly. "I wanted you and Tiffany to be bridesmaids as well as Quinn. You didn't even RSVP!"

"Stacy I couldn't I… you didn't know?"

"WHAT?"

"Your Steve, we dated before you… BEFORE you right. It didn't end well he… let's just like, say he wasn't right for me… he… no, I have said enough Stacy I just couldn't go and I'm like, sorry and stuff. I hope you two are very happy together. Okay? What the fu…?" Sandi added as Stacy burst into tears and fled in the direction of what their noses told them was the toilet.

"He just ran out on her, just so as you know." Quinn replied tartly as she got up to follow her friend.

"Oh thank GOD! No I mean it. Like, that is the best thing the guy was a creep, dangerous, he… he threatened me. He showed me his gun and told me to like, keep my mouth shut about his business or else. Come on let's go and get her."

"Drama, drama f***in' drama." Jane sighed. "Thank god I'm single again. Plenty of oats left to sow."

"You do seem to have an endless supply." Daria replied drily.

"Yeah baby! That reminds me, how is the lovely Vittorio?"

"Oh, like always, vapid and virile in equal measure. I may have to ditch him, he seems to want to get attached and I can only fake conversation at his level for short periods at a time."

"You two are still crazy, you know that?" Jodie interjected.

"Ahh, thanks." Both women smiled.

"We should be moving on." Jane said as she indicated the other three coming back, both women talking intently to Stacy who had been shaking her head then listening, then getting mad, seeming to grow even larger as her face flushed red.

"I think she needs to go kill some more Z's."

"Well Leah said we need to go talk to Captain Rumford at the gate so let us go and do the right thing righteously."

"Yeah but first..." Daria poured another round. They looked at the drinks. They drank the drinks. "Let's go."

Part 4 – Altered Egos

"You'd almost think they were waiting for us to come out of town, wouldn't you?" Daria asked as they battled a fresh batch of ravening revenants which had assaulted the barricades moments before.

"You think?" Jane responded as she zipped at inhuman speed around two of the larger creatures and sliced and diced the female looking thing that was vomiting up filth that instantly turned into more zombies.

"That's one of the Wretched Mothers" a guard called after them. "There are more of them hanging around the ruins of the old town. If you get rid of them the attacks will stop."

"…. And now we have a mission." Daria supplied unnecessarily. "And someone said golf was the ruination of a good walk."

"What…?" Quinn asked as she daintily picked bits of flesh off her flail with the edge of a dagger and flicked them away.

"I was just Golluming to myself. Never mind me."

"Oh… I never do." Quinn responded airily. Then smiled at her sister. "Is Golluming a word or did you just make that up? It kinda works for you though, right?"

Daria just looked at her sourly then said. "So much for my Númenorean aspirations, I'm a shrivelled little hobbit who mutters to herself in the dark places."

"Yep." Quinn patted her shoulder. "But we love you anyhow."

"How come you're the only one wearing pants?" Jodie demanded as they proceeded along the country lane. "The rest of us have what could pass for shorts but this damn witch doctor outfit consists of a boob sling and a hairy belt with a bit of cloth hanging down front and back that you can't even tie together, it was NOT intended for nights out in this climate!"

"This is the standard outfit for us Crusaders. We're holy warriors you know, sworn to vows of chastity. We have to be modest." Quinn replied assuming a saintly expression and brushing imaginary crumbs off her full sleeved leather tunic and trousers.

"Does your husband know about this vow of chastity? And I suppose the boys were left under a gooseberry bush by a stork?" Daria snarked back.

"In this place they probably would be! Now hush Daria, I'm communing with the blessed spirits."

"It looks more like the passing of the blessed wind, we should give her some space everybody."

"DARIA!"

They interrupted their chat to deal with some more zombies and some pesky porcupiney creatures that shot spines at them then ran, easily eluding the adventurers with hand weapons. Daria managed to hit one with a shot from her wand but Sandi did better, her little hand crossbow could auto load and she had great range and accuracy, standing still and picking the enemy off one by one.

Jane fell in to step beside Daria and Jodie as they set off again. "All right Jodie, I know about me and Daria and half of the former Fashion Club but what about you? What has you playing the game?"

"I was at a conference in a convention center in Atlantic City and driving home to Wilmington when the snow hit. I'm stuck in a hotel in Philly until it clears up."

