YUGIOH: WTF?!
By Solaris Spectrum
Note: Some of you may remember my old fanfic "The Twilight Zone". Well, this is a revised, repolished but no more mature version of that fanfic so I hope you enjoy this updated version. There is heavy cursing so proceed with caution.
The sun shined brightly on the expensive mansion of child billionaire and game company CEO Seto Kaiba. Suddenly, the brown haired, blue-eyed duelist sat up in bed and looked around. He felt like something was off today but he couldn't put his finger on it. Still, his expensive looking bedroom and everything in it was quiet and calm. Shrugging off the feeling, he got up to get dressed only to find something a miss in his closet.
"MOKUBA!" He shouted. Mokuba walked into the room. Kaiba raised an eyebrow at him. Mokuba was wearing a version of his Battle City outfit.
"Yes?"
"Uh…yeah…What is this!?!" Kaiba said, pointing. What was once a closet full of expensive trench coats, flashy accessories and high maintenance boots was now a closet full of T-shirts & jeans. Wealthy arrogant billionaires in their teens didn't wear T-shirts & jeans! They wore trench coats with bracers & boots & leather with big ass duel disks strapped to their arms and carried chrome briefcases filled with cards.
"It's your clothes. What else?" Mokuba replied acting like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Yes but…these are Wheeler's clothes!" Kaiba shouted.
"Who's Wheeler?" Mokuba asked. Kaiba blinked. He had meant to say Katsuya. Why the HELL did he say Wheeler?
"Never mind!" He said, pulling a blue tee shirt from the closet.
"Whatever. I have to get to work!" Mokuba replied. "I have to plan for my next tournament so I can finally defeat Jonouchi in a duel and prove that I am the superior duelist and THE KING OF GAMES!" Mokuba declared, walking away. Seto felt his eyebrow rise up in confusion. Since when did Mokuba hate Yugi? Mokuba got along with him, much to Kaiba's personal disdain. He was ready to stop him but at the last minute changed his mind, thinking maybe Mokuba was trying to do some weird impression of him. After all, it would explain the outfit.
After getting dressed, Kaiba walked to the Domino City High School. (It's dress down day, all right?) True. He didn't really need to go because he was very intelligent. Kaiba went just for the hell of it, really. But as he entered, he still had that nagging voice in his head that something was really wrong. Walking into the classroom, he saw Yugi & Anzu.
He did a double take.
There were piercings in Yugi's lips, eyebrows, ears and nose. There were tattoos on his arms, neck and back. Dark red eye make up and painted black nails colored his irritated looking face and tapping fingers. Besides that, half of his head was shaved short and other was combed down reveling just how long his hair actually was. Yugi wore thick black steel tipped boots, ripped leather pants, chain belt clips and black gloves. It was his black shirt that caught Kaiba's eye. It said in big red letters FUCK THE FUCKING FUCKERS. The strangest thing was that he wasn't wearing the Millennium Puzzle.
The other thing he noticed was Anzu's outfit. She wore a leopard skin tube top so low that her chest was almost hanging out, a black leather mini skirt with matching boots and gold bracelets. Also, she was smoking.
Kaiba stared for a good few minutes and then looked around him. He stepped back into the hall and blinked and then walked back into the classroom. No. Everything was still the same. Was this some weird joke they were trying to play on him because if it was, it was complicated and needlessly so at that. He continued to stare at them until someone tapped his shoulder. Kaiba spun around, suddenly extremely on edge.
"Greetings Kaiba. It is in a word, "marvelous" climacteric conditions. Do you not have the same opinion as I?" said Tristan Taylor (WHAT?! His name was Hiroto Honda. Not that he really cared about Yugi's friends but still…) What was going on around here?! Was this still part of the joke?! Honda wasn't this smart! He hung out with Katsuya! Speaking of which where was he?
"Uh…yeah." Kaiba said, confused.
"You demonstrate impenetrability in articulating your vocabulary." Honda said.
"I'm…what?"
"Is something erroneous?" Kaiba sweatdropped. This was getting REALLY WEIRD "Now then I am obliged to abscond from your presence, adieu!" he said, walking away with a dramatic flourish. His eyes widened and his head tilted as Honda lest. He shook his head. He noticed Anzu walking over to him.
"Kaiba, I didn't see you over there." She said. Her voice was very seductive. She wrapped her arms around him. Kaiba felt his face go crimson.
"HUH?" was the only thing he could say as all coherent thought was suddenly blasted from his head
"I need you in me." She said, in a soft breathy voice. "I'm so horny for you." She licked her lips. To say that Kaiba was confused was a gross understatement. But that was nothing compared to what was about to happen.
Anzu suddenly took his hand & put onto her breasts.
Kaiba felt steam pouring out of his ears. Worst of all, any blood not rushing into his face was rushing…elsewhere. Even if it was Anzu, someone he could not stand, she was still a girl and he was a boy, a teenage boy…a teenage boy with hormones…and right now they were out of control.
"Wha…but…I…you…uh….what the…" Kaiba stammered.
"Do me right here in the classroom!" She wrapped her leg around his. "I want you discipline me for beginning a bad girl."
And Kaiba's will power gave out.
SPLORT!
Kaiba's nose erupted into a fountain of blood. He fell to the ground trying to stop the flow of blood from the sexual tension he was suddenly suffering. What the hell is going on?! The only woman he'd ever had feelings for was Ishizu and...wait…WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!?!?! WHY WAS HE THINKING LIKE THIS!!!
