Elliot pulled open the door to the party room, and ushered Kathy inside. He heard an exclamation from her. Surprise. Delight. He didn't know.
"This is beautiful!" Kathy exclaimed, confirming the latter.
Elliot looked around the room; the party room that sat at the top of Alex's apartment building. Soft music was playing in the background, the lights were dim, and the room was decorated with white lights, beautiful chandeliers, and white tulle. He walked in a little farther, letting the door close behind him, and scanned the room. "Uh-huh." He answered absent-mindedly. He was looking around the room, taking it all in, but subconsciously, he was looking for Olivia.
"I thought you said there weren't going to be many people here." Kathy said, clutching his elbow. "There has to be at least 100!"
"Yeah, well…" His words were cut off by someone saying his name, and he turned to his left to see Alex approaching. She looked genuinely surprised to see him, but when she reached them, she wasted no time introducing herself to his wife. He heard Kathy introduce herself and saw her shake Alex's hand, and then he heard a comment from Kathy about Elliot being surrounded by beautiful women at work. He smiled and pretended to listen as they talked, but his eyes were tracking around the room. It only took moments before he spotted Olivia across the room.
She wasn't facing him, but was turned at an angle so that he could see her face. She was talking to some man, and she was smiling up at him as they spoke. He saw the animation in her face…the smile that went to her eyes…and felt a pang in his gut. His eyes traveled downwards, barely registering the black sequined dress…the outline of her body. All his attention was focused on this man's hand on her hip…resting there lightly…intimately. He looked back up at the smile on her face…and then flashed over to the man standing in her space. He knew two things immediately.
She knew this man.
She liked his hands on her.
He felt Kathy's fingers dig into his elbow and he looked over at her. She was looking at him with wide eyes, and had cocked her head towards Alex. "I said we brought some wine."
Elliot nodded and handed the wine to Alex with a smile. "Oh yeah. We didn't know what to bring so…"
"You didn't need to bring anything." Alex said. "But thank you. I'm glad you were able to come after all." Alex looked back and forth between them, and Elliot held eye contact as she spoke. "Elliot said you had some neighborhood party."
"Yeah…" Kathy said, shifting next to Elliot. "Elliot decided to surprise me with a night in the city." She smiled up at him. "We had a sitter anyway, so we asked her to stay the night."
Elliot saw Alex raise her brow. "Well, that's certainly romantic." She gave him an amused look, and then she turned so she was facing the room in front of them. "The bar is over there." She said, pointing to the left side of the room." And there's some food over there." She pointed to the right.
"This room is beautiful." Kathy said. "With all the floor to ceiling windows, it makes it feel so open. And it's a beautiful view of the city."
Kathy still had her arm linked through his. "Don't you think so?"
Elliot looked down at her…at the smile on her face…and gave her a small smile back. He knew that beneath its' glossy exterior, the city was teeming with predators and abusers. It didn't hold the same luster as it did for her. He placed a hand over hers and smiled. "Yes."
"One of the perks of living in this building." Alex said. "But I had to reserve it two years ago. Everyone wants to have a New Year's Eve party up here."
"Well, thanks so much for inviting us." Kathy said.
"Sure." Alex said, a genuine smile on her face. "John showed up tonight too, much to my surprise." She leaned in towards Elliot. "And he brought a date."
Elliot raised an eyebrow. They knew about Munch's ex-wives, but they hadn't heard about anyone special in his life recently. "I can't wait to meet her." Elliot glanced casually over towards Olivia. "I see Liv's here already." He said, and Kathy glanced over in the direction he was looking. Elliot swung back to look at Alex. "Who's the man she's talking to?"
"Andrew." Alex said, as if she was reminding him.
Elliot didn't recognize the name, and it must have been written on his face. He saw a look of surprise on Alex's face.
"Andrew McDermott. Liv's boyfriend."
Boyfriend. Not date.
"I didn't know Olivia had a boyfriend." Kathy said, her voice slightly brighter…lighter somehow. "You never said anything."