"Hey that doesn't sound too bad, food and a bar at least, yeah?" Jane asked.

"Yeah well… I had dinner then stepped into the bar for a nightcap to help me sleep… "

"Yes and…"

"…and there were a bunch of guys there, doctors from the convention and they all wanted to talk to me and buy me cocktails… " Jodie hesitated.

"Aaaaanndddd!?"

"…and after the third margarita this paediatric surgeon who looked a lot like Mack, remember Mack? Yeah well he was starting to look mighty fine and I was on my own and no one would know…so… "

"Sooo….?"

"So I went and locked myself in my room with a bottle of pinot grigio and started playing video games on my laptop. I love my husband." She whispered at the end.

"Lucky bastard doesn't deserve you but hell, yeah, I can get behind that and hey it means you were available to join me in my dream!" Jane smirked.

"My dream." Daria interjected, "You lot are all just undigested bits of beef, mustard, a crumb of cheese, fragments of an underdone potato. There's more of gravy… OUCH!" She roared as Jane pinched her in the arm and then "YEEOW!" as Jodie smacked her ass.

"Mine." Jane managed to look menacing through the smirk she wore.

"Margarataville." Jodie added sagely.

"Well I'll tell you what, if we find Alice I'll slap her silly and if we find the Red King you can kick him in the nuts until he wakes up, agreed?" Daria asked as she rubbed her sore behind.

"Agreed!" They chorused.

Up ahead the other three had stopped by a low stone wall surrounding a hole in the ground. It looked like a standard story book Jack and Jill well except for the eldritch blue glow emanating from it.

"Okay, who watched the videotape?" Daria snarked.

"Not me, I'm a Netflix addict." Jane responded, "Who has VHS players nowadays anyhow? She added.

"The forgotten ghost of narrative causality? Don't they turn up at the back of closets or in garages like spinning wheels in old fairy tales?" Daria mused. "I know I never owned one but there's one in an old cardboard box in my apartment."

"Like keys that don't fit any door or wire coat hangers." Jodie added. "Those damn things breed in my closets."

"I think Terry Pratchett had them sussed as a parasitic life form… or was it Douglas Adams?"

"Anyway we'd… oh what did she do that for?" Daria asked as they saw Stacy roar out her battle cry and vault over the parapet and drop into the well.

"Greedy for more gold?" Jane asked.

"Hungry for more heads" Jodie asked.

"Asking for MY boot up her ass!" Daria responded.

They walked up to the wall and looked down. From below came the sounds of fighting and Stacy shouting which after a while became Stacy saying "Ehhh guys? I could use a little help here? Umm…"

"Come ON!" Quinn shouted from behind them. "We can't leave her down there alone, let's go." Then she put her arms out to grab them all and pushed.

Daria had been leaning over and peering down trying to see Stacy so she went over first. She reached for anything to stop her fall and caught Jane's arm but only succeeded in pulling her over too. She managed to cast virtual armor before she hit the bottom which was just as well because a moment later the other four landed on top of her.

Finding herself face down in less than a foot of foetid water Daria pushed herself up and started to yell "Gerrofff me you…!" When everyone's attention was taken up for a few minutes by the large pack of zombies, demons and what looked like skinned dogs that crowded in on all sides howling for blood.

It was easy to see how it could have gone much easier if they'd worked together as opposed to cross purposes and had anything resembling a plan. She noticed that both she and Sandi were pretty useless in close quarter combat as she was reduced to swatting at the enemy with her wand and Sandi was trying to beat them off with the butt of her pistol bow.

She filled her lungs and roared over the noise. "STACY, QUINN, JANE, JODIE YOU NEED TO PUSH THEM BACK! PUSH! MAKE A HOLE! C'MON PUSH! SANDI! NOW! BREAK TO YOUR RIGHT! GET CLEAR AND START SHOOTING!" As soon as she saw the other women start to move she gathered her inner force and pushed out to the left making an opening and running for the space. The tide of battle turned almost instantly as she could now pick her targets and blast them, she knew she was getting stronger as she could zap more frequently and with a lot more force. In half a minute they were done and Sandi shot the couple of stragglers in the head to finish it.

They spent a minute healing themselves then picking up the various loot. "Did anyone get a pair of pants?" Jodie asked plaintively.