"KAIBA!" Anzu cried, jumping on him in a provocative manner. "I'll save you…with my breasts!" she declared, ripping her tube top off…leaving her totally exposed.
Kaiba's eyes practically bugged out of his head…but he managed to throw her off him and run out of the classroom.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?!" Kaiba screamed, running down the hall.Honda, Anzu and Yugi glanced out into the hallway.
"I declare, what's got him flustered?" Honda asked.
"I think it's sexy when he runs. His ass his so tight." Anzu said. "SHAKE IT BABY!"
"Shit…I knew that scrawny ass prick was fuckin' playin' for the other side. Didn't I fucking call it?" Yugi muttered under his breath.
"Indeed. That prediction of alternate sexual orientation was spot on." Honda replied.
Kaiba ran to the other side of the school and into the bathroom. He stood in front of the sink and turned the tap on. He splashed water onto his face to clean the blood off and hopefully, shock him back into reality.
"Keep it together man! I can get though this! I know I can!" he said to his reflection.
"Oh, is someone else there?" said a voice. Kaiba jumped and looked to see someone hiding in one of the stalls. He knew that voice.
"Ryuji?" He asked. He had the nagging desire to say Duke Devlin but he forced it back.
"Yeah, it's me." Kaiba blinked. His voice was cracking every few minutes like a dorky high school kid who hadn't hit puberty.
"Shouldn't you be with your squad of fan girls?" Kaiba said, leaning against the door.
'Girls? Are you crazy?! They scare me. That's why I hid in here." He said. Kaiba felt a big question mark pop up over his head.
"Since when?"
"Since always! Not to mention I'm the ugliest kid in school. It's so bad even the faculty have asked me to hid my face in class."
"That's ridiculous. Everyone knows you're a total pretty boy." Kaiba replied. And Kaiba dreaded what he was about to say but he didn't think at this point he had a choice. "Look, something weird is going on around here and so far, you've been the most sane person I've talked with." Kaiba grabbed the door and pulled it open. "So I was think…"
Kaiba got a good look at Otogi. He stared at him for a few seconds & then…
Kaiba knocked the door clean off its hinges running out of the bathroom, screaming as if the demons of Hell were on his heels. He covered his eyes, while charging down the hall.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Kaiba knocked over students left and right. He didn't care. He had to get away.
"IT BURNS!!!!" Kaiba shouted running down the hallway. "SOMEONE GOUGE OUT MY EYES!!!" He screamed again before running into someone. Kaiba was knocked to the ground. He looked only to find the last thing he would ever suspect.
"KATSUYA!" He shouted. Jounouchi looked down at Kaiba with the arrogant & intimidating gaze HE had perfected. It was a gaze that once scared Jounouchi but know he was using it on him! The other reason he stared & shouted was because he was wearing his Battle City outfit!
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY OUTFIT!?!?!?!"
"Your outfit? Stupid dog." Jounouchi said, tossing back his wheat blonde hair. This floored Kaiba. He dared to insult him...with his own insult?! "This was the outfit that I wore when I defeated Marik at Alcatraz Tower. Of course, it was easy. I am a superior duelist, not to mention its creator." Yet again, Kaiba's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates & his mouth dropped right to the floor. What made this…this…IDIOT think he was the master or creator of ANYTHING?!
"YO! SHIT HEADS! CLEAR A FUCKING PATH FOR THE GREATEST FUCKING DUELIST THAT'S EVER LIVED OR I KILL EVERY SINGLE LAST FUCKING ONE OF YA!" Yugi shouted. He pulled a gun out and fired a few shots into the air. The students bowed at Jonouchi's feet as he smirked arrogantly. Kaiba was shocked to hear such loud & violent words come from Yugi's mouth, not to mention to the gun.
"Great Scott, Kaiba! Get over here, mate!" shouted voice. He was dragged to the wall by non-other then Bakura. But it was weird. His voice sounded like a mix of British & Australian. Kaiba blinked in confusion.
"Bakura? What the hell is wrong with your voice?"
"What in bloody hell are talking about, ol' chap? Oi always speak like this." He said.
"Why do I have to do what Yugi tells me?" Kaiba asked, deciding to figure out Bakura's speech problem later and showing that he seemed to have forgotten about the gun.
"Cricky, are you bloody mad? Everyone knows Yugi is the toughest little bugger in Domino. He's like a rabid Dingo & Jack the Reaper combined…crumpets." Kaiba had NO CLUE what that was supposed to mean but he was pissed. He had enough. He forced Bakura away from him and stood, pointing a sharp accusing finger at Kaiba.
"Why are you bowing down to such an insignificant duelist?" Kaiba shouted at the crowds. There was a collective gasp. Jounouchi glared at him then laughed.
"GOD DAMN IT! LAUGH MOTHER FUCKERS!!!" Yugi shouted, firing off more warning shots. All the students started laughing loudly. Jounouchi snapped his fingers & they all instantly shut up.
"Because I happen to have most uber L33t deck in the history of uber L33t decks…because it contains these! THE POWERFUL GOD CARDS!"
"YOU LIE!" Kaiba snapped, feeling his blood boil by this point.
"I think not!" Jounouchi scoffed and flashed all the cards. "The God of Obelisk!"
"No! It can't be!" Kaiba shouted in disbelief. But Jonouchi was holding it.
"The Dragon God of Osiris!"
"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"
"The Sun God Ra!"
"This…this is…no…" Kaiba felt like his brain was over loaded.
"And my new God cards! Crocodile Lord Sobek!"
