He's thinking about her again...
After all these long and painful years, he still couldn't forget her. He carried her smile in his mind like a keepsake, holding onto it whenever he was sad or depressed. He remembered her dark brown, shining eyes that would take his breath away every time he would gaze deeply into them. He remembered her voice, soft and sweet, just like the sweetest melody on his mother's piano. He remembered her beautiful long, dark brown hair that fell down her back like long chocolate waves till it reached the seductive shape of her hips. Her beauty was astonishing, breathtaking, her face lightning up with every joke he said, every compliment he gave her. He wanted nothing more but to see her smile. She was charming, smart, gentle, kind; she was amazing. He couldn't choose the right words to describe her. She was perfect. Pure. Wonderful.
She was a star, his star, around the empty and cold darkness of Jump Zero.
Rahna meant a lot to him back on Jump Zero. His heart fluttered every time he would talk to her as the chocolate depths of her eyes mesmerized him, rendering him speechless. Every night before sleep time, she and her friends would invite him for a play of cards, hoping to shake off the weight of their problems and exhaustion from their shoulders. She was always kind and gentle to everyone, even after a hard and strenuous day she would make them laugh and forget their worries. Seeing Rahna depressed was a rare sight.
They would sit on the floor in a small circle, the cards scattered between them. He sat opposite of her so he could look at her from underneath his eyelashes while he pretended to look at his cards. Sometimes she would catch him staring, then she would send him a warm and sincere smile. The smile stunned him and he needed a couple of seconds to bring himself to look away. Embarrassment then colored his cheeks. After a while she would turn to the others and Kaidan would take the time to admire her again. He watched her relaxed yet exhausted features as she spoke, her celestial voice mending the wounds on his soul and heart.
An hour or so later, everyone would retreat to their rooms one by one, the exhaustion too much to bear anymore. He always fought with the weariness as he tried to stay for as long as possible only so he could have a few moments alone with her; to enjoy the smile she directed only at him.
He remembered one particular evening, one that would always be branded into his memory. Everyone retreated to their quarters, the only ones left in the room were Kaidan and Rahna. She yawned, her small and delicate hand covering her mouth before she caught him staring at her, again. The laugh she let out in embarrassment was honest, almost girly, and Kaidan couldn't help but join her laughter as embarrassment colored his cheeks as well. Seconds later, he willed himself to stand up as he realized she was tired and that she needed her rest. He needed it too, but being around Rahna made him forget about his weariness; he was never tired when she was around him.
Feeling the silence creep into his bones, he scratched the back of his neck, nervously thinking of something to say since it would be too rude to leave without saying something. They were friends, but the feelings Kaidan had for her only made this friendship harder for him. He was the one who had to keep a certain distance between them and watch that he didn't cross the line between friendship and lover. But God help him, that was all he wanted to do. Suddenly she stood up as well and crossed the distance between them, the heat she radiated increasing his already frantic heartbeat. He didn't know what was wrong with him, but with her around him he couldn't think straight.
He caught her eyes searching for something on his face but he could only guess what, her sincere expression gave nothing away. Gulping, he finally found the strength to leave when suddenly their eyes met, the smile returning to her beautiful face. He was smiling, but his mind couldn't think straight when her small hand took his. In an instant he felt his heart thumping against his chest, the heat going up to his ears as the sweet smile remained on her face.
"Kaidan," she called, her voice slightly above a whisper. His name leaving her lips was the most sweetest thing he had ever heard. He was silent, unable to come up with proper sentences as her eyes rendered him speechless. He swallowed and blushed, feeling very embarrassed for being at a loss of words because of a girl.
"Rahna," was all he managed to say, his voice husky and low, even trembling. Dear God, she is going to be the end of me, he thought as she brought her face closer to his, prompting her height on her toes. His heartbeat grew frantic, holding his breath as she stopped only a few inches away from his face, her breath tickling the skin of his cheek. He felt the soft pressure of her warm, soft lips pressing against is cheek. The feeling was so mind numbing that it forced his eyes shut. She held her lips there for a while and Kaidan had to admit that no girl ever made him feel like Rahna did. Sure, he kissed a few girls before, but never, ever did a girl set his heart on fire.