"Ummm…"

"Sandi? You got pants? Hand them over now! Please?" She added as an afterthought.

"Well, like you can have them but I don't think they'll fit you. You have like, a great figure and all but… these pickups are all tailored to me and…"

"Show me." Jodie demanded.

Sandi opened her Mary Poppins back pack which was similar to the one they each carried that could hold several suits of armor, swords, shields, spears, helmets, boots and probably a caged mynah bird yet still be carried with two shoulder straps and produced a pair of shorts identical to what she was already wearing.

Jodie glared at them then said "Maybe they'll stretch." Unfortunately leather doesn't have much give in it so she couldn't get them past her muscular thighs. She snarled something that sounded vaguely Russian then threw them away. Then she stomped after them, picked them up and handed them back to Sandi with a muttered "Thanks anyhow."

Sandi looked at them doubtfully then tossed them away again and Daria heard her mutter "If my pants had fit her I'd have to like, kill myself or something!"

'Next order of business' Daria thought to herself as she checked out the cave they were in, still lit somehow by that weird blue light. She walked over to the hole they'd fallen down and looked up.

"Oh Leroy!" She called out. "Leroy Jenkins could you come here for a sec?" After a few seconds of general puzzlement she yelled "Stacy! Get over here! Now, Stacy, have a look up there, that's about what? Ten, twelve feet? Yeah? Now, how do you reckon we get up there?"

The others all crowded around and looked up as well.

"Yeah but in the game you just… and you're out, you don't have to… ohhh."

"Well this isn't the game is it? Or is it? At this point I'm not sure but I do know I wish we had a rope."

"Actually I have a rope." Jane answered. "But before you say anything I am aware it is a bit late and can I stress it was not my idea to jump in a well without tying it to a tree first."

Everyone glared at Stacy who looked like a seven foot tall small child who'd just been spanked.

Before the tears started Daria clapped her hands together and said "All right, plan. Here we go I know Stacy is the tallest but I think in this form you might be the sturdiest Quinn so I need you to stand with your back against the wall and lock your legs straight, Stacy is gonna climb on your shoulders then lift Jane up over her head to reach the top and drop the rope down for us. Did you learn knots in the Girl Scouts Jane or just the rude version of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt?"

"Both actually, I can do a neat hangman's noose if we have to do any lynchin', not looking at anybody in particular."

"Right Quinn, are you ready? C'mon Jodie, let's give Stacy a bunce up."

"Mmmrff! Aarfff!"

"What was that, Quinn?"

"Got a face full o' barbarian boob, thank god you haven't found a breastplate yet Stacy or that would have been the facelift from hell!"

"Oh Quinn, you know I don't motorboat until the fifth date, just like you taught me." Stacy provided from her perch on Quinn's shoulders which was a mistake as Quinn started laughing and the pair of them fell over with a splash.

Part 5 Fast Forward Button

So these here six strangers moseyed into the old town o' Tristram, armed and dangerous (and wet). ("This never happens in the game!" – "WE KNOW!").

Fifteen minutes later Daria totted up the score.

Wretched Mothers Remaining: Zero

Zombies Remaining: Zero

Porcupiney Dog Things Remaining: Zero

Dank Cellars yet to be Explored: Zero

Pants for Jodie: … well you can see where this is going.

"Okay so are we going to walk back to town or chance that teleport device?" Daria asked.

"The pub's in town."

"Teleport it is, let's go."

"Well… that was… different. Everyone got all their bits still attached?"

General chorus of "Yes, yeah, I think so etc."

Before they could get into the pub though Captain Mumford stopped them and asked them to talk Leah out of going looking for her uncle in the cellars under the old cathedral. Leah, who had obviously been waiting for them to come back, was insistent about finding Uncle Deckard so off they all went, first to Leah's mother Adria's cottage for the key, then on to the ruined church. Leah having pointed them in the right direction then found a reason not to go along.

"It's just as well, she doesn't have much in the way of conversation." Quinn said as they paused and Daria, Sandi and Jodie dispatched the resident zombie contingent from in front of the door with their ranged weapons. "It's weird how they're kinda alive and … not… you know?"

"Uh huh, yep. Well this place is designed to be some sort of fantasy fulfilment so guys probably find her cute and want to protect her but you know gamer boys – conversations with women are not their strong suit." Daria replied.

