Happy early Halloweenie! Now watch me ridicule the characters in Naruto.
While simultaneously watching webisodes/Mad Men
So…
Everything © Their owners
PHOENIXCLAW, I MADE CHAPTER TWO LIKE, A MONTH AGO AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T FRICKIN' REVIEWED YOU A-HOLE! D:
---------------------------------------
Oh it's that time of year again! Not, not Christmas, you scrawny little idiot, it's Halloween!
And in the Akatsuki, that meant only one thing: Eating Candy, getting drunk, and beating up children and taking their candy.
Not…not necessarily in that order.
Nevertheless, it was a day when the Akatsuki could just relax. But it wasn't without tradition, of course.
Dressing up in silly outfits is one of the main customs, so, that is what they did. Pein was a vampire, Konan was an angel, Deidara was a Barbie doll—(Suggested by Sasori, who was punched in the stomach multiple times that day)—Tobi was a lollipop, Itachi was Dr. Evil—with hair, Kisame was a freaky-looking Mario, Hidan was…a Spartan of some sort…Kakuzu was Mr. Monopoly, Zetsu was Audrey jr., and Sasori…
Sasori…was…well…
"Dammit Sasori, if I have to go as Barbie, you have to go as him!"
"B-but…"
"AND DO THE DANCE, UN!" Sighing loudly, Sasori stepped out of his bedroom. Monotonously, he started to dance.
"Berries and Cream, Berries and Cream, I'm a little lad who likes berries and cream." He put no effort and/or energy into the song/dance. Deidara crossed his arms.
"More enthusiasm, un!"
"Berries and Cream, Berries and cream, I'm a little lad who likes berries and cream!" Unbeknownst to Sasori, Hidan was filming this all on tape.
"Youtube, here we come." He smiled deviously.
"Wait, what the hell…? A CAMERA? HIDAN, YOU BASTARD!" Sasori rushed over to Hidan, and they both wrestled over the camera.
"Idiots." Konan said, folding her arms and rolled her eyes. Why the hell was she the only female in this god-forsaken place? She sat down on their plush seats, watching the surprisingly stupid—but entertaining—event. When the time came, Pein stepped in with his paley vampire-goodness and all. If he had freckles, he would've been a ginger.
"Alright, break it up, dammit!" Pein crossed his arms, and Sasori glared at Hidan, who had the camera in his hand. Hidan simply smirked at the poor bastard.
"I'm a lollipop, lick me dry!" Tobi said; which resulted in awkward glances towards him.
Crickets chirped.
"…Now that we've got that out of our way, are all of you ready? And did you blow up our compounds for this evening, Deidara?" Deidara shook his head.
"Nope! At least I hope not…" Pein nodded.
"Good. Kisame, the beverages?" Kisame held up the multiple bottles of Vodka, Whiskey, Scotch, Beer, Martini's, Daiquiri's, Bourbon, Appletini's, Sake, and everything in-between.
"And Zetsu, the food?"
"All ready and set up."
"Great. Let's go." Pein followed behind all of them, and immediately locked/barricaded/jutsued the living hell out of the door so only he and Konan were left.
"Oh thank god."
"Xenu." She corrected him.
"Whatever. Wanna watch Saw?"
"Just that one or the trilogy?"
"Trilogy."
"Hell yes. And then Descend?"
"Yeah."
"SWEET."
--------------------------------------
The denizens of Konoha were going to have their annual Halloween festival, which meant cake. And, for our little colorblind ninja, it meant Ramen.
Lots and lots of ramen.
And dressing up. Joyous!
Since about two months ago he had managed to bring back Sasuke, they—as in Naruto and Sakura—were forcibly recruiting him to dress up like an idiot. Their idiotic costumes were as: Sakura was Trinity from The Matrix, Naruto was Link from The Legend of Zelda and Sasuke was an emo kid….
Which…meant that…he didn't have to…dress up. At all.
Oh. Burn.
Anyway…
"Sasuke, why didn't you…y'know…get dressed up?" Sakura turned to him in all her leathery glory. He grunted.