"What?! There is no fourth God Card!"
"Bastet, the Cat Goddess!"
"WHAT?!"
"Warrior Goddess Dragon, Hathor!"
"Those aren't-"
"Super Mega Awesome Gnarly God Named Brad!"
"Oh, come on! That one's not even real!"
"Face it, you inferior dog. You may have been the cream of the crop in your early days before I showed up but I own this game with an iron fist!" Jonouchi declared. And then he threw his head back and laughed. "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"
Kaiba couldn't function like this. He ran down the hall.
"NOT AN ALL YOUR BASE JOKE!!! IT'S A MADHOUSE!!!! A MADHOUSE I TELL YOU!!!" He shouted.
Jonouchi watched him run off as Yugi massaged his gun contently. Just then Honda, Bakura and Anzu walked over to them.
"Oh goodness, I hold optimism that Kaiba will be satisfactory sound tomorrow." Honda said. Otogi then walked over to them wearing the Dog Suit, the hood pulled down to hide his face.
"Shit, that pussy ass bitch hasn't been his fucking self all day." Yugi said. He cocked his gun and smirked sadistically. "I think we should kill him."
"Now, now. There's need for that just yet." Jonouchi said. "I say we see just what is going on before we make any other moves."
"But my trigger finger is getting itchy. I haven't capped anything in an hour!" Yugi whined. Jonouchi rolled his eyes.
"Then go kill something and we'll met up with you later." And without another word, Yugi ran down the hall, cackling madly. The others stayed.
"I impart we scrutinize his trajectory by departing in his wake lest we linger." Honda said, smoking a pipe. Where did he get one? Who knows and who cares?
"Yeah." Jounouchi said. "Get over here Ryuji! I'm not walking!"
"Yes master." Otogi said weakly. Jonouchi jumped on his back and smacked him in the head with his duel disk. Anzu, Honda and Bakura followed after them.
"I just want to make sure Kaiba's not seeing another bimbo." Anzu said.
"It would be a really bloody shame if that was the case…didgeridoo." Bakura said.
"Indeed." Honda said, putting on some glasses. Where did he get glasses? Who knows and who cares?
"Faster!" Jonouchi demanded.
"Yes master!"
Kaiba walked down the street in a stupor. He couldn't believe what he had witnessed today. It made his head spin thinking about it.
Mokuba was plotting Jonouchi's downfall. Yugi was a sadist. Ryou was from another country. Otogi looked like Qusimodo. Anzu was a slut. Honda was smart. Jounouchi was champion Duelist AND THE CREATOR OF DUEL MONSTERS.
And he still could believe what he had thought about Ishizu. What was going to happen next? Maybe he should just go home and curl up in his bed until the world made sense again. Hell, maybe the world would never make sense again. It sure felt that way. In his mystified state, he didn't notice someone walking in front him. So it surprised him when they ran into each other.
"Watch where you're going you baka!" said a voice. Kaiba knew that voice. It was Bakura's other personality. He turned to see & was once again surprised. He was wearing Yugi's Millennium Puzzle. Not only that but he had the Rod in one hand, the Scales in the other, The Ring, The Taku & the Anhk around his neck & The Millennium Eye was…well, where it should be.
"WHAT THE HELL!?" Kaiba shouted. "How…how…did…you get all the Items!?!" Yami Bakura blinked or more so winked after all he only had one eye now.
"I've always had them." He said. "It wasn't too hard to get them after all." Kaiba blinked in confusion. He should have expected this by now. Why did he think everything else would be normal? Was he in some alternate universe? Was this some kind of illusion Shadi had put in his head? He was pondering this over when suddenly he felt someone pinch his ass from behind. He jumped & turned to see Anzu.
"I couldn't help myself. You are just the hottest piece of Bishonen." She said, throwing herself on him once more. "I want to have your children."
"Get off me!" He shouted, thrashing around.
"HA HA!" Came a laugh from Yugi who walked over. "Can't handle a little T&A Kaiba?! I knew you where a chicken shit virgin!" Kaiba glanced over at short…and blood soaked boy who was holding a gym bag filled with guns, blunt objects and other devices of pain, all with a fresh coat of red "paint".
"It has become visible that our delegation has located our frenzied cohort." Honda said.
"Stop talking like that!" Kaiba shouted, trying to get Anzu off of him. Bakura & Otogi walked over to them. Yami Bakura's face lit up.
"Ryou-chan!" He shouted. He skipped over to Ryou & give him a big hug. "Oh I missed you so much, aibou." Kaiba's mouth dropped YET AGAIN! Yami Bakura HATED everything in creation, including adorable kittens and free chocolate but now he was hugging Ryou? Calling him Aibou? That was something Yami only did with Yugi. That's when he remembered. He hadn't seen him all day. The scene was interrupted when an announcement came from one of the shops.
"ATTENTION PLEASE! OUR MOST POWERFUL OVERLORD WILL NOW LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE MASSES! PLEASE HEAD TO THE NEAREST LOCATION WHERE YOU CAN SEE OUR MOST GREAT OVERLORD!"
"Overlord?" Kaiba said. He knew this wasn't going to end well.
"Shit, the Overlord is calling us. We better fucking move our asses over to Domino Station now, mother fuckers." Yugi shouted. So the group walked over to Domino Station, dragging a confused Kaiba along.