"You didn't meet the right kind of gamer boys in college. I developed a liking for the cleaner geeks and nerds at Pepperhill, they were a lot better than the Neanderthals who only knew a single two syllable word – 'Fuhball'."

"You're right I guess, at Raft all that mattered to me was literature, I selected all my dates from the denizens of the library and the Phil or Hist Societies, gamers weren't on my radar and the unwashed drunken frat boys could just go and jump in the harbour for all I cared."

"That's our Daria." Jane interjected. "Picky, picky."

"The word you're looking for is 'Selective', fortunately I worked out my system. I argue, okay fight with Theo and George about books, I go dancing with Adrian and then there's Vittorio… let's just say he fills that emptiness deep inside me that no other man has reached. If he had brains he'd be dangerous!" Daria said as she checked the sliding knot Jane had put in the rope that would allow them to climb down into the hole in the floor that had been made by the meteor and still retrieve it from below.

"That Adrian guy seemed nice when I met him, great taste in clothes." Quinn said.

"Yup, great taste, period. Sadly he is, to quote himself, as bent as a four dollar bill, he just hates dancing with men. It suits me too because I like to lose myself when I'm dancing so I can forget all that other drama. Well, we really are dungeon spelunking now, would you look at this place? Of course the torches never burn out either."

"Zombies and boneys and imps, oh my!" Daria muttered as she shot lightning from her newly acquired staff into the latest horde. "Can we stop for a minute after these so I can get my breath?"

"Sure, my pack is full again – I wanna throw out the junk." Jane responded. "There's no rush anyhow, this ruin just goes on and on and it's starting to get tedious."

"Why in the hell did I have to play this STUPID game with this STUPID excuse for a costume!" Jodie snarled as she discarded yet another breastplate and helmet.

"Well why did you pick the Witch Doctor?" Quinn asked as the others joined them. "The other cossies are cute, especially Sandi's."

"Oh right yeah – I shoulda picked the other playable character of color in the game, let's see now… nope, nothing." Jodie replied tartly.

"I think I'm supposed to be Asian actually." Daria said. "Though you aren't wrong – there's definitely a certain European bias to the characters. Would it have been a stretch to pick something else though? I mean you're still you…"

"Yeah and that's why we all chose to play females, right? So we could walk a mile in someone else's boxer shorts?" Jodie's lid was starting to rattle as she approached boiling point.

"Look I was only saying…" Daria began but Jodie cut across her.

"Dammit the lot of you can just go and kiss my…" Jodie snarled then turned around, bent over, lifted her 'skirt' and mooned them all royally.

Bemused, Daria was about to respond with "That's no moon!" but the other four beat her to it with Jane saying "I'll paint that ass for just $19.99!". Stacy shouted "Look out! I think it's gonna blow!". Quinn asked "Okay, who ordered the double burger, no cheese?" but she reckoned Sandi won this particular round with her deadpan delivery of "Oh look, a Republican!"

Even Jodie couldn't help laughing at that and the group moved on in better spirits.

Part 6 Failing the Bechdel Test… again

Some little while later having returned many of the dead to their natural state and rescuing Deckard Cain from the depths of the Cathedral they were back in town to sell off their loot, drink more brannvin and wait to be given their next quest. They had rescued a Templar Knight from some rabid cultists so they were having a discussion on what to do with him.

"Look there are six of us already, do we really need a follower? We can just leave him back in town and go our merry way." Daria asserted.

"But he's so dreamy, he looks like Clive Owen and talks like Sean Bean, can we keep him, please?"

"But Stacy I thought you'd be sick of men after all the… you know?" Quinn asked.

"Not this guy, I remember from when I played before he follows you around like a puppy and fights for you to the death. I'm keeping him!"

"Well fine but you have to feed him and muck out his man cave. What Jane?" Daria asked tartly.

"I was just wondering why we can't have one each, you know to fetch and carry and… stuff."

"You're incorrigible!"

"I know, right?"

Daria noticed that Sandi had been sitting quietly in the corner chair watching the various conversations with a slight smile but saying nothing herself. This didn't sit with Daria's memories of the teenaged Sandi's acerbic personality so she decided to try and draw the younger woman out a little. Daria's writing had improved greatly since she had taken a psychology course in college and discovered how much you could learn by just talking to people in a non-judgemental fashion. They were all in their thirties now and she knew the adult Jane and Quinn were very different or perhaps simply more than the people they had been in high school.