Elliot looked down at her, noticing the slight change in her demeanor. He didn't share her enthusiasm. "Let's get a drink."
They wandered over to the bar, and Elliot saw some familiar faces along the way. People he'd seen in the courtroom in one capacity or another; he assumed everyone here was a cop, lawyer or in social work of some kind. Kathy was asking him about Olivia's boyfriend again as they approached the bar, but as luck would have it, John was there with his date.
Elliot barely caught her name, but was happy when John started talking to Kathy and peppering her with questions about the kids. He ordered a beer for himself, and wine for Kathy, and he turned back towards John as he handed Kathy her glass.
"Elliot is Olivia's partner." John was explaining to his date. Susan?
"Ah." Susan nodded. "We met earlier. She seems really sweet."
Elliot stifled a laugh. He thought about Olivia tackling a suspect earlier today. Sweet was not a word he would use to describe her, nor one she would use to describe herself.
"Liv's the heart of SVU." Munch said, almost proudly. "She's a great detective. She's fearless."
Fearless. That was better. Elliot stole a glance across the room, noting that Olivia and her date…boyfriend…really hadn't moved. They seemed engrossed in conversation, and he saw Olivia lean in, place her palm against his chest, and laugh lightly at something he had said.
Boyfriend. He hated everything that the word implied.
He wondered how long they had been dating…and why Olivia hadn't said anything to him.
"I give you a lot of credit. I don't know how I'd feel if my husband had such a beautiful woman for a partner." Elliot heard Susan say, and he tuned back into the conversation. "I would be jealous." She gave a small laugh, almost as if she regretted saying it, and Elliot wondered if John had said something to her about how close he and Olivia were. If he had told her about the rumors.
Kathy put her arm around Elliot's waist. "Well, I used to joke that he spent more time with Olivia than he did with me."
Elliot smiled uncomfortably, remembering the times those very words being thrown at him. She certainly hadn't been joking.
Kathy continued. "But trust is the foundation of any marriage." She squeezed gently, and Elliot wondered if she believed what she said. He knew there had been times when she'd had the same questions herself, but he assumed that she thought she didn't have anything to worry about since he hadn't pursued a relationship with Olivia during their separation.
If she only knew. Just because he hadn't, didn't mean he didn't want to.
It was his biggest regret.
He can't stop thinking about what could have been.
Elliot heard the conversation turn back to the kids, and Kathy was telling Susan and John about Eli starting to take his first steps. He turned his body slightly, looking back across the room for Olivia. He found her almost immediately, since she hadn't moved from her original spot. But his gaze was distracted by Olivia's boyfriend. He was saying something to her with a grin on his face while he toyed with the strap of her dress.
Elliot felt a rush of annoyance, almost bordering on anger.
He eyed Andrew, really looking at him. He had to be a couple of inches taller than Elliot, but was slighter in build. He had dark, wavy hair, but was clean shaven. He was dressed in a nice black suit with a white shirt, and it made Elliot think that maybe he was a lawyer. Of course, he had no way of knowing, since Olivia hadn't bothered to tell him anything about her new beau.
Olivia.
He had been so distracted, sizing up the man in her life, that he had barely looked at her.
Now he wished he hadn't.
He was used to seeing her in uniform; in black boots, black pants and a shirt of some sort. Tonight, she was transformed. The black sheath dress she wore hugged her body, and it shimmered as the light caught it, as if silver threads were woven throughout. The dress scooped gently in the front, showing the fullness of her breasts, and as his eyes traveled down her body, all he could see was lots of dark, tan legs. The hem of her dress fell a lot higher than he ever would have imagined she'd wear; not that she couldn't pull it off. She was wearing black shoes…spiky heels that only accentuated her legs and her height. His eyes roamed back up, noticing the way the material hugged her hips and her breasts, and he felt a stab of jealousy as he watched Andrew's fingers trace a path across her collarbone.