"Because to 78.34 percent--."
"Wait, what? How is that possible?" Sakura gave Naruto a look, but Sasuke just continued.
"—of Naruto fans, I'm a whiney little emo bastard." Naruto crossed his arms.
"Damn straight." Sakura smacked him.
"Ow! Stop it!" He glared at her, which she returned with an eye-roll.
"Look, we're almost there!" Naruto and Sakura, who grabbed Sasuke by hand, ran up into the large crowd of people.
In said large crowd, dozens of people were making their way to multiple Halloween-themed booths. Said booths sold oodles of Halloween knick-knacks, bric-a-brac, and STUFF. Glorious stuff!
"Sakura, I want candy."
"Then buy some."
"I don't have any money."
"Then you can't buy any."
"B-but…" He whined like the emo he is. "I…I want can-dey!" Sakura smacked her forehead.
"Why the hell do you get so OOC around me? It's not like we're THAT popular of a couple." Sasuke smirked.
"My dear, I beg to differ. While we aren't as popular as SasuNaru, we are, in fact, very admired."
"…Why? Part II killed the pairing."
"Doesn't stop them. And never will."
"Touché, mon ami, touché." She handed him five dollars.
"Here. Buy me a Twix."
"Ew…Twix suck." Sakura's eye twitched violently.
"What…what did you say?"
"I said…I said Twix suc-."
"FALCON PUNCH!"
"Oh shi-." Before long, however the ground beneath him crumbled. Good thing he got away in time.
"TWIX DON'T SUCK, DAMMIT! THEY'RE GOOD!" Naruto put his hand over the camera.
"Can we cut to a commercial or something?"
Commercial time!
"Hey kids, what's wrong?"
"We're bored…And pre-pubescent."
"WELL, THAT CAN ALL BE CHANGED WITH THE GAARA SLIP N' SLIDE!"
"YAAAAAAAY! Can I be pubescent?"
"NO, BUT THE GAARA SLIP N' SLIDE IS THE WACKIEST SLIP N' SLIDE OF ALL! GAARA CAN EVEN TALK! HE SAYS ALL OF YOUR FAVORITE EMO PHRASES!"
"I live solely for myself, I love only myself."
"My father hates meeeee…I must slit my wrist and post pictures on MySpace…."
"You fail. Kthnxbai."
"WHAT ABOUT THE SLIP N' SLIDE, YOU ASK? WELL, IT DOESN"T FUNCTION ON WATER, BECAUSE WATER IS GAY AND DESTROYES SAND! INSTEAD, IT RUNS ON CHAKRA-ENCODED SAND! OH THE FUN YOU'LL HAVE!"
"Ow! The sand hurts!"
"YOUR KIDS WILL JUST LOVE THE GAARA SLIP N' SLIDE FOR THEIR HALLOWEEN PRESENT!"
"Mommy, the sand is choking me!"
"I'm in pain!"
"DON'T BUY THIS!" One of the children shouted.
"Shut up!" Loud Announcer-man said.
"ANYWAY, THIS TOY ONLY COSTS 19.95! 19.95! 19.95------------------!"
"BUY NOW---------------------------!"
Warning: , it'..Andgoread'Justanotherday'byPhoenixClaw.
Not-Commercial time!
"Heyy---hic—Kakuzu…" A drunken Hidan said, turning to his equally drunk partner.
"Wuh-wuht?"
"You—hic—know what this is?"
"—Hic—No…"
"THIS—Hic—IS SPARTA!"
"Holy shit, I didn't know! I thought this was—Hic—Athens!"
"No……--Hic--…"
"De-Deidara…" Sasori looked over to the blond, sipping on his twelfth daiquiri.
"Wh-what-what is it, dan—hic—na?"
"You…you wanna really—hic—wanna know why Yondy and The fifth Kazekage put demons in their children?"
"WH-why—hic—un?"
"B-Because they were—hic—totally high…"
"That's…that's—hic—hot…"
"I know…"
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF JUNO!"