Honda was talking to Otogi about the principles of walking in words that Kaiba believed he was making up. Jonouchi was sitting on Otogi's shoulders, flashing his cards every now and then. Anzu in the mean time won't stop saying sweet nothings in his ear. Ryou & his Yami where skipping & singing as they want, arm in arm. This was all well and fine for Kaiba…except Yugi kept dashing off to bash people in the head with his crowbar at the order of Jonouchi. They arrived at Domino station & over to a group of people who where bowing down in front of a large display. The others did like wise, except for Jonouchi and Yugi, who stood. Kaiba rolled his eyes & sat down. Who was this overlord? The TV screen they sat in front of switch channels over to the 'overlord.'
The expression on Kaiba's face was priceless.
He was staring at Marik, donned in Pharaoh garbs.
"Greetings, infidels! I, your Pharaoh Marik, am pleased at the tributes that you have donated to me. As such, I will spare your worthless lives for another month. Now then, the reason I've called all of you sub-humans together is for an important announcement. I will be coming to Domino. And be warned I better see respect from you fools. I will accept no treatment that is less then what your mighty Pharaoh deserves. See you later, ignorant mortals!" Then he left the broadcast. Kaiba stood up.
"SINCE WHEN IS HE PHARAOH!?!?" He shouted. There was a pause before everyone started to laugh.
"Damn, Kaiba! Is your head up your ass? Marik has ALWAYS been the mother fucking Pharaoh. He's the fucking lord over this shit hole planet!" Yugi shouted. He should have expected this. Everything was backward, crazy and just plain fucked up!
"I thought Yami was Pharaoh!" Kaiba shouted. There was a pause.
"Who?"
Kaiba blinked.
"You know, the spirit who resides in the Millennium Puzzle, which by the way, why does Bakura have?" Kaiba said. Yugi glanced at him with a weird expression.
"Have you been smoking crack Kaiba?! I never had the fucking Puzzle." Yugi said. Then he grinned evilly. "But it would made for an awesome bludgeon." Kaiba felt like an anvil fell on him. His ultimate rival no longer existed? It was too much for him.
"NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!" He shouted, running away again.
"The fuck's his problem?" Yugi said.
He ran for miles before he slowed down and stopped in the park, panting heavily. Kaiba inhaled sharply and walked down the path when he saw three duelists he knew: Mako, Weevil & Rex. Kaiba blinked. Where did those names come from? He groaned when they noticed him.
"Oh look it's Kaiba!" Haga said. Kaiba walked over to them, wondering how they had changed. "Good to see ol' boy." Just what Kaiba needed. Another one talking sophisticated nonsense.
"What are you three doing here?" He said, slightly annoyed.
"I just fancied a stroll in the park. I hear you've gone off the deep end." Haga said.
"You're the one who's off the deep end!!!" Kaiba shouted, throwing his arms in the air.
"There's no reason to act like that ol' chap. Have you seen Joseph around? He's simply a marvelous duelist! I was quite taken back when he & Yugi both defeated me. I'll never forget my first meeting with the little scamp. Anyway I should hope to get through this park in one piece." Haga shouted. Kaiba raised his eyebrow in confusion.
"He's allergic to bugs." Ryuuzaki said, walking over to the two. Kaiba felt a HUGE Question mark fall over his head.
"Yes! Simply detestable creatures!" Weevil shouted
"I know how he feels." Rex said "Dinosaurs scare the Bejesus out of me! They're huge! They have big teeth! I want my mommy!" Rex shouted. The two boys both screamed & ran around in circles.
"CUT THAT OUT DAMN IT!" Kaiba glanced over to see Mako up in the tree. "And just what the hell are you doing up there?" Kaiba shouted.
"I'm trying to get as high as I can in case it floods!" Mako said. Kaiba tilted his head.
"But it's sunny out today!"
"It could be a flash flood!" He said, hugging the tree trunk. "I CAN'T SWIM! I'M HYDROPHOBIC!!!" Kaiba fell over, anime style.
"Someone shoot me." Kaiba said under his breath.
"Gladly." Came Yugi's voice, followed by a hail of gunfire. Kaiba ducked for cover and then Yugi noticed Haga and Ryuuzaki.
"AH! DIDN'T I TELL YOU DUMB FUCKS NEVER TO SHOW YOUR FUCKING FACES AROUND HERE AGAIN?!" Yugi shouted. "Come here you little ass hats!" He pulled out a big metal bat from his bag.
"AAAAHHH!!!! IT'S YUGI MUTO!!!!!! RUN!!!!!" They shouted, running away.
"COME BACK HERE, YOU DIPSHITS SO I CAN FUCK YOU UP!!!!" Yugi shouted with the air of a Yami Marik laugh. He chased them down & then bashed them repeatedly just like you would if you played Grand Theft Auto. Blood was flying everywhere as Yugi laughed like a mad man. "MERCY IS FOR THE WEAK ASSHOLES LIKE YOU!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!" He shouted. Yugi was drenched in blood, bits of bone & some of their internal organs. Yugi spun around and tossed the bat into the tree, hitting Mako in the head. He fell out of the tree & into a 2-foot deep fountain that was right beneath him.
"AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! I'M DROWNING!!!! HELP ME!!!!" Mako shouted. "I CAN'T SWIM!!!! I'M GONNA DIE!!!!!" He splashed around in the water, which he just as easily could have stood up in. Kaiba didn't want to stick around if Yugi decided to come after him so he ran out of the park.
Kaiba was out of breath again. He had been running everywhere today trying to get away from the insanity but the insanity didn't seem to want to leave him alone. He plopped down on a bus station bench to catch his breath. Just then he saw someone walking down the street. It was Mai…dressed as a nun. Would it ever end? EVER!?!