At that moment, Olivia lifted her empty glass, and her date dropped his hand from her body. They both turned as if to head towards the bar, and Elliot didn't realize it in time to turn away. Olivia's eyes met his...seeing him in the crowd at the bar immediately. He could see the surprise there…shock. He had told her that he wouldn't be at the party a long time ago, and now he was hit with the realization that she probably attended because she thought he wouldn't be there.
Elliot watched as her boyfriend looked back at her, probably wondering about her hesitation, but then Olivia was moving towards him again. Maybe her hesitation was all in his mind. He narrowed his eyes as Andrew slipped his arm around her waist, and he felt a stab of possessiveness.
Mine.
The word pulsed in his mind, seeming to grow louder as he watched them walk towards him. He saw Alex, Munch and his date moving away from them, but their excuses didn't even register. His attention was focused on Olivia. He couldn't help but let his eyes roam down her body, but he quickly met her eyes again. He could see her disapproval.
He didn't know if it was because she'd caught him ogling her, or if she was upset because he'd shown up at the party.
"Olivia's coming over." Kathy said, and he glanced down quickly. He felt like an asshole, because he'd almost forgotten she was standing next to him. He wondered if Kathy had been watching him as he watched Olivia.
He thought maybe she had, because in the next second, she wrapped her fingers around his elbow and taken a step closer to him.
"Kathy." Olivia said as the stopped in front of them. "It's so good to see you." Elliot watched as she gave Kathy a quick hug, pressing her cheek to his wife's like women do. As Olivia stepped back, she looked at Elliot. She gave him a small smile. "Elliot."
Olivia turned to her boyfriend. "Andrew…this is my partner, Elliot Stabler, and his wife Kathy." Olivia gestured towards them during her introduction. Then she looked at Kathy, and Elliot thought she was purposefully avoiding his gaze. "This is Andrew McDermott."
Elliot noticed that she didn't provide any other information, but he held out his hand and grasped it firmly.
"It's great to meet you." Andrew said, flashing a smile. "I hear a lot about you."
"Yeah?" Elliot said, raising an eyebrow and glancing over at Olivia.
Kathy laughed. "I know exactly what you're talking about." She glanced over at Olivia. "I think Eli's first word is going to be Liv."
"Eli is the latest addition to the Stabler family." Olivia offered by way of explanation, and Kathy proceeded to tell Andrew the story of Eli's birth. Elliot wanted to stop her rambling, but it was too late now. He was thankful she was at least giving an abbreviated version.
Andrew was looking over at Olivia as the story unfolded, and he slid his arm around her waist again, and bumped her hip slightly. "Just when I thought you couldn't be any more amazing…" he teased.
Olivia pressed her lips together and gave him a small smile, deflecting his comment. "Knock it off."
Elliot could see that they were close. It was in their body language…in the way they touched each other. This wasn't someone Olivia had dated a few times. They were a couple.
They were sleeping together.
It was like a punch in the gut.
Suddenly he couldn't stand there another moment, listening to the small talk people make when they're new to each other. "I'm going to get a drink." He nodded at Andrew. "Nice to meet you." He knew his tone said anything but, but…
He didn't really give a damn.
In five steps, he was at the bar, and he ordered a beer. In three sips, it was almost gone, and he nodded for the bartender to give him another.
He needed to calm down.
Olivia dated…she had dated lots of different men over the years. He wasn't crazy enough to think that a beautiful woman like Olivia didn't go out…didn't sleep with the men she dated.
But they'd never stuck. Even the ones that had lasted a few months.
He had never really thought about her falling in love…not while they were…well, them.
Elliot finished off his beer and picked up the second.
He had no right. He should be happy for her.
"You're being your usual charming self." Olivia said.
Elliot turned quickly, surprised to see Olivia on his left. The sarcasm in her voice was evident. He couldn't bring himself to apologize.
"Red wine." Olivia said to the bartender before she turned back to Elliot. "What are you doing here?"