"So Sandi…" She began. "What has you playing video games tonight? Are you snowed in somewhere too?"

"Wha..? Oh, sorry, no, I'm at home in Virginia… We don't have any snow I just… don't go out much any more since… my husband… died and…"

"WHAT!" Quinn & Stacy yelled in unison. "You're married!?"

Sandi sighed. "I am… was married… he um… passed away in June."

"Well F***!" Jane declared, echoing each of their thoughts. "What happened? Was it an accident or…?"

"Hold on! Go back a space. You got married and we didn't know? Sandi how could…I mean… for real?" Quinn was shaking her head in disbelief.

"It was a tiny ceremony in Venice… just the two of us and an couple of old British tourists we asked to be witnesses. We told nobody, especially my Mom… she would've… well you remember."

"Wait, Venice Beach or Venice Venice?" Stacy interrupted.

"Italy, we were there for his business and he just popped the question, he is… he was an old romantic."

"Old?" Jane asked.

"Middle aged anyway – old enough to have an enlarged heart but he would not give up his wine and espressos, bloody damn fool!"

"Oh Sandi I'm… you loved him yeah?"

"So much… I never even thought I could but he was such a man like… a man! Not a kid I mean and he taught me so many things and showed me the world. I loved him." Sandi added simply.

"Are you saying you were one of those whatyoucallem trophy wives?"

"No." Sandi shook her head. "I had a trophy husband. I married a billionaire."

"Sheesh!" Stacy exclaimed. "How did you manage that?"

"With sex , of course. I mean, like, what else have I got, right?" Sandi's eyes blazed with sudden anger.

"SANDI! For god's sake we're passed all that teenage shit. Okay I asked that wrong but I did not mean that I just want you to tell me what happened, please?"

"Yeah." Daria interjected. "We're all curious but if you don't want to tell us it's cool. You lost your husband, that's rough, regardless of the circumstances, neither you nor Stacy owe us anything… unless you feel like telling us about him."

"Do we know this guy? Is he famous or something?" Jane asked.

"Well… you or Daria may have met him, he was Tom Sloane's dad's business partner, Myron Grace."

"A couple of times." "I did, once, at Angier's birthday party." Jane and Daria said at the same time then looked at each other and smirked.

"Do you remember his wife? Liliane Horowitz? She was a partner in your Mom's law firm before she started her own I mean."

"I know of her but never met her." Daria said and Jane nodded in agreement.

"Yeah well she like, had an affair with her golf coach, then divorced Myron and took him for $500 million, he was devastated, he said, they'd been married since college and had three kids and four grandkids. Selfish bitch! She broke his heart."

"Did you know him then? I mean how did you…?" Quinn asked.

Sandi snorted. "You'll probably laugh but… he was… I mean he wasn't incompetent he could dress himself but she had basically been picking out his wardrobe and making sure he was well turned out for all those fancy meetings and dinners he had to attend. Grace, Sloane and Paige are like an international conglomerate with business interests all over the world. It doesn't do to have lunch with the Prime minister of Japan with your tie on crooked so he picked up his phone and called the only style consultant in Lawndale, me."

"I remember when you started that, you had a little office off Dega Street, right?" Stacy asked.

"Yeah, it wasn't much but I made a living and didn't have to depend on my mom." She managed to make "mom" sound like a swear word.

"Let's get back on track." Jodie said as she uncorked a fresh bottle of the evil spirit and poured another round. "You were hired as a consultant?"

"Yeah, at first it was easy, men's clothes are pretty basic, suits, ties, shirts, cufflinks - the right watch you know? Anyway I could tell he liked me though he was really good about it, tried not to get caught staring at my ass or noticing my boobs. That was fun though, I pretended not to notice though I figured sooner or later he'd make some sort of offer, that's what rich guys do right? But he never did. At first I knew I'd have refused and walked out of there but after a while I was kinda hoping he would, he was an attractive man with great hair and he treated me like a… like a lady or something… it was nice." Sandi sighed wistfully.

"Sounds like a movie or something." Stacy responded dreamily.