She broke the small kiss after a while and looked away as a small, nervous smile appeared on her face. Shifting awkwardly on her feet, she took a step away from him and he immediately felt the loss of her warm body next to his. Kaidan was seventeen and he knew the way his body reacted to women he found attractive, and it definitely reacted to Rahna, immensely, but he didn't want to press on the matter. He knew Rahna, and he knew that she wanted nothing else of him, even though he wanted all of her. She lowered her head a little and looked at him from under her eyelashes, catching the small glimpse of light going from her deep chocolate eyes.
"Good night, Kaidan. See you tomorrow," her voice was low and sweet when she spoke.
He swallowed hard as he drank in her beauty, knowing that soon he would have to face the cold and empty space of his quarters. "Good night... Rahna." He said to her, his voice slightly above a whisper as he finally tore his eyes away from her.
He turned towards the door and as they slid open he turned around, giving her a warm, reassuring smile before he finally found the strength to leave her quarters. He breathed steadily, trying to lower down his reaction to her. He would not have sex with her, not with Rahna; not until she was ready for that at least. The friendship they shared was just too precious to him, he couldn't risk losing her even as friend. That was a side of him that he sometimes grew to hate; that side prevented him to just go to her and claim what he desired for so long, like some other boys would do.
The distance between his room and Rahna's was short thankfully, he entered and the door slid close behind him. He changed into his pajama and lied down on the bed, crossing his arms behind his head as he stared at the ceiling, thinking about nothing else but that sweet kiss of hers. A smile appeared on his face as he remembered her scent and the pressure of her soft lips on his cheek. It still burned from her kiss and he couldn't help but wonder how her lips would fit on his, how his tongue would dance around hers. He closed his eyes as the exhaustion of the day finally crushed on him, but her smile was still in his mind, and the memory of the sweet kiss slowly lulled him into sleep.
####
He stared at the control screen of the Normandy, sitting next to Joker as his mind drifted off to his past, back to Rahna. He didn't know why he remembered her at times like these when the last thing he was allowed to do was getting distracted. They were heading towards a colony named Eden Prime on a shakedown run, but he sensed something else going on here. And to make things worse they had a new commanding officer on board.
He didn't knew much about her, only what he heard from the others or read in her files. She had a rough childhood, her parents left her on the streets when she was eight, and they never looked or searched for her again. They vanished and they left her on the streets to rot, he wondered what kind of parents could do that to their own child. He also heard of a mission going terribly wrong and her losing her entire unit. She ended up badly wounded and barely made it out alive, thus earning the nickname 'sole survivor'.
That's all he knew about Commander Jane Shepard. He never saw her in real life, and to be honest, he didn't care. He would be the obedient Lieutenant and he would do his best to make the galaxy a much safer place. Still he couldn't ignore the excitement that rang through his body, waiting impatiently to finally meet her and get it over with. Something drew his attention to his back and he turned around, only to see Nihlus standing behind them. Kaidan immediately felt a cold shudder running down his spine.
It wasn't because Nihlus was a Spectre send by the Council to keep an eye out on them, or the fact that he was an arrogant turian. It didn't even bothered him that he was alien, a turian. But one thing made his heart clench every time he saw not just Nihlus, but every turian. It wasn't their fault, he knew that and he never resented any of the other races. Whenever he saw a turian his mind immediately showed him flashes of the memories he so wanted to change or forget.
Those memories made him think about his former Commander Vyrnnus who particularly disliked humans. Kaidan's hands turned to fists as the memory played in his mind, and he felt terrible because there was no way he could block those images...