"We were invited."
Olivia sighed.
"Would you like me to leave?" Elliot knew he was being an ass, but he couldn't seem to stop it. He looked down at his half-empty beer; he didn't want to see the expression on her face right now.
"Babe…everything okay over here?" Andrew sidled up and placed his hand on Olivia's lower back.
Babe? Elliot heard the endearment and he gritted his teeth.
"Of course." Olivia said, flashing him a quick smile.
"Well, Jamie and David just got here. Let's go over and say hi."
Olivia nodded. "Sure."
Elliot saw her glance over at him before Andrew guided her away from the bar. "We'll talk later." Andrew threw out to Elliot, and Elliot narrowed his eyes slightly. It seemed like a friendly comment, but he thought he noted a hint of something else in his tone. It made him think that he had been right in thinking someone had been talking about them, or that he'd somehow been privy to the rumors.
Maybe it was all in his mind.
Elliot turned and watched them walk away, catching sight of Kathy in his peripheral vision. She was walking towards him, and he plastered a smile on his face. "What can I get you from the bar?"
EOEOEOEOEOEO
As the evening wore on, Elliot tried to stay in the moment and focus some of energy on Kathy. She was having a good time and he owed it to her. Since Eli had been born, he had been home even less than usual, and he knew she didn't get a night out very often.
Still…he couldn't help tracking Olivia.
He wished he didn't, because every time he found her, he couldn't help noticing how she and Andrew were always touching in some way…how the smile on her face reached her eyes…how animated she was.
She seemed happy.
He should be happy for her.
Ultimately, he'd look away.
The music had been turned up and people were dancing in the middle of the room. He looked over at Kathy. "Wanna dance?" He got a smile from Kathy, and he felt a pang of regret. He couldn't say what for…maybe because the list of transgressions was so long. He placed his hand on her waist and pulled her closer, and they started moving to the music. "Are you having a good time?" He said softly as the danced.
"Even though it would have been fun to see everyone at the Ketchum's, I'm glad you surprised me with this party and the hotel and everything. I didn't realize how much I needed a night out."
Elliot felt another wave of guilt wash over him. He gave her a weak smile, and pulled her close. At that moment, his eye caught Olivia as she and Andrew slipped outside. There was a large patio, protected by the wind, but he didn't think they were going out there to admire the view. In the next moment, he watched as Andrew slid his arm around Olivia's waist, and pulled her close, holding her much like he was holding his wife right now. And then he was kissing her…
Elliot looked away.
EOEOEOEOEOEO
Elliot was standing with Kathy in a small crowd of people, when he saw Olivia walking towards the end of the room. It was the first time she'd been alone the entire night, and he assumed she was heading to the bathroom. He'd been out there earlier, and he knew there was a small vestibule out there with the bathrooms and what he assumed were storage closets.
He turned his attention back to the conversation, and heard Munch regaling everyone with some story about a past New Year's Eve. He tried to focus, but his mind drifted back to Olivia.
He made an excuse, gave Kathy a weak smile, and followed the path Olivia had taken.
Elliot pushed through the door, and felt the cool air hit his face. It was refreshing…sobering. He hadn't realized how warm it was in the party room. He realized Olivia must still be in the bathroom, and he hesitated a moment, wondering what he was doing out here.
He leaned with his back against the wall and scrubbed his hands over his face.
"El? Are you okay?"
Elliot looked up when he heard Olivia's voice, and he straightened up. "Yeah."
Olivia looked around. "What are you doing out here?"
"I just…" He shrugged his shoulders slightly. "I needed some air."
"It is a little warm in there." Olivia agreed.
Elliot saw Olivia shift back and forth on her heels, and he knew he only had a few moments before she went back to the party. "Are you having a good time?"
Olivia nodded. "I am. I didn't realize how much I needed a night out."
Elliot heard the same words his wife had uttered just a few hours ago. "That boyfriend of yours…he doesn't take you out?"