"Then one day he asked me if I'd go with him to Paris. He had to attend a conference and a series of dinners happening around the G8 summit so I thought - free vacation in Paris? D'uh, no brainer, I'm like there already.

I had to make sure he was all set up before each event but after that I had the time to myself. You know it's funny I thought of you two when I was walking around the Musée d'Orsay looking at all those Impressionist paintings." She said, pointing at Daria and Jane. "It would have been nice to have someone to talk to about what I was seeing, it was all so beautiful. Anyhow that night he asked why I was so sad looking and I told him that, I told him about you if you can believe that and guess what, next day he cancelled his meeting and took me to the Louvre, he had taken art as a minor and had been there loads of times so we walked and talked through the whole place, literally miles of galleries it was amazing! Then he took me to dinner in the Tour d'Argent and explained about wines. That's where it started I guess. The next day he told me to go out and buy a gown - he needed a plus one for a dinner at the US embassy. Yeah I know, Pretty Woman, right? But at least I already knew which fork to use and from there we went everywhere together. A year later we're having mojito's in Harry's bar in Venice and he turns to me and says "Sandra, will you marry me?" and I broke down like a fool and and cried and told him no he deserved much better and he just held me and kept saying he loved me and that was it, we went and found a registry office and some kind of Italian official and a rabbi and a minister and two witnesses and he married me that day." Sandi lowered her head after this speech and wept silently for a while as Quinn and Stacy sat either side of her and put their arms around her.

"That's a great happy ending to a story except it wasn't, right?" Daria asked after a while.

"Hah! Yeah you got that right. His bitch ex-wife hit the freakin roof when she found out and tried to sue me, than have him declared incompetent on the basis that he didn't make me sign a prenup, she got her kids on board and tried to have the whole thing annulled, they wouldn't leave him be and he finally lost it and told them to quit it or he'd cut them all off! All the bitch wanted was 'her' house back, like she hadn't run off in the first place. It got ugly for a while but when it started to look like My' was gonna really disinherit the kids they quieted down and played nice and I do mean played, they didn't mean it."

"So…" Jane began. "Erm… I don't know how to ask this nice so I'm just gonna say it, how long were you married?"

"Almost three years, three great years… he died a few months ago."

"Shit, I'm sorry, that sucks. Was it sudden, were you with him when he…?"

"Yeah, ha!" Sandi barked a laugh which she bit off savagely. "Yeah I was with him… in bed… he was in my…"

"Arms?"

"No… yes… I mean as well I mean we were…"

"NO!" Several of the women exclaimed at once. "SHIIITT!" They all added.

"Yep, probably the way a lot of guys wanna go but not so much fun for me I can tell you I totally lost my shit I mean I went crazy for a while, it was like, totally a nightmare. They told me his heart just stopped."

"I always said you had a killer bod." Stacy said. Everyone looked at her aghast for a few moments then Sandi started to snicker, then let go a belly laugh. Tension eased the rest joined in.

"Private Benjamin." Daria said quietly.

"What? What?" Quinn asked.

"Remember that old film with Goldie Hawn where she joins the army? Well the reason she did that is cos her husband died on their honeymoon, in her er… arms too, did you see it?"

A couple of them nodded, the rest shrugged.

"Yeah well the reason I thought of that… and I don't want to disrespect your guy Sandi is the funeral scene. His mother comes over to Goldie and says "What were his last words, dear?" and Goldie looks up at her and says "I'm coming" and the old dear just…" Daria stopped because the other five were laughing so hard and Jane fell backwards off the bench.

Daria poured one more round.

After a while Sandi continued. "So after My' died Lili the bitch tried every legal dirty trick she could think of to have me kicked to the curb but he had set everything up perfectly. She got nothing, his kids got a huge payout each and I got the rest - the houses, the cars, the horses, a one third stake in a Fortune 500 company, paintings, sculptures, silverware and who gives a f***. She hates me, her kids hate me, hell their little kids hate me. The servants hate me, the dogs hate me even the damn snotty bitches who come around asking me to write checks for their charities hate me. I live in a twelve bedroom colonial pile worth fifty million with servants who look down on me, fancy cars I don't drive, polo ponies I don't ride and a helicopter I'm afraid to fly in. The only people who treat me halfway decent are Tom Sloane and his sister, he's now CEO and she's CFO of the firm and they're jointly my proxies on the board but even for them… I'll never be one of their lot, one of their clique remember how we used to look down on everyone in high school? Well for them that's their whole lives, forever!"