"Hello Kaiba. How are you doing?" Mai asked.
"Resting. I've been running everywhere." He said. Mai sat down on the bench next to him. She tilted her head. "I've been having a bad day. I don't feel like walking home."
"You poor thing." She said. "Here's a fifty for a cab!" Kaiba stared at her. She was giving money away? Giving to someone else?
"Uh…Thank you." He said.
"Well, I'm to donate my whole savings account to the local orphanage and then it's back to the convent to pray and read the good book. Peace be with you." And with that she walked away. Kaiba blinked a few times. Why bother? Just then he noticed someone new coming at him, Esper Roba, the psychic fraud from Battle City.
"Fuck." He muttered under his breath. Great? What am I going to do if the psychic fraud starts talking to me?
"He'll probably say that his psychic powers are quite real." Esper Roba said. Kaiba shouted in surprise.
"WHA?! I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!!!!" Kaiba shouted.
"But you thought it." Esper said.
"Since when have you been psychic?" He asked. Why did he ask? He knew the answer.
"Why, I was born the power of clairvoyance."
"Ok! Then read my mind!" Kaiba dared.
"Your thinking this is stupid." Esper said. "Now you're wondering how I knew that…Now you're thinking I'm a fucking freak of nature am I right?"
"OK! I'm thinking of num-."
"156,893,672…3…4…5."
"STOP THAT!" He shouted.
"My, aren't we up in a tiff today." Esper said, tossing his hair back.
"I thought that was just a way to scare that Dog Katsuya!" Kaiba said. Esper laughed.
"Don't be ridiculous! I would never use my powers on a duelist of his caliber besides; he is righteous & very selfless. He told me how Pegasus swiped his sister's soul. He went to Duelist Kingdom to get her back. Yugi went too for the prize money so he could save his grandfather's eyesight."
"THAT'S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED!" Kaiba shouted. Esper didn't listen to him.
"But I must say the funniest thing was when Honda went against Mai with his Fairy Deck. And then there was Anzu's duel against Mokuba. He used his three Blue Eyed White Dragons, which are SO easy to get by the way, to beat Anzu. A little shallow but not as bad as Battle City when..." Esper didn't get a chance to get another word out as Kaiba had run off already. Esper shrugged & continued on his way.
"YO! ESPER!" shouted a voice. It was Yugi & his gang. "Have you that Kaiba bastard?"
"Why yes. He just ran off in that direction." Esper said.
"We are honor-bound to you for your ministration." Honda said.
"Cheerio!" Ryou said, waving as they left. "Dingos!"
Kaiba had utterly exhausted himself. He didn't know what was normal anymore. God! If he only could get somewhere were he won't be surrounded by a bunch of bi polar people. He sighed loudly and walked into a café. He sat down and rested when a waitress came over to him. It was a short girl with blonde pigtails. He winced. He knew this girl from Mokuba. He had told him (back when he was normal) that there had been a girl who waited to duel Yugi for the Blue Eyes card he'd ripped up. Her name was Rebecca if he wasn't mistaken. He hoped she was normal. Wishful thinking but nice try, Seto-chan.
"What can I get for you?" she asked.
"Coffee…dark and strong…aren't you a little young to be working here?" he asked. She laughed as she poured him a cup.
"Funny. My husband says the same thing." She replied. Kaiba spit the coffee out as soon as he heard that. He went into a coughing fit.
"Hu…husband?!?!" he exclaimed.
"Yes. I got married after Yugi gave my back the Blue Eyes card." She held it up. Kaiba's mouth dropped open AGAIN! This was getting redundant. The card was in mint condition. Not even a scratch. But then again should he have been surprised.
"Rebecca-darling!" called a voice. He recognized it! But…it was impossible.
"NOAH-CHAN!" Rebecca shouted. Kaiba felt like someone hit him in the head with a lead pipe and now he was coming off the dizzy spell. He didn't know wither to faint, freak out or just run away like he'd been doing all day.
"Hello, Seto-chan." He said.
"What…are…you…" he stuttered. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A COMPUTER!"
There was a pause.
"Kaiba, are you feeling okay?" Noah asked, acting as if nothing had ever happened between them. Kaiba blinked a few times. "I trust that your brother will be ready with my plans on Monday?" he said.
"Plans?"
"I'm going to co-own Kaiba Corp. I mean, me and Mokuba already own Industrial Illusions so it just seems…"
"What about Pegasus?"
"Oh, he sold his company after he got married. Didn't he tell you?"
"To who?" Kaiba asked. Noah was ready to reply but then Honda walked into the café.
"Ah! Kaiba, my most cherished of all acquaintances. My associates and I have been looking ubiquitously for you."
"CAN'T I HAVE A MOMENT OF PEACE WITHOUT YOU FUCKWITS BOTHERING ME!?" Kaiba screamed, slamming his fists on the table.
"Where have you subsisted for the duration of this period?" Honda asked. "You must observe, our delegation has sustained a state of perplexity. Your mind appears to be functioning in veracity eccentricity!" Kaiba stood up and walked out of the café, shouting about psycho 10 year olds and made up words. Honda paid for Kaiba's coffee and left.
"What's Seto's problem?" Noah asked.
"I don't know, darling." Rebecca replied.
Kaiba walked up to the steps of his mansion later that night. As soon as he opened the door, he was met by loud screaming.