####
They came back from a very dangerous and strenuous mission, their bodies were sore, bruised, injured, weak... all of them similar to walking zombies, but it seemed to everyone their new Commander didn't care about that. All he wanted were results, good results, and that was why he was pushing the teenagers to their breaking point. His methods were brutal, yet Kaidan had to admit also efficient; he surprised even himself at the biotic potential he unlocked since Vyrnnus started training them.
One of them died today, Willy, a dear friend to Rahna and Kaidan. He was thirteen and the new training methods hit him hard. Vyrnnus ordered him to sprint up the hill while he had to use his full biotic potential. He ran until he collapsed, flaring in a final, bright blue light until his body gave into the exhaustion and stress. His lungs didn't draw breath and any help came too late.
Rahna was still crying on Kaidan's shoulder as he comforted her, trying to get a sense at how someone could be so cold; the image of Willy collapsing on the group was still burden into his memory. He doubted he could ever forget that sight. Vyrnnus was pushing the kids to their limits, not caring if they will make it out alive or not. Weaklings are not welcome anywhere, Kaidan remembered the turian Commander yelling at them while they ran up the cliff. The running part wasn't that difficult, but what made it difficult was Vyrnnus throwing exploding crates at them. They had to use their biotics to hurl them away and continue running.
Shaking his head, he banned the images from today and focused instead on the girl in his arms. Kaidan pulled Rahna into his embrace the second they entered her quarters, and that's when her sobs became more frequent and louder than before, her body shaking with every sob she let out. She buried her face in his shoulder, her hands grabbing fistfuls of his shirt. Kaidan's heart broke at the sight of her so frightened but there was little he could do. He wanted to avenge Willy, but that would only bring him his own death.
"He's gone Kaidan. Poor Willy is gone!" Rahna spoke into his shoulder, her voice trembling and breaking at every word.
He didn't know what to say in that moment, instead he just tightened his grip around her, hoping she would find solace in his arms. He stroked her hair as he stared at the floor, his eyes wide in anger, infuriated that he was too weak to punch the turian fucker back into the stone age.
Rahna's cries filled the room as she started to shake more violently. He pulled away and cupped her face with his hands, her red and swollen eyes looking at something else. He smiled reassuringly but he didn't know how to cheer her up after everything that happened. Gentle words couldn't erase the horror they witnessed here every day.
She trembled hard as he wiped away her tears with his thumbs. Realizing that she won't calm down that fast he decided to grab her a glass of water.
"I'll be right back," he reassured her to the questioning and scared look on her face. He stood up and turned when the doors slid open. Kaidan stopped dead in his tracks as he stared at the person that was leaned against the doorway. He swallowed hard and quickly saluted the Commander before things could escalate. Rahna stopped crying and Kaidan caught her standing up on wobbly legs before she stood at attention as well.
Vyrnnus stood there, silently observing them with his cold black eyes, his hands leaned on his back as his mandibles twitched in what Kaidan guessed was anger. "Off to the briefing room... the both of you." He ordered them before he swiftly turned around and left.
Kaidan walked back to Rahna and gently placed his arm around her shoulders as they both made their way out to the briefing room. Kaidan was furious, but he had to control his temper or he would lose control over his biotics.
Minutes later they reached the briefing room. Vyrnnus was already sitting on his chair at the peak of the table. He eyed them angrily before he pointed his head to the nearby chairs, showing them to sit down. Kaidan knew it would do them no good to disobey his order so he led Rahna to the chair before he pulled it out so she could sit down, but Vyrnnus wouldn't have it.
"She is old enough to know how to sit down herself!" He yelled through the room, clearly annoyed of the way how Kaidan took care of Rahna.
Kaidan reluctantly stepped away even though all he wanted was to sit down as close to her as possible. He spotted two glasses of water placed in the middle of the table, and kicked himself mentally when he almost stood up to grab her a glass. Kaidan could feel the turian's eyes directed at him as if daring him to take a glass. He gave his best not to flinch when their eyes met; he didn't want to show the Commander that he was afraid of him.
Vyrnnus turned his pointed gaze at Rahna as he spoke, his tone harsh. "People die on the battlefield. Are you going to cry over all of them?"