Everyone sat quietly for a few moments.

"So." Sandi continued. "To answer your original question Daria, I'm in my bedroom, alone, with no one to call and no one who calls me except my family looking for a handout, playing online video games in a $10,000 Versace ballgown. You can laugh now, if you want."

"Nothing laughable about that." Daria reached across the table and grasped Sandi's hand. "First off I don't want a cent from you so let's get that out of the way. If this is all real somehow and not my imagination when we all wake up call me and come out to San Francisco, we have some fine art galleries and I always enjoy showing visitors around the city."

"Same goes for me in New Yoyk!" Jane added.

"Well if you're coming west as she won't fly in her condition I think I've finally persuaded Stacy to take the train to Pasadena and stay with me until she has her baby girl. I think we'd both love to have you around, Stacy?" Quinn looked across at the pigtailed giantess meaningfully.

Stacy looked startled for a moment then determined. "Hell yeah. I hadn't realised how important friends were until they were all gone, at least I can have some of you back, thank you Quinn you were always there at the end of the phone for me thank GOD! I still don't know what happened to Tiffany since her folks moved away, have any of you heard from her?"

They all shook their heads.

Jodie leaned forward. "By the way I don't know you as well as the others Sandi but I would like to invite you to come visit me in Wilmington anytime too, though I am a busy working doctor and mom."

"Thanks Jodie, that's very kind of you. I remember you got married in Lawndale, what's your husband's name? I'll look up your number."

Jodie suddenly looked embarrassed. "It's erm Rob… Robert Whitaker, one 't', in Wilmington, Delaware."

"Waaaiiiit a minute." Daria interjected. "That makes you… Jodie Whitaker"

"WHO?" Jane said with a manic grin. "And you're a doctor?"

The three former fashion clubbers all looked confused.

"It's spelled different!" Jodie yelled. "Don't you think my step kids give me enough grief about that, don't you two dare start with me!"

"I have an axe!" Stacy shouted. "Tell me what the f*** is so goddam funny?"

It took a while but they eventually explained the concept.

Part 7 - You saw this coming, right?

Was it hours or days later?

They were all much more powerful and heavily armoured. Jodie had pants. Daria could scythe through enemy hosts with her force beam like a hot knife through butter and each of the others was as formidable in battle. They had only to enter this final chamber and kill the demon Diablo.

Daria looked around at them. "Is everyone ready?"

"Are you ready Daria?"

"Daria!"

"Daria, I said are you ready to play?"

"Wh… what?" Bleary eyed and momentarily confused Daria looked around her bedroom then realised the voice was coming from her Mac's screen where Jane was looking at her.

"Were you asleep? Sorry that took so long, Trent called, he and Penny are in a bar in Belize inventing cocktails and rang wanting to know would I send them some ice as we have plenty. They were both off their nut but god they were funny, it's good to see them getting along finally. So… do you still want to play or are you too tired now? I know it's getting late…?"

"Jane…? Wow… you would not believe the dream I just had. Woah!" Daria took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes, shaking her head.

"Was I there, let me guess, I was the tin girl, no, wait the cowardly lion and Trent was the scarecrow, right? Did they dye your eyes blue to match your dress?"

Daria couldn't help but smile. "Nah, nothing so mundane as that, listen I'm really beat, I think I'll go to bed maybe we should try this again tomorrow after I make a couple of calls in the morning, okay?"

"Sure thing, I might do some work anyhow I got this weird idea for a painting and I need to go study up on armour, I'll see you tomorrow. G'night." She waved and was gone before Daria could follow up on that interesting tidbit.

Daria prepared herself and climbed into bed, the memory of the lurid dream still fresh in her mind wondering if she should write the details down when suddenly she found herself once more in armour, a staff in her hands, her fellow Nephalem warriors at her side only this time they weren't in the mythical land of Sanctuary, they were in New York on a dark and stormy night. Before them in the centre of Fifth Avenue rose a dark tower emanating pure evil from its cruel heart and she knew they must prevail against this darkness or perish in the attempt. They prepared themselves for the assault on the Heart of Darkness but then Bruno Mars turned up and they did the Uptown Funk dance instead.

And that was the best dream of them all.

The end.