"KAIBA!" came an angry roar. Kaiba jumped…and saw Katsuya's sister standing in the foyer, dressed in an expensive looking dress with a sun hat, mink wrap and sunglasses. She looked like a "rich bitch." She stormed up to him, her face livid. "Why have you been avoiding my calls?!"
"…What?"
"Don't play dumb with me!" She shouted, backing handing across the face. Now, normally Kaiba would have never let this happen but he was in such a state of shock he never saw the blow coming. He stared at Shizuka in surprise. "Those checks you sent me bounced last week! I don't want to get my lawyer on the phone again! Our marriage may be over but I'm not over getting every last cent you own me. "
Kaiba's mind went blank.
"Marriage…WE'RE NOT MARRIED!"
"Oh, how I wish that was true, 2 years ago. You just had to go down on that little whore Anzu, didn't you! And this latest shit with you getting remarried is just plain tasteless!" Shizuka snapped. "Pay what you own or you'll be talking to my attorneys." And with that final word, she stormed past him and slammed the doors shut. Kaiba stood shell shocked for a few minutes with his eyes wide open.
"You sure can pick em, brother." Mokuba said, walking into the foyer. "By the way, you have people waiting for you in my office."
"Who's waiting?" Seto asked, fearing the response.
"That girl Ishizu!" Mokuba spat. "I can't stand that woman for even an instant. Find out what she wants and then get her out of here."
"Ok." He said, slowly.
"I'll be at the office to work on my newest duel disk Battle City 12," he said. Kaiba sighed & walked upstairs. He drew a parallel between how he felt now and how French citizen's felt as they where being lead to the guillotine. He knew what was waiting at the top of those stairs and he dreaded every step. Slowly, Kaiba was coming closer and closer to the threshold of Hell. But he knew that if he didn't confront these people then they would just find him. They would just keep coming until they drove him utterly insane. Kaiba stepped into the hallway and shuffled to the doors of his old home office, now apparently belonging to his younger brother & knocked on the door. He was surprised & shocked to see Yami Marik standing there. He smiled. Kaiba felt his courage shrink. What kind of torture did he have in store for him?
"Greetings Mr. Kaiba. It's very nice to see you again. Please come in. We've been expecting you." He said, bowing & moving to the side. Kaiba felt his brain go blank for a few moments.
Yami Marik…being nice…no mind traps…no sacrifices to Ra…
NOT EVEN AN INSUSLT?!
"Thank you." He said, sneaking in & away. He saw Shadi was here too as well as Ishizu & the 'Great Pharaoh' Marik who sat crossed legged on Kaiba's old desk. "What do you want?!" Kaiba shouted. "I've had enough nonsense to last me an eternity."
"That's no way to act in front of your most high pharaoh, Kaiba." Marik said.
"GIVE HIM A BIG HUG!" Shadi shouted. Kaiba jumped and blinked in confusion.
"What?" he was then bear hugged by Shadi who swung him around and ruffled his hair before setting him down. Kaiba landed on the floor with a yelp.
"You got any more coffee!?" He said again, a huge smile on his face and his eyes wide and excited. "HYPER! HYPER! COFFEE! CAFFENIE! WHHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" He then run around & jumped on Kaiba's desk and shouted "STOP…IT'S HAMMER TIME!" Shadi then broke out into insane break dance moves. Kaiba was at a loss for words, mostly because no one was stopping him or sharing his expression of disbelief. In fact, it was like they didn't even notice him.
"Moron!" Marik shouted, Yami Marik came over quickly.
"Yes Master?" he asked.
"Bring me a root beer for I am thirsty. And it better be cold!" Marik said,
"YES SIR!" he shouted.
"Well, I'm off to make some fresh cookies for everyone. And get the master's drink." Yami Marik said. "Tootle Lou!" He sang as he skipped out the door. Kaiba collapsed at the desk and into a chair after Shadi jumped down and began to take the sofa cushions in his office. He started to build a fort.
"So what is it that you want?" Kaiba finally asked, figuring he get this over with.
"Well, in the past I have usually taken up to staying in the most lavish hotels when I visit any city. However, I will only be in Domino for 5 days and despite my wealth, I wish not to pay for a room so…I demand residence here. I have brought my own servants so don't feel worry about being understaffed."
"Fine! Whatever! I don't care anymore!" Kaiba shouted.
"You seem rather uptight today." Marik said.
"Well…I…" Kaiba began but then the door opened up.
"Hi everybody!" Rishid shouted. Marik jumped off the desk & tackled Rishid in a hug.
"Rishid!!! You came!!! I'm so happy!!!!" Marik shouted hugging him. Kaiba was beside himself at this point. Marik wasn't nice to Rishid. No one was. He just sighed. Just then the door opened again and in the doorway was a blood soaked Yugi along with Anzu, Honda, Yami Bakura, Ryou and Jonouchi who was still sitting on Otogi's back.
"Heel, damn it!" Jonouchi shouted, smacking Otogi in the head. "I want to get off."
"Yes Master…"
"Fuck!" Kaiba moaned. Satan incarnate along with his Four Horsemen and the Anti-Christ stood in front of him. It was 5 feet high, with an absurd hairstyle and was soaked in the blood of other people. "Someone kill me."
"That can be arranged." Yugi said, preparing to Mind Club him in the head with his bat. Kaiba already annoyed, kicked him in the stomach, off his desk.
"OW! YOU FUCKTARD!" Yugi shouted. Kaiba smirked but that didn't last long because he felt someone grabbing him...grabbing HIS CROUCH!!! He stood up instantly. It was Anzu again!