"You're Roman?" Kisame said, turning to his partner.
"Yes. Didn't you see the togas?"
"Too stereotypical."
"…Didn't you see the books in my room?"
"There you go."
Pein and KONAN time! Cause they're awesome.
"How did this happen?" Pein pointed to the screen with his free arm. (The other one Konan was grabbing onto.)
"How did what happen?"
"How did we go from watching Saw, to The Descend, to Rocky Horror Picture Show, to Fifty-First dates to Along Came Polly?"
"Dunno. Hand me the popcorn." He grumbled.
"I 'suppose it just comes along with dating a woman. You have your piece-of-crap horror movies, while I have my Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller." Pein rolled his eyes.
"Well…that…sucks!"
"No, as long as nobody ever sees the Christmas pictures with you and Yahiko, no it doesn't." Pein swiftly turned his head left.
"You swore you would never tell!"
"I didn't. But this is the present, Pein. I can't stop what happens in the future."
"Yes you can."
"No. No I can't."
"…there are some moments in life where I think things would be easier the gay way. And then I think of Christianity."
"Aww, you know you're happy with me!"
"Well, yes. I'm happy with that and the fact that the fans made me the only straight guy in the Akatsuki."
"Sad but true."
"Very sad, but true."
"Oh well. It's over now. Can we watch The ring?"
"You just want to ogle Naomi Watts."
"NOIDON'TSHUTUP."
"Psh. Whatever." She pressed play, while rolling her eyes.
"Holy fricker, Samara gets creepier every time I see this!" Pein said, while Konan rolled her eyes once more.
"Pansy."
"Why am I the wimp?"
"You wanna be the only straight guy? There are ways of changing that." His eyes widened.
"Yes please."
"Good. You're my bitch."
------------------------------------
"Alright," Sakura said happily, "what did everyone get from trick-or-treating?"
"A razor, an apple, three six-month-old Peeps, a crappy fanfiction, another razor, the plotline to Just another Day...another razor, Catcher in the Rye, a voodoo doll, another razor, some anti-depressants, a noose, Myst, and a Mars Bar." Sasuke listed as he pulled everything out from his jack-o-lantern bag. "What about you, Naruto?"
"The first volume of Icha Icha Paradise, a bag of Cheetos, some marijuana-like substance, a brick, an unlabeled tape, the movie Exanadu, Charlie Sheen's unedited porn, A Fangirl-to-Human translation dictionary, a Dr. Phil book, A Zac Effron voodoo doll, a small piece of carpeting, a razor, a knife, a broken cell-phone, and a Charleston Chew." Naruto shoved the marijuana-like substance in his back pocket, and laughed awkwardly.
"Remember kids, pot is for losers. So Sakura, what'd you get?"
"567.89 dollars, a razor and a Twix bar." Sakura was taken aback by the amount of money she had gotten. "…Does…does this make me a whore?"
"A little bit, yeah."
"Well that sucks." Naruto picked up the Zac Effron doll, and hung in the air by its foot. He flicked the side of its head, and then shook it up and down. He shrugged, and threw it to the ground.
Somewhere…
"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The most idiotic, untalented, stupid, annoying, creepy, ugly piece of crap ever known ever-Also known as Zac Effron—screamed bloody murder as his body, like a used glove, was thrown to the side.
"What's wrong, you stupid un-talented bastard?" Vanessa Hudgins asked.
"I…OH GOD I DON'T KNOW!"
Back to the lack-thereof plot…
"Imaginaaaation, Imagina-a-ation, imagination, im-a-gin-aaaaaation…" Tobi giggled as he drunkenly wandered around the bar, singing the © 'Imagination Song'.
Unfourtunatley, nobody was there to take him to Imagination land. Tough.
"S-senpai! Will you—hic—sing the imagination song with me! Then we can—hic—go to imagination land!"
"No, Tobi! Imagination Land isn't—hic—real!" Meanwhile, while Tobi was in a corner crying his non-emo eyes out (Which, for an Uchiha, was pretty damn amazing), Itachi and Kisame—the only non-alcoholics there—were playing a game of Egyptian Rattail.