Kaidan narrowed his eyes at the turian Commander and just couldn't keep quiet. Anger clouded his mind when he heard just how Vyrnnus spoke to her. "He was just a child!"
Without a warning Vyrnnus stood up and slammed his fist into Kaidan's face. He didn't fell off the chair, but the punch was hard enough to feel his face numbing and pulsing from the sudden pain. Rahna gasped as she witnessed what just happened, silent tears falling down her face.
Vyrnnus leaned his face inches away from Kaidan's, his black turian eyes stealing his breath away as Kaidan decided to meet that ugly gaze. "You're playing the hero again, Alenko. Watch your tongue, or I will make sure you lose it." After he voiced his threat he settled back in his chair and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Kaidan's face was burning from the punch, his jaw slowly getting numb as he tasted the iron taste of blood in his mouth.
Kaidan noticed the turian was watching Rahna, he turned his head a little aside only to see her staring back at the Commander. Kaidan saw the the look of horror on her face and that only deepened the urge to kill that turian bastard. He turned his gaze back to Vyrnnus and caught the expression of pure amusement plastered on his face. He knew Vyrnnus enjoyed the feeling of superiority.
"Why don't you take a glass of water?" His voice was surprisingly calm and low. Rahna didn't know what to do so she glanced at Kaidan, who still rubbed his jaw with his hand as a small amount of blood ran down his lips. He noticed the questioning look she sent him and nodded, showing her she should do what Vyrnnus said.
Rahna took a deep breath as she slowly stood up from her seat before reaching her hand out for a glass of water. Vyrnnus kept his gaze on her, his narrowed black eyes staring at the girl who had biotic abilities, yet she stood up and reached her hand out for the glass. That sight made him furious.
Something snapped in Vyrnnus, his anger growing until he couldn't hold it anymore. He stood up from his chair and just when Rahna was about to take the glass, he used all force he had and slammed his hand on Rahna's reached out hand. He had augmented armor, his hand now hard and heavy as stone, and with a loud crack Rahna cried out in pain, her right hand broken.
She fell on the floor, her loud cries filling the room. Kaidan sat in his chair as he watched Rahna lying on the floor crying in agony, her right arm broken badly. Red rimmed his vision as he slowly registered what the hell just happened. Without thinking he stood up and punched the turian Commander right in his face. Kaidan put his entire strength into that punch, but it did little damage; it only served to piss the Commander even more off.
Vyrnnus lost control completely, he grabbed Kaidan by his collar and pulled him chest to chest before he started to hit Kaidan's nose with his forehead, brutally. As if that wasn't enough he started to punch his stomach, his hits matching the anger he must be feeling right now. Kaidan didn't knew how much longer he could take the beating, his mind was already slipping away.
He threw Kaidan on the floor as the blood seeped from his nose. Somewhere in the distance of the room he could hear Rahna screaming in pain, he glanced around quickly before he spotted her and the damage the turian Commander had done; her right hand was almost broken in half, the blood squirting from an open wound that caused the broken bone. Her hand was held together only by her skin.
Kaidan turned his head back in time to see Vyrnnus getting closer to him. His eyes fell to his hand and he panicked when he saw the Commander approaching him with a knife. Kaidan saw his life flashing before his eyes as he desperately tried to get up, but he couldn't; his head was throbbing with pain and his vision blurry, his body numb from all the beating.
"I never liked you, Alenko," Vyrnnus spat his name as he continued his little speech, "Now I have the opportunity the get rid of you... the both of you."
Something snapped in Kaidan. He understood, he even accepted, that Vyrnnus wanted to kill him. But why Rahna, he wondered. What has she ever done to him? The questions kept popping up in his mind, he could feel the anger and adrenaline pumping through his veins, giving him new strength.
He slowly stood up as the blue-purple light of his biotics engulfed him, his anger growing to the degree where he couldn't hold his powers under control anymore. Kaidan stood a few feet away from the Commander, his biotics flaring around him and ready to be launched. Vyrnnus saw his biotics flaring and he laughed, amused by the sight before him and showing him that he wasn't scared of him the tiniest bit.