"Nice pearls you have there, Kaiba. You got a package UPS can't deliver."
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU LITTLE SLUT!" He shouted, throwing her across the room and at Otogi, who was hiding in the corner.
"What's wrong, you little pussy? Afraid, you chicken-shit bitch?" Yugi said, laughing. Kaiba almost backhanded him but luckily he was stopped when Yami Marik reappeared in the doorway, donned in a pink apron and a big smile.
"Rejoice! I have returned from the kitchen with the master's beverage!" he said. "And I have fresh baked cookies as well."
"SHIT! Give me one!" Yugi shouted, turning his attention away from Kaiba. He grabbed the cookie & ate it then spit it out. "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS SHIT?!" FUCKING OATMEAL WITH FUCKING RASAINS?! YOU SHITHEADED DOUCHE BAG!!!! I'LL KILL YOUR FUCKING ASS YOU BASTARD!!!!!"
"AH! Don't hit me!" Yami Marik shouted running away. "Master! Help!"
"Ha, ha…no." Marik cackled, watching Yugi chase him out into the hall. Kaiba blinked and then turned to Shadi who had grabbed some cookies too.
"C IS FOR COOKIE! THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!"
"I do declare, Mister Shadi is quite upbeat today, isn't he?" Ryou said. Kaiba tilt his head over at him. He was speaking in a southern accent now.
"You got to be kidding me." Kaiba said with a sigh.
"Kaiba it is becoming evident of that you are the quintessence of disarray. What at the present moment is irksome to you?" Honda asked.
"You for one thing! Why are you here at all?" Kaiba shouted.
"Why, we are anxiety-ridden for your plight of mental balance. So our assemblage expedited to assess your current state of being."
"Would you stop talking like that?!"
"I do not comprehend your grievance. Could you be unambiguous in your description?"
"Look just get out of the way!" Kaiba shouted pushing Honda away.
"GET BACK HERE!" Yugi shouted and Yami Marik ran back in. He tackled (formally) evil alter ego and laughed. Jonouchi ran over to them and began to toss cards at Yugi. "BREAK IT UP YOU TWO!" He shouted, chucking cards like throwing stars.
"OW! FUCK! SHIT! OW! DAMN IT! OUCH! STOP!" He shouted. (Seriously, have you ever seen Kaiba when he throws cards at people? They turn into deadly assault weapons.) Yami Marik took his time to believe the belated beverage to his master.
"What's this?" Marik asked looking at it.
"Your root beer." Yami Marik said. Marik looked at him & then smashed the bottle over his head.
"I ASKED FOR MALT LIQUOR!"
"No, I'm pretty sure you said…"
"YOU DARE TO TALK BACK TO ME, YOU WORHTLESS PEON?!"
"No sir!"
"THEN GET BACK OUT THERE & DO WHAT I SAY!!!!!!!" Marik shouted.
"HAI!!!!!" He shouted, running away. Ryou shut the door after him.
"Thank you, Ryou. You're the only person I'm not killing when I find out just what is going on around here." Kaiba said.
"YOU THANKING VERY MUCH RYOU-SAN!!!" Ryou shouted. Kaiba did a double take. He was talking like a very bad translation of a kung-fu movie.
"What the hell? WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT!?!?! JAPANESE DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!!!"
"OH, ME SO SORRY!" Ryou said, walking towards his Yami.
"OH I love it when you do the voice!" Yami Bakura exclaimed turning bright pink. "Kiss me you beast!" He tackled his aibou to the ground and commenced making out him, rather loudly. Kaiba's face tightened into a snarl as he dug his fingernails into the chair's arms. It took so much self-control to keep himself from freaking out and screaming at the top of his lungs.
"It'll be okay, Kaiba-doll." Ishizu said walking over to him.
"I wish you had the Millennium Taku so you could have predicted this."
"It won't have mattered." Marik said, still hugging Rishid. "My sister is the most dense person on the face of the planet. She can't sense anything. And she doesn't understand anything about the Items, the Pharaoh, Yami no Games...anything." Kaiba looked at her while Ishizu just smiled.
"He's, like so telling the truth. I have like no rational thoughts in my head. Like totally!"
"Why are you talking like a valley girl?!" Kaiba asked, a vein piercing out of his forehead. His temper was REALLY being tested today.
"Hello? Like, I'm such a valley girl. Dude, like what's 411 with you? O RLY? OMG! LOL! WTF! NFW! FTW! BRB! TTYL!" Ishizu said, walking away. Just then the doors to Kaiba's office where slammed open by a kick. It was Mokuba.
"FINISHED! JONOUCHI, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!" Mokuba shouted running into the office.
"If insist! HAVE AT YOU!" Jonouchi proclaimed. He stopped launching cards at Yugi but that meant he was free to run after Yami Marik and try to kill him again. Yugi didn't care. He just wanted to kill. "I put my Flame Swordsman in Attack mode!"
"I summon the Blue Eyes White Dragon."
"Oh yeah!? Well I play all 12 of my Raigeki's at once!" Jonouchi shouted.
"Fuck no! I'll use all 27 of my Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragons to attack with the biggest fucking arsenal you ever seen! Neutron Blast!"