"Don't." Olivia said, a slight warning in her voice.
"What?" Elliot asked, trying to pretend his tone hadn't been laced with bitterness. "He seems like a good guy." He offered by way of an apology.
"He is."
"How long have you two been…"
Olivia cut him off. "Is this really what you want to talk about?"
"I just…" He stopped. "I haven't seen you all night and I just wanted…" His thoughts were all over the place.
Olivia shook her head slightly, as if she could read his mind. "I should get back." There was wariness in her voice.
Elliot took a step closer, feeling a moment of panic. He didn't want her to leave. He wrapped his fingers around her arm and tugged her around the corner into another small hallway.
"Elliot, what the hell?"
He dropped his hand from her arm and stepped back a few paces, giving her some space. He saw the shock on her face, but she stayed rooted in place.
"I'm sorry." He apologized quickly. "I…" He dropped his head and pressed the palm of his hands against his temples. He dropped his hands and looked back at Olivia, and he could see the concern on her face. "Everything is so fucked up Liv." He said. "I don't know how we ended up here."
Olivia remained silent, and he had to give her credit for not speaking what was on her mind. They both knew exactly how they'd ended up here. He remembered the look on her face when he'd told her Kathy was pregnant…the change in their relationship in the days that followed. She had pulled back…they had become partners again…just partners…and all that it implied.
There was no more what if's…
"I should never have…"
"Don't." Olivia said sharply. "Don't. She said more quietly. "I can't…" She shook her head. "You can talk about what you should or shouldn't have done, but it doesn't change anything."
Elliot noticed the impassive look on her face, but he could see the emotion in her eyes. Up until that moment, he hadn't been sure if she still felt the same way about him that he felt about her.
"Maybe it's not too late." He said desperately. He saw the look of surprise on her face.
Olivia looked down, hiding her expression. Elliot saw her shake her head slightly. "I'm with Andrew now."
Elliot heard the tentative way she said it. "Liv." He said, his voice broke as he said her name, and she looked back up at him. "I tried to get past it…to get over you but seeing you with him. It's a fist in my gut. It made me realize…"
A tear slipped down Olivia's cheek and he saw her swipe at it as she cut him off. "Don't." She said again, putting up her hand as if she could block his words and emotion. "I can't do this…" She started to walk away but Elliot grabbed her wrist to stop her.
"Please…Olivia…I can't go on like this. I love you."
Olivia stopped in her tracks, and Elliot let his hand drop. He watched as she turned back to face him.
"I know you feel the same way." He said urgently.
Olivia wasn't looking at him, but he saw she was struggling with what he'd said. He had imagined telling her a million times, but never like this. He kept silent, letting his words hang there as she wrestled with her emotions. He realized he was holding his breath, and he saw her swallow hard as she lifted her head.
"I don't." She said quietly, but he could see there wasn't any conviction in her words. She wrapped her arms around herself and the protective action wasn't lost on him.
"Olivia…" He didn't want to push her, but he knew that if she walked away at this moment, it was really over for them. "Please. Don't say that."
Olivia closed her eyes and inhaled deeply and when she opened them again, Elliot saw her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "You made your choice." She whispered as she dropped her arms. "You made the choice for both of us." She pressed her lips together and swallowed hard. "I can't do this. I've cried, and I've wanted, and I've hoped and I…" Her voice choked a little. "I can't do it anymore. I can't wait for you to pick me…"
Olivia's words slammed into him, and he realized just how much he'd hurt her.
She looked at him with this incredible mix of sadness and regret, and she turned and started to walk away. He wanted to stop her. He wanted to plead and beg…he wanted to hear her tell him that she loved him too. But her pain was so palpable. He had done that to her.
He knew he had to let her go.
"Goodbye." He whispered.
And then she was gone.
AN: I know you probably aren't happy with me right now. This story didn't end like I intended it to…but this is how it came out. I'm considering turning it into a story, but for now, it's a one-shot.