He launched on Kaidan, headstrong and overconfident, which was a terrible mistake. Without the time to react, without really knowing what happened in these mere seconds, Kaidan lifted his leg towards Vyrnnus' face as he launched on him, his entire biotic strength directed into that leg. Vyrnnus' head snapped aside, his eyes widening at the hit until he flew back into the wall. Something cracked, very loudly, and Kaidan immediately knew what cracked when he saw Vyrnnus lying on the floor, his head hanging aside in an abnormal way.
Minutes passed, Kaidan's temper and adrenaline decreasing and his breathing returning to normal as he realized the turian Commander was dead. Tearing his gaze away from the dead body in front of him he turned to Rahna, noticing that she was lying unconscious on the floor. He panicked and ran towards her, ignoring the fresh blood on his face and the immense pain for the moment. It was Rahna who mattered, and the way she was lying there, not moving and bloody, terrified him.
"Rahna? Rahna!" he yelled as he shook her body hard, hoping to wake her up; but she just lied there in his arms, not responding to his yelling or shaking of her body. Without thinking he stood up and pushed the emergency button on the wall. Every room had this button in case something happened somewhere to the kids so the paramedics could intervene as soon as possible.
He stood there as the alarm rang, staring down at Rahna lying almost lifeless on the floor. Tears welled up in his eyes, his body started to shake and the pain slowly took over his body as the adrenaline started to ebb away. He glanced at Vyrnnus and finally realized what exactly he had done.
You killed your Commander, Kaidan, a voice whispered in the back of his mind.
The medics ran into the briefing room, one immediately running to Vyrnnus before kneeling down next to him. Kaidan watched the medic inspecting the Commander with her omni-tool, looking at his demolished neck and spine. The medic turned to the other medics and shook her head, showing them the Commander couldn't be save. Two of the medics came to Rahna and lifted her on the emergency bed before they made their way out to the medical station. One approached him and inspected his face, his nose, his body. Kaidan could feel the weariness settling in as the pain in his face increased, slowly becoming unbearable. He lost consciousness, the face of the medic that inspected him the last thing he saw. Much later, he woke up in the medical station lying on the bed.
His eyes adjusted to the bright light in the room as his hand came up to his face, feeling sensitive and bruised skin under his fingertips. He groaned at the numbness of his face, and in a flash he saw an unconscious Rahna lying on the floor. He sat up in hope to see Rahna on the bed next to his, but he was disappointed when he realized he was alone in the room. He saw some clean clothes placed neatly on the nearby shelf. He changed into them and stood up from the bed on wobbly legs, but soon found his balance. He had to see if Rahna was alright.
He stepped out of his room and noticed two of Rahna's friends standing outside a room down the hall talking with each other. They stopped talking though as soon as they spotted him approaching. Kaidan ignored the looks they sent him and instead went to enter the room, hoping that Rahna was in there.
"It's better if you don't enter Kaidan." One of them said.
He turned to them with a questioning and confused look on his face. "What happened? Why can't I enter?" he asked, surprise and worry mixed in his voice.
The two of them glanced at one another before Rahna's friend Ina spoke to Kaidan. "She is, uhm... sleeping. Come back later."
Kaidan narrowed his eyes and turned to the door, he could hear people talking inside, their voices hushed. Ignoring Ina's warnings completely he pushed the door open and entered the room. There he saw the small circle of friends standing around the bed, around Rahna, and the worry left him the moment he spotted her on the bed, her broken arm wrapped in a bandage. He didn't notice the smile disappearing from her face as soon as she spotted him.
The others made room for Kaidan and he sat down on the bed next to her, a warm smile directed at her. It surprised him when Rahna turned her head away from him, wondering why she'd done it. He tried to take her healthy hand in his but she flinched and snatched her hand away as soon as their skin made contact.