"Neutron Blast?! NEUTRON BLAST!?!?! IT'S ULTIMATE BURST!!!!" Kaiba shouted, not caring for the moment how Mokuba could have 27 Ultimate Dragons. He looked around the office. Bakura and Ryou where making out in front of his desk. Shadi had made a fort from the cushions in the corner. Honda was reading a Quantum Physics book. Jonouchi and Mokuba were dueling. He noticed that no matter how many cards they had on the field or how many they discarded the size of the deck seemed to be the same. Ishizu was texting people and giggling. Marik was sitting on top of Otogi, forcing him to give him a piggyback ride this time, with Anzu sitting in his lap.
"Move faster!" Marik shouted.
"Yes Master!" Otogi shouted crawling past Mokuba who summoned 36 Toon Dark Magician Girls while Jounouchi had 52 Harpies Feather Dusters sweep away all 77 of his United We Stand cards. Kaiba trembled, trying to keep the bitter rage from destroying his brain but it seemed the madness was winning.
"Don't be sad, Kaiba." Ishizu said, walking over to him.
"How can I not? LOOK AT THESE IDIOTS!" Kaiba shouted.
"Hey Kaiba! Your bitch of an ex is here." Yugi shouted, dragging a bloody and beaten Yami Marik by his hair. Shizuka brushed past him and stormed in.
"WHERE IS HE?!" Shizuka shouted. "That bastard brother of his took my keys and I…"
That's when she noticed Anzu and the two glared at each other.
"You bitch!" Anzu shouted.
"WHORE!" Shizuka shouted back.
"HUSSY!"
"CU-" Shizuka didn't get to finish because Anzu tackled her and began to wrestle with the other woman. The claws were out on this one.
"CAT FIGHT!" He yelled…and without warning Noah, Esper, Rebecca and Mai came out of nowhere. "Placing all bets!"
"I got 200 on Anzu!" Rebecca shouted.
"500 on Anzu!" Noah shouted.
"10,000 on Shizuka…as I already know the outcome." Esper said.
"Children, don't do this!" Mai shouted. "You are corrupting the souls God gave you!" Everyone stopped and stared at her, even Anzu and Shizuka. Yugi shoved her into the match with a shout and the fight continued.
"300 on Mai!" Yugi shouted.
"I play my 1,923 Red Eyes Black Dragons!" Jonouchi shouted.
"Oh yeah! I play all 22,580 of my Swords of Revealing Light!" Mokuba shouted. And just as the noise and insanity level reached its peak, Shadi suddenly burst out of his fort and jumped onto Kaiba's desk. He then made a declaration for all to hear!
"LET'S DO THE CHICKEN DANCE!" He shouted.
THEN MUSIC FROM THE FIREY DEPTHS OF HELL ENTERED THE ROOM!
Everyone broke into a dance, the Chicken Dance that is! Kaiba banged his head on the desk repeatedly. He kept doing it until he felt dizzy, until his forehead began to bleed, until he fell over.
Kaiba felt the outside world come back into focus slightly. He kept his eyes closed as if to keep the outside world from coming back to haunt him. He felt movement next to him. And then he someone kiss his lips. Probably Anzu again! WHY BOTHER!?! She would keep coming until she was satisfied. Then he heard someone speak.
"Kaiba-boy!" Kaiba's eyes practically popped out of his forehead. "I love you." He glanced over to see PEGASUS SLEEPING NEXT TO HIM!
Kaiba shouted so loud that the author's roommate in the USA paused her search for Yaoi to wonder who was shouting outside. He jumped 10 feet in the air. The problem with this was his bedroom was only 8 feet high so naturally he crashed through the ceiling and fell back through his own hole. Landing on the bed again, he bounced off and was knocked to the floor.
"What's wrong, sweet heart?" Pegasus asked. He then noticed his finger. A WEDDING BAND! Then he remembered Noah said Pegasus got married before he sold his company but…NO! IT COULDN'T BE! SAY IT AIN'T SO! Kaiba backed up against the wall and stared at Pegasus, his blushing…uh…groom…er…bride…bridegroom? "I can't believe you still have energy after all that sex we had."
That was it…
The straw that broke the camel's back…
Kaiba felt like he was having a seizure. His eyes twitched, his body was racked in violent shaking and he began to make strange noises in the back of his throat.
That's when Kaiba's sanity snapped.
UP BECAME DOWN!
LEFT BECAME RIGHT!
WHITE BECAME BLACK!
COKE BECAME PEPSI!
KENJIROU TSUDA BECAME ERIC STUART!
And finally his brain shut down and he fainted.
The next morning, Kaiba woke up in his bedroom. He sat up with a shout and looked around. He checked his closet. HIS TRENCHCOATS HAD RETURNED! Oh Joy of Joys! And if that was true, then everything else must have fallen back into normal order as well! Kaiba shook his head. He didn't want to think about it anymore as he went about to get ready for work.
In the real world, a girl began to laugh at Kaiba. She logged off her computer.
"Satisfied?" she asked an elderly gentleman who stood next to her. It was none other the Sugoroku Muto, Yugi's grandfather.
"Yes. I think all that was enough to traumatize him for life." He said. "I finally got my revenge on Kaiba for destroying my card." He shook the young girl's hand. "I'm very happy Yugi suggested you, Ms. Spectrum. You did an excellent job. I'm very pleased with the results."
"All in a day's work." She replied.
"And as promised." He said, handing her a contract.
"Alright! My blackmail dates with Yugi, Yami, Marik, Ryou and Otogi. It was a pleasure doing business with you." She said.
"Your welcome." He said, walking out of her office door. Solaris Spectrum cracked her knuckles and began to type once more.
THE END…or is it? Is it? Can someone tell me? I really don't know. It is? Okay. Good.