"One, two, three…dammit, no face cards." Kisame handed the deck over to Itachi.
"You know," Itachi said, slapping the Queen card, "why do so many people think that you are an actual shark?"
"Dunno." Kisame slapped the deck. "They're probably just morons."
"True." He grabbed the deck, and shuffled it, putting it back in the box. "Well, anyway, we should get going. Those kids' candy won't take themselves."
"Alright, let's go."
-Commercial time!-
"Hey kids, what is the one thing in the entire world that you want?" Announcer guy said.
"Money?"
"A loving father who won't beat me?"
"To be pubescent?"
"For a certain someone to be consistent with his story updating?"
"No! You want a Tobi lickins' puppy!"
"They'll lick you so much, you'll need a raincoat!"
"They'll lick you so much, you need a bathing suit!"
"They'll lick you so much, they'll drown in the river you throw them in a burlap sack!"
"They'll lick you so much, you'll be traumatized!"
"Uh…ANYWAY, SO CUTE! SO CUDDLY! SO ONLY 19.95-----!"
"BUY NOW!"
Not-commercial time!
"Well…that was weird…"
"Whatever. Let's just skip the part where we take the kids' candy." Itachi said, confused.
"Okay…"
--------------------------
"Okay, so what did everyone round up?" Zetsu asked them.
"A bunch a razors, a few knives, a meat cleaver, and ten candy bars. All of them, conveniently one of our favorites." Zetsu shrugged.
"Alright."
----------------------------------
"AAHHHHH!" Sakura screamed, jumping in the air.
"Sakura, you've seen Psycho over four times. You should be used to this by now."
"Well I'm not, you bastard!" She glanced over at Naruto for some moral support.
"Uh…yeah?" Sakura rolled her eyes.
"I'm going to get something to drink. Anybody need anything?"
"Can you grab me an apple?"
"What kind?"
"Granny Smith."
"Alright."
"Sooo….Sasuke….."
"I'm not gay." Naruto quirked a brow.
"Uh, what?"
"I'm not gay."
"…well…uh…okay. That's dandy."
"Sasuke, I'm back. Here." She threw the apple at him.
"Okay Sakura, I have a proposition for you."
"Shoot."
"If you scream once more, you must give me twenty dollars. If you don't, I'll pay you." She shrugged.
"Alright."
Five minutes later…
"AUUUUUGGGHHH-fuck…" Sakura screeched/said. She took twenty dollars out of her back pocket and gave it to Sasuke.
"Well, the movie's over, for some unexplained reason. Let's pan the screen to something else now."
"'Kay."
And that's the end of that.
Broke the fourth wall, shut up.
------------------------------------
"You only got razors? Who the hell gives out razors for Halloween?" Pein said; a questioning look upon his face. The other seven members and the apprentice had come back only ten minutes ago, and while some, hell, most had massive hangovers, they were manning it out and closing their eyes.
"Ugh, don't shout, un." Deidara said, bringing up his arm to massage his temples. As he did, he noticed a fickle smell.
"Why do I smell like wood, un…?" Sasori turned to look at him.
"Wood? I smell like…clay…"
"Oh. Oh god…Oh god…DEIDARA, WE'VE BEEN…"
"WE'VE BEEN YAOI'D, UN!"
"AAUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHH!" As they ran around the compound frantically, there was one voice in the back of their head that just said: that felt…right.
"Oh well. This Halloween has been totally, totally epic." Pein said, as Konan looked at him.
"No it wasn't!"
"Yes it was. Now, let's end this!"
And lo, they all started to dance, ending this story.
Because ending the story with dancing is just called lazy producing.
---------------------------------------
Wow…that was the crappiest fic I think I've ever made in my entire life ever.
No, seriously. It wasn't funny, the humor was rushed and random, hell Just another Day had a better plotline than this mindless piece of dribble.
Flame me. I don't care anymore. I know this sucked terribly. Just DO it.