Kaidan furrowed his brows as he tried to realize what was going on. He glanced up at the others, but they averted their gazes to the floor. Confused and worried, he looked back at Rahna and saw her struggle to stop fidgeting on the bed.
"Rahna?" he said her name, the confusion rang loudly in his voice. She whimpered almost inaudibly and bit her lower lip as she closed her eyes. Kaidan couldn't hold his curiosity at bay any longer. "Rahna… what happened?"
It was then her gaze met his, he could see the sadness hidden in the chocolate pools of her eyes. His chest tightened at the sad and frightened look she was giving him.
"Who are you?" she asked, her voice low and filled with sadness.
He blinked twice as he tried to make sense of what she'd just said. "Rahna what-"
"Where is the sweet, lovely, caring and calm Kaidan I know?" she interrupted him before he could finish his question. He still couldn't understand her. He tried again to take her hand in his, but she refused any contact with him. Kaidan stared at her, his mouth agape and eyes wide, not able to grasp the situation.
"Rahna… what have I done?" his voice was desperate, trembling, the fear accelerating his already frantic heartbeat.
Rahna shook her head as she closed her eyes, tears she managed to fight back till now slowly rolling down her face. "You killed him Kaidan," she whispered, "You lost control. That's what happened."
Kaidan blinked a few times as he tried to process what she just said, the fear slowly clouding his mind as he understand what she had tried to tell him.
"Rahna… he would've killed us if I hadn't been faster." He tried to reason with her; to show her he did the right thing by killing that bastard.
That brought a bitter smile to her face. "You could've knocked him out, injure him… but not kill him." Her eyes met his, and all he could see in them was fear and sadness. "I'm scared," her voice shook before she took a deep breath to finish her sentence, "of you… Kaidan. You frighten me."
She would never know what her words did to him, never even understand how these simple words shattered his heart. He stared blankly at her as he tried to concentrate to breathe, but every attempt to draw breath was harder than the one before. He blinked a few times, his throat and mouth suddenly dry as he tried to talk to her, to show her that he was still the same.
"Rahna… it's still me, Kaidan," his voice was desperate, showing the upheaval of emotions he tried to hide. He tried to take her hand in his one last time, but she shied away from him and refused to meet his gaze.
"Kaidan, please leave. I don't know who you are anymore."
There was little else that he could do than stare at her completely dumbfounded and broken. He just sat there for a while longer, watching her as she silently cried. Kaidan never felt this abandoned in his entire life.
Accepting defeat, he slowly he stood up from the bed before he made his way out of the room, feeling as if he was trapped in a nightmare as he fought with his own tears. Moments later, he entered his room.
He collapsed on his bed, face first and buried his face in a pillow, as the events of the day slowly started to wear him out. Everything was just too much in that moment and Kaidan couldn't fight back the tears anymore. He remembered his family, his friends, and he remembered the happy times he spent with Rahna. Rahna was everything he had in this god forsaken station, she was the light at the end of the tunnel; but that seemed lost now.
In the next few months they barely saw each other. She was avoiding him and he didn't want to bother her. He hoped if he kept his distance that she would return to him, but the distance that was between them made it only worse. It came to that point that she took separate classes, separate training grounds; everything, only to avoid him. She was scared of him, and that thought broke him.
All he wanted was to hold her, and one day if the universe allowed so, even marry her. But that was gone now, all hope to a future with her, gone; because he lost control.
He watched her from a distance, watched her laugh, smile, how relaxed she was around the others; but her features tensed as soon as she would spot him. He hated himself for that.
A few days before BAaT was shut down he received a letter from her that said that she was sorry for the things that happened between them, and that she always wanted to be more to him but never had the courage to approach him. She told him she was returning to Earth to her parents, and, if he changed and became the old Kaidan again, he could come and visit her.
Kaidan thought about everything that happened in the past few months as he looked into the emptiness of space outside the window in his room. He would change, he would become a different person.
But he would never be the same Kaidan again.